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Well done GW. Do what you have to do to empower yourself. When you have the power to throw this all back in his face I’ll bet you find a spineless, cowardly, whimpering poor excuse for a man. The tables will turn. xo
thanks for all of the great posts.. I am doing great today.. I got a lock box at the advice of the help line … to keep my journals.. I have journaled the abuse… and I will also put any other evidence I find in it .. I will hide it but it has a key.. and as I get important papers, I will put them in there too… he left to “work” this morning after the gilries and I got back from mass.. good riddance… he seemed pleased that he thinks I have fallen under his rule.. HA! he was very pleased with himself when he left… and with “us”. HA! he even said he is glad now that I understand how hurt he was when I accused him of being a SA… hahahahahaha.. anyway, who knows and cares when he will return…? I am going to enjoy the rest of my day and night and have many phone calls to make to laywer, PI tomorrow when he goes to work FINALLY.. he has been off since 12/23 .. and I got codes to his little verizon account .. secret account.. he left the codes in his briefcase in the dining room.. I got up at 5am to look.. he told me if he caught me spying on him, it was over.. HAHAHA.. anyway, a better day.. thanks again.. I am sure many more lows.. but today? great and the snow is beautiful.
Be careful GW. I’d hate for you to get caught (not because he would harm you because I think he’s full of shit but I want you to get heaps of dirt on him). xox
Girlie whirlie,
You are in your groove! Be the best actress ever. Keep,taking those careful safety steps.
We are cheering for you!
Lots of love,
DesireeBe VERY careful Girlie BUT get EVERYTHING you think you can while he thinks he still has control…bank accounts, impt papers, anything you think he will hide later on. Do not think anymore about what he does sexually or who he does it with UNLESS you can get solid proof that you can use legally. All that matters now is protecting yourself and the girlies. Why he does what he does is not important anymore. YOU are important. The GIRLIES are important. You can do this. You are SO MUCH more than he thinks you are. Love Karen
thanks everyone so much.. I do have to proceed with caution.. definitely.. he told me yesterday that he would take me down if I ever thought of spying on him… that he would say it was me that framed him and that it was me who was sleeping with different men and he would tell everyone he knew and his attorney.. it was before I got my groove back.. but I do have to be careful and I think almost methodical.. I have to say, it is almost freeing to be able to stop thinking why he is sleeping with prostitutes.. and to be thinking about where he is and that it is hurting me that he is gone.. bc I know he is whoring .. and you know the other day when he called me the fing skank,, he took part of my heart that I still had for him and now it is gone forever.. it is just like bev said.. stop loving him.. well, when he said that , a big part of my heart was taken .. so it was freeing.. I was sitting at an end of the holidays singalong.. this afternoon,, and for the first time , I was actually thinking how nice it would be to be without him.. just like I was anyway at the singalong.. it was just me and my girls.. and it was great.. I didn’t look around and think oh look at that couple.. I just though I feel free and happy without him.. and it might just be nice to be this way all of the time.. I am at my best without him.. and no matter who he tells and lies to about me sleeping around .. no matter.. I am going to stand tall and strong.. I know I didn ‘t do it… and he did.. and those that believe him. I don’t want to associate with anyway, and really, not that he is capable to remorse or whatever, but he has to live with God and what he is doing.. I did nothing wrong.. no wonder he rages like he does,, I would to if I was doing what he is.. thank goodness I am not.. I do have to be careful.. and I have to learn to totally ignore him when he starts.. bc he catches me off guard,, then emotionally , I get like a deer in the headlights.. frozen.. but he is going back to work tomorrow.. and I am going to do the peppermint patty dance when his car pulls away.. we are all excited about that.. thanks again for giving me a place to find help and to feel good about myself and my baby steps and to be with others who understand.. and discreet.. yes,, he read through my e-mails on the computer.. omg.. thanks again
I know you have a new email. That’s a start. Make damn sure your password is nothing he can guess.
Fake nice and hire the PI. Be sure and lock down your cell phone with a good password too….
