he’s gone

When I woke up this morning, I got up and the first thing I heard was the sound of a car and I looked out the window and saw my husband driving off. no good-bye. no nothing.

I came down and made myself some breakfast and opened up my email and found two emails, from him; one to me and one to the boys. Here it is… please notice how apologetic he is; how deeply deeply regretful that he has hurt me so badly, that I would make him leave his home. BTW, he very rarely, until recently called me by my real name. It was usually, his nickname for me, “Wawa.”

Dear Laurel,

That wasn’t a “stunt”. That is the e-mail you write to every day, the one I use for everything EXCEPT my “acting out”, which I have not been doing most of the year now. If you had been able to read it later, you would have found absolutely nothing. It was my complacency that left it on your tabpad and a coincidence that the web site wasn’t responding later.

But all that hardly matters. If it hadn’t been those things, it would have been something else. It’s obviously not the way for either of us to live, so now we’ll have the break from each other that we got close to having months ago. And that you’ve wanted all along. I realize it’s not going to happen very soon, but I hope that eventually, we’ll get along better this way. I’m terrified of loneliness and isolation but I’ll take it day by day.

I’ve no inclination to be condescending to you, or angry towards you or snide with you. I’m very sad about it all, whether it shows in obvious ways or not. It’s appropriate that you endeavor to manage your business alone. Whether you take me up on it or not, I’m willing to help you become self-managing. I wish you wouldn’t see it as condescension. I greatly admire your determination to take LBI to the next level. I’ve been telling people that you’re working very hard.

I will have to make more than one trip for stuff this weekend and I will always call you before I arrive so that you know I’m coming. I don’t want to surprise you or intrude on you.
Now, I must write to the boys.

***

(my response)

Yes, yes of course, addicts always try to minimize and shift blame and say stupid things, like if it hadn’t been that, it would’ve been something else… The reason WHY, shimon, is that you do not understand what constitutes acting out and what doesn’t. Complacency of this nature– leaving any reminder of your acting out, IS PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR. All of your extremely intimate, highly inappropriate emails with Michalcunt were done on your “every day” email. You remember her, right? Your former fuck-buddy-turned-intimate-erotic-confidant; the one who you told recently was STILL gorgeous; the one who you told that you were seeing Sara later, because you “DESERVED IT?” The one who you confided in your every detail of your erotic conquests? Can you even begin to imagine how immensely hurtful that all is? she was in our home? she came to see Cale perform? how could you? your arrogance knows no bounds. Your correspondences with moniquecunt were on fakebook, which is through your “every day” email. and that is just what i know… I’m sure that this is only a sampling of inappropriate behavior on your every day email, but what does it matter? WHY WERE YOU EVEN LOOKING AT ANY EMAIL ON ***MY*** TAB???

When was the last time you told me that I was still gorgeous (without provocation) or even told me that I was adorable, sexy, hot, or that you WANTED me or looked at me with love and lust in your eyes? Why am I left to discover over and over and over and after BEGGING you to tell me the truth, that not only did you not want me, but you wanted everyone who wasn’t me– for years and years and years??? I have never felt so entirely humiliated, crushed and wholly unwanted.

Passive-aggressive, narcissistic, sick people, do not KNOW that they are this way. It is part of their intrinsic make up. If you had the power to know this, then you would’ve had the power to have empathized with me, as I did you, and you could’ve never ever done any of the things to me that you did.

furthermore, your email is STILL FUCKING LOCKED UP. I wanted to die when the very first thing I saw coming up on my virginal, innocent tab was YOUR FUCKED UP HORDE— it was like you just had to rub my face in the fact that you can have all of the fucking secrets you want from me and there isn’t a thing i can do about it. Why is optonline good enough for me, but not you? why couldn’t you just have g-mail like the rest of the population? why, why, why??? Nina and Jonathan share an email as do Laura and Denny. I can’t even SEE YOUR EMAIL. I was never even interested, UNTIL July 5th 2006, the night you deemed it necessary to leave your smut shit OPEN on MY lap top? the night i read that you had told another woman that my breasts are “small.”

i should’ve made you leave right then and there… but at the time, of course, with an autistic 11-yr-old and a massive-handful-ADHD-16-yr old, that was nigh impossible. Besides I BELIEVED you when you said that it was “just” chat and that you had not met any of them in person and that you would fucking stop!

I BELIEVED YOU, BECAUSE I COULD NOT IMAGINE THAT MY DARLING HUSBAND OF 18 YEARS WOULD EVER LIE TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but you didn’t stop, did you? no, it only escalated as I begged you to get help, go for career counseling, get a REAL hobby, join a club, a group, take me out. find a REAL way to make more money… take me away, as you had promised… and most of all, treat me with a modicum of respect. and even that, you could not do.

