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Hey Sisters,
I need some help with a cell phone question. Is there any way to find out who a blocked number belongs to? Here is the deal – I went out of town for a conference a couple of weeks ago. It was my first time leaving SAH home alone since I found out all of his wonderful hobbies and pasttimes last July 31st. It wasn’t easy to leave, but I also was really looking forward to getting away from all of the bullshit.
I found out the day I came home that he had started receiving calls from a blocked number on his cell phone the day I left town. Suspicious, huh? The calls were random times of day, but mostly evening and they lasted no longer than 1-3 minutes. He said that when he answers no one answers him back. The reason I found out about them is because he got one in the middle of the night the first night I got home and I questioned him. I would have found out anyway because I check his phone records periodically online. I have access and he DOES NOT. Also, he shouldn’t receive calls, texts or even be able to search internet between 10 pm and 6 am everyday of the week. How are the calls getting through?
I have numbers from his past blocked so they can’t call or text. My SAH had a fun pasttime of sexting women all across the country. He is an overachiever when it comes to texting.
I called ATT and they said they cannot block calls from blocked numbers on cell phones, only on land lines. Does anyone know how I can find out who in the hell is calling him? He swears that he didn’t do anything to do with his addiction while I was gone except go to his SAA meetings. He said he doesn’t and didn’t do anything to jeopardize our relationship any further or his recovery.
I have learned through all this bullshit to look out for myself first and not listen to what “truths” he is telling. I just think it is very suspicious. We got another one of these calls last night after midnight. He said he got another one this morning after I left for work and the person sounds drunk and they are asking to speak with Chance. My husband’s name is not Chance and he said they had the wrong # and they insisted that they knew this was Chance’s #, so he says he told them to “quit fucking calling and hung up.”
Any suggestions of how I can find out who this is? Or any opinions, advice? However blunt, I have my big girl panties on today.
Thanks,
~ Shaken Not Broken
There used to be a reverse call no. you could do and it would immediately call the number back. I would call a reputable PIs office and just ask them. They would know how to do it. Looking back on my marriage, everytime I left town my h had ‘a heyday’. Even when I was in the hospital after a car accident and when I had emergency gallbladder surgery.
Dear Shaken,
Oh god–what a sucky situation. I would have a hard time believing him, given the “coincidence” of it starting when you were gone. Which is unfortunate, because he MAY be telling the truth. I dont know how you could go about finding out who it is. Maybe next time if you are there have him answer on speaker and have him say “glad you called” and see what that opens up? “Chance” sounds like an SAs made up name….Gosh Im sorry that this is happening.
I know how it feels to have mixed emotions about travelling–good to get away, but also aware that it could open the door for more betrayal and dishonesty…Shaken, don’t have the technical advice you seek, but I agree with Bonnie, sounds pretty lame. I think you should trust your gut on this one. And “Chance”? Totally bogus.
Normally the cell bill won’t reflect more than a minute unless there was actual conversation like 2-3 mins. Don’t let the “quit calling” line hold much water he gives in your presence. I dated a guy once who I came to believe had a steady gal in another state. He married her the year after I ended it. Anyway one night I called and she must’ve been there bc in a Linda Blair moment he started yelling “why do you keep calling? I told you I’m not interested so stop calling!”. I drove my ass over to his apt and lo and behold I see a car in the parking lot with out of state plates where he was from. Then here they come holding hands walking to that car while I was parked trying to decide to confront his dumb ass or not. I opted to drive away and that was my last contact with him. How dare he make me out like I was the trouble maker! All I’m saying is things like that are said to cover their stupid asses so beware. I find it too coincidental these calls began the day you left on business. Don’t ignore your gut feeling. My gut led me to putting a tracking device on my SA car and that’s why he’s not living with me now. So don’t dismiss your gut feeling, well not completely anyway.
Oh I love you girls! Thank you so much for your advice…I love the idea of having him answer the call on speaker and say “glad you called.” Oh God help me if some dumb bitch is on the other line with some type of bull shit. I am in agreement about the name “Chance.” Seriously?? When he told me that is who they were asking to speak with I said to him “what is that one of your alias’?” He said “no, not that I can remember using.” I told him “oh thats right, SA’s have a bad memory thing going on. So sorry for asking and reminding you of just how bad your memory/short term memory is.”
