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Last Thursday we met with our therapist for “full disclosure” – holy shit. I have heard many of you say that there is always MORE that comes out later, but I actually think he told me everything…and if there IS more then I DON’T want to know. Prostitutes, sex with someone he went to HS with, massage parlors (I thought those only happened in the movies and in China), sexting, online sex chat rooms & inappropriate email flirting….holy shit. I thought I had the perfect little life…turns out he had his own sick world that I knew nothing about.
Soooo, he sits in the therapists little office telling me all of this horrible stuff and my only response was to tell him to get the hell away from me – I told him to get out of the house by the end of the day. Then I walked out, went back to the office (I should get employee of the damn year) and when I got home from work with the kids he was gone!
Since Thursday he is the model little SA….going to 12-step meeting multiple times, going to therapy with a SA specialist, told 3 of his best friends about his addiction (this shocked me) so they can be his “accountability partners” and he now has a sponsor. He emails me every couple days to tell me he has not jacked off, looked at porn etc.
So I should be happy right? But I am not. I think it is SOOOO odd (queue “twilight zone” music) that my H emails me to tell me he has not jacked off. REALLY? Where was that on Leave it to Beaver or The Cosby Show? I must have missed the episode where the good husband got a gold star for making it through the day without touching his dick.
So my H is expecting me to say “I am so proud of you!” and high-five him for not looking at porn nor paying a woman for sex…but I just can’t seem to muster up the energy to care.
It has been 5 days – FIVE FUCKING DAYS – talk to me when you have gone 5 months or 5 years and then maybe you will get the high-five you are looking for….but until then please excuse me while I wait for you to “slip up” again.Let’s keep this new and improved H in perspective…he didn’t feel guilty or decide that he wanted to get rid of his “demons” and start going to therapy….no, I CAUGHT HIM and the only reason he is going is because I am going to divorce him if he doesn’t. I would hardly call that “turning over a new leaf”.
I bet a bunch of women on here would be ecstatic if their H took all these steps, but I am living it and while it all “sounds” great and “looks” great, it still FEELS like shit.
Thanks for listening – I feel so much better after all that venting! I just wish it was in person with you ladies over a glass of red wine!Georgie girl, You sound pretty damn grounded to me.
I am right with you- tell him no more emails about jacking off PLEASE. And you need time to heal- you are not his cheering section, and your healing cannot be on anyone’s particular time frame (although they often decide at a certain point that you should be over it by now and since you are not then you will NEVER be over it)
Keep trusting yourself- you are spot on, IMO.
I understand completely. And I agree.
Just imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. Would anyone expect him to listen to your email about not masturbating for five days, and to take you back because of that?
No.
this is bullshit reserved for women, and served up to our shattered dreams as hope. But its not hope. It’s bullshit.Here’s hug. You’re not crazy.
D.xoMine has been doing all that Georgia…( he stopped telling me about jacking off or not because I threatened to kill him). I am not real impressed either so there. I get it completely and I would drink the whole bottle of wine with you any day:)
Do not feel guilty for not caring. I felt guilty too and posted pretty much the same thing you said about a month or so ago. I just quit worrying with it and decided I feel like I feel so there…
He messed with your world big time. You are under NO obligation to think anything he does is good enough. Take your time and sort out your feelings as you see fit.
When I stopped trying to feel how I thought everyone thought I should feel….I did much better.
Hugs to you tonight. This sucks.
Raising a glass to you, Georgia girl,
Disclosures suck.
They do try to sell us ” You should feel” happy he’s “trying so hard” and then throw “for you” on the end. I am with you, what is there to celebrate about just not jacking off? I also told my STBXSAH I didn’t want to hear about that. It sickened me completely. Which is weird, because I don’t have trouble with the concept of masturbation at all. It’s the mental places they go with it, the secrecy and getting off on being able to be so deceitful, the objectification, etc., just all the things it represents for them and the way it rules their thought processes. Then they want to celebrate this on the other side of wacky-world by ushering us in as guests and suddenly WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE COMPLETELY PRICK FOCUSED, TOO? “Let me tell you all about what my prick and I did (or didn’t) do today, you’ll be so proud!” The whole concept is outlandish. You have every right to be outraged.
