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Me and the H had an argument Saturday morning. I don’t even know how the subject came up but he announced to me that he had harrassed me and that I didn’t even know it. He then stated that he was doing laundry all day one day and kept putting the gay porn on the computer because he knew I was checking up on him. I said why am I checking up on you? He said because I joined those sites. bev, I got the hug, the sorry and a forgive me after I started crying. I then left the house for imaginary errands. He kept calling me I wouldn’t answer. We have barely spoke. It feels weird, uncomfortable. I don’t know what to think. Is that an excuse so I wont think he’s watching gay porn or is that him being a bastard and intentionally trying to hurt me? What freaking best friend does that? He is pissed that I didnt answer his calls and is definitely feeling insecure.I feel alone with him today..no work as hurricane Sandy has us home. I dint even know where to post this. There isn’t a he’s a fucker group!!
Kat- that is classic SA. When you catch them they claim that they knew you were on to them, so they were doing it just to mess with you. Or trying to make you jealous. Or some other bullshit other than the truth. If he knew you were spying on him, he would not have been on the gay porn site. What guy wants people to think he’s into gay porn?
Stop listening to him about this stuff. He is messing with your head- trying to mess up your sense of reality. It’s called gaslighting (thank you, Heidi, again for explaining this to me).
Sorry you are stuck with him today. Maybe you can just watch movies (unless the power goes out) or read a book?
Ok Kat, I cracked up at ” there is no ‘he`s a fucker’ group”. maybe JoAnn can work on that one…I kinda like it 🙂
Teri is right. He is messing with you. No straight man wants to be considered gay. Also, IF we take him at his word ( he was doing it because he knew you were tracking him) then he becomes a cruel, heartless, low life, piece of shit that tried to PURPOSEFULLY upset his wife. Either way, just stop having any discussions with him. He is clearly in denial.
I will bet money March is soooo correct. Straight guys puke at the word “gay porn”.
I`m sorry you are stuck at home with him. You need a safe space ( I have the infamous patio and my bedroom). No one enters unless I say so. I wish you had a friend you could go hang out with. If your are stuck then just ignore him as best you can.
Yeah, and good call on the need for a “he’s a fucker” group, since technically about 99% of posts fall under that category.
kat,
he’s manipulating you. how, why, it doesn’t matter, he is trying to control you. and you are right. no best friend does that.
there is a really great book that i highly recommend..
the gaslight effect – how to stop letting other people: get in inside your head – tell you what to think-shake your judgement-sabatoge your self-esteem – make you question your grip on reality.
by dr. robin stern.my husband is a master gas lighter, all under the guise of being a ‘nice’ guy. i don’t know if he knows he does it, knows the effect he has. and i suspect it may be the same with yours
but it doesn’t matter. this behaviour is hurtful, and we must distance ourselves from it. this book is great at helping understand the behaviour and giving tools for us to stop playing part in the dance.
perhaps the most important behaviour i’m trying to learn, is that when i feel someone is trying to convince me of something that i know is untrue, or trying to manipulate or mess with me, i try to let that be their reality. theirs. then walk away. walk. away.
now, i’m just learning, so i’m not very good at it yet. just the other day i let him engage me in a ridiculous argument when i should have just walked away. this takes practice, so i’ll go easy on myself, and hopefully do better next time…
sorry for this, it really sucks.
I think he’s trying to tell you he thinks he might be gay, or he really is gay and knows it. Or, he’s bi, and is hiding it behind the gay question.
He’s trying it out on you.
so, the question may be whether he’s “just gay”, “just bi”, or “gay and a SA/compulsive” or “SA/compulsive with Bi behaviours”. The insanity of these guys tells me he could be trying to present as a guy with an orientation epiphany, when he’s just an SA/compulsive who likes some options that put him somewhere new.Either way, he’s a fucker, and he can be the founding member of the “he’s a fucker” group.
sometimes, especially in the early days, it seems we need to white knuckle it. just get through the hours and days, acting in the way that our head, or books, therapists, sisters who have been through it advise us to.
to act in ways that make sense intellectually, but our hearts and bodies scream at us that we want to talk to them, figure them out, reach out to them, scream at them. resist that if you can, distance yourself, look after yourself – even if that feels false, fake it for a while. do things that make you a little happier. it’s good that you aren’t answering his calls. let him take care of his own shit. you take care of you.
much love to you
he is totally messing with you. and himself. he’s doing the “in your face” with his smut. like a whip, here, take THAT. and it is a way also, to excercise his demons and flaunt them in your face.
i believe they ultimately want control and for us to “accept” their behavior, not matter how shocking or hurtful to us. we are irrelevant. their sex crap runs so deep, they can’t bear the thought of putting it down. so they flaunt it in our face, in a way of seeking acceptance. and perhaps some vengeful hurt to inflict. either way, its all a sick messed up game.
btw. this whole site is about being married to f8ckers.
ask him if he’s like his porn posted on facebook if he wants to flaunt anything. everyone should know. see how that works. ahole
He is fucking with me and I’m getting pissed. He has the password to my FB he went on it this morning looked through my messages then he deleted my exboyfriends sister off my friends list (I dont really talk to her anyways she’s not nice). This is payback because I did it to him a month ago. I deleted all his Playboy, Hooters Sexy Actresses etc sites. Told him I was sick of his kids seeing it and that he was embarrassing me. BFD I could care less. he thinks because I am not talking to him that I must be talking to a guy I guess. I tried talking to him today about intentionally hurting me..he pulled the covers over his head. This seems to be heading in a bad direction. I am not going to be the one to make it better . Sorry pal I think I’ve had enough of your shit Love or No Love.
kat,
detach, go to minimal contact for a while. change ALL your passwords. protect yourself in every way possible.
do not engage with him. do not show your anger or disappointment. be cool as a cucumber. this will protect you in the long run.
vent here and with your therapist.
start making your list of non-negotiable boundaries.
protect yourself sister, and keep your cool if you can.
