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I was just in court for a support hearing. Ex vacated the property and he wants me to pay mortgage, insurance, taxes, line of credit on the house. Court awarded me $1200 more for $5000 worth of extra expenses. I called my lawyer. She is out of town until Monday. I wrote outbudget and I am at a $500 deficit per month and that doesn’t include things like hair appts, gifts( Christmas?) , anything extra. What if my hot water heater breaks or I need new tires? I also have bills from landscaper $1200, Pool $2000, window cleaner $380. I am newly out of intensive care at hospital due to 20 ft fall from ladder. Does anybody have any advice/has been through this? I feel so anxious I will jump out of my skin. Not sleeping. Thank you
Is downsizing an option for you? It isn’t fair, that you should lose your home because of his penis activities, but we have seen this happen before and the wife ends up having to sell her home to get by.
I’m also wondering why there was a hearing when you were not being represented. That seems wrong.Actually my lawyer was at the hearing! I also paid for her paralegal and a forensic accountant to sit in the hall during the hearing in case they needed to testify. My lawyer treated it as a victory because I got more support money. When I went in to sign the papers she whispered to me ” don’t ask too many questions”. I was nervous, unaware of how much extra I would have to pay each month, and uncomfortable with him there as we have not seen or spoken to each other since June. I signed the papers. It wasn’t until I got home and spoke with the bank that I realized the problem. That hearing COST me several thousand dollars. I want to vacate. I have a feeling my lawyer will have a fit. She is out of town until Monday. Her paralegal said to talk to her before I vacate because I may not like the repercussions (?) not sure what that means. I would live in a shack if I could call it my own. I hate this..
I would love to sell but the staircase is not up to code in our house. Before d day we put all new hardwood floors in the entire house. I put the staircase and finishing touches on hold because all my H shit was going on and I felt like I would lose my mind if I heard one more hammer or had to deal with the stress of workers in my house. They took down the railings from the old staircase It is actually dangerous. Now it will cost $ to put in the new one. Can’t sell the house if it is not up to code. Could sell “as is” but it is a $ 900,000 home and we will lose tons of money. Realtor is demanding it gets done but I cannot afford it.
I had to sell my house tmp, and downsized significantly, and there is a lot of work to getting one ready to sell sometimes. You may have to borrow money, or use credit card, or sell a car and get a cheaper one. I sold one vehicle for 7000 and bought another one for 5000, so I freed up 2000 to give my sons so they could stay in school.
One we wrap our heads around the truth that nothing about this situation is fair, we do what we have to do to change our situation. We almost always lose money in order to do it.It stinks that your lawyer with all those other people didn’t manage to get a deal that would meet your budget. Perhaps you can make him pay for the stairs because you can’t live in it as is becuase it doesn’t meet code.
He charged my credit card almost to the limit the week before he filed for divorce so I can’t use that. Had to borrow money from my parents to eat for 2 months before we got support and to pay bills. Already owe them a couple of thousand dollars. No gifts for Christmas this year….I can’t afford them. So arrogant of him to do the damage he did in this marriage and then make my life hell during divorce. I guess this is pretty common though. I hate him…
My car is new …I traded in myexpensive car for a cheap car when I saw the writing on the wall. I am making payments but they are small. He took literally everything else I could have sold. All the toys, power equipment, vehicles, etc. He did that the weekend I was away. I have nothing to sell anymore. He is playing this “game” like a well oiled machine.and believe me, it is a game to him.
I’m not seeing that your lawyer has been all that helpful if he removed all that stuff. Was it factored into your settlement? It certainly seems to me that he should be paying at least half of what it cost to fix the railing. Also, if those other large bills are for work done before this agreement, then he should be paying half of those too and your lawyer should have made sure that was covered–expenses going forward may be yours, but he should still be liable for expenses prior to this.
TMP, I hate him.
I don’t know what you can do. I have no advice. If he owns half the house, it seems only reasonable that he should contribute to its upkeep, but what do I know?All I can say is at least your story can be a wake up call for women who are trying to make a go of it with their SA. Don’t let this happen to you. Make a plan so that you are ready if they turn on you. Because it happens.
Thank you diane and teri. Yes, he is r4sponsible for 1/2 of bills but I have not yet recieved a penny from him. He doesnt talk to me and I dont know where he lives so everything has to go through lawyers. I dont know why it is taking so long to get the money. My guess is his lawyer is dragging his ass about everything. I am looking into bankrupcy. We will see what happens. My lawyer said he has been planning this for 2 years now while I thought he was working on his addiction and the marriage. He is a piece of scum. Beware sisters! I don’t want this to happen to anyone else. Cover all your bases no matter what he is telling you!!!
Clusterfuck. DAmn MFSOB. I usually don’t swear. 🙂 this site is my/our swearing safe place. arrhhhhggggg shit head SA
Sorry, couldn’t even read everything here as I got so triggered.
Who is protecting you!!!!!!????!!!!!
Diane is correct. A number of us, including me, had to downsize. Many of us are financially abused when SAs are out the door. We never saw it coming. Did the SA have this shit as a back up plan? I still,ask myself, “how did this happen?”. I personally lost a ton of $$$$$$. Saved my sanity but barely.
Your are in the thick of it. Keep posting. We hear you loud and clear even when we do not have the answers you need.
I am so sorry. They can really create disasters financially. I am living through similar situation. Mine has us now living on $950 less than the monthly budget, me and the children. He decided he personally needed that much more, regardless of what he signed on the paperwork. Another plus for him, he knows that leaves me with nothing to hire an attny with to try to get it back. Oh, and he cancelled our health insurance. I just got a notice from the IRS that they denied my Innocent Spouse filing and I will have to go to court about 8K in taxes he didn’t pay with last year’s filing which he did as joint and signed for me electronically though I never saw the paperwork as he lives in TX and I live in NC for the last 19 months. He is fully aware that I am struggling with severe PTSD because of things he exposed me to, so in the past 19 months of job searching and I’m still unemployed. But he SWEARS his whole life is focused on me and the children, and the only reason this family is broken is because I can’t see that he’s a changed man.