They think that we are soooo stupid!
~ Shaken
My Dear, Dear Shaken…you are young. I have NO IDEA why u would want to put yourself through this stuff? You feel shaken and uncertain now? You do NOT want to know what it feels like at 50yrs of age? GET OUT while u are still young enough to start over because if you think that u won’t be having these ridiculous conversations when u feel completely over the hill, u are crazy. This doesn’t get better…it just gets easier for him. Much Love, karen x
Karen,
Thank you for your honest opinion. I totally agree with the “ridiculous conversation” feeling because this morning I said those exact words to him. I honestly am staying right now because it seems easier at the moment. I feel also like I can’t walk out now that I know what is going on until I have given him a chance to recover. I believe in marriage and feel like it is fair if I give him this opportunity. I have taken steps in regards to my future in case I decide to leave. Steps towards freeing up some of my financial responsibility and I have started setting money on the side. I appreciate your advice and I don’t take it lightly, but this is where I am. I also have a tremendous fear that I will end up with another Sex Idiot if I left him. Because I was so clueless to what was going on…I thought I had a gem. Everyone was envious of our relationship and they “could just tell how much he loved me by how he looked at me.” Blah blah blah~ Shaken
Dear Shaken,
That part I get…the “There must be something wrong with me if I chose this idiot”. There isn’t, Shaken. He just chose YOU. You wil not be that unlucky again.There is no point in throwing more time after bad, just because you got it wrong with him? There just isn’t. This isn’t a journey where you gain knowledge( I wish I was wrong here)….this is a journey where you waste years. There will never be a time when u can spot one of these men. There will only be a time when you error on the side of luck. They are in the minority. They are NOT normal. No amount of staying will make them normal. Karen xx
How could you “not remember” if you ever went by the name of Chance? My name is Kim. Even if I had used alias’s in my life… I’d remember if I’d gone by something like “Cinnamon”.
You said that he shouldn’t receive calls between 10 AM and 6 AM. I have AT&T. So my assumption is that you are using AT&T’s parental features to terminate service during those hours? Did you ask them how calls are getting through?
I’d definitely get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach if I was in your shoes and confronted by you situation.
Logically I’d try to ask myself: what could he possibly be doing in a less than one minute incoming phone call? Which would make me lean towards believing him.
NEVER believe him. Sa’s LIE LIKE HELL. I hate to say it- but I just KNOW He is lying. Ugh. I am so sorry…..
Bonnie- you need to stop being so gullible!! (you know I love ya!) but, her SA probably contacted someone another way…. (with another phone) and this “someone” still has his cell number…. So….they start stalking him via his cell number and of course he doesn’t like THAT, Cause he knows he is gonna get caught…. Which he basically did…. Sigh…. What a joke…. Shaken- I would refuse to believe him no matter what….. And even if you are wrong (which you wouldn’t be) – then he still deserves the drama anyway – for all he did in the past!!
Take Karens advice and GET OUT!!
That goes for Bonnie too!! 🙂
This is really the part I don’t understand about monitoring their cell phones… I now have full acess to H phone but no matter what he is ( SA,perv, PD, all…) he is NOT stupid. If I was using my phone for sex and got caught then I would simply buy another phone … One of those pay as you talk cheapies. I am still considering purchasing one of those iPhone “spysticks” but have no clue if they really work.
I wouldn’t monitor anything. If they are not embracing sobriety and recovery 100% on their own, like good Ol Dr. Phil says:
“You can’t build a fence tall enough, if a man’s going to cheat, a man’s going to cheat”. You can’t stop a dog from hunting.
Love, Nap
Nap,
It really is just THAT simple. The staying or leaving may be the hard part- but the rest of it?? Nah… I think we can all grasp the concept….as soon as we get our head out of………..
The sand.so how do I know he is embracing sobriety? Polygraphs? I certainly can’t take his word for it. He may attend every meeting, read every book, and see his therapist every week but then call a hooker…. I don’t want to monitor anything either ( except my kid’s stuff). But I need to know what he is doing ( at least while I am still living with him). I don’t know if I am staying for the long haul. I am staying until I regain some emotional balance ( clean undies and wash my hair maybe )….. While we are in the same house I need to know!
