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I told my husband on the phone 2 nights ago that I don’t want to be married to him anymore.( yes, the phone, because I can’t stand to talk to him in person and distance is safer, and yes, 2 nights ago, I have trouble asking for help when I need it the most,always feel like I’m taking up too much space or time and I’m bothering everyone. I am in awe of the women on here who can and do ask for help as things are unfolding ) At first he didn’t believe me, then he was angry, then he started weeping and sobbing and it was horrible. He’s never done that before. I didn’t completely cave, because I really don’t want to be married to him anymore and I can’t forgive him for what he did and he’s so controlling and a hundred other reasons, but I then said, okay Minwalla or divorce and borrowed Bev’s line about even if he does Minwalla, it doesn’t mean we’ll stay married. He kept crying and I got off the phone,he called once yesterday, and I answered because I thought he was going to talk about the minwalla or divorce options, and he just cried more. I’m a mess, feeling sorry for him, trying to focus on me, trying to channel JoAnne, and it’s not working. I’m not going to answer the phone anymore, he can text me, that way I don’t have to hear it, I just can’t stand it. If we didn’t have a daughter, I wouldn’t have given him the option, but now that I have, I want him to say no to Minwalla, and I feel like a terrible mother for hoping he won’t go. I get panicky at the thought of living with him at any time or trying to work with him about anything. I’m scared now that I’ve given him the option that he’ll say yes, and I feel like a terrible person for throwing that out there when I didn’t want to, but did it for my daughter and because he was crying, and even more terrible for now hoping he’ll say no.And how’s this for terrible? I know there are jokes on here about wishing them dead pretty regularly, but I REALLY do want him to die, it’s hard for me to even write this, but it would be so much easier and so much more final. That’s just not me in the rest of my life, and another thing to feel terrible about. I would never admit that to anyone else. I don’t know what to do, I guess just wait and see what he says?
Ignore the crying.
What do you want?
Given that you can’t go back to the place of not knowing, given that you can only work with the truth as you have it…
Do you want your daughter to witness abuse and think its ok or do you want your daughter to see that it’s not ok to be treated like this and that it’s not ok?
What advice would you offer your best friend who is in the same situation?
What would you want your daughter to hear from her best friend if she ever found herself in your shoes?
Then work out what you have to do to be safe and to reach that point…
Ps I still wish my h had died and but for the grace of God I didn’t kill him!!! X
Hugs because its impossible xOkay Courtney, take a few deep breaths and calm down. Of course it would be easier if they were dead. We can wish them dead all we want but it does not mean that they will die.
The Minwalla thing is something that I will always be glad I did. I cannot and will not say it works for everyone and I will not say that I can prove the difference in my H will last. If your H says he will go and it does help him then he will be easier to deal with as a co parent and during the divorce. So, you have nothing to lose if he goes. I am betting money that he will refuse just based on his actions/attitude so far.
You do NOT owe him anything. Whether he goes to Minwalla or enters the Priesthood….. You owe him nothing. Whatever tears he is shedding wouldn’t begin to compare to the tears you have shed.
You told him what his options were. The only text he needs to send is “I am going to Minwalla’s on xxxx date” or ” I will be expecting divorce papers from your attorney”
Other than that, nothing he says is important.
You are going to make it thru this ….. You have come a long way in a short time …. Keep strong!!
As for his tears and texts? FUCK THAT 🙂
Dear Courtney,
Now listen to me carefully. You MUST end this because it sounds very clearly to me that you do not want that man and nor should you. Do not be swept away by his tears. They are for himself not you. Chances are he will not go to LA but is attempting to overwhelm you. Don’t talk to him anymore. Get a lawyer and have them communicate with him. If he wants to go to Minwalla then he can go and get some help. He is NOT your responsibility This is the consequence for his behaviour which has clearly killed any shred of love you had left for him. If you feel panicked at the thought of being around him, then you must honour that feeling and stay away from him. He will be ok. They are survivors these men and he will soon have another victim. But it will not be you Courtney. Not anymore. Come and talk to us more. Don’t try to wade through all of this on your own dear girl. It will work out in the end. Stay strong and take care of YOU. Karen xx
Courtney honey, first of all, never feel like posting here is bothering us. That’s what we’re here for. And we love you. We want to help in any way we can.
The crying thing. Classic guilt maneuver out of the SA playbook. “Look honey, I AM a human being – see my tears? See? See? I’m a real boy!” He knows that you actually are a human being with real feelings including empathy and he’s playing on that. Just hold on to that gut instinct that lead you here. You know that’s not the real him, that’s just the him that doesn’t want you to be the one that walks away. If he can, he will suck you back in and then walk away from YOU so HE wins. It’s just a big game with your life. I wouldn’t sweat the Minwalla offer too much, particularly since I really think this was just a “you don’t get to leave me, I have to leave you” ploy. I don’t think he will go. And even if he does, you told him that’s no guarantee.