GG, I was laughing (not at what happened but at the way you described it) as I was reading and my first thought was “Oh this girl and Bev are going to be BFFs for sure”! Girl, you have got it going on and I think I have a serious case of hero worship. Don’t worry though, we all have our strong days and not so strong days. No one will be disappointed if you fall apart at some point. That’s what we’re here for. In the meantime your SAH doesn’t deserve a “I’m so proud of you” high five but you do!
Hugs,
DaisyGeorgiaGirl, you rock. You all rock! I wanna share a big ol’ jug of wine with all of you.
This is all so crazy-making . . . anyone who hasn’t dealt with an SA would certainly ask, “WTF? Seriously, dude?”
I have to admit I laughed at your family TV show joke — too funny. But I very much admire your strength, and am sending you a big hug.
I think we need to revive the thread about whether our SAs confessed or were caught. Isn’t it something like 99.99% caught?
Well Georgia,
You were wondering where your anger and discust were and now you know. That’s a positive. As to whether you should be happy or not…I don’t know why you should be happy with his meetings, therapy ect. All that means is he requires those things in order to NOT be masturbating and screwing anything or anyone he can get his hands on. Their therapists ALWAYS assume that the wife is going to want to stick aorund, just because the husband decides he is going to dabble in his shit. What on earth has that got to do with what the wife decides?? As you pointed out, they only go because they are caught and forced into it and it doesn’t do jack to take away the harm they have already perpetuated. I cannot imagine why you would be happy to discover your husband needs a support group and a therapist to prevent him doing the things he has been doing…and to be made aware that even that might not be enough and 5 days is a long dry run. You said your children are young so therefore you cannot be that old. I say run and look to be happy with a normal man. Otherwise emails about his penis and where he puts it will be normalized as acceptable by these so called sex addiction treatment programs. You have good sense. Listen to yourself before you gte sucked in. Karen xx
Just a foot note, I think Bill Cosby would have a hay day with these stories on The Cosby Show. Can you imagine what Bill would say to his daughter on the show(or in real life).”your husband did WHAT with his penis? And put it in THERE? ? ” I can hear Bills voice and see his face……cause it is unbelievable.
I wanted disclosure but maybe not…..
Hope you can do something good for yourself ,my heart is with you…..
Marina
Oh GG
How funny to read your post – I wrote the same thing here on my SAH’s 90 day “sober” – I said should I give him a “fucken medal” – and “I feel nothing” …..Hang in there – be present – just go with where you are at each day….
Its been almost 6 months for us now, and he still wont get an academy award for keeping his thing in his pants…but I see the effort…Oh GG
How funny to read your post – I wrote the same thing here on my SAH’s 90 day “sober” – I said should I give him a “fucken medal” – and “I feel nothing” …..Hang in there – be present – just go with where you are at each day….
Its been almost 6 months for us now, and he still wont get an academy award for keeping his thing in his pants…but I see the effort…Georgia girl
I could have written your post, and what you are feeling is completely normal. He shattered what you believed was real and we are somehow supposed to appreciate them not objectifying women, looking at porn etc. I’m glad you were able to kick him out. I fully believe they need real consequences to their actions. And you need a safe place to recover.
I agree w Dianne. It’s bullshit. I was in therapy yesterday saying in a million years I never thought I’d be in the position I am. Trying to decide if I am ok with staying with someone who fucked hookers. Someone who is changing daily into a man I could see myself with if not for all of the betrayal.
I like what Bev said helped her, when she stopped trying to feel how she thought others thought he should feel and accepted the wayshe feels as ok, she felt better.
Thoughts and prayers w you. This early time sucks. Makes you feel crazy. Take it easy on you.
XxooGeorgiagirl,
I remember feeling the same way you do about this business of being expected to be so proud and happy for the SA because they are seeking help for their problem.
