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Has anyone else have had repeated trauma and have a hard time eating? I can’t eat lately. I feel so disgusted by what has happened and so many memories keep being played over it’s like I can’t stop thinking about awful sexual traumatic memories.
I feel like I am going crazy. My fear is so intense and I am in a state of shock that I have to mother and coparent with a man who raped and forced numerous sexual experiences.
I am feeling like I am crazy and it’s my fault. How did I let this happen?
I have to mother my son and yet I feel like I need to run far away and that I can’t handle the memories nor the co-parenting with this man.
I have a therapy appointment next week- thank god. I am trying so hard but I feel ilke I am having a physical and metal breakdown. I was doing a little better yesterday and trying to accept things but I am terrified deep down.
Any suggestions? I feel like giving up. My baby is the only reason I am still around.
Don’t give up. Your baby needs you.
You are going trough severe pain and shock, and most likely PTSD. Can you see your family doctor for some anti anxiety meds for a couple of months. Mine put me on Klonopin. And it has taken the edge off when I have needed it.
You need therapy for sure. This is a horrible betrayal and you need support. But, please done give up. Never!Alice, it’s NOT your fault. It’s normal and human to feel disgusted and fearful, other women in your nightmare situation feel the exact same way. I think pushing yourself to accept everything while you intensely feel and experience severe trauma symptoms, isn’t working for now and may be making things worse. Your body and mind aren’t ready. I agree, that as a human, woman, rape survivor, and mother to your baby son, to just accept your sociopathic rapist co-parenting isn’t right nor easy. Be gentle with yourself, Alice. It’s like being repeatedly stabbed, then expected not to bleed or feel terror. Try not to beat yourself up. You are being revictimized through the court system, and your abuser is terrorizing you through access to your son. You are not crazy, the horrible situation is crazy.
About food, the first year I lost my appetite dealing with all the trauma and was down to 42kg (92 lbs). This year, when I’ve had PTSD episodes I can eat, but I can’t taste anything and that seems to last for hours. I sometimes feel physically sick, but haven’t thrown up. Stay hydrated and perhaps start eating a little bit of plain dry food if you can keep it down.
Has your therapist given you tools and ideas for coping with the PTSD flashbacks and intrusive memories? Breathing and grounding techniques? If not, it’s time to ask. The memories are so painful. There’s a certain rawness, intensity, and heaviness with them that is so difficult to put into words. For me, when they were in full force it felt like an assault on my mind. Like there’s no escape. It’s at that point I would plead with God.
Please keep going for your son, he needs you so much. Inside you are such a fighter, Alice. We see this and know this.
Saying a prayer for you tonight.
Love, Victoria
alice,
i lost 25 lbs the first two months after d day. it is so hard… my suggestion would be eat really healthy. that way if you can only eat a little, at least you are getting a lot of nutrients. write down what you eat. make sure you don’t forget meals.
and see a trauma therapist, one who specializes in somatic experiencing. that might help get your nervous system regulated.
Thanks for your suggestions and help. Victoria I think you are very right. I was pushing myself to accept from well meaning people who were trying to guide help me.
I called a guy named Lundy Bancroft and he guided me to a women’s center near by. They are going to help me file charges and they said to never go to court without a rape center advocate. They said the same thing about being revictimized through the court and they said I CANNOT CO-PARENT WITH A RAPSIT AND ABUSER AND I NEED TO FILE CHARGES TO PREVENT THAT- even if he gets some custody.
I am feeling more peace when I go the route of protecting my son and I and getting the truth out.
Thanks for all of the support, encouragement and prayers.
That sounds like the best news ever. I am so glad you called them. Sometimes we just have to pick up the phone and keep picking it up unil we find help. I am proud of you Alice~
Wow, you spoke with Lundy. That is a brilliant move. He is my hero. I am glad you are feeling some peace after speaking to the center, Alice, and for choosing the direction you feel is right. Take care of yourself. You are in my thoughts.
Wow Alice your courage to do this is so great. You are taking care of you and your child by protecting yourselves and doing so in a formal way with documentation from a third party with much credibility. Good for you. I hope you are feeling better. Sometimes taking action or doing things keeps us more in our bodies and not in our heads. We have to be careful what we tell ourselves too.
Love, NapHi Alicemarie- I am so sorry for what you are going through, and I can certainly empathize with the traumatic feelings of replaying old memories. You are definitely suffering from ptsd, and this man is not worth the physical and mental suffering you are going through.
I don’t know your story, but am wondering why you are still mothering this man. I wasguilty of doing the same thing for
2 1/2 years, but I finally got to the point to whether it was me or my ex. From my own experience, the only way I got rid of the ptsd was get rid of my SA husband.
I don’t know where you are in the discovery period. If you just recently found out, just get away from him for awhile to clear your head. If you have known for a long time, the only way to heal is take care of #1 and permanently get away from your h. Please don’t hold on to trying to change him-It simply won’t work and from reading your post it is already causing you so much trauma that you are unable to function. So, honey take a break and wash this man right out of your hair.
Hugs,
SharronAfter reading answers to your post, sounds like you are already in the court system for this. You are very brave. I agree with Victoria – If your Therapist is not doing any of the things she listed, I would find a new one. Good ones are hard to find, but it doesn’t sound this one is helping you with any kind of coping mechanisms.
My prayers are certainly with you.Thanks so much everyone. I finally have peace in my heart. I think I really just needed to protect us in a formal way- even if we don’t get heard I am trying! Oh and guess what? My lawyer is now on board- she is bringing up the abuse and his issues- legally in my custody case. I am really surprised because she was not going to do this out of fear we might not get heard- so I am hoping we made the right descion- I think I did.
I also have a therapist and will start focusing on healing.
I have had some major ptsd and depression these last few weeks especially but I am really trying to fight for my son and I. I will not give up or give in. My son is worth so much more and he and I deserve peace and happiness. When the ptsd gets very bad I have to reach out to friends and get the heck out of the house! I did that today and we had a great day. I walked a lot, was able to eat some good food and had a lot of fun with my little guy. Tmwr is a new day and I am going to try and have a similar day and focus on my little guy. Ptsd episodes can really zone you out and get you crazy- I have to start realizing when I have a lot of flashbacks to reach out for help- it’s almost like they catch me by surprise sometime.Thanks so much everyone. I appreciate the prayers and support. I am looking forward to my therapy appointment on Monday and going to the women’s group I found and getting the help I need. Finally!
Thanks for putting up with so many of my intense posts- I really needed a safe place to get some answers, support and vent.
Alice Marie, I am SO proud of you! You are one fucking awesome mama bear!
“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” ~ Andy Warhol
Alice you have done brilliantly. Keep going. It may stall out a bit, but you must keep pointing so that the others will not back off, then it starts going again. I’m so glad you made that call.
I had problems swallowing. It was like I just couldn’t swallow what had happened, and if I didn’t swallow it maybe it wouldn’t be real. So i could hardly swallow anything. Then that passed. I think finding a reason for joy and seeing beauty helped me to get past it.
Again, Alice, you made my day. I guess I’m late to the party, but it’s still going on!
Keep pointing Alice.
I also had problems eating. Lost a lot of weight. Couldn’t feel hinder. Had to eat by watching the clock. Knew my body needed food, ate on a schedule. Weird. Got lots of therapy. Slowly, it got better.Alice, in addition to all the other advice, you can give Remeron (mirtazapine) a try. I lost ~25 pounds after I found out about the whores and bimbo temp, and couldn’t eat. I looked like a stick. Mirtazapine is also an appetite stimulant and will make you eat even if you don’t want to. It kept me out of the hospital.
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