Holy Shit

So sorry, Bev. For you, your kids and your MIL. The new half sibling is a whopper.

I have to leave for work but I want to talk about generational stuff. Once I got to midage or so, I was able to see the baton passing in many families on many fronts.

Do a google on genograms. We did some of that work in my therapy.

We are good mothers and I believe that is a balancing and a covering for our kids.

Love to you, Debora

ps. Even though that talk was probably very hard for your MIL, now she knows and maybe you can both find some family comfort in one another and some restoration of family. Might be good for your kids too.

Bev,

One day I will write a book and share my entire story. Bits and pieces come out through the posts and they are pretty heavy. My life is one big repetition compulsion – but each time things repeat they are a little different; I learn something new. Nothing is ever set in stone. Having a son and daughter myself, I look at their beautiful faces each day and wonder what the future may bring. I look at my husbands past, my past, my family of origin (thanks for teaching me the FOO word) and my SAH’s and cant for a minute ever dwell too long in the “what if” space….because I know it will be different. Bev, you are such an inspiration to all, and to your children. Follow your path……you will all be okay…

Dearest Beverly Dawn, my favorite Southern Goddess.

I am so sorry for that gut punch. I had them too with Larry (who?)’s foo shit.

First and foremost, your son and your daughter have YOU, and that very factor will quell and outweigh any genetic or environmental crap your husband may have contributed.

Second, eventually this knowledge will be an important piece of the puzzle when you are looking back on all of this. It will help you to understand, to acknowledge, to assimilate and to finally reconcile this chaos that you are going through. It will be a part of your strength that will help you and your children heal.

These raw discoveries will eventually make it all more clear and will allow you to find peace with it all.

I am right there with you now Bev. I know the disbelief that you feel that these types of families even exist.

I grew up in an Ozzie and Harriet family and it still shocks me when I think about Larry (who?)’s dysfunctional family.

Fortunately I did not have children with him…yet he still managed to hurt my grown children by hurting me and exposing them to a dark world that they never should have even known about.

Your children will be fine Bev, you are the strength and the emotional support of their precious souls and your influence determines who they will become.

I love you Bev, I wish I could reach out and hug you, but you will just have to accept all this good energy I am sending your way. ~ JoAnn

🙂

Hmmm, these days I’ve been knitting like there’s no tomorrow. Wonder what my subconscious mind is trying to tell me.

Okay, ‘Strange Brew’ just came out of nowhere in my comment above. But, then that song started going round and round in my head.

Does anyone remember that Eric Clapton was part of Cream…they did ‘Strange Brew’?

Just an old hippie sitting here remembering odd and inconsequential shit.

I need a joint!

http://youtu.be/a3cELfFjXvY

There is no excuse for that hair!

Bev,

I’ve been gone a while. I can’t read it all, but I am probably repeating the sister’s here.

So sorry his list hit you so hard, you didn’t need that along with everything else at that moment. You have been so strong and that’s just hard to hear about. I’m sure you’re over it now, but hugs.

Is it generational? I think only if the patterns of dysfunction are repeated, and the family learns to do the dance around the addict to keep some semblance of a normal life going.

You’re not dancing, Bev. You put a halt to that. Nobody expects the SA to be a part of the function of life, anymore. Even if the children don’t know, it’s the life they live. They will not have the pattern, because you stood up and said NO!!! That’s my take.

You done good, mom!

I am so glad that this topic was brought up. Bev, first off, I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Secondly, this is a topic that has been rolling around in my head for a while now. My SA’s dad is undoubtably an SA, probably with a long list of other things if any of the tales of his upbringing are true. I can’t let my kids use the computer at my In-laws for all the “teen cheerleader” porn that pops up. Yeah, it’s skeevy. He’s so old he can’t figure out the computer enough to clean up his history, but he can sure find the porn! His father (my H’s grandfather) was thrown out of the house for being an alcoholic when my FIL was a teen. He went on to other women and has other children no one in this family is really allowed to talk about. I have no idea how far back the addictions go, but from how messed up each generation seems, I would guess far. On my MIL side, her father died when she was little. But, it turned out OK because the step-father was a real hero of a guy who everyone idolizes even though he ‘made a pass’ at The MIL when she was 12. Her mother ‘straightened him out’, and now they all tell the story like it’s a big joke. My FIL molested my H one night “oh but he was drunk and probably asleep’. My H molested his little brother up until they were in college/High School. BIL’s wife took off with the kids and moved to another state without telling him – so I’m going to assume the disfunction got passed down there, too. NO ONE in this family has EVER had therapy of any kind. Yeah, I never EVER leave my kids alone with ANY of them. Mostly, I am worried about my kids. Not that anything has been done to them, I am as certain as I can be it has not. But this whole “heredity” thing you all are discussing here, absolutely haunts me. I have a 15 yr old boy. I have caught him over the last 4 years looking at porn 3 times. His first time, he was shown it by an older child, so I don’t count that so much as being “owned by him”. But the two times after that he sought it out on his own. I know you know how much this stresses me out. He does not know about his father’s “other life”. He does know his dad cheated on me “once”. he has not – to our knowledge – ever gotten into his dad’s online “activities”. I look at him – who in every other way is a fine, respectable, responsible young man – and his two innocent little brothers, and I can’t help but think “are they all just doomed by their genes?” I have tried so hard to raise them up with good vales and clear morals, is it going to be for nothing? Ugh! I want to just cut them off form their dad and that whole side of the family, but how in the world would I explain that, even if I could?