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My husband is younger than me. The cunt he had the affair with was his same age–old for Chinese, but regular for non-Asians. He just confessed to me that the reason he couldn’t keep it up with me and hated sex with me after I caught his affair was because, basically, I grossed him out. Old, fat, saggy skin, saggy large tits, you name it. He claims all of that is changed now, and that he loves my body blah blah. He told me that the reason he’s fetishist about Asian women is their eyes, their high tiny little breasts and their skin. Over the last year, he has kept mentioning my eyes, my breasts and my skin as what is so “beautiful” about me. It’s weird and horrible–obviously exactly what he DOESN’T find attractive in me. opposite opposite!!!!!! I am in so much shock and pain. I keep explaining to him that I can be out of this marriage–go home, stay with my mother for a few months until I am normal again–and find my own way back to living a life, so he can just tell the truth and stop feeling guilty for wanting to end it or afraid I’ll destroy his professional life ( I need him to help me financially as I spent my fucking retirement helping him ten years ago when he couldn’t work because he was in crisis over his own sex abuse as a child).
Here, to dump a white old wife and marry a young beautiful Chinese girl is not only acceptable, it’s expected. Why does he is keep insisting that he loves me and wants the marriage? Says he’ll do anything to keep me. He’s doing 12 steps, blah blah, is at the end of a long process to get a job which has benefits to pay for Minwalla, promises a polygraph, etc. What is this weird fucking game? I feel so fucked up and ugly, so disgusting about being old, fat, ugly, wrinkly, and so on (FYI, logically, I know I am not that bad and many people would think I am OK). He even admitted he loved it that his cunt girlfriend didn’t have my disability (along with perky tiny little tits, Asian skin, Asian eyes etc.). But now I have genital warts from her, the kind that require surgery. My vagina will now be even uglier (he told me about her pretty little tiny one, though he also said he was grossed out by her that she obviously saw lots of action and was very “loose.” Interestingly, I am a small woman, and very tight because I have barely had any sex over the last 5 years! But now I will look even uglier down there, with half my privates cut up. I already have a scar down my entire stomach, which he said grossed him out because I was fat in the stomach too.
I am in shock. I am numb. Help.
Patsy, he is a horrible excuse for a human being. You deserve so much better. Let him have his money-hungry little whores. No one woman will ever be enough for him. Hell, eventually, WOMEN won’t even be enough for him. You need treatment for your trauma and a good therapist who can help you stop seeing yourself as the object he has turned you into.
OH, my, gosh, Patsy. Please stop talking to him. No one should hear that kind of garbage. No wonder you are traumatized. Do not swallow his garbage.
I watched CNN last night and there was a story about a woman in the US whose husband through lye in her face and burned her whole head, almost killing her. She had a face transplant, but even before the transplant, she had found the “love of her life”- her piano teacher. Hells bells- love is not about looking perfect or like your husband’s objectifications and fetishes. When someone loves you, they do not pick apart your looks and then use it as some kind of rationale for why they screwed around on you.
Your h is a sick man and has no business talking to you like that. He is not opening up and being honest- he is torturing you and being incredibly selfish.
Patsy that is awful and I’m so sorry. I think some time ago that Karen said you should (both) get out of Asia. Insist on going back to the US either with or without him.
I don’t care about scars or saggy skins and breasts….you Patsy are beautiful. xoxoxThat man is sick, do not talk to him. It’s not you, believe me. I got chills just reading that post. All that twisted rationalization is lies, nothing he says is real, and his fetishes are just the tip of the iceberg. Just saying, it might be my personal triggering, but I have to say from personal experience, and all the painful research I did afterwards to try to process what happened behind my back, that use of comparison of bodies point by point, etc. is way, way too close to home. Just get out before you learn more and have to try to get THAT out of your head. He’s sick (yes, some of it could be cultural but that doesn’t make it any less sick) and this is going to start a hellish process of “disclosures” that are going to be nothing but mindfuck. Come home and be loved.
If you cannot get home now for whatever reason then you MUST stop talking to him about any of this stuff.
We can all pick apart body parts of ourselves, our friends, our husbands, strangers, and even the models in the magazines….
That has to stop now. This has NOTHING to do with anyone’s body parts. This has to do with the FACT that your H is a disturbed person( to put it nicely).
You need to call on whoever you can find for support to get back home. You may be left with nothing financially but it’s better than letting him just kill you slowly. I pick broke over torture every time.
