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I know I previously posted about My H and him not telling his mother the truth. Well, he did today…
Okay, he told her ( spent 2 hours with her). She told him his father had done the same shit. I knew his dad was an alcoholic, piece of shit SOB. I did not know he may have been an SA. She actually told him that he has a half brother/sister out there somewhere because dear old dad got someone pregnant ( back in the day so no abortions).
Dear God, does this stuff just go on and on? Is my son just automatically going to be a perv?
Somebody talk me off the ledge……restore sanity….something?
I know I sound loony and I feel loony. There is something Karen’s brother in law says… what a sit show or shit storm or something like that?
It hurts me all over again to think about his mother’s hurt. I even hurt for asshole H for having to tell his mother this stuff. I guess it just hurts……
He was telling me exactly what he told her and as he said the words …”girls, hookers ETC…” I felt like I had been physically hit. I had to stop him and leave the room. …
I am dumping it all here so I can regain some semblance of sanity and deal with my kids later.
I really do not know how these guys don’t commit suicide. I could not live with the pain I caused so many and still have any will to live….
Oh Bev… The pain just keeps going on and on. I am so sorry for you, your Mother in Law and even your H. So much sorrow. I do believe, however, that as painful as this was for all of you, ultimately it will help you all to heal. It’s the secrets that are so poisonous. I’m not at all worried about your son. He is being raised by YOU and you are raising him with strength and honesty and integrity. He will not continue this cycle.
Sending you much, much love,
DaisyThank you Daisy…I feel like the worst mother on planet earth right now….
That helped. I know I raised him right. I know he listens to me. I know he is MY son.
I agree with Daisy , I dont think this is not a genetic disorder that can be passed down the generation but rather results of loss of moral values which is a personal choice
Daisy is a very smart woman, Bev, this cycle stops with your h. Sorry for your pain, but so glad the secrets are going away.
I hope you all are right. I didn’t actually think he would do it ( tell her the truth).
I did not think he was capable of that. He fooled me there….again.
Bev, like Daisy said, there is no need to worry about your son. At all. I’m more worried about the trauma that got re-ignited for you when he said the ‘etc.’ thing. I’m feeling it vicariously for you right now, because I am so damn familiar with that punch-in-the-gut moment. I hate what these guys do to us. I hate that you’re going through that right now. Be extra-gentle on yourself today, and put any worries about this kind of thing being passed down to your son right out of your head. Big hugs xoxo
BEV, I don’t know the answer to that question…whether it goes on and on through the generations. Here is my experience.When I finally told my parents, I wondered why my father didn’t react as strongly as I thought he might have? I was always his favourite and the apple of his eye. A couple of years ago- before my Dad died-he went to see a priest and did a confession. Turns out he had been molested by a family friend, when he was young and it impacted him sexually after that. I knew none of this and my mother knew little, but one night he was drinking and he told me he became obsessed with sex after he was molested. I think there were many people and situations for him throughout their marriage. I didn’t want to know, but he did say he hoped he would never have to tell anyone except that priest what he had done sexually. He died not long after that conversation and I have wondered since if I was groomed in some way to attract or ignore some signals that led me to my H. I think my father had a secret life and I think it involved sex. He was not as emotionally unavailable as some of these guys are, but he had his issues. The thing is…I REALLY didn’t know. It makes me wonder if children absorb certain things on an unconscious level. I wonder if I did? IDK. You don’t get the answers to those kinds of questions sometimes in families. I only know I asked myself over and over, how I could have ended up with someone who has sexual issues….it didn’t make any sense to me? Then, with my father’s revelations, it suddenly did. I don’t know how I picked up anything about it…it certainly was NOT conscious. But here I am…married to a man who had a secret, sexual life…just like my Dad. I’ll leave it to you to work out what that means because I don’t know myself. I just know that there may be something, to this passing these things on to the next generation….even when they are hidden…even when kids don’t know anything. I didn’t know anything….but it seems I knew enough to choose someone just like my Dad?