Bev,
My H is too smart to leave a trail. But yes… some people are that dense. I think some SA’s are so arrogant they don’t believe they’ll get caught. Others are so caught up with what they are doing they don’t consider consequences until after the deed is done, if ever.You can’t stop them from cheating but you certainly can try to catch them if you’re questioning how sincere their sobriety is.
I am personally strongly opposed to any action taken by me to “prevent” him from doing anything. It’s like trying to stop a freight train with a piece of paper. Useless. If he feels he needs prevention to resist temptation then he needs to decide to take those steps.
However I don’t view monitoring as a prevention technique. It’s a knowledge technique. We’ve all been burned to the point of questioning our instincts. And our H’s have proven they are good liars. I think that leaves woman who want to stay if their H is sincere in a jam. Because, as you said, how do you know they are sincere?
Agreeing with SLs post–yes they are all terrific liars! So even on the slim chance that this time they arent lying, “tough shit” they created their own “boy who cried wolf” situation, by constantly lying to us and playing mind games, so I guess it would be some kind of karmic justice.
And yes, SL I do know you love me, and love you right back!
Also agreeing with Kims post on monitoring being a tool of knowledge and not prevention. Screw prevention–I dont feel like being his cock cop! (sorry to be vulgar, but i couldnt resist) I cracked up with your Cinnamon analogy–of course we would know if we did that. But I think they have so many bullshit versions of themselves out there, that they might actually forget! How scary is that?
Ya kow, I am beginning to realize that part of my resistance to advice here has been the thought “well, they dont know MY husband, and they dont see how sincere he is, or how hard he tries..yada yada yada” but I am starting to wake up to the fact that you guys DO know my husband. In fact, since you arent fooled or blinded by the “moments” when he expresses regret, you actually see clearer than I do.Great post, Bonnie. Especially the part about ‘yes, but they don’t know my husband..’ I think most have us have probably been there/are there. I’m not saying that it’s impossible for them to ever be sincere; I think at times they are. But it’s the short shelf-life that their ‘insights’ seem to have that keeps that Jekyll and Hyde thing going. I guess as far as our trusting their sincerity goes, it’s one of those things that we can really only learn over time, as we inhabit this surreal new world where what they say..no matter how well-intentioned it sounds.. isn’t necessarily followed up on by them. In the past I didn’t think twice about his sincerity and sincere motivation. Never knew there was a reason to. It’s a damn painful lesson. xoxo
Annie—yup. The shelf life here is very short. About as short a time as he actually spends considering me. Id say roughly ten minutes. And even then it requires prompting.
It is all very sobering….and even after having some clarity, I find myself still doing it. Still believing in someone who isnt believable, or stable, still seeing him as vulnerable and sincere. So I guess thats MY work in therapy. Breaking my own unhealthy habits….getting clear and staying clear.Bonnie you are on fire, woman!
New Pillow quote: I am not a cock cop.
Yes, we all think our SA/PDh is different. And they are. But not in any way that is material to the addiction/compulsion or PD. At least I’m pretty sure there is no statistical significance to their differences and any effect they have on this nightmare. I do leave room for some who really do climb out of their black holes and rejoin humanity. And I would love to hear about them. But most “success” stories I read online are really creepy–I see big red flags of abusive behaviours to the woman that remain. The sobriety may be there, but the PD remains.
That is my work in therapy too… Breaking unhealthy habits and establishing some clarity. My mind is so fogged up and well, fucked up. Sorry for dropping the F-bomb, but using the F word relieves a lot of stress.
~ Shaken
Unlike Kim’s hubby, mine wasn’t smart enough to cover his tracks or realize, for that matter, that his tracks could not be covered. My H got a big fat “F” in listening skills when he and I were busting my oldest child for tacky/racy text mesgs. I said in front of him to my child “If you take nothing from this conversation then you better at least remember one thing- do not EVER under estimate what I will do to find out whatever information I want to find out”. All I can say is somebody wasn’t listening.
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