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he has agreed to sign the Contract and agreed to take a polygraph this week. i pretty much let him have it on the phone. i do love him (masochistic idiot i guess) and i want him to get better, whether it saves our marriage or not. i don’t know what happened to my hyper-vigilant state of protection, but i am sure i will be ok. i have had a very long conversation with God today, and i know that i can not fix him, nor do i want to try to. i am giving him a second chance to do what is right, but mostly for himself. i am in no way backing down on my feelings that our marriage is truly over, because i believe that it is. however, i love him enough as a person who is clearly suffering, that i want to make his recovery as easy as possible for him. i talked to my former pastor today, and she prayed for me to be the hands and feet of Jesus. that’s what i know i am doing by letting him come home. it’s not about us, and it’s not about anything being ‘okay’ at this point, but it IS about showing him what Jesus really looks like. i will keep you sisters posted–we all know this isn’t the end.
Warrior mom, be careful. Ona number of occasions I tried this with my soon to be ex sah, but it got misconstrued and twisted by my husband – I led him on… I showed him love and he thought that it meant everything was ok and we could move on… My lOvely, please just be aware you are dealing with a man who has a totally different frame of reference to you.
Prayers and hugs xxx
From my experience, “making his recovery easy as possible for him” is the worst thing you can do for both of you.
And, forgiving much too soon only shows him that the consequences for his behavior are minimal.
Please be careful. It is prudent NOT to commit to anything just yet.
You can take your time, and that’s exactly what you need, is time.
I know you desperately want everything to return to normal, that’s how everyone feels when their life collapses, but it can NEVER be what you thought it was, it must be completely rebuilt.
And that takes TIME.
Much love and light. ~ JoAnn
don’t worry ladies, i am not deluded in any way about what is going on. i don’t guess i mean ‘making his recovery as easy possible.’ maybe i mean, ‘making it as likely as possible that he will recover’. do not be mistaken: i am not doing this under the pretense of hopefully saving our marriage. i am doing this because i love the man that he really is and i want him to be okay. i want him to recover for his sake, not mine. just as the contract says ‘our marriage ended on october 28, 2011’, this agreement in no way signifies an attempt to reconcile that.
WM,
I agree that we should show compassion for our SA husbands, but not at the cost of minimizing compassion for ourselves firstly. Please be sure that you are taking care of your own needs first. You can’t help someone be healthy if you aren’t healthy yourself.And, hon, we can’t make recovery easy for them. It isn’t easy and no one can smooth their way. I have learned that even by providing a safe haven, i.e. their home and family, doesn’t make it any easier for them. It is hard work, and he must be committed, and he can only do that alone, all by himself. He owns the addiction locke, stock & barrell, and try hard as we might to take some of that burden from them and own a portion of it, we can not do that. I finally think I understand after eight years, that doing so was part of the crazy making that nearly did me in.
I wish you well and please take care of yourself right now.
Love & peace to you,
ms-lindyLike I said, I will keep y’all posted. I know this isn’t going to be the end of all this bs, nor am I insane enough to think things will EVER return to normal. My primary concern is that for myself an thusly my child. I have no intention of going easy on him. I do know that Only in returning to God will he be saved from his own madness and I can not expect him to do that if he can’t see an example of it firsthand. This doesn’t change things between us. I have accepted that our marriage is over but I do love him enough to try to be a friend to him through all of this, but first and foremost i am addressing my own pain that HE has caused.
just KNOW that I KNOW that first and foremost he is still the asshole that stuck his dick in some unknown faggot’s mouth on his lunch break while he told me he was going to get a salad. please know that i will NEVER, EVER forget this. i have dealt with many a bullshit hand in my life and this fucktard will not be the one that gets the best of me. i promise you ladies that.
is it a little sick to add that now that i have resolved the issue of our marriage being over in my own mind that i may be really giving him the illusion of safety only so i can catch him fucking up again? lol. i really am laughing out loud at the thought of what his dumb ass will do next. secretly i am torturing him. i am getting revenge for us all!!!
Listen to him talk and then say “OK bye bye”. Because nothing he can say will make up for what he’s done and nothing he says is the truth. He will do the only thing he knows how to do well and that is lie and manipulate. He may not even know he’s doing it because it has become second nature to him. It’s something he’s been doing for years and years and years. He needs to be retrain his brain and for that he needs professional help and he needs you to stay away from him so that he can concentrate on himself.
In my opinion, when they are this far gone, the best thing is to go away for an intensive. It worked well for my H and for me. It gave us 3 weeks apart, although I wished it had been longer. It gives them time to live with themselves (who they don’t like very much) and with the proper care, such as that of a psychologist, they will work to get down to his core issues. Once he understands why he is behaving the way he is then he can better learn how to change his ways and live a healthier life.
Just my opinion.
Love, Claire
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