At least find someone like Lili on the PoSARC site that you can speak with by phone. I know the time differences are difficult but she would work with you.
I told him he has to live outside “our’ bedroom. In house separation is all I can do right now. He won’t be sleeping in my bed at least. Chinese apts are small, so there isn’t a lot of space apart, but I told him to move what he needs out of “my” bedroom tomorrow–i.e. basic clothes, toiletries etc.
I would have been afraid for him to be sleeping in a different room in the past for fear he would do something sexual with porn or even a person, but now I almost don’t care. a little bit I do, it hurts, but fuck him. I am going to figure out about a counselor by the end of the week–it will have to be by phone or Skype, but it’s better than nothing. still feel so weak and fucked up. I did get meds which are helping, but I still can’t get on solid ground. I knew about the one affair a long time ago, but I just found out about a bunch of the other stuff a few weeks ago–some I even learned about this week. I am in serious shock and a mess. I know I need to deal with all of this and I will, but I can’t yet. I am meeting with an important client this week, and need to get through this fucking nightmare a little bit longer so as not to screw myself permanently money-wise. I have been very poor in my life and I can’t go there again. I hope the in-house separation will make this bearable for a little longer while I get my finances in some kind of order. My mother is a lot like Nap’s–except that she will PRETEND to be nice but actually destroy me emotionally if I have to stay with her. All of my kids LOVE my H and think he’s the greatest–they will believe it’s my fault we are breaking up, even though they will try to be nice to me. I would have to tell them gruesome details for them to understand, and I can’t do that to them, especially my son, who thinks H is the best partner in the world and tries to emulate him with his own soon to be wife.. I am really on my own if I don’t want to really hurt other people. That fucking asshole knows this.
You’ve got to get a good lawyer NOW. This is just awful. I was mercilessly critiqued as well, and its just so much bullshit. Who do these guys think they are—MR Universe? He’s a narcissist, and he turned his confession into something he could get off on, and something that would excuse him. Get a good lawyer NOW. Then go get your real life, becuase it’s waiting for you.
I know, Diane, and I will. Right now, I have him feeling guilty enough to agree to a post-nup. I need to play it cool long enough to get what I need. I mean it when I say I have no retirement money left. Right now he’s trying to act like he wants the marriage, and I have to play it cool until I get this stuff into place. For one thing, we lived in Washington state a long time, so I am hoping I can get the post-nup to say that jurisdiction is there–my sister and my brother in law are family lawyers. I just need to make sure jurisdiction is where they can practice. First I am going to get our permanent address in the U.S, changed from his parent’s house to my sister’s house–this week while H feels guilty enough to agree. I need permanent spousal support and a life insurance/disability insurance policy to protect me. But I really get your point.
patsy,
he is vomiting all over you with filth from his brain. he is projecting his crap onto you. it is his. his. not yours. my god i wish i could beat the crap out of him.
whatever ‘object’ he obsesses on and says is more beautiful than you, in time he would do the exact thing to her.
please, stop talking to him. detach like crazy. get a lawyer. make a plan. take steps every day to move toward your freedom. if it helps you think of it on these terms right now, the best chance for your happiness is if you remove yourself from him. if not physically, then emotionally. and it might help him too.
he is full blown out of control. he will only do what he has to do. so, believe it or not, you have a lot of power. remove yourself. protect yourself. refuse to listen to him. stand your ground. refuse to believe him. because he is lying lying lying.
these men are so twisted. don’t let him tell you a fucking thing sister, he is a man-child, spoiled and broken.
get a therapist immediately if you don’t have one already. and a lawyer. and refuse. to . talk . to . him .
Patsy, when your husband talks to you, he has a river of ABUSE spewing out of his mouth. Call that what it is, ABUSE. And lets not forget to throw in another word, OBJECTIFICATION. He is an abuser who sees women as the sum of their body parts and he wants you to buy into this and play some version of “Pick me.” You are more than enough Patsy, just by being yourself. He doesn’t even know who you are, much less deserve you. I think no conversation is a great idea, but if that isn’t possible, shut down any conversation that has anything to do with other women, or body parts or is negative toward you. Let him know that you love yourself enough not to listen to that ever again. I am so angry at him for treating you this way. If you aren’t already angry Patsy, welcome it when it comes. You make the rules, he doesn’t ever get to again.
