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I agree NAP.
Sharron, let’s take a break from Steve for a while. Don’t even mention his name–instead let’s talk about Sharron, and how you are doing, how you feel about yourself, how your therapy is going — not framed around Steve, but just about you and your emotions, your feelings, your triggers and how you deal with them. Tell us what coping mechanisms you are using to heal.
Since you have now made this decision to stay with Steve even though he is an active Sex Addict, that story is now over. You have made an informed decision and there should be no more talk about what he does.
We all know his MO ad nauseum and so do you, so let’s not waste any more energy on it.
We need to learn from your experiences how you are coping with that type of situation and what strategies you will use to stay sane and happy.
That’s what this site is all about, women helping women, sharing our lessons and wisdom and supporting each other along our journeys.
And please, Sharron and everyone, if you have a subject that you want to discuss, start a separate topic so as to not break the context of the original topic and that we we do not loose the train of thoughts and comments and the intent of the Sister who started the original topic.
Hi Still Standing,
I hope you are still are.
Your question remains an important one, and I hope you aren’t feeling abandoned.Perhaps an insight to share here is that we have to be honest about the reasons we are staying or leaving. It creates confusion within us and around us when we don’t “own” what is driving our decision. One of the things I’ve discovered is that when I can get to that “driver” I feel stronger myself. Knowing the fears and the strengths behind decisions gives us our power back.
If it is a fear-driven decision, we can ask is that fear based of something real or imagined. Or, its it an old fear that may need to be challenged? Can that fear be addressed so that my options for a decision increase? Being honest with ourselves is being true to ourselves.
And yes, there are trade-offs. For most of us, lifestyle changes ensue if you leave. But a different kind of richness has come into my life since choosing to live apart and now divorce. There are risks, for sure, but every one of those risks has been worth it so far. There are also tough days (as those on this site well know!) and I occasionally second guess myself. But not for long. It takes courage to take responsibility for your life. And when we do, it doesn’t excuse the damage and pain the SA brought to our lives.
Others choose to stay and have much to share about their own growth within that decisions. What matters is that our decisions are made honestly, we take responsibility for them, and we understand that we may change our decision if we want (although other factors may not co-operate). Accessing our strength begins with being true to ourselves about what we need, what we feel, what we want, and what we can do for ourselves.
D.lots of light.
Hi all,
This is my first post here. I learned about six weeks ago that my husband of 20 years has been addicted to online dating sites for several years (possibly longer, as the story is just beginning to unfold). He swears that there has been no physical contact with other women, but I’m not sure it matters. The deception is what is really rocking my world at the moment. We (I thought) had the most wonderful marriage and family (even a great sex life), so clearly this is not the man I thought I knew.
So, bottom line, I have no idea whether to stay or leave (rather have him stay or leave). I know that it is early, but I’m not sure that I have the energy to walk the long road ahead of us. I’m not interested in seeking another relationship, and could see myself reunited with him after he winds his way through recovery — and I mine — but I’m not sure that I want our children exposed to my daily anger and sadness with him in the house. We’ve held it together quite well for them, but it is a daily chore to do so.
If you have any advice, I would welcome it. I’m told I should take my time. For what it is worth, he is in individual counseling and a 12-step program, and we are in couples counseling (and me in individual therapy). But I can’t get past the fact that this is all because I discovered the SA and he is desperate to hold onto the marriage and family. It would be quite a different story for me if he had confessed and sought my help.
Thanks,
AgonyI have moved Agony’s story to her own topic under ‘New Members’ so that all of you can welcome her under her own topic and post your comments there rather than here.
Welcome Agony! We are all here for you.
First and foremost: Welcome to Agony!! I’ll be sure to read your story in New Members.
Also {{{Sharron}}} My heart goes out to you.
Diane – I cannot begin to form the right words to let you know how powerful your words were to me. I wish that I had the gift that so many of you have – the ability to convey a message so concisely! When you said “own” my decision, it reminded me of the night I came to it. I was lying in bed, knowing that it was about to come to a head – I had NO idea what he was about to tell me – and I remember praying and crying and then a calm came over me and I thought, “I can survive with or without him. It will be hard, but I can do it. I’ve done it before and I can do it again.” I can’t explain it but I just knew I could make it either way and once I knew that, once I felt that, I made the decision to stay and give him a chance to redeem himself. Either he’d do it, or he wouldn’t; but I would survive either way.
Thank you!
There are some incredibly wise women on this site! I actually made the decision to ask my husband to leave before I had disclosure. We had been rowing for years, I had been told I had PMDD (look that one up for light relief!) and had even resorted to taking zoladex to put me in a chemical menopause to stop my hormones causing marital arguments (I know – dont go there!). Then, one day, he came in from the garden and told me the future was really bleak – in fact it was sooo awful because money was leaking out of his account and we were in financial trouble and we were never going to pay the mortgage off. At that point I said enough – you need to leave and he went to his parents for a few days. I then found a book in his bottom drawer about addiction which I read from beginning to end and when he came back told him to read and that I really did mean he needed to leave and he did – (on a five star all inclusive holiday no less!). When he came back the disclosures started. But for me the marriage was over long before that – with a violent row in front of my parents on a family holiday.
Ultimately, it wasnt about the sex – it was about the addictive personality and the lack of emotional stability. And that is what i have to hold onto now – I do miss him – the lovely, charming him that got me in the first place and i do still see flashes of that, but I have to remember the pain and move on with my life. I have two children – a fifteen year old daughter and a five year old son. My daughter needs to understand her value and what lesson am i teaching her if I dont understand mine?And now – I see why money was leaking out of his account – you cant see 3 or more prostitutes a week without it costing can you? lol – and to think I felt guilty about spending money on food and things for the house and shoes! Ah well – you live and learn eh?
It is hard, but I have been blessed and it will work – I have absolute faith.
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