YOU are the untrustworthy one. it does not matter if we were not having sex. that was your choice; your decision; i would’ve worked with you on that; but you never tried. you made all sorts of excuses, but that doesn’t give you the right to do what you did to me. and then NOT figure out how you were going to support your family. remember us? the guy at the bank yesterday was shaking his head. he told me that i was very attractive. he didn’t get it. and he hadn’t even heard how funny i am or taste my incredible chocolate cake, or know how i can kick butt and do the impossible by getting our son into the poshest, most incredible therapeutic boarding school, that everyone said would be impossible.

nothing is impossible, if you want it badly enough.

People with nothing to hide; hide nothing. The skanks that I contacted ALL HAD IT COMING TO THEM. EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM. I do not and would not write anything to any of your appropriate contacts and you know that. The fact that you not only insinuated that, but actually SAID THAT i might do that, indicates that after twenty-fucking-five years, you do not know me at all.

Remember when you wanted to have sex with me at the botanical garden? remember? I don’t even think that we were married yet. I would’ve done that. I’m about 100 times more adventurous than you ever were. You never asked. you never bothered to find out. you never wanted to know how you could be a better lover to me. you didn’t want to know…

but even worse. you did not even want to touch me. you didn’t look at me. you didn’t want me. you were often irritable, depressed, half-dead, falling asleep, unemployed, delusional in your thinking over how much it costs to live here, and what you were capable of doing.

I TRIED TO BUILD YOU UP THE BEST WAY I KNEW HOW. I was often telling you, how brilliant you are and how I thought that you would be fantastic doing social work, or a managerial position, because I had always thought that you were very fair and had a winning way with people. I had told you this over and over, and then— what did you do with that information? on the heels of a romantic trip to Las Vegas, a surprise birthday for 20 at your favorite restaurant and a trip to St. Thomas that if I hadn’t said or done anything, would NEVER have happened???

you decided single-handedly to step outside of our marriage vows and have as many women as would have you, even stalk at least one woman, who obviously was not in the least bit interested in you. you put your fucking job in jeopardy and for that I want to rip your sorry head off!

You abandoned me, also lonely and depressed with our situation (including the difficult, difficult time raising out children) to fend for myself.

What kind of a monster would do that? what kind of REAL man just abandons, not only his wife, but his two children, in favor of some skanky, fat, stinky nudist, with her fingers up her blubbery twat???

So, I take it all back. You are not brilliant. You are not terrific with people. but you DO make a fantastic janitor, except for your desk, upstairs in the home we have shared for the last 20.5 years.

i heard you vacuuming, i have no idea what or where.

when you return, to pick up your stuff…

i want every fucking wire that is not connected to anything removed from that cesspool up there. and then I would very much appreciate it if you could vacuum the entire area, until the carpeting is as clean and new looking as when it was installed. i have been begging you for years to do this, as I believe that
the immense amounts of dust and dirt that have collected back there, for the last 10 years are a health hazard and probably are the cause for your eczema.

Who is going to make you go to the doctor now, Shimon? who is going to remind you to get your skin cancer scraped off or put your spinach pie in the oven so its ready when you get home? who is going to make you laugh like i used to do??? remember? remember the laughter?

well, you fucking managed to kill that too. you killed everything that was special and wonderful about me and us… you killed it with your arrogance, selfishness and hubris. You have such contempt for Donald Trump, but in actuality, you are exactly the same as him; just don’t have the money, the drive or the ambition, but otherwise, you are identical. Maybe that’s why you hate him so much. he reminds you of you.

I tried shimon. i tried my best to work with what was presented to me, which was a depressed, often disdainful, arrogant, shell of a man who didn’t seem to care if I was alive or dead or home or with another man or anything… and that is not why i married you. i married you, because i could not imagine living the rest of my life without you in it, for even one day… i loved you insanely and would’ve gone to the ends of the earth for you and to you…

i wanted to go away with you… i did for so many years… but you managed to systematically shut down all receptors… well, almost all… i am traumatized beyond belief, humiliated and trashed and quite frankly, i would be the happiest woman on earth if i never had to look at your ugly face ever again. BTW, I had always thought (for many, many years) that you were exceedingly handsome, sexy, loving, and had enough integrity for 10 men. When I use to go to that exercise class in kisco, I sometimes heard other women complain about their sorry excuse for husbands and thought how lucky I was… it boggled my mind, how it was not the same for them.

now, i get it.