I’m so sorry that you are going through all this bullshit. For now, separate bedrooms is good, that’s what I have right now. But detaching is even more important. Allow yourself to look straight at him while he’s talking and tell yourself, I don’t believe one thing coming out of his mouth. Think that every time he speaks. It won’t be long before you’ll be an expert at letting him talk and detaching yourself. At least this will help you to feel stronger and allow you the time you need to get your ducks in a row.
I didn’t hear anything about you seeing a therapist. Are you seeing one or can you. A therapist who has experience in trauma can be very helpful to have in your back pocket. My therapist helps keep my on solid ground, denounces everything bad I say to myself and helps to hold my self esteem up and point out how incredibly smart I really am and how tough I really can be. And that’s exactly what our spouse don’t want. They want us to feel weak and beaten down, when they see strength and self resolve, they panic. And when they panic, they will do and say anything to make sure they don’t lose us.
Take good care of yourself, Patsy. Everything will fall into place as long as you are healthy and happy, mind and body.
Claire
thank you, Claire. I hope to get some kind of therapy via Skype next week, I went to a psychiatrist who was clearly an SA himself, but at least he gave me meds! lots of them. I think he figured he was helping my H get a chance to cheat on me if I am drugged enough!
Patsy, this is terrible and I am so so sorry to hear this. I have been in the situation where I was “part for parted” as well and I think it has been very difficult to correct that garbage in myself. I also really wish you could get out of there…asian triggers in asia sounds like hell to me…
They don’t fight to keep the marriage. They fight to not have to make changes that are uncomfortable to them.
There’s a difference. It’s just in their fucked up mind they think they’re fighting for the marriage when in reality they are fighting for no major upheavals to occur.
As sucky as that is for now, I believe that as well…I heard “I’m the only one trying” over and over again.
Not true. What was true, however, was he WAS the ONLY one trying to keep everything the way it was. Sure keep me, but also keep everything else…
Hard, but true.I told you…IT IS NO FUN TO CHEAT WHEN THERE IS NO ONE TO CHEAT ON…..
Cheat away asshole but I am done worrying with it. Hell, that attitude made March’s H go to extreme lengths to get her attention again….I don’t believe ( March’s H) was any more interested in bisexuality ( I am trying to protect March’s anonymity just in case) than I am. He wanted her attention and he got it.
We get caught up in the sex and rightly so but it is so not about that.
They don’t really want marriage, they want their previous arrangement. The one that was so comfortable and convenient, before all the reality hit.
They have No idea what they want. I wouldn’t listen to a word they say about what they do or do not want. They don’t know because they have not gotten to know themselves as human in years and years if ever.
Bev, that is such a good point. Mine started saying, after dday, that he doesn’t know who he is etc etc. Might be the most honest thing he could say. LOL, How screwed up this all is!!!
“Amanda, I don’t even KNOW who I am…”
Wow…if you had put that line in your proposal things sure would’ve gone differently…I just dumped all of his expensive “Molton Brown” metrosexual stuff in the sink and cut up all ties, gifts etc that I gave him when he was fucking around on me with that particular whore she took him to breakfast on his birthday and then refused to talk to him the whole time because he wouldn’t take off work and fuck her all day in a five star hotel where they were eating…she thought he would do it if she took him there for his birthday breakfast, the little slut. The only gift his little whore ever gave him was some Addidas soap from the local drug store (five dollar trash)and a fake backpack from the junk market for Christmas (there are many fakes in China…this was supposed to be a Swiss army brand book bag because the REAL timberline self-designed bag I gave him hurt his back). I had to show him the real Swiss bag before he believed she bought the tacky ass fake! Anyway, tonight I dumped all his cologne etc down the sink. I also cut up some of the things I gave him on particular days such as his birthday, when he spent the day with her in a very expensive hotel next to our office. They might literally have seen me walk by to go to lunch if they
had stopped fucking long enough to look out the window. Maybe tomorrow I’ll toss the Rolex, the Tiffany cufflinks, Dunhill money clip, the Mont Blanc pen etc etc.
I knew this night would be tough–he’s snoring in the other room, while I am wide awake despite two sleeping pills but I know it will get better some day.he’s so fucking good at lying and seeming like the good guy. when he says these shitty things to me he says them as if it pains him–makes him so sad and ashamed that he thinks these ways and does these things. As if admitting it is a sad unfortunate truth we can both regret and feel sort of embarrassed and sad about..
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