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My H’s one year recovery date (according to him) is in 13 days. Things have been going well lately. FINALLY.
We’ve had several computer disasters over the years. 3 desktops, 2 laptops and a netbook. They all died for various reasons. We saved the hard drives.
We finally bought a device that will copy the information off the old drives. We just finished doing my daughters netbook and it definitly works. We erased the drive when done.
One of the drives is my H’s old laptop. It died about 3 years ago. So any info on it is at least 3 years old. And as soon as my H copies what he wants from it, it will be wiped clean.
I temprarily “hid” it behind the dresser so I can claim it must have fell. When he is asleep tomorrow I can look at it. Search it. In the past he has wiped any proof of actions immediatly after use. So it is probable I’d find nothing.
I don’t want to dig through stuff three years + ago and retraumatize myself by finding things I already knew about and subject myself to revisiting the horror of what I already know. On the other hand, I can’t help but be eaten up by the idea that some undisclosed secret is contained on that drive.
I am so sick just thinking about it. As the time is nearing where I need to act… or never act… I am an upset anxiety mess. I’ve taken ativan. It is taking every ounce of my self control to hold myself together. I feel like I did many months ago.
What to do? Try to keep it hidden and search it tomorrow? Or let him wipe it clean?
I say wipe it clean, it’s old stuff and it would only sabotage the relationship. This is my opinion Kim.
Love, Nap
If it is 3 years old and he is doing well, I think you might be wise to wipe it clean, figuratively and literally. Not for him, but for your own health and welbeing. Having said that, I think I would have a hard time resisting looking. Be gentle with yourself whatever you do…hugs and well wishes to you.
I don’t know, Kim. I have some weird self-torture thing going, so I have to admit I would look at it. But.. that wouldn’t be the healthiest thing to do, I know, especially since things are going well with you and your h. If you think you can be ok not looking at it, then that’s probably the best thing to do for yourself. I hate it when we get put in these kinds of situations.. I never know exactly what it is I’m trying to accomplish by digging. It’s like it comes in waves where it’s compulsive and all rational thinking goes out the window for me. Go with your gut on this one. Sleep on it and see how you feel in the morning. But whatever you decide, if you’re not getting any current sense of something being off, I think that’s really a good sign. xoxo
My dear kim,
I so understand your doubts and fears. I have been there many times. But, what I have found over the years is that the best thing we can do to reduce our stress is to just be honest, with ourselves and with our husbands.
Why not tell your husband what you are thinking? Tell him exactly what you have told us. Show him by example what it is like to be completely honest and vulnerable in a relationship.
Don’t make this just your problem, work it out with each other. Maybe you can look at the hard drive together. Or, you may decide to put it away for a while. That way you won’t have to decide just yet whether you want to look at it or not.
Don’t feel forced into this ‘either/or’ decision if you’re not sure what you want to do. You can take your time to decide.
Please, don’t hide it and don’t lie about it. Just tell him like it is. If you want to look at it, then that is what is right for you. So, tell him. If you want to keep it for a while, or forever, that is also your choice, so tell him that. You have no reason to hide all this from your husband or stress over it all alone.
Just tell him your doubts and fears and make whatever decision you want whenever you are ready.
Much love. ~ JoAnn
I loved it so much, I took it. Thank you for helping me step out of my spiral.
I brought the stack of hard drives in and told him I was internally freaking about his drive. He gave me a kiss on the forehead and said I was upsetting myself for nothing. He said he was positive there was nothing to see on it and he hooked it up and told me to have a seat and look all I wanted.
I decided to wipe it clean myself as sort of a gesture at taking his word for it. Then he gave me a short lecture about not wasting my time getting upset about my fears. To save it for when things actually HAPPEN.
Thanks everyone. I still feel sick to my stomach but I feel better emotionally.
Kim,
What a great story. His reaction to your worries and his actions to set it up for you to look at was very compassionate to your concerns. That is great progress. I think it was a positive move on both of your parts. I am happy for you.