I’m sorry, Bev. I have only sons. God knows what that means for them. Karen xxI do believe in generational sin. Meaning exposing the children to the bad behavior, have porn in the house, being an example of very bad choices. Not something literally in their genes/dna. Although I do believe in the brain chemicals idea of addiction. After catching my husband I asked him to tell his parents (thinking they would be of help to me…NO..they were sympathetic to him and called me heartless…another story for another time) Anyway…when my husband called his parents, the generational sin all came out.
We can trace this addiction back to his great grandfather all the males love their prostitutes and come to find out both my mother-in-law and my father-in-law have cheated, both my sister-in-law and my brother-in-law, and my niece (who worked as a whore for awhile) and my nephew….How totally sad.
I am the only one who has had only one sexual partner in my life..which brings up feelings of being a big looser!! Like I am the pathetic one.
We have two boys and it is my hope that by being open and honest with them, putting the words out there for the universe and all to hear that they may be saved and not go down the same destructive paths.Carriellen, I am another one who has only had one partner. There are several of us here in the ‘hood. To me, one of the most pitiful things about this whole pitiful situation is that I no longer think of that fact with pride but with regret. I wish like hell that I had had other partners so maybe I wouldn’t be so absolutely terrified of sexual intimacy the way I am now.
Karen, my parents had a wonderful, healthy marriage. My grandparents had the same. And yet, here I am. Fooled, bamboozled utterly just like everyone else. I honestly don’t think your Dad’s situation had any impact on you marrying a SA. Just some sort of cosmic injustice? I don’t have the answers but I do know I can’t blame anything on the marriages I saw growing up because they were wonderful examples of what marriage should be and they were what I thought I was getting too.
Gosh Bev what a shock it must have been to find out about your father in law. At least your MIL will understand.
Honestly, it makes you wonder about the statistics on this. Are we looking at genetics as an explanation but maybe it is just more prevalent that we think. Maybe Courtney’s observations are correct. The SA’s are everywhere.
Bev do not worry about your son. Your parenting is chalk and cheese compared to what your husband experienced. Thank God your husband has had the opportunity to deal with his issues unlike his father who was probably rotten to his core to the end of his days.Daisy – Thank you so very much for being like me in this aspect of only having one partner.
I have had a very hard time with this fact. My husband was 17 and I was 16 when we got together and we were each other’s firsts. I was so proud of that fact, I was so grounded in the security of that fact, no comparisons, we were on the same island.
Now he left me alone on this island, he took off leaving me like a stupid dog running along happy as could be not knowing any better.
It’s a purity I will never ever have again.
He is now 9 islands away from me, we are trying to build a bridge back but we will never be on the same island again. I break down crying writing this..its so hurtful, their selfishness to so so wrong.
As much as I may fantasize about sleeping with some hunk ..LOL..I can not lower myself to be on the same page as some cheater, I just can’t do it, which further fuels my question as to how did he actually do it, how do you touch a stranger, actually put your penis into a stranger and orgasm..I do not get it..and this is something my husband has said he hope I can never understand, because if I do understand it..something is terribly wrong .It was a shock. I knew he wasn’t any good. I did not know that he F’d around and that my MIL knew….And he was an asshole til his dying breath.
Annie, you are right. It is that “gut punch” all over again. I talked with my H for a little. He sat and listened and when I demanded ( angry/hurting Bev) that he say something, he went to the using ‘anger and resentment’ to excuse his behaviors. It sort of clicked ( again) in that moment. He didn’t use anger and resentment. He used his wife and children. He had to have someone to blame and we were it.
Karen, I get what you are saying about the absorption thing. I don’t know that answer either. I know that my father and/or my brother would kill my H if I asked them to and they will forgive him if I ask them to. I think all men have some understanding of lust, infidelity, sexual things that don’t really ‘mean’ anything to them. I don’t mean that they all have done these things but they get it ( not condone it but grasp the concept).
No marriage or family or parent is perfect. There is a story that is unique to each and every one.
I cannot bear to think that my daughter is faced with these choices and I cannot think of my son as a monster.
