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Aretmis,
You are in the position of dealing with this not in shackles to financial and child issues. It is so purely about your heart, your ethics, your wholeness that I ache to hear your struggles.
So much SHIT has been unloaded onto you by this man, here you are, one moment in love and now: who has whose keys and why, managing a GPS locator on his phone, sitting with a list of passwords to email/facebook/linkedin, etc., worrying about meetings, sobriety plans. therapists, sponsors… ARGH!!!
You need a buffer to feel safe from your lover.
You are young and beautiful and smart and funny and creative and everything and that’s what he gave you? “We made a set of agreements and one of my agreements is…”, hell yes he went for an agreement – how’s he gonna replace all that, and a woman who is giving him another chance, and is holding herself accountable to him, too? He’s an asshole, but not a stupid asshole.
Can I tell you I did not know how awful I was treated, really, until I was 100% away from my STBXSAH. The nightmares started to be less frequent, instead of part of the day and all night, it went to every other night, two nights of rest and then one. It was amazing. The moments of pure confusion became a part of my day, not my whole day. And suddenly I realized what I was part of, and I would not wish that on my worst enemy.
“Why do i have to even think about shit like what level of details i would want to know??? what is there to negotiate about right and wrong?” Great question, you don’t have to. You may chose to, but that’s not a necessity at all.
“I want to give up. i do not want this life. i want to break my agreement.” I don’t see that as giving up. There is nothing to fight for. He CHOOSE to live like that. You can choose not to.
“I think i am most afraid that the truth will be awful but somehow not awful enough. does that even make sense?”
It makes sense, if it’s horrible you have no more choices to make, the choice is made for you. But that has to be balanced with if it’s really really awful, you are not going to be able to take it away from your psyche, ever. And they can be so much more awful than we can imagine. At least mine was so far past my imagination, well I’ve told the story over and over.“I don’t even know what i feel for this man anymore. i’m not sure i can remember what real trusting love feels like. i hate that.”
“I am not sure why i’m even getting a disclosure when i feel so ambivalent about the relationship.”
“I never wanted to live this way, and i *still* don’t trust him.”
“This is not the way i want to live!!! i don’t know if i can do this under the best of circumstances.”
“It is driving me fucking crazy that he sees that coworker every day.”
“… this disclosure worksheet and what it implies is just freaking me out.”
“Am i supposed to be clear about what my dealbreakers would be if they are disclosed? – for this, I say “NO”. Then he may not disclose. The simple fact. Mine did three disclosures, and the “facts” exponentially grew each time, but he still didn’t disclose the torture porn. That was thrown on me by sheer “luck”. As awful as it was, over time it has become such a concrete thing for me. The fact is, though, he lied that it existed through three disclosures and a polygraph.
We are not safe with these men. The “recovery” rate is dismal. The escalation is almost unavoidable. Even in treatment, it’s a lifelong battle of all these things you listed as awful.
Just let it go. It will hurt like hell. But at least it will hurt and then be over. And not be your life story. It will just be a chapter.
My two cents.
I relate so much with what you are going through. Those days when I get a reality check.I too am like wtf?! how did this happen to me? I can’t deal with this BS anymore. Actually, this happened this past weekend…But I’m going to tell you in hinsight that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Whenever you feel like giving up in the process of reconciliation and forgiveness, try to remember why you are doing it. Are you still in love with this person? Are there still much more positives to this man and what he brings to your life? Try to replace the bad memories with good ones that you two have had. IF you do not belive that your SA is working towards a better life for both of you and you do not love him anymore, then you have to get the courage to make the decision to leave when you are ready.
Specifically with regard to the disclosure that you are about to get. Just go into the meeting open minded in that you have no expectations of what is going to be said. i do not envy your position, other than what my husband has admitted to-being addicted to porn and masterbation, i do not want the further details. HOwever, you are lucky in that after all of this information is disclosed..you can make a informative decision about your life and where you want to go. A word of advice…once you do hear the disclosure, do not make a decision about your future right away. Have some time for yourself to be angry..bitter etc. Then when you are ready contact him….
I’m right there with you. Feeling just as you are. But there is hope. Pray to god and ask him to show you the way through this.
“Try to replace the bad memories with good ones that you two have had.” If only it were that easy. At least for me, ALL of the good memories are tainted. How can I believe any of the good times were real, when there was so much shit going on behind the scenes. It all just becomes ONE BIG FUCKING LIE. Sorry, Hope, I wish I could see it like you do. It would make things easier.
Disclosure taught me that I actually could trust my gut (and should have). That is the greatest gift since D-Day for me.
Lynn, I like the comment that this can become a chapter in your life and not the whole story. Something to think about.
Barbra – that is part of what i’m hoping for. some sense of relief or clarity that the times he told me i was crazy i actually wasn’t. so far with what i know i have been right about most things i suspected, but there was still stuff that surprised me… things that had never occurred to me…i want to believe in something. not necessarily him/us. i’d rather believe in me. thanks to all of you for your thoughtful responses.
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