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Good advice from the sisters.
You are about to be married, and you are in pain because of your betrothed’s behaviors with other women. That just says it all to me. This is how it starts for you and your husband? Beginning with a battle to be faithful before the rings are even exchanged?
If he loves you and wants to be with you the rest of his life, this is a bad, bad start. Porn is not innocent. It is abusive, objectification and it just will NOT stop grabbing for his attention. They make money off this stuff, it’s not just him, there’s a whole industry out there hell bent on dragging men deeper and deeper in the pit. What other “addictive” substance is free, available on your phone 24/7/365 and most people think it’s just “men being men”?
I’m sorry honey, you sound so young and innocent. This is not a walk in the park. It’s not just looking at other women because he’s depressed. And if it is, guess what, that’s his level of coping skill. Without serious, serious therapy his coping skills will not change. This is the hardest addiction to break, bar none, if it really is an addiction. There aren’t even any statistics that anyone can prove of it being cured. Managed, maybe, but not cured.
If it hurts you, it hurts you. If he can’t stop, he can’t stop. And sadly, it does escalate and there’s absolutely no formula for how fast, or where it will end. If it ends.
Give him time and space to work on himself. Watch from a distance and keep your heart guarded. Watch and see what he does. Most say a year of sobriety from porn is a good start to a healthy life. Can he do that? If you are talking about a lifetime together, one year is small change. Ask for the year, and spend it learning what you need to be happy with or without him. Then, if you’re together in the end, that’s great. If you aren’t, you gave it a shot and you are on your way to a good life anyway.
Dear Freedom, when my husband and I were engaged I found out that my husband looked at porn and it hurt so deeply for all of the reasons you describe. I NEVER imagined that he would cheat on me. He adored me. He was so shy around women. Fast forward 25 years still believing he would never cheat and I find out that he has been seeing prostitutes etc since my second daughter was born. He says now that it started with porn. The porn got progressively more racy and perverted. He said that its geared to grab you and keep you because you can click and get images constantly and you need more and more to feel satisfied. Except that you are never satisfied. Eventually you need to play out the fantasy which leads to prostitutes and Craigslist ads. I have three daughters, 22, 21 and 18. I want to cry when I see a girl of your age dealing with this. I want to hug you and beg you to think this through. Step back and take your time. I’m sorry if I come on too strong but I have daughters your age and I would never want them to go through what I have had to endure. Also, my daughters have had to deal with their father’s issues and it has been devastating for them. My best to you, you sound like such a sweet girl.
Dear Freedom, By putting you on this site, your fiance is, in my humble view, giving you fair warning that you are about to sign up in marriage to a lifetime of partnership with a sex addict. Addiction – any addiction – by it’s very nature, escalates over time. Porn today, prostitutes 6, 12, 24 months down the line. ‘Just’ naked women today, barely-legal, threesome/morsomes, bestiality etc. by this time next year. That is the nature of ‘the beast’ that is porn addiction/sex addiction. Is this something you can share with your family members? With his family members? Or are you already, before you even walk down the aisle, holding his secrets for him? Sex addiction thrives on secrecy, it’s oxygen is denial – half-truths, partial-disclosures, minimizations, excuses. The support he is getting from his church is good, but it is not nearly enough if he is seriously invested in recovery. Please put your own well being as your first priority. At 22, you have a right within your intimate relationship to honesty, integrity, respect. You have a right to emotional, psychological, sexual and spiritual safety. Your fiance’s behaviour is a violation of those rights. His problem isn’t because of the women in California, or his age, or his financial status, or because he is or was a single man in his twenties or thirties. His problem is because he is an addict who lacks the maturity to cope with day-to-day life in a healthy, well-adjusted manner. And I suspect that he has had that problem – that addiction – for most if not all of his adult life. I suspect that each and every time he has had a stressful issue to deal with, porn/masturbation has been his drug of choice – his ‘coping mechanism’. At 22, you have your entire life ahead of you, a life of abundance of love, friendship, laughter and light. Sadly, you will not have those if you are being dragged down into the abyss with a sexually addicted/porn addict husband or partner. I know this is not what you want to hear, and for that I am truly sorry. I am all to well aware that each of us hopes, prays and believes (at least initially) that ours will be the ‘exception to the rule’. Take some time away from this relationship, allow yourself to heal and to experience some of the joys of simply ‘being’ – away from the ugliness of this addiction. You have described a close and loving family bond with your extended family members. Please use their love and support to help you through this time, while you rediscover your own wonderful self.
BFreedom, I say the following to you to emphasize your beauty and your strength. I think that if we can recognize these guys have beaten us down and made us feel less about ourselves than we came into their lives feeling, then we can recognize when it’s time to throw that fish back and re-cast that line to hook another one who probably won’t have an addiction of some kind.
If I at 24 can sever an engagement to a man who cheated then you can do the same. I’m 44 now and I still remember thinking “too risky, if he’ll cheat while dating AND engaged then there’s no stopping him while married.”
He married the reason I left. Fun fact: I work for him now. It’s all good between us. No issues. He’s on his 3rd wife now and when I see him I thank God he gave me that strength to leave him.
Get back to that place where you feel AND know you are beautiful, alive and are to be put first.
Sex addiction is an automatic seat for us at the back of the bus.
Don’t let that be you.
It sucks in the back.
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