The difference that I can see is that they have a mother that loves them, cares for them, listens to them, and will be there for them. They love their father but if they really needed someone, they would come to me. I can only hope that will be good enough. …
Now, I am really sort of blown away by the fact that there is some half sibling of my H’s out there somewhere and no one in that family ever tried to even find if they were dead or alive…..
Wow, just wow. It just defies all understanding.
I’m sorry Carrie and Daisy…I did have sex before my H. Not many times but a couple. I will tell you that I thought that sex with my H was special and it was great between us. I have not had sex with anyone else in 24 years…..
I don’t know how to even begin to think about that.
And here I go circling back to the anger thing again. I wish I could just get totally pissed off and tell him “fuck you and all the ho’s you rode in, I’m outta here.” I really wish I could. Instead, in my head and my heart I’m still stuck asking “why?” Why him, why me, how could he do this, how can he say he loves me and do this to me? All those questions I know are unanswerable and yet I keep asking – not him. I don’t ask him but that is the mix tape I always have going in my head. I feel like I will still be asking myself those questions on my death bed.
Bev, your H’s family is so fucked up it’s hard to know what to say. I can certainly understand why your MIL never searched out her H’s “extra” offspring, but if I were your H, I would want to find him/her. But then, here we are looking at life’s ugly side head on while our SAs? Not so much.
I’m going in the kitchen right now and make myself a red panties or four. 🙁
Bev – your email hit home with me tonight – and not really because of quite the same issue but because mother’s day is coming up and H’s birthday is the day before and my son suggested we go down to see him together to celebrate both. We have never done that even when we were together – they were always separate celebrations. I know my son is busy with medical school and coming up to us is much more complicated – but I was so pissed that I had agreed to do it knowing that is not what I want to do – I am brining it up here because i know my son is an incredible young man but he still feels enormous emotions toward his father, is responsive to his recovery, and has lots of mixed emotions about what it means to be part of this family. How the fuck can they sort it out when we can’t? Your MIL did not have the benefit of the kind of support and recognition of the problem that we are starting to have now – and we are a long way off – I wanted to punch H in the face tonight and honestly he was being very reasonable and accommodating because he jsut wants to see his son under any circumstances but I don’t think it makes sense to be driving to see my son to celebrate mother’s day – I am happy with a phone call – he is a busy kid and he is still pulled by guilt – I see it in so many things and I worry for what that means for both of my sons. I too only had 2 sexual partners before marriage and the idea of having another one does nothing for me – especially tonight. Bev I do feel that your willingness to talk about this, to confront it as you have, to insist your H go to Minwalla – all of this has contributed to his ability to tell his mother the truth – this is the beginning of the end and you will continue to demand that – in the end people make their own choices – when we know better we can do better – how the hell could any of us have known??? Meg
bev,
that is heartbreaking. so awful. and it is devastating to wonder how this will affect our children.
IMO, i think the truth sets our kids free, just like it can set us free. age appropriate truth. my son knows what he needs to know at 10.
when he is older, i will figure out what to tell him, when the time comes.
i’m struggling a bit with this right now, because i’m wondering what to tell my son when we tell him about the divorce.
DW wants to tell him that ‘it just didn’t work out’ yada yada.
i want to tell him instead, ‘sometimes the hurt between two people is just too big to fix’but i believe if we are honest with our children, we lessen the shame. we teach them to tell the truth, we show them the truth.
again, age appropriate honesty.
DW never found out that his dad had an affair. his crazy MIL told me. i haven’t told him yet, because i promised not too.
my grandfather and two of my uncles was/are sex addicts. my dad has a weird sense of sexuality at best. i don’t think he is a sex addict, but he could be bordeline. i’m sure that i learned inappropriate sexual message from him. that weird fucked up crazy way that sex addicts act when they were turned on? i think i learned that that is courting.
and i think i might miss healthy signals from healthy men. i really want to think deeply about that.
our parents are our models. i just hope and pray that i will be able to save my son through my example.
and one of my most important messages to him, IMO, is that you don’t stay married to someone who treats you that way. IMO, this is one thing, in the case of me and DW, that will give him a chance.
i don’t want to knock women who stay. not at all. but if i stay with DW/SA i’m telling my son through my actions that you can get away with that behaviour. that it is ok.
and i want him to know that it is. not. o. k.
i hope that will help my son. i hope i can model healthy sexuality to him, by leaving the sex addict. and maybe one day having a healthy partner.