Yeah, they can and will do anything they can get away with. That’s why we’re here, right? It is not just sex, they will use anyone in any way that benefits them, and without remorse. Just say “I’m sorry, I really love you and want to win you back’ while they stab you in the back several times a day.
Guess that doesn’t help except as a warning and agreement, never, never, never trust them. Get a forensic accountant if you can and be SURE that you are off as many joint things as you possible can be. Yeah, I believe he’s been planning this while publically claiming to want the marriage. I met mine while he was STILL married and in counseling with his wife, through a dating service that cost him $1,500 to join. He told them he was divorced. All their background, employement, and credit checks did not show THAT little tidbit was false. I am so sorry you are entangled with someone like this. That we all are. Stick around, and the sisters can support you as you cut the net and get free. Having this place at least helps you know you are not crazy, it feels crazy as hell.
Thank you Desiree. I now realize my xh did have this as a back up plan and as soon as he realized he could not manipulate me anymore he turned into asshole mode. He let it be known in recovery community that he was available and because he has MD after his name, the women jumped on it. His recovery was with AA because that is all we have here so he would go to meetings and then go home and have a beer. Nice, huh? Word on the street is that he wants to build a new home, so I am sure he is well into obsession mode…. I am sure you all know what I mean. Instead of dealing with his stuff he is obsessed with the new house.
yes lynn, he is one of those. I am going to see an attorney next week to find out what bankrupcy will do to me. How can I pay mortgage, etc if I just don’t have the money? Meanwhile he floats along prob having sex 3x day with his new girl who is soooo flattered that a DR is interested in her (ugh…she can have him) and happily planning his new house.
I hear ya! I keep holding on to that. I really just want nothing to do with him ever. I can’t believe he did what he did to our family and now he is being so evil. What a sorry excuse for a human being. I hope karma is real…
I can’t believe what losers they all are. I am sorry you are going through such crap, lynn. I am sorry all of the sisters are going through this. Nobody deserves this kind of treatment. Nobody.
I’m sorry, truly sorry. It’s teeth-grinding stuff. I understand how each little bit of news about him drains your energy further. You have to believe that you have it in your to turn your own life around and make it good. It’s just very hard in these times of sorting through the money and stuff. If there is anything you can work out with your lawyer, I hope you will get on it right away.
Hi tmp,
Great posts from the sisters. My xh turned into a monster during my divorce too. Ten weeks before the divorce was final he was fired abruptly from his six figure job and two years after the divorce he’s still not working. He told one of my daughters he’s ‘retired’ (he’s 53). I was unable to get my 2 yrs of maintenance of $2500 per mo because he had no income. I was married to him 25 yrs and had not worked full time in 18 yrs. Fortunately, I had experience in pharmaceutical sale ( worked part time in it for 9 yrs) and after a yrs of no income I contracted with a new home builder and am making some money (run short and have my credit card maxed out with 0% loans and have a personal loan with a nice friend, my family won’t loan me money). I just do the best I can with what I have and think positive because I’ve somehow made it this far and I’m grateful. If the housing market goes soft I will need to get a second job and may anyway because I need to pay off my loans and really need the extra income. I work every weekend for the builder so I could work during the week to supplement. I’m sorry for your situation and just know we are here for you and know what you’re feeling.
Love, NapxoNAP so since he was fired from his job he doesn’t have to pay you? That is scarey. Like many of you, I supported my xh through thick and thin. We had 2 children in his residency and he was making $17,000/year. I didn’t mind… I was happy and so in love with my little family. It was his choice to work so much. I begged him to stay home more but he wouldn’t hear of it. His father is a workaholic, so I just figured the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. After a while, I figured I might as well enjoy the money even though I rathered him at home. I had no idea he was acting out at work . Disgusting. It wasn’t about money for him. Work=sex. Now all of a sudden he cares about money. He nickle and dimes me for every penny. His lawyer even made me pay the $10 per capita fee from our school taxes. It prob cost more than that to have his lawyer send the bill to my lawter then to me. What is weird is I have no idea where he lives. All the bills go to his office. Thats why I think he is hiding a girl. Otherwise, why wouldn’t he share his address ? It doesn’t make sense.
In my state maintenance is based on my need and his ability to pay. Well, without a job, there is no ability to pay. I think he got fired on purpose. My lawyer told me many men don’t pay their maintenance because they know the xwife cant afford to keep taking them to court for it. It’s not enforced where I live like child support where they will garnish wages. My lawyer said in our state if the wife can walk and talk she can get a job…..
Wow. Thats awful. And so wrong on so many levels. I know I will never have the earning power my xh has. Never. I am educated but gave up my career to stay home with the kids. It was a choice we both made. In this state his wages are garnished. I did have a job after 27 years out of the job market. I made $117 for an entire week of work. Yep its true. I had to stop working after I fell off a ladder and ended up in intensive care at the hospital. I had changed the locks on the house and locked myself out accidently. Still not cleared to go back to work. I wonder what would happen if I lived in your state….it just doesn’t seem right. But then again nothing is fair in this nightmare.
Tmp I am so sorry that asshole has done this to you. When I read what you and Lynn have gone through financially, I can see that this is probably why Dan lost his job. On purpose. If I file for divorce, and I get a job, I would probably have to pay him child support. No shit. He will continue his shitty little side jobs so I will have to get a job so I have health insurance. From what all of you are saying I can see the writing on the wall. SHIT.
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