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I think for me going forward with my H will be two fold …firstly I don’t want a compromise so I will always require him to be 100% sober and committed to me and our family or it’s over. No relaps, no excuses! Secondly, and the bigger challenge presuming he dose the first part, is I will need to find a new kind of happiness and love with him. All he has to do is stop fucking people and looking at porn, those are physical acts which I believe he has complete control over. I’m not saying that he/we don’t have urges, impulses and thoughts that compel us but acting on them is what I believe seperates us from animals or at mimimum seperates us from being deserving good people. In that comedy..the acapella movie, Pitch Perfect, Fat Amy said to a guy who told her he had an urge to kiss her, “I sometime have the urge to do crack but then I think better” I have had urges my whole life to do thing that are self gratifying and impulsive but I thought better. I am on antidepressants after d-day becasue I has an urge injure my H, I though better and went to the doctor, I have to go against all my instincts, moral standards and pick up the pieces of my broken heart and life and put in back together into something that resembles happiness, He’s got the easy part and I tell him that every day.
i am awe of all of your strengths. the support groups, i, we went to, were quite disturbing… kinda cultlike in a way even. i am Christian i have a strong faith, im not saying 12 steps arent a very priductive tool and outlet, but the women, just seemed so… i dunno the word, like, this is my life, this is how things are for me… i couldnt stand the “where do i need to improve myself” bullshit, THIS IS ME! im not changing, i even LIKE my flaws! when my ex and i got together, i layed my cars out on the table… i have this issue, that issue, but im strongminded, and fantastic LOL, i couldnt stand that i had to learn how to “approach” topics in a manner different than that of, im F**KING PIST OFF! ya know? i mean dont get me wrong, i have quite a long fuse, and im not saying being a raging lunatic is productive, but if i see a serious ass kicking is necessary, its gonna happen… none of this, “oh, how could i have approached or handled that differently..” crap. ya piss me iff ya piss me off!! again, it takes a lot to do that too, so…
now, as for the topic, hope, sorry i went off before… hope is something i do not want to lose to bitterness… i want love in my life, i want to give it again… i dont see it happening, because, really the poor next guy, lol… pic it “yeah, i’ll commit to you, i wont believe a single word you say, because my ex was a brilliant evil sociopath, but yeah! lets see if we could have a future together!” right, im so fu**ed 🙁
anyway, statistics, i dont know much, about, but i too believe they have control over this behavior. what red blooded american man isnt “addicted” to tna etc.?? its maturity!! thats in question.. theres temptation e v e r y w h e r e you either give into it or dont, come on! grow up! OR! lead that life and dont bring someine else into it! its so simple, disgustingly so. unless theres an underlying chikdhood trauma, like molestation or something, a grown man, can CHOOSE to go ahead and be scum to their loving partner or not. i mean really… ive heard about how they have such self hatred fir themselves too, please, theyre narcissistic and selfish… wanting the wifey at home and trash on the side.. the end.
i so contradict myself, in my own head though, thats hiw damaged i am over this, part of mtpy brain, the damaged part and my bromen heart, gets so mixed up with… “but but he’s troubled..” ugh
rita ~ determined to remain hopeful
My husband was molested as a child for 2 or more years by a gross older man . This was something he told no one and confesison to me after dday. I was and am so sad for him and horrified that this happened to him…but we have been married for 17 years and he though it better to act out sexually when I was sick and couldn’t pleasure him and then continue for 2 more years because he felt I didn’t love him anymore, maybe thats becuse he was never home and out on the prowl, he betrayed me, I loved him, I kept trying to reconnect and figure out what was happening, he had many opportunities to get help, make it right with me so sorry I expected more .So yes I am empathetic and may stay with him, but that is still undetermined. It maybe more than I can do wihout compromising my own happiness and I’m not prepared to do that anymore. So my uncertanties should be our only issue in going forward, he knows better now and when you know better you do better so there is no second chances and no excuses ever again. my rose colored glasses have been knocked off my face I have clear sxpectaion and if he does this again in the mean time I am prepared.
He knew better when he was doing it. I have noticed that none of these guys were adding “fucked around on my sick wife” to their resumes and talked about it with their church groups or family members….
They knew it was wrong. They hid it. They knew they needed help ( in the case of dealing with molestation as a child) and they never tried to get help. It was easier to blame their wife than it was to seek help. That’s just cowardice. They all knew and know right from wrong….
Amen! And the fact they did it to us behind our backs shows their level of selfishness, disregard for our health and well being, a real spit in the face to their wives and marriage. This wasn’t a one, two, or three time occurrence. No, this shit goes on for YEARS in most cases. They are truly married to their penis and we are left really really low on the totem pole. As women, we have to say ‘fuck that’ I don’t want to be on the bottom of anyones totem pole. If I am, it’s a relationship not worth having, it’s totally one sided (ours), and it’s not a marriage. It’s a BIG disappointment IMO.
this site is so amazing… Forget the hope of reconciliation, and the promise of a successful marriage/relationship w these men. You all have given me the certain hope that i will move on from this and wont want his comforts anymore.. blah i hope this mindset sticks!
I wish we could all get together.. my gfs and family still see the pain in my eyes but so cannot relate, i rem when my ex and went on a couples retreat sanon and for the first time i didnt feel like i was white knuckling being social, they all were more or less in the same situation, i felt relaxed able to breath.
This support from this site already ive felt myself exhale a few times.. hope is there despite such feeling if despair.
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