I totally understand the whole widow vs. divorcee. Probably every one of us here have thought that – repeatedly. Seriously thought it. Yes, it would be easier: sympathy and casseroles and INSURANCE PAYOUT!!! Triple win!
Sending you hugs Courtney. You have so much on your plate right now. Please, please keep venting and sharing here.
Love,
DaisyUgh! So true, he’s crying for himself, feeling sorry for himself. No tears for the pain he’s caused his family, or he’d already have his bags packed for LA. Dear Courtney, reserve your sympathy and generosity of spirit for yourself right now. You need it BECAUSE of him, and you cannot spare it without suffering more.
courtney,
please don’t worry about any promises or offers you made to him. you don’t owe him a thing honey.
cease all contact for a while. maybe even texts. just get some safety for yourself. maybe focusing on that one thing will make things easier for yourself. get some distance and some safety.
the rest can wait.
hugs,
lisa
You must have come a long way to arrive at the decision to part. Stick to your guns. I often wish my husband had died. I wouldn’t have had to go on websites in the middle of the night trying to seek help and comfort from other women who understand what I am going through to try to stay somewhat sane. Death is a nice little package where you grieve the one you love fully supported by your family and friends who understand your suffering and then you move on. Our marriages have died but we are in purgatory.
Mine used to cry too. It was pure manipulation. Don’t fall for it. They are actors and use whatever they think will work in their bag of tricks. Stay true to yourself and you will be fine. Do not let him compromise you in any way. Repeat to yourself “What is best for me and my daughter”. Do not trust him or give him the benefit of the doubt. In some sick way it would end up being used against you. Stick to your instincts : )
I have to agree. A man who is as horrible as your husband is doesn’t get up one morning and suddenly become kind. It is manipulation and you have to keep your guard up against it.
Courtney – I so feel for you right now. I can not offer any advice because truth be told – I would LOVE for mine to call me crying. Showing some sort of emotion. Showing some kind of pain. But he has not – his actions tell a different story. Listen to the girls. They have your back. I will pray for your strength and clarity while I am praying for mine. Hang in there and post often – it helps all of us – really.
Thanks everyone so much! I am reading and rereading all of your posts. I took those deep breaths, went and soaked in a hot tub for a long time, came back and read your comments and I feel so much better, stronger, and now I’m getting angry about those tears, which feels like a much better place to be. And you’re all right about everything. I will keep you informed and keep venting when I need to. And if he says yes to Minwalla, I’m going to tell him the next communication I want is the call from Dr. Minwalla after he sees him. Love you all!
I just got caught up here.
Courtney, I’m just ready to slap him.
I mean really, he should be down on his knees thanking you for handing him any hope of any kind of relationship with you.
What the fuck does he have to cry about? He can get help if he wants it! You’ve told him where. boo hoo, how dreadful for him.All he’s crying about is that he’s going to have to stop his penis activities. YOu won’t co-operate anymore by staying with him while he does it. His little fake life is not in his control anymore. THAT’s what he’s crying about.
Really I could just scream.
Courtney, the tears used to suck me back in. They still make me feel like shit. Which is why i cut off contact with him. It is a classic abusive cycle. They treat you like shit, then you reach a breaking point and are ready to walk away, then they are suddenly remorseful and sad and promise the moon. He will never break the cycle. Only you can break it.
By the way, you don’t have to stick to what you said: Minwalla or divorce. You can have both, when you are ready. Bev’s perspective that Minwalla has helped make her h a better father I think is really helpful. This is hard stuff. but the only way out is OUT. Keep moving forward and lean on us.I NEVER said I would not divorce if he did go to Minwalla. I just told him I for sure would if he didn’t!!
And, to be clear, I told him the only phone call I would answer was from Minwalla stating that he was actually there. The clinic called and I hung up and dialed the number back to make sure. You cannot trust them!!
Wow Courtney- you are to be applauded for taking a stand and saying no more. I know this has got to be so difficult for you.
Their tears can really be such a mind fuck. You are smart to keep it in perspective.
I hope this ends the way you want and not the way he wants.
I just love your post Diane. SO TRUE. He is crying because Courtney is not going to stick around anymore while he pursues his penis activities. You made me laugh out loud. 😉
Dear Courtney,
keep in mind, their manipulation never, and I mean NEVER, ends. crying is like manipulation 101. you are doing well. keep posting.
i do believe he is sad. that his secret world is ending. that he is finally having consequences for his bad behavior. this is good, and he should cry. this sounds terrible, but any SA who is crying because their partner is dumping them, well it is just music to my ears. another angel just got her wings.
their tears will never ever be for losses that WE have suffered. never.
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