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I separated from my SA last February and was divorced in May. I found this site a few weeks ago when I was feeling really sad. It is good to have a place to vent the grief because friends who haven’t been through it don’t really understand why it takes a long time to get over. It helps me to know others feel the same pain.
However, it occurred to me today that I should share with you, my new friends, that the pain definitely lessens as time goes by. At first I was a total wreck. For weeks I couldn’t eat or sleep or do much but cry. An anti-depressant really helped with the sleep, but then I hated to wake up. I had lots of months of feeling that my life was pointless. I obsessed about my ex constantly and questioned my decision to divorce.
But I want to tell you that I don’t feel that way most of the time now. I still go through periods of intense grief, but it normally only lasts a few days at a time now. I still haven’t totally figured out what to do with the rest of my life, but many many days are peaceful and happy. Gradually over time, the periods of pain get shorter and the peace longer. There is hope, Sisters. I never believed it when people told me it would get better, but it has for me.
One of the smartest things I did for myself was to go to a grief counseler. He never questioned how I ended up married to a SA or what my relationship was with my father or any of that other crapola. Just validated that something horribly traumatic and sad had happened and told me I was normal to feel devastated and crazy. He also stressed many times that I grieved becaused I had loved, and that is a good thing. I don’t know how anyone would find another therapists like that because I had certainly never met one before. But we can come here for the same validation.
He also stressed that there is no way out of grief but right through the middle and that the more you let yourself truly grieve, the more able you will be to love again. So take heart, those of you who hurt so badly. Cry and cry as much as you need to, and keep coming here to share that pain. Also, reach out to friends. I learned that I have a lot of caring, giving, wonderful friends. The world is good. That’s easy to lose sight of when immersed in the dark world of the SA.
Polly
Thank you Polly. That is really comforting to hear. I have been so consumed with grief it has been almost unbearable at times.
I am happy you found us 🙂
Lori
Thank you. It did help to read how you moved through that first year. Like Lori, I just get so sad, it feels like a heavy weight pushing down. Which seems crazy to me, since I needed to end the marriage. He told the custody counselor he still accesses porn on his computer. But not every day or week . . . like that makes in reasonable and normal. This is the woman who will deciding who gets custody of our two kids and for how much. I also got to hear about how I mistreat my son through telling him to sit up straight and not move around (??????) So I should be angry, not sad. Yet the grief continues to consume me. So thank you for helping me understand why.
Ahhh, divorce…. It shall be in my near future. To clarify, I have consulted a lawyer but have not filed yet. My “Husband”, if I must call him that, doesn’t even know (or know “I” know yet for that matter). Ugh! We have been married for 17 years. Sigh… He has taken care of so much for me all these years (that control thing) and I am scared to death! Starting over at 48, supporting myself, living alone, the whole thing!! Makes me a nervous wreck! I need to get The ball rolling but find myself procrastinating every day! I will post my story soon and hopefully everyone can read it and We can just start from there! I am going to rely on all my new sisters to pull me thru this mess! Then, when I’m all better, I plan to pay it forward! 🙂
I just wanted to share my progress here as well.
I have to say a year ago i was terrifed that i would or could be getting divorced. I knew that is what I should do but I was frozen and felt i should give the sa more time. But i was nothing but miserable for this. As of the one year mark it was decision time. I had been applying for jobs, caught one, which led to my boss giving a pay increase and benefits, so that my current job was the best deal. So I am staying at the same job. Then i filed for divorce last week. Then as we own the house jointly, alhtough i made the payments and put the 20% down, i was worreid about the house. As this is my home and I have three kids that need a place to live. So it may be possible in the divorce that he could try to force the sale. So I called a mortgage broker to see if i would be abl, which would mean that i would have to afford a mortgage on my own. And I can!!! I am so excited. I never thought i would be able to get a loan. So the peices are failling together nicely, even if they stick me with half of the debt, I should be golden, as the large debts are in his name. So things are looking pretty good at the present time.
Just wanted to share. As i to had so much fear. But in the end things appear to be working out just fine. 🙂
Hi Polly – thank you so much for sharing your progress with us. It really does get better in time.
I felt the same way as Flora – that I should give my husband more time, but I was miserable in the process. I think we all need to realize if they’re behavior continues, we are just setting ourselves up for more of an unhealthy and traumatic relationship. We would be the one’s suffering – they certainly don’t!
My mom used to tell me, “When you get your’e belly full, you will know when to make the decision to get out.” That is so true, and I think the cumulative effects of living with an SA eventually push us over the edge.
I also had to process, “Am I happier with him or without him?” There was no way I could have answered, “with him.”
I have been separated since August, and made the decision to divorce in February – I filed two weeks ago. It is such a relief to have the feelling of “peace,” and not be subjected to the SA’s addiction, lieing, deceiving, controlling, and manipulation to keep me in the marriage.
Our 1st anniversary is on Sunday, and I am sure I will have a few sad thoughts of what our marriage could have been, but overall, those thoughts are fading each day.
If you decide to divorce, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
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