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Ok ladies, I need some help here.
I don’t know if you remember my story, but I always believed that my ex SAH was only into the porn, chat lines etc apart from the affair he had with the woman he’s now with. I had some old mobile phone bills of his from when we still lived together and there was always a number that bothered me on them because although it was just a normal landline number (for a change!) it was to an area of the city where we don’t know anyone. Anyway, I had these old phone bills out for my visit to the solicitor the other day and I googled the phone number. Kittens Penthouse Massage Parlour. Geeez…I’m in shock. I truly never thought that he had gone that far. I’m sat here shaking. I shouldn’t care, I’m not even still with the bloke, but was just wondering – what actually goes on in these places? How bad are we talking? I’ve had STD tests done because there was always a niggling doubt that it may have gone further. I don’t know what else to say….it takes a lot for it to happen…..but I’m speechless.Bb x
Bb,
the ongoing discovery is such a hard piece. It’s like a well with no bottom. I’m glad you had the tests and hope you will hear good results. I hope your lawyer is interested in the risk he put you in by going to these places without your knowledge, and continuing to have a sexual relationship with you.
But the shock is what you have right now, and I understand that horrible feeling—just when you think you are done with the ugly truth, it re-invents itself and hits you broadside. Please remember you are getting out of this mess, you know enough to do that, you are wise enough with your own life now that you can trust yourself. That’s really important. Trust yourself. Believe that the hope for joy and peace lies within yourself. You just clearing out the clutter and having a “car boot sale”—isn’t that what they call it in England? Over here its a yard or garage sale. So go with the “car boot sale” and give him the boot part.
love across the sea,
D.(((hugs))) busybee… I’m really sorry, but yes… its bad, really, really, really bad. Those are “sex workers” and they will do whatever he wants them to do. I think what one needs to know with a sex addict that whatever they are telling you is most likely not even close to the entire story. Please rest easy… he’s with someone else now? oh my oh my… well, she’s just a replacement place holder. Thats all, he is capable of, at best. I’m so sorry. L
(((hugs))) busybee… I’m really sorry, but yes… its bad, really, really, really bad. Those are “sex workers” and they will do whatever he wants them to do. I think what one needs to know with a sex addict that whatever they are telling you is most likely not even close to the entire story. Please rest easy… he’s with someone else now? oh my oh my… well, she’s just a replacement place holder. Thats all, he is capable of, at best. I’m so sorry. L
Hi busy bee,
Sorry that you have found more evidence. I to beleived that my SA was only into porn or atleast that is what he says and he appeared 100% beleivable. But he is a master at lying, and my gut really says otherwise after finding the hooker call card in his wallet two years ago.I am glad you posted this even though it hurts you to help others. For me I have often suspected that my soon to be ex sah was doing more but have no evidence, no phone records to paruse, no cc to paruse, no bank statement to paruse; just my gut and one peice of paper that was thrown out two years ago.
This is the worlds way of telling you…you did the right thing and all this has saved you from a continued life of misery with the ass. Now you know the worst of it, i think with these guys we have to assume the worst. Now you know what that is and further support that it is good it ended.
The deception never ends. I am sorry that he continues to hurt you even after the fact. But now you know…
Sending love your way…
FloraHi BB,
Like Dr. Phil says: “when you see one rat, you see fifty”. Sorry to say, Ive heard we only know about 10% of what they actually do. In my case, I believe its true and what I already knew was pretty awful. I know you were surprised to learn this, however, when it comes to SA, I’m not that surprised anymore. It all can be clumped together as “disgusting”. love, napDear Busybee:
— Busy bee— be thankful you moved on. You got a confirmation today of what the future would hold for you if you stayed. smile and be glad. I am sorry that yet again, the SA uglies have come to the surface to hurt, mame and shock even after the fact. I mean I think we were all once in the boat, of No, not my guy, he wouldn’t do THAT. He loves me too much. He wouldn’t go there. He only had a porn problem —blah blah blah. The list goes on.
Welp,. these aholes could give a rat’s nugget. Even when our health is at risk, STD’s etc, they will bury their behavior–never bring it to light. mostly cause they are just going to do it again. in the case of addiction–where infidelity, hurt, breaking marriage vows, are all emotionally painful – risk for disease is present– so we DO need to know, so we don’t end up with STD’s, HIV
I have to say, I don’t think I want to know the truth anymore, ladies. It is ugly jaded and threatens any joy that I may find in life. my life in denial before d day was far superior to how I feel now about life, men and marriage now. I am not the better for it, I must say. I want my girlish innocence back. this SA experience has not made me a better woman. only a broken one. sorry to wwaaah– but I am tired of knowing all the time. I wish to shut off my gut. and tune the f’k out. love my daughter. smile more, even if its in stupidity and denial, at least it’s a smile. Allthis truth about their behavior has brought nothing but misery since he opened his nasty, selfish, perveted mouth about it. He should’ve shut F up and let me have a life. selfish, nasty addicted man. force feeding me garbage and rotten trash for my hopes and belief in him and our life. it is sick. it is horrible.
Can I say, OVER it?!?? I have had it with these lying, cheating assholes!! Ugh! BB, Be happy you’re YOU and not her! You know, the one he’s with that he hooked up with while you were together???!!! Good luck Missy is all I can think of!!! She’s gonna need it!! I’m so sorry tho and I know how much it hurts! It makes me want to throw up!!