Yes Lisa – staying has tremendous ramifications and leaving the same – every family is its own unique story – I didn’t see sexual abuse from the men in my family I saw nothing from my father – he was a drunk and unavailable – my mother raised 7 children alone – but at least 3 of us including me were abuse by outsiders and my mother was terribly abused repeatedly as a little girl – she was half black – raised in a workhouse until 9 and then taken in by some family to be a domestic in 1920’s England – what the hell did she know about standing up for herself – there are many roads to where we have ended up – and there are many roads out – we are all brave enough to consider them- that’s a fucking start in my book – Meg
I chose my husband because he wasn’t sexually aggressive – not with me – that’s why I think his behavior is much more about his sexual identity then being an SA – doesn’t condone it in any way but I don’t think he is a sociopath – selfish and immature, and a big fat liar for most of his life and raised by a mother who is emotionally incestuous and a complete narc – I went through a period where every diagnosis in the DSM started to look like something I fit so I have stopped looking at it lol (even for my job)
My kids do not have a clue that I have been “victimized”. I would have to tell them point blank..” Your father fucked around big time…”
They see me as the strong one. They see me run the house. They see me as the go-to person. They know what I say goes….
Meg, I read the DSM too and I found all kinds of crap that would pretty much fit everyone I know. I do understand your anger for seeing your son and your H at the same time for whatever occasion. That is the ONLY reason my H came clean with his mother ( my refusal to participate in any more lies with adults). I still did not think he would really do it. I guess he gets some credit there? IDK…
Daisy, I want you to find your anger. Not so that you tell your H to get out or fuck off or whatever. I just want you to be angry for Daisy. I know your ‘legal’ mind asks why. I do that too. I understand the ‘why?’ but it does not exclude the anger. You can do both……Just be angry that Daisy is in this mess. I hope I am making some sense. You know I love you and if you forgive him then I forgive him too. If you find out why then that’s good enough for me. I am still angry that your H put you here.
I cannot for the life of me figure out why my H isn’t more concerned that he has a half sibling out there somewhere. If I found out that type of info then I would be all over it. In fairness, I did not give him much of a chance to elaborate on his feelings about the whole thing…
Bev maybe your husband is trying to concentrate on keeping his family together. Finding his half sibling is just adding to the shit he has to deal with.
Holy Shit is right. Bev, the shocks never end. Just when you think you’ve heard it all BOOM. It’s an abyss. My xh father and grandfather were both SA or whatever we want to call them. In fact Im not certain but I think they took him to have his first sexual experience with a hooker. Must have blown his hormone riden mind because he hasn’t been able to stop ever since. His sex life is one hooker or skank after the other. He’s in total denial, like it never even happened we just got divorced because ??????
I do think we need to be careful because the same sex parent is the strongest role model. Often kids know more than you think. I’m not saying your son will be a perv however with your h honesty and taking responsibility that is much healthier modeling than how he used to be.
I’m sorry about this shock Bev. It’s very sad and unfair. All we did was love our h and kids and then our world gets changed in a really big way, thinking of you sister.
Love, Nap
Bev, you are making perfect sense (even after two red panties 🙂 ). And I’m glad you can be mad for me until I get there myself. It’s really not so much about forgiveness, it’s just that I’m stuck in “hurt.”
Bev, with the half-sibling thing.. My first husband (my son’s dad) remarried and they have a son, so my son..who’s estranged from his dad.. has a half-brother he’s never met. But I think he feels so removed from his dad..and dad’s whacked-out wife.. that he doesn’t really think much about it, as far as I know. Maybe it’s a similar thing with your h? xoxo
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