{{{{}}}}}}}
Oh Kim,
sometimes it works! I’m so glad it worked for you this time. YOu had some encouragement owed, I think.
hugs,
D.I wasn’t there… and I can’t see his affect, however I see this a bit differently.
My husband as you probably know also had a bunch of hard drives that he was USING. Interestingly, they are ALL gone now. Guess we didn’t REALLY need them, now did we? Music back ups and all…
But……….. he also told me that I was FREE TO LOOK. That was last April. And he told me again in May. And it wasn’t until August that I really looked and was horrified by what I found!
Then, I realized that my husband didn’t realize that 12 back and forth lonnnnnnng, detailed, highly flirtatious emails, with an attractive co-worker in Kansas City was inappropriate. He didn’t realize that telling his former fuck buddy about his sexual conquests and how wonderful it was and how he deserved it, was inappropriate either.
I don’t like that condescending kiss on the forehead. nope. I don’t like it and I don’t like the lecture either.
Of course, this is my problem and I’m glad that what he said, made you feel better and perhaps he’s on the up and up and perhaps he’s not.
Again, my problem. I guess what I’m trying to say is… once the trust has been broken in this manner over and over and over and my h didn’t even REALIZE when he HAD broken that sacred trust, I am not going to put myself through that kind of hell ever again!
I think that’s why you still feel sick to your stomach and not total relief. Maybe he figured that your wouldn’t call his bluff.
he was right.
but still, honey… I’m glad that you wiped them clean.
oh… this is all such hideous stuff! But, it IS better to get it ALL out on the table… I think that when we meet the beast head-on… it makes it not quite as formidable.
hugs and love,
L
Everyone’s situation and everyone’s husband is different.
Even though our stories are oh so familiar and the traits of Sex Addicts are maddeningly similar, each journey is unique.
Some men remain assholes. Some men simply cannot change no matter how hard they try. Some men will lie, manipulate and continue to act out while others will truly want to change and will do everything they can to become a better person. Some will succeed, some will falter, some will fail.
What is our experience may or may not be another’s. That’s why we are all here, to share our struggles in hope that it will add light to our Sister’s journey.
We walk a very fine line during this journey. Little decisions along the way will vary the outcome–often dramatically. Giving unearned trust, especially too soon, will harm everyone, but remaining closed to any progress will do exactly the same.
If we see hope for saving the relationship, and if we see true commitment and progress in our husbands, then there will come a time, in fact there will be many times, when we have to make the choice to either open up a bit and be vulnerable once again with the hope that we will not be betrayed; or to remain closed, which prevents the relationship from moving forward.
Kim, I think you were in a place where you felt comfortable with your husband’s efforts and were ready to open up just a bit. You are strong, you understand that you could be hurt again, but you made that decision to give him, and the relationship, that chance.
Kim, I think you make the right decision and I support you completely.
Kim,
JoAnn made her astute comment after I had written a post about my situation with computers and my husband and i’m afraid I went a little overboard. I hope that you didn’t read it, not that I disagreed with anything you have done; I absolutely do not. I think once we know what we know, that further delving is a very slippery slope, but an individual choice.
Its really one of the primary reasons that I’m going. I simply do not have the constitution to always be waiting for the other shoe to drop, but that is just me.
Also, it is possible, that I “read into” your husband’s reaction. I wasn’t there. Its just that I fear so much a woman being hurt, but of course, we all know what the real deal is. I believe that everyone of us on SOS is fully grounded (jesus… thank God for the editing button, I had written “regarded”-haha!) in reality.
I just unsubscribed from a blog where a woman was not even close to being fully grounded and it triggered me like nobody’s business!!! I cannot stand to see a woman being abused!
I hope that everyone is having a very beautiful day!
Love,
Laurel
It was good to hear your story and to also be reminded of how importance honesty is [even when it’s hard to do] and also how wise these men can be [ i know for me – i don’t let his good shine through or make any room for it – because i get so caught up in feeling hurt and not trusting.] Thank you for this inspiration.
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