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over the weekend wayne my partner went to touch me and held my hand. he asked what was wrong did he do something wrong. i looked at his hand and it hit me i said his hands are not mine anymore. he got this look in his eyes are he knew he understood. since i found out that he had been physically unfaithful to me and this relationship i have just shut down to him. i never believed he had ever did more than mind, fantasy stuff and self sex. up until then i always had that part of him, us. i went back and reread some of my nightly writing and i had wrote this
his hands are mine
your touch
your strength
your hug, so safe
his hands are mine
my face
my breast
my body, so free
his hands are mine
no fear
no sorrow
no tears, of pain
his hands are mine
your choice
your addiction
your body, her breast
his hands are no longer mine
the trust
the commitment
all but forgotten
his hands no longer mine
lost
replaced
used,gone
his hands are no longer minebeautiful Katt.
Your words are simple, true, honest—and yet evoke layers of deeper experiences. Thanks for sharing,
D.Katt, that really expresses well the shattered intimacy. It’s so devastating to realize that this sacred part of ‘us’ was not sacred at all. It was so polluted and I feel the same way when I look at his hands.
diane and lylo thank you i just dont see or feel that i will ever be able to accept this. i told him if i was to decide that i want him in my life, that i will never have that again from him he gets to live with knowing that my hands, my body, my mind are his and his alone. i get the addiction thing i really do but he did this after 8 months of pretending recovery until that point i do believe him that since we got together he has never been physically active. this only shows me his choice was made with the knowledge that his addiction existed, and he had the tools to help himself. when he made this choice he knew without a doubt how i felt. he has seriously started the recovery process i do see a change but it does not change his actions nor does it change how i feel. i know me and i will never again feel what i did for him ive told him this.
This may sound strange. I guess I accepted so long ago that he would never be faithful to me (although I just thought he was shady and had a fling now and then) so when I look at him, I guess I realize that he never really WAS mine as his activities go back to even before the marriage. Ugh! What really bugs me, now that I know about his singles sites and
the MANY women he has corrresponded with, chatted,
hooked up, etc. ALL around the freakin country, I hate it
when something say is on the news about a place in small
town USA and I know for a fact, one of his ‘girl’s’ live there.
Before d day, I wouldn’t have known any different. Now, I
can sit there, recall the girl’s name in my mind, and know
what he must be thinking! Ugh!! After all these years of him
living the double life, I realize that I never really knew him at all. I thought we knew the same people, went thru life with the same experiences and memories….. But no, he has all these people and places that I wasn’t a part of and for that matter, knew Nothing about. What a jackass for making me feel so excluded and practically like I’m an intruder in my own marriage. 🙁Katt,
Your words are beautiful, and touched my heart–how bittersweet to realize so many can understand each other’s pain. Your reply to diane and lylo above also rings true to me–my story is somewhat similar. Thank you for sharing, and hang in there. Hugs to you all.Katt, honestly – you really dont know what you can ever feel again. Until you feel it. But you now have your eyes wide open and have wisdom that you didn’t before.
Silver-lining…I would like to know your story. I would love a silver lining. I relate to what you said about shared experiences. I went on a long driving trip with my husband several months after disclosure. That was our thing. Driving to a great destination and enjoying the magic of the trip itself. I cried so hard because in the midst of it I had this horrid realization that the “us” that used to venture out and have experiences all over the world was not an “us” at all. It was a fundamental part of who I am and I have to erase it? One more thing though…. I have demanded all information so that if there is one of those unexpected, jolting reminders, I want to KNOW. Because I truly believe he is sincere about recovery, it might be a painful reminder of his past and I would want to quietly reach over and touch his hand to say “it will be ok” and maybe we can regain that intimacy that we used to drive around with. But my eyes are wide open too.
lylo i use to look forward to being alone with him on our trips. that changed i hate going anyplace with him. we seldom go out together. i realized sometime ago that when driving he would slow down or speed up to scan the car next to us. he would be mid sentence and stop the conversation dead so he could do his thing. my partner is to sincere about recovery yet i can not seem to get past his being with someone else, he made the choice after the 8 months of bs recovery. he knew what he wanted and went for it came home and told me he changed his mind????????
“But no, he has all these people and places that I wasn’t a part of and for that matter, knew Nothing about. What a jackass for making me feel so excluded and practically like I’m an intruder in my own marriage. “
this really rings true for me as well. My therapist mentioned to me, that at some point in the relationship (like the get go for me) an abnormal amount of separation came into play. This allowed the addiction to live simultaneously among us, in some parallel place that was kept seperate from my knowledge. And that I either willingly or non willingly, accepted it and went along with it. She’s right on. For me I was conviced that some indiviual travel can be healthy, I can visit my family or friends without him, we don’t always have to be together,etc. Boy, do I think different now.
