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this morning i went to check the hand gum case. something just did not feel right. the 9mm luger was gone. i know he feels lost and alone and he has caused so much pain. i see it in his eyes, he can barely look at me. so i went over to the other house and asked him for it,he started to give me some story how he just wanted it. i told him i paid for it and i want it. he went to one of his boxes and handed it to me it had a full clip in it. he filled it before he took it. it rips me apart seeing him this way. we have had very similar backgrounds if you havent read my story we were very open years ago. i know his pain. so anyway i called his mother the same woman i called 18 months ago. when i told her he was sexually abused when he was 7, also that he is a sex addict. she has never said a word to him. anyway i told her her son needs her, that she failed him when he was a child. that i hope she does not fail him as a man. she tells me well xmas is in a few days and jimmy is coming over. wtf jimmy is the oldest son whos 41. i then said that something happen when she was raising her 4 sons because one is in jail for rape, one is a alcoholic, and good old jimmy has his head so far up your ass he could not breath with out her and her other son took the gun and has lost everything. she then asks if he has a car to come home. i told her she needs to remove her rose colored glass and drive her self here. i asked her why shes never talked to him about the sex abuse she said she asked jimmy if it ever happen to him.
i told my partner to call his mother that i had it out with her. i told him he will never get what he needs from her. that he needs to have it out say what he needs and decide if he wants to continue looking for something he never had. and will never get. he can continue to destoy himself waiting.I’m so sorry Katt. Families suck. They so often can’t or won’t take any responsibility or even admit that anything is amiss. So, so much could’ve been averted if it was just addressed in their youth, but no… the dirty is swept under the rug, “cause if we can’t see it, it doesn’t exist?”
Denial = enabling.
I hope that your h doesn’t do something really stupid.
guns scare me.
(((hugs))) L
lexie i believe he feels he has no choice. i asked why bother working on the other house the one for my daughter. he said he gets his identity from doing it. then he adds the he has a obligation to finish it. i said what about the obligation to me the kids himself. he looked at me like i was speaking french or something. right now this home no house is half done at best. i have no heat downstairs, no walls, no floors, so much for me. again he does not impress me with his words any longer. i know his secrets. it kills me that he will not help himself but i can no longer hold him up so to speak. i was so in love with him i dont think ive ever loved another human the same way.
Katt you are a brave woman to face this stuff head on. It’s so tragic and awful. I think you’re right about him never getting what he needs from his mother. And I can see how hard it is for you to keep propping him when he is so damaged and unable or unwilling to help himself. I hope you can begin to think about what is a best next move for your own well-being.
Just keep writing katt. We’ll keep reading and trying to support you as best we can.
It’s the darkest day of the year today, Dec. 21. I think you are getting a real dose of it. Tomorrow, a little more light comes.
D.xothank you diane you are so together. i wish i had you strength. i admire you and your faith. i understand it i really do i was raised catholic you know curch every wed,sat,sun.fish on friday catholic school thru 5 grade. the whole nine yards. yet i would go to school with black eyes, a bruise here or there. i was reprimanded for not sitting up straight in my seat. that was because my insides hurt or my father got to ruff and my vagina hurt. but we were looked at like the perfect family. i find it so hard to believe nobody knew. i did tell once and got soap in my mouth. then i had to go to confession and tell how i was foul mouthed. i never had a chance really. i do believe in something bigger than us. i can not believe that we as humans can be the end all. i have seen so much evil in this world that i sure as hell hope that this is not it. i love reading your posts they make me see that someday i to can find that peace i feel from you
much love kattKatt, I did not know your history, and now my heart breaks. Have you read The Courage to Heal? I read it in my 30’s and it changed my life–was a first step, then on to much-needed therapy to deal with the issues I’d come to treat as ‘no big deal, just something that happened a long time ago.’ You’ve been traumatized so much that you’re probably suffering from complex PTSD. I did EMDR, which was incredibly helpful.
Again, how do these men know to pick those who have already been broken and put themselves back together?
Dear katt,
Thank you so much for talking about your history in the RC religion. That’s an ugly story and it makes me want to scream. And I think you’re right, somebody had to know what was happening to you, or at least suspect it. I know what I’d like to do with that bar of soap, and it’s not very Christmassy. The only wrong that tops what our families do to us, is what our religious leaders do to us. You just keep being your own person, katt. Your Light is very strong. That’s why we are so drawn to you, right from your first post. So trust yourself. I trust you completely. Don’t worry about making a mistake. If you do, you just start again. The whole SA thing has a way of making us feel we have to get it all perfect. We don’t. Mistakes are just mistakes, and they are never as bad as theirs. Religion can make us feel like we have to be perfect too, but that’s crap. We just have to be honest and believe in ourselves the way our maker does (whatever and whoever that is)—with love and compassion and humour and courage.And I don’t have it together, katt. I spend my day trying to pick up everything that’s dropping off all the time. I’ve just decided to believe that the good energy at work in the world in stronger than the bad. So a little bit of good can undo an awful lot of bad. But I ache as you do, for different reasons. We really are all in this thing together, no matter what our story. And when we reach out for someone’s hand, or let someone reach out to us, something very powerful for good is released. It’s wonderfully subversive.
love,
Diane.
ps I have a fierce body reaction every time I see a picture of the college of cardinals with their red hats, so terribly pleased with themselves because they got away with it—the untold abuse against boys and girls, men and women, and it’s only cost them money. I used to be polite about this, but not so much anymore.Katt,
I hope today is a bit brighter. I love what Diane has written to you. You have much going on right now and it’s so unfair. I hope in some small way you’ll be able to find some peace. Life can really suck! I’m thinking of you and you’re such a sweet and compassionate person, please give yourself the love you give to others.
