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Looks like he is topping at more than one bar and probably picking up a bottle for his drive home. He was pretty buzzed. He was going to drive through KFC for dinner, but then he called me and said he lost his ATM. He got home and I was on the computer trying to cancel his card. He was yelling, so I asked him why he was yelling at me. He said either I get my but up and go get him a pouch or give him the card. I told him he must have left his card on one of his barstools. I was cussing a lot. Oops! Big mistake. Same scenario. He told me I needed to stop cussing, that I cuss more than he does… I told him, DONT YOU DARE POINT THE FINGER AT ME, YOU SLIMY, SICK FUCK! He said he was not going to put up with me bitching him out about his drinking. I said, You’re not going to put up with?? You lying, cheating, scum sucking pervert! Then it was on.
His audacity is more than I can even repeat in my head and I don’t want to sob anymore, so anyway…..I couldn’t stand it. I confronted — not about the teen porn site I found, but just in general. He took the bank card that all the money is in. I had to physically stop him from going out the door with it. Thankfully, he let me give him the other other one, but he threatened me before he walked out the door that ‘There better be money in this account too, or you’ll not see another check.” I couldn’t believe it. WHAT THE FUCK DID i DO??? Why am I in trouble? Because I had the nerve to question where he was and insinuate he was with his whores? I can’t stand him! He told me once again tonight not to let the door hit me on the way out. He is a cruel, emotionless arrogant fucker. I said fine, are you going to support me? He said yeah but not for long. Now I’m sitting here crying and he’s over there in the chair. Talking to his buddies on the phone like he doesn’t have a care in the world. Something is soooo very wrong with him. He’s never been this bad. He’s never been this cruel. I think he wants me gone. Maybe he has a girlfriend and wants to bring her here. I need help so bad. I’m so scared! I am a complete victim. Do any of you guys live close to me in Southern Cal? Am I allowed to ask that? I wish I had somewhere I could go at least for a few hours. My neighbor was nice enough to stay with me on the phone while I was hysterical. She say just leave just like you guys say. I can’t. Go where? I can’t leave. I can’t leave I can’t leave I can’t leave. FUCK SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Meem,
He’s a sociopath, plain and simple. He’s sadistic and cruel too. Did you say it was your house? Get him to leave you need to start with a plan. Get a plan written down, step by step and start implementing it step by step. Don’t engage with him anymore it just fuels his sadistic MF ass. So sorry Meem.Oh Meem, sorry it’s come to this with your husband. And yeah, I’d say he’s sociopath material. So that’s the bad news. The good news is he’s shown his true monstrous self to you early in the process. He’s not dragging you down any fake ‘recovery’ road and wasting more of your precious time. So where does that leave you? Well, first off, you need a plan and time to implement it. You’re getting nowhere with the ‘pushback’, so you might be better off letting him think you’re ok with the status quo. LIE like hell, whatever it takes to lull him back into thinking he’s got you under control. Give yourself time to figure out your next move. Like they say at NASA, ‘plan the work, then work the plan’. You can do this, Meem, you can fucking win, but you have to play smart. Love, Liza
Found this description: OMG! Fits like a glove!
Glibness and Superficial Charm
Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as “their right.”Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.Incapacity for Love
Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others’ feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet “gets by” by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others’ lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
Other Related Qualities:Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
Authoritarian
Secretive
Paranoid
Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
Conventional appearance
Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim’s life
Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim’s affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
Incapable of real human attachment to another
Unable to feel remorse or guilt
Extreme narcissism and grandiose
May state readily that their goal is to rule the worldWhat do you think of this: His mother died about 10 years ago. SAH found her in the bathtub with her nose all pushed in from hitting it on the tub faucet. She was blue and naked. Apparently she had Emphysema and was on oxygen. I don’t know if it was a heart attack or something to do with the Emphysema that killed her. He doesn’t discuss it. I do know that he had been with her at her home and left when she said she was going to take a shower. I recall his feeling that he shouldn’t have left and that it was all his fault. I don’t know if she was going to call him later, but for some reason he went back to the house and found her like that with the water still running. He pulled her out of the tub and covered her. This event didn’t cause whatever it is that is wrong with him. He was a big two timing cheater way before she ever died. Maybe his relationship with her had something to do with all this. I know. Time to stop trying to figure out what is wrong with him and concentrate on fixing what he’s done to me. Just interesting.
Nap and Liza are absolutely correct. It is essential that you develop a plan. Do you have a friend that you can sit down with and brainstorm your options and develop an action plan, even if it might take time to fulfill? I am so very sorry that this pain and constant personal insult is your current reality.
Dear Meem. I live in LA. you can call me and you can have a place to stay. I have an extra bedroom. my digits are 3107091610.
he’s a drunken abusive ahole. you are not a victim. you are a survivor. anyone who posts here, are survivors.
you will be fine. it may not seem like it. but i promise you, you will be fine.
let me know if you are in the area.
Two things you know for sure are: he’s an alcoholic and he’s a sex addict. He is also in denial. He does not believe he has a problem and will not seek help.
Is this the way you want to live? If you don’t have family or friends nearby that you could stay with, then maybe you’ll just have to grab your belongings and head to a hotel until you can figure out what you’re going to do.