The PI that I hired didn’t even charge me because I couldn’t get that money without him knowing. My brother offered to pay and they told me not to worry about it and I paid them in full after I had the whole report….
The PI was the best thing I did. There was nothing left to argue about after that……
I also pulled bank statements and poured over every item. There is always a money trail…
I hacked into his phone too ( I guessed the password) and made photos of all the contact lists and websites and e mails….
He actually had a contact that was listed as “strippers”….
Great advice Bev. Man I wish I would have done that., hire a PI, etc., etc.
What else might you need from the hood?
oh thanks everyone.. I don’t sleep at night .. up at 4:10am.. when he comes up , I come down.. but am doing good.. still worry why he would choose his penis activities over me and the girlies… but only know that when I am not with him , I feel free and great.. I am not sure what will happen financially, but hope to get a clearer picture of that once I speak with an attorney or several attorneys.. I am a stay at home mom, so it is scary.. but not scarier then knowing I am living with someone who sleeps with prostitutes – and shows no remorse about it at all.. just denys it and tells me that I am framing him… I mean it is so confusing and so unbelievable.. and unthinkable.. really, I don’t want to be around someone who is like that.. and that is what I meant when I said he lost part of my heart the other day.. it is like Bev said, you just stop loving them.. I mean I want to hold the relationship together or did the other day… but then he acts like he did and I just think this is NOT someone who loves me and it is not someone I love anymore.. I don’t know who this person is..
oh, I am looking forward to the day he hits rock bottom myself.. life is short,, why would he put his life into such chaos … really.. it is not worth it … he is finally gone… all day and hopefully he will work late too.. HOORAY! and I agree with march.. mine appears to have no bottom.. at all.. and all around him LOVE him.. they say how sweet and shy he is … I want to just throw up… but who cares? HA.. I will post again.. I am exhausted.. so this will be step by step because I can’t get sick for my children.. they need me..
I saw an attorney before I confronted my H. I am a stay at home Mom and my attorney told me my settlement was pretty damn good. I could divorce him and make it just fine ( better now once I had him sign a bunch of shit).
Anyway, I had enough coming to me that I wouldn’t have had to even get a job if I didn’t want to…
See that attorney!!!
“I don’t know him anymore.” Yep. But they can still be the nice guy in the outside world. So awful.
When I was in this hell about 4 years ago, my youngest son was finishing up an undergraduate degree in psychology with a strong emphasis in neuropathology. His final internship was co-facilitating mandated male batterers groups. (He graduates in May with his MSW and his emphasis is individual clinical psychotherapy and the best part – he says he has been offered a job when he graduates!)
So as I explained to him what was happening in the home and how SA RAT blamed me and was a prince to the outside world, my son knew exactly what I was talking about and gave me the best support and validation that this was CLASSIC ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR.
The feelings of the spouse are what matters (wish it mattered to my damn lawyer).
In these groups the facilitator therapist also met with the spouse during these months long groups. If she said he was scaring her, lying or otherwise being an asshole…..then the therapist knew the abuser was lying if he said “everything is fine or she is acting crazy.” Simple as pie.
I also remember, almost to the minute, when SA RAT’s behavior was so egregious, that it was forever over in my heart. Truly, that was a great and freeing moment. He didn’t know what hit him. I didn’t give a shit about him or any bullshit. But, his,threats escalated. That scared the fucking shit out of me. BASTARD.
All the following manipulation attempts to get me back got zero traction. I shut him out. He was a lost soul. Too damn bad.
Unfortunately, what ensued was financial abuse. As long as he could manage to escalate the abuse, he did. Hope that does not happen to you.
For several years my other kids and neighbors and one aunt just couldn’t believe he was abusive and that he had a secret life. That was heartbreaking.
Rest up girlie. I am so, so happy for you.
With you.
“I don’t know him anymore.” Yep. But they can still be the nice guy in the outside world. So awful.