Love, NapDear Katt,
I am so so sorry for what was done to you. It is unspeakable and I guess that is EXACTLY what they did…not speak of it. I am thinking of you and hoping you are finding comfort somehow. Karen xx
Thinking of you Katt. You are so brave and smart. I felt such energy from you when we met in person; you really are a gift to all of us.
Sending you love and strength.XOXO Julie
Katt- I didn’t realize the extent of your childhood abuse either. Thanks for sharing, and sometimes it just helps to get it all out.
Please try and keep faith in God, or whatever your higher being is. I, too, was a victim of the rigid Catholic Church. My Dad made me attend, Baptized, and take my first communion. If I stood up to him about it, would get beaten by a belt. He forced me to go to a Catholic School, where I was forced to kiss the priest’s ring when he visited our classroom. I also took piano lessons from the Nuns, and would get a hard slap on the fingers wih a stick if I missed a note, or didn’t come prepared by practicing diligently. (Age 5-6)
My experence was not a good one, but I have learned that faith in God, apart from organized religion, is what got me through the tough times in life and made me what I am today. I do attend the Methodist Church and feel fairly comfortable there because, although they follow traditional religious doctrine, a person has the right to think for themselves. I am sure there are many churches out there with the same philosophy.
I am so sorry you had to go through such a painful childhood. Your Dad is obviously a very sick man, as was mine. The scars we carry with us through childhood and into adulthood are treachorous. I have found strength in letting it go, (Not forgetting) but maintaining a neutral feeling for my father – not love – not hate. He is not worth the negative energy to spend on him.
I pray you will be able to do the same thing. It is tough, I know, but you are such a wonderful, strong, person, and I can tell you are a survivor. Diane is so right when she says the only thing that tops what are families do to us is what our religious leaders do to us. It is really sad the organized church has veered away so far from what God intended.
My love and prayers are with you, and I hope today is a better day for you.Katt,
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
I read both of your posts.So you are supporting his lame ass???? He does not work??
He should.
And here is my view on this. Your partner is respnsible for providing for himself and for his portion of his family. I am tired of hearing zillions of excuses from my ex over the years about why and how he can’t. and that is what they are is excuses for poor behavior. He is taking advantage of your good nature and you are providing because you can. but one day that may be gone, and then what? You will be like me. Strapped for cahs just so you can divorce his lame ass.Also your h is his own person responsible for his choices. He is an adult. you are not responsible for his choices, his moods, his bad behaviors, and god forbid anything bad happened…you are not responsible!!!! In any way. He sure as hell may make you feel like you are, and lay it on thick…but you are not. You have done too much for him already. But guess what he takes you for granted, just like they all do. and he has got me mad. Because i know exactly how you feel.
I worry for you, and we are all here for you and sending you postive thoughts and cyber hugs. But change starts with you demanding things being a different way. Otherwise it will remain the same. Unf. These guys will not change or leave us alone; unless we say so. He will be more than happy to take every dime until you are pennyless and then he will leave and move onto someone else.
Sending you energy, and love and hugs.
Love,
FloraAmen Flora! That is why Steve and I are in different bedrooms. His anger issues, lack of empathy, and p/a behavior make it impossible to live with.
All SA’s take us for granted and expect we will tolerate-tolerate-toletate the behavior, and they can maintain their weak nature and make no changes. If we don’t change, THEY never will.Amen Flora! That is why Steve and I are in different bedrooms. His anger issues, lack of empathy, and p/a behavior make it impossible to live with.
All SA’s take us for granted and expect we will tolerate-tolerate-toletate the behavior, and they can maintain their weak nature and make no changes. If we don’t change, THEY never will.Katt,
I am scrying with you in your pain. You have said many times not to be sorry for you for the injustices done to you, that it’s just the way it was. I don’t see it as “feeling sorry” but rather by you sharing your truth we can validate the worth of your soul, bear witness to the secret suffering and offer encouragement and support. I cried for you, seeing you sitting in your school seat.
I don’t see the situation with Wayne much differently than your abuse as a child. We all carry our little girl inside us. I know you opened your heart to him in hope and faith and he betrayed you savagely because of his own brokeness. I hear you still caring for him as a human being, calling his mother, and that is the light in you, Katt. I hope you can care for yourself, love yourself now. Do what is best for you, Katt. You are worth so much more than this.
The gun thing is scary. I’m glad you got it back and hope you are secure in your home.
It’s typical about him working on the other house… getting all his self worth from his work. Same here.
Your circumstances don’t make for a very Merry Christmas but I’m praying you find some peace in the coming days.
Love and Hugs,
Debora
flora thank you he does a lot of work around here. well he did the money was not such a big issue for me until i realized he was a sex addict. at times it did bug me but over all he, i and the lids were working on this house. i bought a 16 room farm house that has been under construction for 5 years. much of this work i can not do. with the sa not so much work anymore. also we are not married. been together for 6.5 years.
hi deb this all really sucks, he was here tonight my heart melts for him. hes so alone, i know its his problem. but as i was thinking him and i have such similar back grounds, we love the same things, many times he finished my sentences. BUT the difference is he loves the way he was loved and i love the way i always wanted to be loved. i asked him what happens to his identity when the house burns down or get sold. that life means loving the people you care about,that the day you go to your grave you would have given someone your heart to carry on. so that person can tell the world who you were and let your soul live on.
Katt, I think the last thing your H needs is his mother. She doesn’t sound like she is capable of offering him anything but pain 🙁 Families do suck! Don’t forget the Holy Days of Obligarion. I am so sorry for your tragic childhood.
Sharron – If your father and my mother had married, we’d both have been raised in a convent.
I have a strong faith in God but the only thing I ever learned from my mother, the church and the catholic school is to hate the hypocrisy of organized religion.
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