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Hi dear sisters!!
I’m back with a question! It’s been so long…divorce is a full time job. From a SA, it’s time and a half. Ugh. Everything I’ve been warned about in terms of his douchiness is coming to life. I never would have believed it if I hadn’t been on SOS the past couple of years.
The background: I’ve been so frozen on doing the home inventory. Silver Lining has literally been trying to kick my ass into gear. Part of it is emotional, and part of it is that it just seems overwhelming with the other day to day tasks of life, full time work, etc etc. The attorneys have been encouraging us to handle the dividing of household goods without wasting attorney money. I get that. On the other hand, my STBXH is an untrustworthy cocksucker.
So here’s my question. How did those of you who have been through divorce (or are currently there), handle the dreaded exchange of household furniture, items, etc? Did you do a detailed inventory? Exchange lists? Handle it with or without attorney input? Any and all information would be soooooo appreciated!!!
Love you all!!!
ZGHi Julie,
I don’t know anything about actually doing a home inventory but I am guessing that whatever you ask for then he will become inexplicably attached to it…..I would ask him for his list first maybe? Or maybe you could make your list and put things on it that you know he will fight about and you would be willing to “negotiate”. Just leave yourself plenty of wiggle room.
I am hoping there are some small things that are meaningful to you that you can sneak out of the house without him knowing. In the end, he can have the damn TV 🙂
Good luck and keep us posted.
Hi ZG,
We made 3 lists:
The list of what I wanted ( jewelry, antiques, China, ect)The list of that he wanted (tools, ect)
Then the list that was included on both then we negotiated or turn it up on the balance sheet. For example, as a wedding gift, from his grandmother we received an antique sterling silver flatware set (reed and Barton) neither of us wanted it. I thought it should be passed down to our girls form him since it was he his side of the family. It’s cash value was approx $8000.00. So it was put on his side of the balance sheet which gave me $8000 for me. Anything of value get on his side of the balance sheet like a gun or coin collection because to be even the balance sheets have to be equal so your get the cash value to balance it out. This works great for valuable things you don’t want. We each kept our own jewelry and didnt negotiate that.
Hope this helps ZG!!! Good to hear from you and divorce is no fun however you can’t put a price on freedom!
Love, Nap
Hi Julie,
I don’t know how its done BUT you may bet anything you want, he will try to not let you have it? I would have a good long think about what I really wanted, and how much grief I was prepared to endure to get it. It is all a power struggle with them. Indifference negates power plays. I like Bev’s idea. Make him give you a list first, then you have some idea what he wants. If he puts things on the list that you know he doesn’t care about…then depending on the number…it gives you some idea how much of a prick he is going to be. If it appears he is not going to cooperate at all- let an attorney handle it. We accumulate a lot of stuff…most of it we can live happily without. The goal is to get away from him to remove yourself from his tyranny. Keep the goal in mind, without letting him bully you.
Hugs, karen xJulie,
We haven’t actually gotten through this yet. I did do a detailed inventory where I went room by room and wrote everything down. It was very not fun. That was about a year ago, so I will have to revise. I am anticipating nightmare demands, especially over anything kid-related bc he knows that is where he can hurt me. Let us know what you learn. Hope it doesn’t turn into a War of the Roses.I rented a storage place. I am moving some of the things that are important to me into the unit until I am emotionally and physically prepared to say I am not coming home tonight. These are things that he doesn’t even know exist. So they have no value to him. He can have everything else that is replaceable. I don’t care about most of the “things”
I am the same way, SOT. I wonder what happens to the things neither person wants bc they don’t want the value to count against them. I also wonder what happens with the kids’ stuff. My daughter is 22, so if I keep her things for her, will that count against me? What about my son’s, who is 14?
In my first divorce, I offered several things to be generous. The master bedroom suite and the pc he purchased while we were engaged so I only felt it was fair he take those. Because I had primary custody of the girls I kept all of their furniture, the living room suite, china hutch and kitchen table and most appliances. I kept the fridge and washer/dryer and offered him the big upright freezer in the garage which he declined because he was pouting then later he returned to ask if he could still have it. Of course I told him.
Pretty much the stuff he liked or bought he took and the rest I kept. I got good wedding gifts from my folks like $1000 cash, a nice big crockpot and a big Dutch oven, which he wanted the Dutch oven. I said no because my parents bought it. His mom gave us some stupid little pig figurine (I know right????) as a wedding gift (she thought it was cute she said, whatever) so I made sure he got that back (hee-hee).
I’d suggest just writing out what you want, tell him to do the same and see where that goes….
Hide what you really want, unless it suddenly “breaks”…..oops, did I say that???
I definitely told her to start stashing the special things. You can bet your ass he is Already doing it. I also presented my list at the time of mediation, along with the rest of my proposal…. The mediator wrapped up the session by saying, now… If you’ll just sign at the dotted line. Believe it or not, he DID!
Good riddance!!!!Our property division went pretty easily. We didn’t assign dollar values to everything, just divided things based on who used them. The cars were the big financial items, and the lawyers added those to the equalization. I’m not sure if he got more or if I did, dollar value wise. We just did it informally, without numbers attached, and it worked out that we both got essentially what we wanted. Maybe start there. Once money is attached, it gets very ugly.
Thanks so much ladies!! Sorry for asking the question and then disappearing. I was out of town for a much needed family reunion.
Juniemoon, we are both in the house right now. Ultimately, he wants the house, so he is going to buy me out of my half. I’m in the process of looking for an apartment to share with our daughter. I’ll miss the house, but truth be told, it’s become a place of bad memories. He has to buy out my half, so I’ll take the money.
These suggestions are great, sisters and a huge help! Sadly, there is already too much “War of the Roses” ugliness.But it’s hard not to fight back when you’ve been pushed around for years, and you are ready to fight back.
I will keep you all posted!! xoxoKeep fighting Zumbagirl!!!! Don’t let that cigar smoking woose intimidate you ever again!!!
Love, NapI am pretty sure you could add some bleach or wayyyyy too much chlorine to the infamous hot tub 🙂
omg…cracking up here!!! When I come back on SOS it really hits me how much you ladies know my douche fuck SA. I don’t have to explain a thing. When I was with my family this weekend, it was so apparent how NOT SHOCKED they were by the divorce. And here’s the kicker: they didn’t even know of SA activities yet (which I finally got into!!!!). They “just” saw him as a douchebag controlling narcissistic mother fucker. And as we so often do, I saw the world through HIS eyes, and isolated myself a bit from family over the years. In some ways, I’m starting to see finding the SA shit as a gift. Otherwise, I was so used to my marriage. I might have stayed; at least much longer!
And Dum Dum…yup, Silver Lining rules!!!I used to want to drown that MF every time you told me he was out there with buddies on Friday night while you cleaned up. Watching fantasy football…or was it lingerie football??? Anyway…I hate him…the selfish pig. SO GLAD you are finding your lovely self in all of this Julie.
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