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Hurray! I am free! ex sa rat no longer has access to my life in any way shape or form.
Everyone in my life, including my kids are thrilled that the nightmare is over. No one is worrying about the loss of money. Finally, I do not care. I’m done. I’m sane. I’m healthy. I have self respect. I have the love of my children. That is what matters.
I went to the house today just before the prospective buyer did her final walk through. It meant nothing to me. All my attachment to it was gone. What I saw was cobwebs and yardwork that I did not want to deal with.
Having some mild dissociation today. Other than that I am exhausted but feel great. All my hard work and focus on the end goal paid off in spades.
Now I get to savor the freedom and look forward to Mother’s Day. I will spend it with my wonderful gay son and his delightful partner who is coming back from performing (dance and acrobatics) on a cruise ship. We will me him as he disembarks from the ship.
Hugs all around!
Desiree,
I am delighted for you and I am glad your attachment to you house is gone. Now you can heal fully and move forward without having to deal with any contact with your ExSA rat. You probably didn’t even realize how much energy the whole house thing was draining from your efforts to be peaceful and grounded. You are right….the money isn’t the most important thing. Really happy for you that this is over and done with.
Karen xx
Congrats Desiree on the sale of your house and your freedom. Have a wonderful Mothers Day with your son and his partner.
Hi Desiree,
So happy to hear the good news. It most feel wonderful to sever his access to you.Freedom from the sah is what I am anticipating too. In about 2 weeks I will have the same experience. It will be hard to let my beautiful house go, but it was apparently a fake “home.” Know what I mean?
kandice, i know exactly what you mean! i will be (hopefully) selling my ‘fake home’ in june.
when the realtors came to meet us, they kept talking about how they were really selling the dream. the potential.
it was hard to hear them say that. i had to bite my tongue not to say, ‘they can have this nightmare!’
Good bye to the fake home!
All the work and dreams were real to me. I will internalize it all as self respect. My sweet BF says I have done a fantastic job through all of this. He has helped in many important ways.
Now sweet BF says “I want you to be financially stable – just start saving money”.
Last night I starting having this vision of SA keeping me in a cage of claws and if I wiggled just the wrong way he clenched them down to inflict pain – when he let up and I felt better he would tell me how important I as to him. OMG! In the end he just clamped down all the way and kept me there. The scariest part? He had a look of satisfaction on his face like job well done. I remember it so well. Then he trotted off to play war games all day with his brief case of toys. This was the culmination of the six months of torture. The night before I cried all night and repeated “God help, God help me.” He ignored my pleas and was about the calmest I had ever seen him. SCARY.
I called my son and we spent the whole day calming me down and working with a crisis line to keep me safe. EX SA RAT never spent another night in that house.
I am free, deeply wounded but free. Budgeting for Minwalla now.
was that a dream desiree? was that in the past, or was it last night? just making sure you are safe.. xo
Lisa, I am safe. Thanks. And, I am processing in a new way. Kind of feel like a prisoner of war that was just released to safety.
My story above may not make much sense but I will try to explain.
Last night I had a vision, not a dream of an anaology of what SA RAT did to me for the entire relationship but especially since his psychotic break in June of 2009. The part where he went off to play war games, acting calmly – was after 6 months of him being crazy in the house and making all kinds of threats. I spent 6 months trying to get him help and trying to inform people in my life what happened to Rick and of course keep working and paying the bills.
Finally I broke down and started to cry uncontrollably for hours and hours. He got calmer the more I hurt. Scarry. So Nov. 30th I called my middle son and a crisis line and got help for me and got RAT out of the house.
The claw analogy is the vision of RATs tactics of abuse. Expanding the concept more now…..Essential I didn’t see the cage or the claws when it was loose, had the illusion of saftey. RAT could be nice and keep the cage loose. RAT could clamp down to any degree needed to get me under control is just the right way, then let up and see if I would “behave”.
In “the end” (since his breadown 4 years ago and all through the divorce process – he clamped down all the way and destroyed my life without ever laying a finger on me. Even yesterday when I went to sign the closing papers. I wondered if he would meet me their and just shoot me. Why have me live to tell the truth about him? Especially when he has lost everything.
My address is secret. My life plans are secret. My accounts have all had new passwords.
I hope I don’t seem crazy – maybe I am a bit. I have been tortured for a very long time. Their are too many details to share.
I am free, safe and very, very tired of all it took to survive in a clueless and uncaring culture. Not only was I tortured, I had to educate everyone around me. Many, did not believe me for a long, long time. Most have come around.Desiree,
You are an amazingly strong and intelligent woman. You have done the step that I am striving to complete. Thank you for your example.Nightmares are just a part of what we have been through. At least, that’s how I look at it. As bad as the dreams are, my subconscious helps keep me on track and process some of the emotions that would having me screaming when I’m awake. Kind of an overnight power washer.
Hope you have sweeter dreams tonight.
Happy (gay) mother’s day from one trooper to another – what a relief and an accomplishment – I hope you have a wonderful visit – CONGRATULATIONS xo
holy crap desiree. i’m sorry. the abuse is fucking awful. devastating. soul crushing. terrifying. i feel deeply for you sister. i’m sorry. it’s just criminal and inhuman, what he did to you. i hope he dies a slow and painful death, all alone.
Thanks girls. Yes, Lisa, it was awful. All the neighbors thought he was the nicest man. They helped me a lot especially when I needed major surgery….but they were confused about Rick. The big story in the news that Kandice wrote about – the three girls being abducted for 10 years – and people who knew the abuser could never have imagined……..
Great perspective Kandice about dreams being an overnight power washer. I just want to keep healing. Whatever it takes. I can do what I need to now that I am safe.
I ended up canceling my trip to be with my Son Dustin and his BF for Mother’s Day. Just do not feel great so I have been resting and talking walks by the river.
Kind of like March, the magnitude of what was done to me is sinking in. I wonder if RAT planned his exit all along but actually, I think he is has borderline personality disorder and god knows what else. Don’t think he was stable enough to make such elaborate plans.
My kids have a lot to process. Soon we will all be together for my youngest son’s wedding in Virginia. It is going to be fabulous.
Enjoy the peace Desiree – I am so grateful for all moments of peace that do not come in the form of loneliness xo Meg
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