You really need to try not to panic and start finding a way to help yourself. You only live this one life, maybe you can find a way to get away and give yourself some time to think about how you want to live it.
Seek help through a therapist, a women’s shelter, if you are religious talk to your local priest/pastor. I wish you all the best. Keep posting so we can at least keep an eye on you and keep you thinking straight. Okay?
Much love, Claire
Meem – please call your local battered women’s hotline. You need a safe place to stay. They will help you come up with a plan.
I’m not sure where you are in Southern CA but here are some phone numbers for various places:
Who will care for my animals? It’s like asking me to leave my babies with him. I have three dogs, a cat and 2 horses! I can’t abandon them. The horses I probably could find homes for, but not my dogs!!. Oh God, it would be ripping my heart out. I can’t!
Not that I couldn’t find homes for them, especially the springers. They’re both purebred and drop dead gorgeous, but they are my very soul!! And poor little Ellemay. She was Louie’s earring when she was a little pup. She’d grab on to his ear silk and just hang there and let him drag her around. ANd the funny thing was, he’d let her! Funniest thing you ever saw! But she is a mutt – supposed to be a “PoMChi” but who knows. She’s just my angel.
I’m in the guest bedroom. I have his laptop. My Louie is up on the bed with me. SA’d kill him if he knew. I had to just throw a blanket down. My beautiful white sheets are ruined from that kid that was staying in here. He sweat all over them! Disgusting! Even bleach wouldn’t get the stains out.
That’s why I gotta find a way to make a living. He already said he’d leave, but if he does, how will I feed everybody? I could get a couple roomates. Maybe put the word out at the local churches. BTY, We got into it again tonight. I asked him to go put his horse away in he stall for the night. he said he would do it, but later they were still in the turn out. so I went out and did it. When I got back to the house, he had gone to bed and the entire house was black. not so much as a night light left on for me. I went into the bedroom and asked him what that stunt was mean to signify. He said, “I didn’t know where you went.” Oh. What? He thought I left?? Fucker.
@pam: Thank you darling girl for your kindness. My own family have not shown such generosity! I wish it were possible. I’m from LA you know. Born and raised in the SFV (Granada Hills) and then lived everywhere out there. Most recent was in Bellflower and Paramount. I used to work in BH and West LA and Downtown. I temped for the Beverly Hills Bar Association. I wish I still have that job right now! Actually I could, but I have all these animals and I cannot part with them. No, I have to find a way. But thank you so very much!!
I don’t have any more suggestions, but I just wanted to say hang in there. Start making a plan. I would definitely call the woman’s shelter in your area. They may have ideas and resources to help you out. He’s a jerk, and you deserve better.
Meem,
If you know he is a crack head, alcoholic, sex addict then why in God`s name do you keep talking to him? I understand the financial strain. I understand taking care of your animals. I do not understand engaging a lunatic in conversation. I especially do not understand lending any credence to whatever they say.
Take Liza`s advice. Keep your mouth shut. Smile and nod. And start making a plan. You can do it!!
And stop being shocked when the monster acts like a monster. It’s what he is. Keep your distance. Don’t waste your words.
CALL THE LOCAL WOMEN’S SHELTER!!
Do you honestly think this will improve, no matter what trash you gain in all your watching him? The local women’s shelter is your best bet, especially because of the drug addictions.
I was so scared of my children’s father after he came and took the children away and I had to track him down two states away and trick him to get them back. We got hurt. My daughter and I. I will never ever forgive myself for that. If I had left before that I could have saved her that memory.
I stayed in a women’s shelter for 3 months, not because I had nowhere else to stay, but because he was dangerous and harassing my family and friends, restraining orders be damned. That was a bad experience, but opened my eyes to the reality, and I learned a lot and it set the stage for a lot of assistance I couldn not have afforded otherwise. It got me free. I got full custody of my children. If you have stayed in the shelter as a result of your husband’s behavior, the courts and police take it MUCH more seriously. It has a lot of weight. And it should, it’s a last ditch SAVE MY LIFE kind of move and everyone knows it.
In this situation there will be sacrifices. Animals can be relocated with SPCA. Even temporarily, I believe. It hurts like hell. Of course it does. Of course it does.
Just grit your teeth and understand that you are in a potentially deadly situation. Call the women’s shelter and tell them your husand is smoking crack in the house. Threatening you. And they’ll come get you out and then you will have HELP!!!
Pam, you’re a dear generous soul
I totally understand the not wanting to lose your beloved animals. I worry about my 9 cats, dog, birds and horses too. I am not sure about the laws where you are but it sounds like a trip to the courthouse might help. A restraining order, an order for support for you…Kick him out. Change the locks and call any animal humane groups in your area for help with food. he sounds crazy crazy….I am afraid for you.
katmandew is spot on. You stay where you are. You should be able to get some free legal advice, it’s available all over the place, and see about getting a restraining order to get him out of the house, file for separation or divorce and get your support order. Get him out, you and the animals stay. Have the locks changed and DO NOT give him a key no matter what he says, pleads, or kisses your ass about, no key. Then when he’s gone, cease all contact.
You can do this and your animals will support you and give you more love than that bastard ever could.
Much love, Claire
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