What lisa said. Do not engage. It is a one way ticket to crazyland.
And I second The Gaslight Effect Book. It is really helpful. Especially with the nice guy gaslighting which is harder to spot and other people will think you are crazy for getting so upset with such a “nice” guy.
Call a friend, watch a movie, anything but talk with him.
Ok…That is some childish bullshit. He is officially a nut. Completely ignore his goofy ass. Seriously, grown adults are going to fight using Facebook? No way, no how, ain`t gonna happen….
You are better than this Kat. I know you damn well you are. Don`t feed the monkeys sister.
Last night he yelled at me again that he did the gay porn thing because I am watching his every move. I yelled back okay I am not watching you any more…do what you want with who you want. I am done. I know he’s not gay. I kind of thought all along he was baiting me. It doesn’t really matter if he is or isn’t. I can’t believe anything he says anyways. He is trying to scare me into forgiving and forgetting this has happened in the past a lot. I am at this point where I feel he has drawn the line in the sand. He has done what he has done and will not accept responsibility he is turning it around making it about me. He will not change. His addiction is more important to him than me or his kids. When he feels like I’m pulling away from him he acts CRAZY crazy. It is hard to live in a house with someone and not be civil. I have a very small house no extra rooms for me to hide. I tried to sleep on the couch but couldn’t get comfortable. I am trying to stay strong. Let him stew but I am alternating between anger and sadness. Between rational and irrational. Kept my ipod in my ears all morning singing away until I left for work.
Kat – he was NOT baiting you. This is classic SA behavior – making up excuses for doing what they do. And then making YOU seem crazy (gas lighting). It’s crazy making stuff.
The thing about it all is that we soooooo want to believe them. We want this crap to go away and for it not to be what it really is. It’s so hard to face.
Your SAH escalated, gay porn being one of them. He is looking for a buzz any way he can. He gets off on pissing you off, too – and then sucking up for your attention and adoration. It’s classic SA behavior. Sorry to tell you that your SA is no different than the others.
I remember in the early days it was so hard for me to wrap my head around it. How can this guy that seemed so wonderful for 20 years do this kind of shit? The dichotomy is so hard to grasp. And they wrap it up with the “I’m so sorry” stuff which is maddening.
We can all tell you til the cows come home that he is nuts and he is in denial and that you need to get the heck out of the house because he is dangerous right now to your head – but you have to get there on your own. I hope you don’t get knocked around too much in the process. It’s so hard to come to the realization that you are being played by someone who supposedly cares about you.
And yes, March is right – he is very likely gay. My gay friends all had girlfriends, even wives, in the past. It happens.
We are here for you during this, your darkest days. You are coming out of denial and that is a very painful process – probably more painful that the stuff they did to us.
Deb
Kat, have you checked out the PoSARC site? It has a lot of truths that you need to read.
Imagine that your H was a drug addict. Would you believe or lend credence to anything he said? NO!!
You are NOT talking to your H right now, you are talking to the addiction.
You do not have to uncivil to him. Just refuse to engage in any further discussions until HE seeks help. And why the F are you trying to sleep on the couch. He screwed up, he gets the couch. Take back your bedroom!!! Where and IF he sleeps is not your problem.
At some point, I wonder if gay, straight, or bi really mean anything with these guys. Maybe they will just screw anything with a hole.
Teri I think that is a true statement. It may be a nasty fight getting him out of the bedroom. Although I agree he screwed up. Why should I suffer? God this sucks. I am at work I can not stay focused. I tear up..get control and do it again.
kat, YOU stay in the bedroom. HE leaves. be strong and firm and inflexible with that.
the rest, just walk away. don’t engage. think of someone mentally disabled, and you are trying to convince them that no it really isn’t ranging even when the insist it is raining on a sunny day. how would you react to that disabled person? probably back away and try to put distance between yourself and the craziness. especially if they tried to hurt you.
back away girlfriend, back away. don’t talk crazy talk with him.
take time for yourself. take the bedroom. see a counsellor who specializes in sex addiction. not just addiction, but sex addiction (CSAT). posarc is a great site, you can talk to one of the coaches there.
read barbara steffan’s book. stop yelling at him, not because it’s wrong, but because he’s trying to convince you it’s raining.
Hold on Girlfriend!! You can do this. It won`t be a nasty fight. Throw a blanket and a pillow on the couch and barricade the bedroom door.
I believe, I could absolutely be wrong, that you love this guy ( or think you do). This makes it so damn hard. If you ever want a slim shot at making it work with him then you must be tough. He must seek help or it is over ( may be anyway but hell we all go for the longshots at times). There cannot be a nasty fight if you don`t fight. Simply tell him what you expect and leave it at that.
You are powerless to change him Kat. Only he can change him. If it is even possible, it must come from him. Don`t enable him to keep gaslighting and living in denial. There are consequences for actions : every time, no one escapes that truth.
Hang on and put all focus on you. Let him scream or whatever. You have put up with your last piece of bullshit. He will sense the change and try to attack the change. Stay the course….water off a duck`s back 🙂
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