Pam, you said it! I’m glad I know now, but I get what you mean! I think instead of living in oblivion, I would just rather rewrite the chapters of my last 17 years and erase him out if it!!! We have no children together, so that would work! I’m so tired from this life I’ve been in and all the friggin lies that go with it!! SA takes such a ridiculous toll, it’s unfathomable, unless you’ve lived it! And even then, sigh…..
Nap, Lex, Flora, Diane, it never ends, does it???Hi Busybee
I’m so sorry that you have to go through this pain, all over again. And just to reiterate what Flora said, I also this that it’s the universe telling you that you made the right decision. Although these poor women at these massage parlors will do all sorts of things that most women wouldn’t, I have heard that they do insist on barrier protection during anything sexual – so from a physical aspect, I think you should be okay. Though the mental / emotional damage does go on. Wishing you strength through this.
Much love,
LayaThank you all for your love and support. You’re the only ones who truly understand. I’ve just had a horrible night’s sleep with lots of nightmares about massage parlours etc. Nothing should surprise me any more – but it still kicks you in the gut.
The positive out of all this is that my solicitor said he can request back financial records of my husband’s and that if he can show that he has been spending money on his perverted habits it will give us a good case for me getting a bigger percentage of the house. He’s also going to use the fact that I cashed in my superannuation and we cashed in the endowment policy, both to pay off debts caused by his habits.
Maybe karma is starting to do it’s stuff! Here’s hoping….Bb
xSL,
You asked if it never ends…..well, I would say it most cases they don’t change unless by some miracle they come clean, which seems to be rare. My husband wasn’t going to ever come clean. Did he want to lose me because of it? Probably not, but I knew too much. Had I never found out he would have still loved me to be his wife (his cover). These guys, seem for the most part ruthless, selfish, and just plain sick. They not only lie to us but also their children, employers, friends, family…all for their addiction. Life with a known addict is a rough life. Thank goodness we all have choices.NAP – The lieing never stops! It is amazing to me how my husband knows that lieing was the deal breaker and he continues to do it – even admits he is a compulsive lier, and knows he is losing me because of the lieing. Go figure.
He has not journaled in quite some time, and has not posted on RN since 5-5. Doesn’t sound like motivation to save his marriage. I think he purposefully sabatoges the marriage.Hi Sharron,
Sorry your husband is being such a ………(fill in rude word of your choice!)
I think you’re probably right about him sabotaging the marriage. I feel that I have achieved some clarity after my ‘discovery’ about how far my ex H had gone with his SA. I think they sabotage the relationship when they feel we know too much. We are making things too uncomfortable for them – making demands (setting boundaries), checking financial documentation, questioning where they have been if they are late etc. They don’t want to have to deal with this, but they want us as their ‘cover’ – their acceptable, normal face for the world to see. But, definitely in my ex H’s case, they need a person to be their ‘cover’, so they seek out a replacement before they leave. My ex has chosen SO well. She’s commitment phobic, so no worries about her wanting to move in together, and therefore no financial attachment and no awareness of what time he rolls home (or doesn’t) at night. But he has that person there to lean on emotionally, to feed his ego and to present a ‘normal’ face to society, his family, friends etc.
I should feel sorry for her really, but she knew he was cheating to be with her, so she knew what he was capable of when she got together with him. She’s made her bed, so now she’ll just have to lie in it.Sorry your husband continues to cause you so much pain. He doesn’t deserve you. You obviously really want your marriage to work but he’s not doing his bit. It always makes me think of a comment the priest made at our wedding. Marriage is like two people in a boat. If only one of them is rowing, you just go round in circles.
He should pick up that bloody oar and put some effort in, but unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to be doing that.
Love and hugs
Bb
xHi busybee-thanks for the reply. These SA’s all have the same MO. Aren’t you glad you are out? No more drama!! They’re whole lives, and everyone around them are a constant drama- We just get sucked in!!
That girfriend of your ex’s sounds like a real winner. Wonder when she will get her fill of him. That relationship will never last.Hugs
Hi BB and Sharron,
BB I think your last post describes it to a “T”. I know that is exactly what happened in my situation too. Because they become sicker, the next “cover” they choose will likely be as sick as they are (maybe not with SA but with something else). She sounds like the “perfect partner” for a SA, even though we know they are both really bad off.
Sharron, I’m sorry your SAH is still lying to you, sounds like he can’t stop or doesn’t want to. At this point it doesn’t matter why. Its hard to trust and live with a liar. It’s not fair to you because you are such a special person and it just wastes you time and life away.
Love, nap
Good evening ladies.
I have no idea who introduced me to this little gem of advice, but I keep repeating it to myself several times a day:
Sometime things have to fall apart before they can fall together.
Addiction sure seems to keep victimizing the victims (us and our families) over and over again, talking its toll on our minds and bodies. Guess that’s what happens when love, hope and promises have been replaced with anger, misery and lies. Let the addicts hang on to whatever “truths” they want to. I don’t want to be a victim ever again. If we had some kind of curable disease, we would want it treated. Right? So if falling apart (once in a while) is what it takes to be whole again, so be it.
Hope everyone has a much better day tomorrow and hugs to all.
Oh, I almost forgot, Busybee, quite a few “massage parlors” were just busted in my area. Seems like some of them have them have become “full” service emporiums! Sex phone lines, web cam activity, used underwear sales, in addition to regular and full service massages. The mix and match services offered reminded me of a Chinese carry-out menu. Pick one from column A & C and two from column B. Yuck. Guess they have to stay busy even if there aren’t too many customers. You’ll probably never really find out what he was doing there. Try and throw all those thoughts out with the trash/garbage tonight. Hope you have much better dreams soon.
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