That being said, I have family trip coming up this month for one week. My family knows “all”. He is coming to try and make a family effort, and amends with my father. The original plan, he would go to NYC 2 days and then up to Boston with me and family. Why? too expensive for all of us to go to NYC. We both lived there 8 years, have friends etc, and even began dating there. I again initially felt comfortable with- only 2 days its ok for him to go solo. But its not. Too much temptation and places to act out. But it is also very expensive to change his flight to come to Boston at this point. We are discussing. He said the “old him” the “addicted” him is trying to rationalize getting away by himself. But it’s bullshit. It’s his addiction talking. HE admitted that. I am just going to have to put my foot down, and say no, sorry not at this point. It is a mistake. fork up the cash, change your ticket. then shut F up. Your lucky I am even here. He found money for Ho’s , find money to change your bloody ticket. Recovery man. stay in recovery, by force or by fire. that’s where I am at. but believe it or not, this is some progress.Silverlining, your words really resonated with me, too. I still have a hard time for forgiving him for having a life I knew nothing about. Pam, what your therapist told you rang very true with me, too. Thanks ladies, I get stronger every day:)
MarieGod, I love you guys! I wish my full time job could be to stay on this site with my Girls 24/7! Lucky JoAnn! (jk, I know how hard you work!)
Ok, my story will be posted this wknd! Just got my computer fixed today so I have only had my IPhone to use and too
much to type on phone! I WOULD be on the computer now
but SA jumped on it first to Do “taxes”, yeah right! That’s
Ok, dumbass! My key logger is recording every stroke! My Email report should be arriving via IPhone any minute! Lol! I know there is nothing funny about it, but if I can’t laugh About how I outfoxed the FOX, I might break down! More on this later! I have been Creeping around on the two Sites for a few weeks now…(since d day) I have finally decided to speak up! I feel so connected to each of you! Like no other connection I have ever had. It’s Unreal!I picked Silver Lining as my ‘stage name’ lol.. As a symbol of hope! I have no idea whaT in the world the silver lining will be just yet, but I hope and pray that in a few short years, I will be able to answer that question! I hope we all can, whether we stay or go!
Much love to you ALL!!P.S. Pam- your freakin post cracked me up!! Ha! You are my kinda girl!! You all are!! XO!!!!!
Katt,
imhad NOT seen this post as I was not on the forum then. The poem was simply haunting and I see that your feelings are MY feelings? It is EXACTLY as Lexie said. We do NOT want to go.We do NOT want to stay. We WANT what we thought we had and now feel as if all options are poor. I am like you Katt…..and I was like that the FIRST time I found out he was physically unfaithful (and years before I knew the magnitude or how sick he was). For me that day, I felt my world shift. I KNEW THEN……I would never regard or love my husband in the same way again. It was like being murdered on the spot. Karen x
Katt, wow–I did not hear you talk about this to b-trayed, but I was thinking about this poem all weekend. It’s one of the first things I read when I first joined SOS, and it had a huge impact on me. SO glad you bumped it up so I wouldn’t have to search it out. 🙂 Love you much, and I feel so honored to have been able to talk with you and hug you in person.
XOXOXO JulieKatt,
This poem is even better than I remember. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to make to retreat. I would have loved to meet you and everyone in person.
Much Love, NapNAP, I wish I could have met you too. That being said, you really WERE with us. Everyone was with us. I know that sounds like a cliche, but the energy was so hard to describe. Love you much, and looking forward to the next one and more sisters, NAP!! 🙂
xoxo, JulieNAP, I wish I could have met you too. That being said, you really WERE with us. Everyone was with us. I know that sounds like a cliche, but the energy was so hard to describe. Love you much, and looking forward to the next one and more sisters, NAP!! 🙂
xoxo, JulieThanks ZG and Katt,
Right now I’m probably (half way) through a not so friendly divorce. This has aggravated my PTSD big time and had to work all wkend for stuff my lawyer needs to go overWith me today. Also have court Weds my 26 wedding anniv.Katy I know I still owe you that cigar (apple) and when my divorce is totally over signed sealed and I get blubbering drunk and poss have sex with the 27 yo at the car wash that’s been flirting with me, we WILL pick a date okay? I haven’t forgotten you just trying to survive……….
I will be at next years retreat because this rodeo should be over by then. Let’s hope!
Love you guys, Nap
PS he might be 28
Thanks Katt, for sharing your poem with me, us…
You have an amazing mind coupled with amazing words. Sharp, simply spoken, powerful. As I mentioned very early at the retreat…you have GREAT insight.
Your poem is so sad. It speaks to all of us, I suspect. As my husband and some others have not disclosed or perhaps participated in a physical affair, I interchange some of the words to ‘eyes’ instead of ‘hands’. When I look into my husband’s eyes, it is almost like I see the other women’s reflections shining. His eyes enlarge and drink in (as you have stated) THEIR curves, breasts, legs…I thought his eyes were mine, to be captivated by me…my curves, my breasts, my legs, my smile, my desire and loyalty to him. Your poem expresses the devastation I feel…such loss, oh, such loss. Thank you for sharing with us and moving it up for me to see.
You are a wonderful friend, love B. Trayed
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