HI Sisters

Cindy, unlike many of our sisters, I have no wisdom to offer you but just love, hugs, and prayers. If we could only see the future and know what good things are in store! Uncertainty sucks! Lylo

Hi Cindy,
I am in the process of getting a divorce. I have no legal training, but I can tell you one thing for certain . . . . you do not have to sign anything you are not comfortable with!!!!
Especially since you are emotionally struggling, don’t sign! There is no rush. Make sure you are happy with your lawyer, and if you are not, fire them and find someone who is smart and understands domestic law in your state.
Hope this helps

Cindy,

What you are being asked to provide is what they call Discovery. This is information you supply on your assets. 401K’s, home, cars, bank accounts, savings, anything that has value.

If you do not have it you indicate that you do not have that information. If you have not been involved in the financial part then your husband will provide that. Hopefully he discloses all that you have. When you get his discovery, make sure you go over it closely. If you remember something that he has not put down, let your attorney know.

Your attorney should petition the court for a Provisional Order, in that they will ask for support money and other things for you to live on until the divorce is final. Start getting ideas on what your utilities will cost, if you are not working, find out how much health insurance will cost you each month.

See what you divorce laws are in your State, if there is fault divorce or only no-fault divorce. Does your State allow alimony or temporary spousal support. There are a lot of things that you need to be aware of, especially if there is fault divorce in your State.

Hope this helps some.

Hi Cindy,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I also did not want to get divorced, and it was the most confusing thing to have to divorce someone, to save yourself. You have these mixed emotions, is this a nightmare, is this really my life, is this h really such a spinless weasle, were all those years of marriage and dating for nothing…and mostly who the hell is my h really? Its all scarry and now you add upon that the divorce.

So he ended up being the one to file. Well now you have your answer. Tough pill to swallow, but now you know.

What to do now. You are blindsided, but as the sisters said you do not have to sign anything. If you continue to be in a fog, find a friend or relative that can act as an advisor. In the first 30 days you have to file your financial affidavit. This is all the money coming in for you, as well as all of your bills. Be carefull to make sure your attorney checks out your h’s bills, as he may have racked up debt that he is going to try to hold you 50% accountable for.

the next thing you will do is put together temporary orders. Your attorney will take care of this, and most of the financial is based on the financial affidavit you submit. this will be to iron out issues temporarily until the divorce is final. So this is issues such as visication, who pays the bills, the mortgage, the debts, wether any child support or alimony is paid. And according to my attorney this sets up what the final agreement will be for the divorce. But it is important to get temporary orders in place so you know how things will be for the next couple months while the rest of this goes on.

This is now the time to reflect upon your life. I know your world is ending with your h, but there is a new life and new world out there for you. Now you get to create a new you and a new life, and live your life just for you as you like. If i were you i would start dreaming about how your life will change for the good, rather than focus on what you lost or will not have. And really what you are losing is not that much. I tend to get those rose colored glasses on from time to time, but you really need to throw those away. My guess is if you look over the past with a more critical eye, you would not want to stay married to your h.

Our h’s are very similar. So I know how you feel. And i still struggle with the fact aht he is not at all who he said or who i thought he was. It was not real. But now you can start your real life. Sending love your way, Flora

Cindy,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I remember the feelings of horrible shock after d-days 1 and 2, and I know what the feeling would be again if my h served me with divorce papers. I would also feel just as lost about the logistics of it all. I know if the time comes, I will be back on here rereading these posts. Thank goodness for these ladies sharing their wisdom. Hang in there and take care of yourself as much as possible. I’m here to support you every step of the way. In the long run, I have no doubt you’ll be better off with the authentic life you have after SA. Hugs!!!
Love, ZG

Cindy,

Big hug sister… I know you are in such pain and shock. I see by your post that you are dissociating. I go in and out of that unreal state too. Sometimes I have to say “stop it” out loud to myself. Get fixed up and leave the house to shake it. Even if you just walk through the mall or your favorite store. I have even just sat in parking lots. I feel better when I am not here.

If I remember right, you have money. Your husband is a businessman with a new business out of state, right? Because you trusted your husband and the marraige you agreed together that you would stay at home to raise your family. You didn’t know a lot about the finances. You still don’t. But he knows everything!!!!! So he may offer a settlement to you that sounds quite attractive. Don’t bite!!!

When I visited an attorney and told her that I was in your same shoes (minus the wealth), the first thing she told me was that I needed to have our records gone over by a FORENSIC ACCOUNTANT. She gave me the name of a local company that values businesses for sale or divorce. Even though you do not have access to your paperwork, your lawyer can subpoena all that info. You are probably VP of the company and you are certainly half of the value of your joint assets. You have to get ahold of yourself to protect your future. (that is me talking to me as well!) I’m sure he is counting on the fact that you have been distraught and not aware of your financial situation.

This 30 day thing…if your lawyer replies with a motion to open all financial files, that is responding within 30 days. You do not have to agree to anything until you know what you have and can negotiate a fair settlement.

Do some google searching on financial divorce stuff. Have questions to ask your lawyer. Don’t blindly trust her/him, that they know everything they should be doing. They don’t have to live with the settlement, you do.

My girlfriends husband took loans, bought a condo, offered her less. He tried to devalue the business and even just let it run aground after he had taken what he wanted out of it. She went to work there to find out what was going on and sold it herself and got half, which was 1.2 million. she had no idea she was worth that because he made her live like a pauper.

You can have a great life after this hard time is over. I know you can’t imagine that now. Be good to yourself, surround yourself with support. And get in there and fight for what you worked for.

Love, Debora