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dear sisters, i’m posting this so you can help me stay calm for a few days.
so here’s what’s happened.
i found two joints in our fridge. i asked sah about it, he said they’ve been there for year. since we moved in. no we bought a new fridge. well since we had the new fridge.
in a discussion, steve said he was smoking pot the year our son was born, 2003 (which then changed the the year he was depressed 2006 or 2008 i think) he would go to the park and smoke pot.
how often
i don’t know
then, once a month
then 2 or 3 times a yeari never bought pot in vancouver. where did you get the pot if you smoked it.
someone gave it to me
you bought pot from john.
ya for my cousin
i don’t have a dealer here
you know i smoke pot
i didn’t know you were smoking pot at night in the park
and so it went on…this is something i didn’t know about, another secret….his answers changed, he was very defensive.
i did know he smoked pot once or twice at a friends (darrens pot) . i got mad, because they went out on the balcony and my (at the time 3 year old) son was there. imagine – “what’s daddy doing/ what’s that smell?” i also know he did buy pot once for his cousin. other than that, i knew nothing about pot smoking. steve smoked pot every day for years before i knew him.
understand that DA puts on a suburban conservative act. teaches at an elementary school. acts the act.
i had no idea.
i’m furious. it’s one thing if you are an open pot smoker, i can make a decision about that. and it’s another completely different thing to hide that behaviour from me. and another thing not to tell me about it in all these fucking disclosures…and most of all, YOU DON”T LEAVE JOINTS IN THE FRIDGE WHERE YOUR 9 YEAR OLD CAN FIND THEM!!!!!
can you imagine!! he finds it in the fridge and asks what it is and who it belongs to? then we try to tell him he shouldn’t smoke pot?
while my son is a child, there will be no DRUGS IN MY HOME!!!
i think it is likely that DA hasn’t smoked pot in a long time.
but it is also likely that he was smoking regularly when he was binging (2006, 2011 especially). and the whores here in vancouver are crack whores, so it is even possible he got high with them.
i’m trying to stay calm until tuesday. i want to talk to him about this in front of the CSAT so that there is a witness. so she can see him scramble. and so that she can help me show DA how incredibly stupid it is to leave this around. how it’s another betrayal that he didn’t tell me he was smoking pot (but of course he didn’t, it was after he fucked whores, that would lead to questions and blow his cover).
i have no idea how deep this pool is, but i’m concerned!
i’m also going to ask about his drinking while fucking around etc. drinking and driving too.
i wish you guys could see the conservative act this guy puts on….
i’m furious!!!!!
help me keep my cool, i know it is better to wait on this…..
lisacay, I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I’m glad you have CSAT to help you shake some sense into him. Lies on top of lies on top of lies….being furious is a good natural thing. 🙂 I will be thinking of you on Tuesday and hoping that it goes well.
Damn Lisa. I’m so sorry. I’d like to help you kick his scrawny pseudo conservative ass but of course the smart course is to wait until you can confront him in front of the CSAT. But kicking his ass would be WAY more fun.
Try not to talk to him. They have a way of getting under our skin sometimes even by their body language or tone, then bait you with the what’s wrong with you? Or what did I do? Mine does anyway…
If they lie about who they fuck, they will lie about anything. I am no longer surprised about how much I was lied to- stuff that did matter, stuff that didn’t matter. It sucks but that is the nature of the beast.
And leaving that where a child can find it, smoking around a child- VERY BAD boundaries. I think I’d be tempted to get regular drug tests and polygraphs no matter what.
So sorry you are experiencing another betrayal. Remember all your trauma 101 stuff because this is likely to bring up the other betrayal, too. Take care of yourself and your son. Focus on that.
Lisacay,
Early on, I found lots of pot in my husband’s locked filing cabinet in his office. He brought this stuff back on a plane from San Francisco where he bought it legally. Lately I’ve been realizing this whole thing probably started with prostitutes because he tells me when he paid to have the prostitutes stay overnight in hotels the prostitutes were party people. Mind you, my husband is a straight as an arrow guy, never smoked cigarettes, did drugs, nothing. None of my relatives or friends can get over this. He changed so much under the influence of the prostitutes. Sick. Sick. Sick. Disgusting that your husband could leave these joints in plain site for your son.Lisacay,
REALLY? He has lost his mind. Leaving that in the fridge for your nine year old to possibly find? WTF????
