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In talking to my H the last two weekends off and on he brought up a point that he mentioned last year after I kicked him. This year he’s been living at his parents now for a month since his Mar 10 incident being caught at the adult book/video store. I use the word “incident” bc it sounds more appropriate to me than the term “slip” or “relapse”. Anyhow, he said he has internal conflicts at times about watching porn being wrong v. sex with me being not wrong. He’s understanding that porn objectifies women and is harmful yet he is conflicted at times that the sex act between us as a couple is ok. Am I explaining this where it makes sense? Another example to explain this: Watching others have sex is wrong but sex between us as a married couple is not wrong. I don’t quite get the connection other than he somehow has taken it that all sex is “bad” so to speak except in a marriage and yet he confuses the two. Has anyone else’s husband felt this way or is mine the only one? It’s kinda like a drug addict knowing drugs being misued are wrong but they would be needed after a major operation for say pain until its not needed anymore. Does any of this make sense?????? I’m not sure I’m explaining my question right…..
My husband has never said this, but I think he has a thing about sex being dirty from childhood. Hence his need for dirty talk/anonymous phone sex and his intimacy/sexual anorexia in a committed relationship. Sex with me isnt bad or wrong, therefore not as exciting….
Mine hasn’t mentioned anything like that but I think it’s pretty obvious that their views on sex are pretty screwed up in general….I told you mine was spending 200$ a session for phone sex girl to tell him how worthless he was. That is something he has never even hinted for me to do. In fact , he emphatically told me he wouldn’t want me to. Go figure…
for-now,
Are YOU sure you understand what he’s saying? Because the way you are wording it makes absolutely no sense to me and that is exactly how SA’s talk. Sometimes I wonder if they purposely don’t make sense so we will get frustrated and stop asking questions.
Much love, Claire
I understood the question to mean that he now thinks all sex is bad/ dirty/ wrong. He is unable to distinguish the difference between watching porn and having sex with your wife. If I misunderstood then I’m sorry. If I understood correctly it sounds like a crock of shit and he is trying to get you to understand that ” porn isn’t so bad sweetie.”.
Either way… I throw the BS flag
Hi Bev,
He paid someone to tell him how worthless he is? DAng girl. You could do that every day for free! much better the some phone ho. oh, it’s the simple things ….:)
Well for-now, my SAH has no conscience about porn really. he thinks its fine. and seemed to seperate them pretty well for awhile. But I must say, it eventualle escalated and affected our sex life. they get so wired to the porn, that our love life wasn’t well, working well. the icky porn presence always there, requests inspired and measured to what they see…
sounds like your H has some guilt about porn. that’s all. the whole “naughty naughty” thing associated with it. but he doesn’t feel guilty about having sex with you. its just his “junk” speaking. ok. he has a little guilt. but guilt comes AFTER you engage in the act. and not before. Before means temptation. After means guilt.
who cares, after the fact. it is done.
cbslife- I know how you feel! My stbx never makes sense. Nor can he keep straight what anyone else tells him. I always figured it was because so much of his brain is preoccupied with sex, there wasn’t enough left to do anything else.
Yes Bev you got it…..thats what I was trying to say. And Pam I think thats what maybe he’s trying to say…he felt guilty using porn knowing how it made me feel (guilt afterward) but he has trouble at times reconciling not feeling its “dirty” with me. I had not thought of it from the guilt angle.
Sex Addicts have distorted thinking. Nothing they say usualy makes any sense. They dance around the subject at hand and make it come out to re-inforce their sick minds.
You are right-it is their addicted brain!Bev, I understood the question the same way you did. That’s the SA paradox. With drugs, alchohol, you give it all up. Although with drugs, I’m really not sure how it’s handled when the subject of surgery, pain meds, etc comes up. I’m sure there are many different philosophies and scenerios. However, sexuality is meant to be a healthy part of the human experience, and part of recovery is helping the SA rewire his/her brain to get to that point. For-now, maybe it’s too early for him to be at that point? Personally, I don’t know what the best answer for getting there is…perhaps for some, it’s a combination of therapy and 12-step meetings. I know programs like Recovery Nation and Candeo help others. Maybe there’s not one correct answer for any one person? Just years and years of hard work with SOMEthing???
I’m with Bev on the BS flag. And Sharron on the distorted thinking! And with whoever said that they are confusing and are also confused by what others say! Ugh! Even with simple stuff! These fuckers are all alike! They make me sick!!!
Quick! Put your index finger in each ear and RUN LIKE HELL. Go get a pedicure!! For REAL.
Yeah…I ALWAYS operate from the point of view that they are up to something- gaslighting, bullshitting, distorting,evading, attempting to put a logical spin on insanity OR simply trying to find a way to explain to you that your needs will NOT be met but delivered to u in a way that u don’t know exactly what they are saying? They actually don’t make any sense. I suppose that is because they don’t think like normal people so they cannot verbalize like a normal person. When they have us in the dark- they simply lie and evade and blame. Those are the times when we went, “Huh?” but quickly moved on because we didn’t make the jump from “Whats he saying?” to “He must be deeply involved with some hooker or porn or masturbating in parking lots” or whatever. Once the game is up they can no longer easily get away with lying, evading, blaming ect (because all that faking recovery takes energy) and they are forced to attempt real communication.They learn real quick that they are expected to give something up in exchange for us not leaving. So they attempt to talk…and conversations like the above are what you get. Thats my take. Karen xx
For Now,
My husband is the same. This is part of the Madonna/Whore complex. I agree with Bonnie that somewhere they got the idea that sex is dirty and being married to a nice girl is wholesome. So they can’t reconcile the two feelings. They can’t put loving and lusty sexuality along with marraige.