When I was in this hell about 4 years ago, my youngest son was finishing up an undergraduate degree in psychology with a strong emphasis in neuropathology. His final internship was co-facilitating mandated male batterers groups. (He graduates in May with his MSW and his emphasis is individual clinical psychotherapy and the best part – he says he has been offered a job when he graduates!)
So as I explained to him what was happening in the home and how SA RAT blamed me and was a prince to the outside world, my son knew exactly what I was talking about and gave me the best support and validation that this was CLASSIC ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR.
The feelings of the spouse are what matters (wish it mattered to my damn lawyer).
In these groups the facilitator therapist also met with the spouse during these months long groups. If she said he was scaring her, lying or otherwise being an asshole…..then the therapist knew the abuser was lying if he said “everything is fine or she is acting crazy.” Simple as pie.
I also remember, almost to the minute, when SA RAT’s behavior was so egregious, that it was forever over in my heart. Truly, that was a great and freeing moment. He didn’t know what hit him. I didn’t give a shit about him or any bullshit. But, his,threats escalated. That scared the fucking shit out of me. BASTARD.
All the following manipulation attempts to get me back got zero traction. I shut him out. He was a lost soul. Too damn bad.
Unfortunately, what ensued was financial abuse. As long as he could manage to escalate the abuse, he did. Hope that does not happen to you.
For several years my other kids and neighbors and one aunt just couldn’t believe he was abusive and that he had a secret life. That was heartbreaking.
Rest up girlie. I am so, so happy for you.
With you.
thanks for all of the posts.. very worn out and sick and hoping my STD tests are all okay.. bc if they are not, he will think I was sleepign with tons of me.. that is what he said to me two days ago,.. so I guess I just won’t tell him.. I think he knows he is infected and won’t tellme.. I mean Ijust don’t understand all of this.. who lives like this.. ? and he texted me today that he ran into a friend at lunch who said he is like a saint Saint .. with his name.. WHAT? what the hell..? yikk and double yikk.. and we are just left on the side of the road and they go on their merry way,, he is a monster for sure.. I made an appointment to talk to an attorney today.. and I looked on his verizon account. couldn’t find much.. but will try again tomorrow.. I have to be in the real world with my kids for a part of the day or else I will go nuts.. how little does he think of me , that he would put my health in danger ? OMG.. you woudln’t do taht to someone you dated..
Cussing. Cussing. Cussing.
Take good care.
Say nothing if you have STDs. Save it for your lawyer and PI. And, us. Cuz we give a,shit.
Rest Up, GW. Enjoy your girlies.
not a good day here… he found out through history that I was on his phone and found the sites and he went ballistic… and then said he didn’t know how they got there.. but the real question is why did I spy on him on the phone.. this is terrible and why is it that I am the one who is sick here and not him.. where is his guilt/ shame / remorse.. anything? WHERE sisters tell me.. I am doing what I need to do.. but just tell me. he is not sick all day in bed>> or sick at all.. he eats, sleeps , fucks who he wants and all is gay and then he kicks me to the curb for doubting him .. same old, thanks for listening. talking to the attorney tomorrow.. my oldest got her braces off today.. hooray and she was so excited.. but sah was texting the whole time saying how I didn’t trust him and how could i and what was wrong with me and my wound up imagination…. and he doesn’t know how the sites got there,, maybe I was trying to frame him and I put them there.. blah, blah, blah.. filthy hooker hookup sites. ugh.. I agree with the posts aobut these electronic devices… I know he would do it no matter what.. but these phones ect…make it so easy for them. anyway a bad day .. tomorrow is another day.. I am the one spiraling. NOT HIM. why is that.. and I know the next blow will be I have a STD or worse HIV… so further down the spiral I will fall… I feel like until he has completely stripped me of everything including my children, my spiral won’t stop… no matter if I get an attorney, a pi, take him to court.. it will jsut keep coming .. I am afraid to get the STD results.. really and that will be just another thing he will blame onme .. ugh a bad day here.. I have never even looked at another man and now I am facing a possible STD ..
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