I remember being in my numb frozen state (some would call it “the patio experience”) and he would come home expecting brownie points for going to a counseling session or group. At that point I was needing him to show me how sorry he was that he had inflicted this mess upon us. I needed him to show me and tell me that I was the most important thing to him and that he was trying to save our marriage and that he loved me. Instead he would tell me about his treatment and then be hurt that I was not excited for him that he was doing this. He would get pissed off that I was not supportive of what he was doing and act like I was a horrible person.
It was’nt that I was not supportive of the fact he was seeking treatment, I was trying to wrap my mind around the fact that he is an SA and what the fuck does that mean? I was stuck in my mind about the fact that he had sex with other woman and how that hurt and shocked me. I was dealing with this new information while he was feeling so relieved that his secret was finally out.
Looking back, I am not upset with myself for being in shock about the news of this and not being “on board” with his treatment. Part of being a SA is the lack of emotional intimacy. The treatment people say they need to concentrate on themselves 100% to stop the compulsion. I wish they would concentrate on what they need to do to save their marriage along with that.
It is all a mess. So sad….. The aftermath is overwhelming….
We as the spouse need to fully commit to our needs. That is what I want to support everyone here with. Do not feel guilty for what you feel. Feel your feelings. Give yourself permission to deny the expectation of those who have not been in our shoes.
Love you!!!!Is there a better argument for why physical separation is a good idea for the first 6 months, a year, whatever? Both partners need to focus on their own recovery. The SA is not at a point where they can repair the damage, and it is just painful for everybody. The more I hear, the more I think that is the healthiest option for everybody.
Teri – I completely agree!!! The SA is in no position to help us (they lack empathy in the early to middle days). And….the denial, minimization, gas lighting – not to mention treatment trauma (from moron “therapists” who don’t know what they are doing) just pushes us further into the hole.
I seriously think we need a SWAT team to rescue sisters from the aftermath of the tsunamis. We are battered, disoriented and need help. But like good moms, many of us throw ourselves into protecting our kids and try to minimize their pain but staying in the line of fire. Or hope that our SAs will wake up and “see the light”.
I know for myself, I have attachment issues and couldn’t walk in the tsumani or the aftermath if my life depended on it. When I finally saw the light and detached – he threw himself into fake recovery. It seems they are always one step ahead of us.
Anyway – I needed a SWAT team to do what friends of mine did with my physically abusive husband (they moved me out one day). I can understand now why it’s so painful to watch other sisters go through the abuse after the tsunami.
But – yes, mandatory physical separation is the best thing for all parties. And it has the added benefit of giving the SA the rope and the free will to do whatever they want to with their dicks.
Deb
I was convinced that a physical separation should be mandatory. I gave a “trial” period after Minwalla intensive for the kids` sake. Now, the dummy is being golden. Fake? real? does it matter? IDK…
Bev – is he back in the house? I would say that since Minwalla got a swipe at him, there is a chance that it’s actually real. But it takes a long time to “stick”.
He seems real Deb..more real than I have ever seen him. I don`t know ….
Even if he is real, is it enough? I wish I knew that answer:)
Bev–you are a goddess. So I have to say sister, definitely NOT enough!
Deb, did I miss something? Are you actually out?
Georgia, raising a glass to you (well I will later, when it is a more civilized time to raise a glass) and hoping you will stay clear and grounded so that you can take care of yourself.
One thing I want to say, is that if any of the sisters have husbands who came to them on their own volition and confessed to having a problem and asked for help (Bev?)–I think there may be real hope for them. But for me, and I think most of us, they were caught. In my case again and again. These men were quite content to live their duplicity with no regard to us. In those cases, sadly, I think that realistically there is very little hope…
It makes me sad to say it, and I hope it isnt salt in anyones wounds. Im certainly not a know it all…But the hope I had was toxic, and kept me in heartache for so long. I wish I had been able to break through it earlier. So if any of you are on that edge, then I pray that today you will read the words that push you over the edge of hope with your SA, and launch you back into the sunshine that used to be you!
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