My H has never told me what happened to him that he felt that sex was dirty. I know that he found porn at ten in his neighborhood and then found it in his parents room. So early objectifying. Then he told me about thinking that woman are just delicate and beautiful and all goodness and thinking that he wanted this virginal queen for a wife. (the foundation for the M/W complex). (But then later found out that girls want sex too and that screwed his ideal up)
Anytime that we come near an intimate or sexual moment he freezes and gets awkward. Sometimes he literally weaves back and forth in his internal struggle. He would look at me and be turned on but that’s not nice, he shouldn’t feel that way, so he never kissed me, or sucked my breasts or gave oral sex or caressed me tenderly. No tender words, no spicy words. (But he could make crude jokes – when we weren’t near a moment) No brushing my hair back from my face. No fondling. (But he wanted me to flash him my boobs and shake ’em.)
He would try to rationalize this in his head by saying,
Guys at school would say anything to get in somones pants and then come to school and brag, but not me, I’m so polite and that’s not nice. (but really he was terrified of rejection and felt inadequate)He said to me early in marraige that he didn’t want to have to do anything nice for me or treat me in any sspecial way because it made him feel like he had to pay for sex.
He told me I’m pretty but there are a lot of pretty whores.
He told me that it is worse for a woman to be promiscuous than a man because the woman takes in into herself. (WTF?)
He told me before we got married that he wanted someone who wanted to fuck. (but he just meant for himself)
They have a sex drive and want the sex but can’t connect so they go to porn and look at the pretty, nasty girls, who deserve to be fucked and reviled. But then they are ashamed for their behaior and thoughts but they can’t come to us and talk about sex. They can’t express their primal desires to the virgin queen. it has to be plain vanilla because she wouldn’t want to be hot and sexy like the little sluts. So we are starved of expressing OUR sexuality because they are not confident to bring us out, to be the MAN and lead, seduce, pursue. They are the voyeurs, the peepers, who jack-off with their fantasy but are terrified of a real woman.
When I told him that I wanted to wear some pretty lingerie, some stockings, he went deer-in-the-headlights, didn’t say a word. He would not be able to engage with me in that way. He’d probably pass out. So I have tried for 26 years to hide my desire, to love him for other qualities, to not feel what I feel when I see another couple kissing or showing playful or sensual intimacy.
I gave him a book of pencil sketches and he about passed out. He didn’t read it for 6 years. I bought a massage table and a sensual massage DVD and he said this isn’t waht you want (It turned out to be soft porn) I didn’t want that , I wanted my own sex but he took the DVD and had an affair with himself for three years while I slipped past menopause.
I feel sorry for him but after suffering so long and finding out he had his secret life, i now feel sorry for ME.
Oh, yes, For Now, I get what he’s saying, and it’s a real problem for them…and for YOU.
Sucks to be us,
Debora
God, Deborah…..I would have killed him or killed myself!!I have long said mine IS NOT a sex addict and this was not my experience at all for years and years. When our sex life ended, I was the initiator with my f–ked up theory that if they cann’t screw you… they cannot cheat on you? Though a cheating husband is a bitter pill…this in many ways seem worse…this complete aniilation of the marital sex life. My God….you must be STARVING, Deborah. I am SO SORRY he did this to you.
Karen xxMy sex life was really boring, but not quite as boring or as insulting as yours, Deborah. I’m really sorry. It’s a terrible waste of you and your healthy sexuality. I’m hoping you are done with this life.
It’s been a very healing part of my life to now have a sexual partner who is open and generous and turned on by me. Nothing’s perfect, but let me just say that what we have all put up with these lack lustre infantile sexual partners is ridiculous. I hope we are all able to find the healing piece of this journey that includes real sexual intimacy—the freedom to be who we are, giving and receiving pleasure and love.
It is, after all, the way we made. And it was good.My vote is for “the trying to put a logical spin on insanity.” I have heard my husband say shit where my only response was “you have lost your fucking mind.” I think they hurt their brains if they make any attempt at insight.
I have seen my husband break down to his knees crying, “oh my god… there is something fucking wrong with me.” His distress seemed quite genuine. I think that in those moments he knows he has messed up thinking and he feels completely incapable of fixing it.
Deborah,
Your H is a jack ass.
there I said it.
forget the addiction. he is just a jack ass.
you’re hot. flat out – HOT. I mean ouch.
And he well, he’s still a jackass.
I can’t stand it.
Kim…”I think they hurt their brains if they make any attempt at insight”…Very Good. Gave me a chuckle. God knows I need it reading this thread.
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