I know that finding this adds to the trauma that your already in. This is what happens. It seems like all of these things just keep piling up and we never get a chance to breath.
Your smart to keep your cool. I hope that you can. It is so hard though because we are already so emotional that we can bust open any moment. It really is just one more betrayal to you to keep another secret. It just really hurts and I am so sorry. I know that your stomach must be in your throat. Do some relaxation breathing and let each breath fill you with more strength to be mindful with this new piece of information.
You can by drug tests fairly inexpensive at your local pharmacy. There are a few different ones, so be sure you purchase one that tests specifically for pot. Test is similar to a pregnancy test.
I totally support your need to get it out of your fridge and your house when you have a nine year old son at home.
I know that sometime when these guys cut down their penis activities, they find another medicating tool. Mine took to drinking gin and tonics like they were water. I totally freaked out.
Wouldn’t it be nice to have a “fuck” test. Here – pee on this stick to see if you’ve been with someone else today.
Dear Lisa,
I totally support the wtf factor here. i mean joints in the fridge with a 9 year old in the house? it’s got to go for sure. by whatever means necessary.
on the pot thing. some people call it a gateway drug. that leads to other drugs. but i think many SA’s juggle their addictions. if they don’t act out, they get drunk or high. or some combine all 3. my ex does that.
but poor judgment, irresponsible behavior, medicating in all types of ways, and leading a double life – his conservative appearance, are all part of their problems, and PD and compusions. best you can do is set strict boundaries, as to what is ok with you, and what isn’t. and what happens when those boundaries are violated. back to basics….they always work. sorry for your situation. keep at it.
Lisa – wow! The conservative school teacher screwing hookers and hiding joints in the refrigerator? Sounds like a HBO TV series. You couldn’t make this stuff up. I’m so sorry. Be sure to document it via an email or something in case you need something for court.
Remember – this is his “stuff”. Why bother getting angry? It is what it is. I know when I get angry at my kids it’s a waste of time. Consequences and boundaries stated calmly and firmly are a much better way to get what you need.
Deb
Deb,
If only not getting angry were that easy! 🙂
Getting angry about joints in the frig I would consider healthy anger and if you can control it, then use it to take care of business to get drugs out of your house and life.My therapist has me visualize his chaos and my calm in a way that works for me (everyone is different). My way to do this (as an example, and its corny but it works) is I visualize he is the red spot on Jupiter- all chaotic and turbulent and angry, red- and I am still on Jupiter but somewhere white and where the wind is blowing smoothily and I can just go with the flow. When I feel myself being drawn into the red, I visualize the white and mentally take a step back.
I practice this mentally for a few minutes any time I know I am going to see him. FWIW.
thanks for your encouragement pam, teri, deb, it helps a lot.
like you guys say, anger is a healthy emotion, if channeled properly… our emotions are messengers, if we listen to what they are telling us, we can stay balanced (haha) and learn what we need to from our minds and bodies…
the idea that there are good and bad emotions is a myth, i’ll post later about a really great book i’m reading…
If he is working on “recovery” then he is supposed to be completely sober. What idiot leaves pot around a kid? Geez, these guys are nuts….
I truly believe that over half their problem is the inability to grow the fuck up. That is why this site cannot possibly be considered man bashing. They are not men, they are boys.
I vote lose your cool if you want Lisa…being reasonable is sometimes overrated..imo 🙂
today i’m sad sad sad
my anger in the last few days was my psyche telling me a boundary had been broken (no kidding!). my way to channel that will be to insist that there will be no drugs in my home. and that sah will undergo random drug testing.
sadness is letting go. so i’m sad now, because i need to let go of one more aspect of trust and hope with my partner.
i think maybe we go through so much anger in all its forms so often because so so many of our boundaries are crossed.
and we get sad over and over and over because there is so so much that we need to let go of. stay. or go.
oh bev, i’ll even the score, don’t worry. and i can be patient. patient like a fox.
i won’t hold back on what i think of this in the counselling appt tuesday, and i’ll make sure there is a witness. i may need that witness later. god i hope not, but i may.
DA is going to be mortified and embarrassed about the random drug testing. part of me will enjoy that very much.
You know what REALLY pisses me off? The fact that it is ALWAYS the woman faced with the losses, the woman who has to let go of her dreams, the woman who has to set these asinine boundaries that are trampled time and time again. Why do we settle for it? Do you think your average man would put up with one-tenth of the shit we (repeatedly) allow? I mean really? What is wrong with us?
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