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Dan went through all my stuff, including my underwear drawer to find the “WINE” that is going to be my compete undoing . I have to divorce this guy. HE WENT THROUGH MY PERSONAL STUFF. Then he called my 20 year old son and told him. Your mother is drinking!!! I will not be forced into sneaking around to have a glass of wine. I am 53 not 15. He is trying to get leverage to use against me. I think I told you all that in my 20s I drank a lot. I was a bass player in a touring rock band and lived that lifestyle. Which I stopped cold at 30 and never looked back. I never struggled with it, I just stopped. 23 years. Now I decide that a glass of wine, or even a rum and coke in the evening, after the kids have gone to bed would help a little with the stress. And now he is going to use this as leverage to show I’m unstable, or an unfit mother or some such nonsense. I will not do this. I am not going to try to prove I am not the crazy one. By the way, he knew all about MY escapades when I was young. To bad he didn’t warn me he was a fucking pervert in his youth and still was. I will not play this game. I have to get a job and a divorce. Even my oldest is asking me if there is any way to “fix” the relationship. NO. There is no way to fix the damage he has done to me. No way on Gods green earth. If he had kept a job, maybe we could have stayed married and he could have at least provided for us. But he couldn’t even do that. He was a fuckup from the start, and continues to be one. Thanks for listening. I am so TIRED.
I’m scared for you, Monique. If he’ll do that, he’ll plant stuff. This could be very, very bad for you regarding custody. He needs to be O-U-T with no access to you, your home, or the children unless it’s supervised. I don’t know how to do that legally, and at this point I’d say be like them, do it and let them take the time and trouble to try to enforce some legal measures. He is endangering you.
Yes. Why does he still have access to your home monique? He absolutely could plant drugs or anything in your home, call in an anonymous tip and you could find yourself in jail.
Do you have an attorney? If not you need one NOW! And please, interview a few and absolutely hire the most aggressive one you can find. Otherwise you will be wasting your money.
AND…change the locks and get a restraining order against him if you have to to keep him out of your house.
If you cannot handle confronting him then YOU have to leave.
I do not want you to be someone we read about in the news.
Please, keep him out of your house. ~ JoAnn
Do not make me come over there and change the locks, Monique. Because if I have to make the trip, I can assure you I will not be leaving until I have rammed that bottle of wine so far up Dan’s ass he’ll be peeing chardonnay till the day he fucking dies.
They really should write a book about these guys. What an asshole he is. Trying to blame you for made up crap bc he has nothing else. I feel like they all do this. Hopefully you can develop a tough outer skin so this stuff rolls off your back. I know its hard but try not to get drawn into his web. He can say anything he wants about you but that doesn’t make it true. Unfortunately, many of us do not catch on to these guys until we have invested many years into the marriage and have kids.
Yep. He is setting me up for sure. I’m sure he took pictures and everything to shoe that I had alcohol in the house. Last time I looked that wasn’t illegal. But, he is forcing my hand. He cannot search my house. My underwear drawer for Christs’ sake. What an invasion of my privacy. Once again, I feel completely violated by him. Thanksgiving is going to be absolute HELL. I’ll need a fucking glass of wine just to get through it . I need to make a decision and fast. I am just scared. I don’t wasn’t to hurt my kids,but I think that is not possible. I mentioned last night to them that I may need to get a job. They were horrified. What will happen to us??? I know what Dan wants to happen. He wants to force me to get a job so he can move back in to “TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS” while I work. I am so scared of the unknown. If I knew what was going to happen, I could wrap my head around it and go on. This is paralyzing me. When he is here, he acts like things are so normal. If I act like they are not, I feel like I’m being a bitch. The kids see he has lost so much weight he looks very different to them. He was 70lbs overweight so this is actually good for him. But they see poor dad is looking thin and so sad. I wish I felt stronger. I just feel paralyzed and tired. My life sucks.
Mine tried to tell people I had a gambling problem. Every ATM withdrawl or check for cash I wrote in the past three years I had to prove was not spent at a casino. He jumped on the gambling bandwagon bc I won a jackpot there with my friends. I knew darn well I didn’t have a problem. It took me a long time to prove my innocense. I hated it at the time but now see it for what it is….he had nothing else and had to blame me for something.
Damn it, I’m pissed off as hell about this for your children, too.
They have ONE stable parent, and he’s doing his damnedest to make her out to be a threat to everyone. This is what is the absolute worst about them (well that I can see now through the red), that they are CLUELESS as to what ripple effects of permanent damage their games to cover their scrawny asses wreck on everyone around them. Especially children.
As if he cared, but a real father would want his children to feel as safe and comfortable WHEREVER they are and WHOEVER they are with, during a transition, and make any frigging sacrifice necessary themselves to see that it is so. Not these asshole sperm donors. The selfishness and manipulation that brought us here is so evident in their lives, I just want to write a law that they have to go live on an island and only have their sick co-horts to inflict their misery onto.
Those children do NOT need to be subjectged to “Mom’s out of control” when they KNOW dad is.
I am so pissed off he searched the house. You are right JoAnn, he has all kinds of drug contacts who could get him anything and he could plant it. I never even considered that till you said it. I have a question. If I change the locks and he breaks in, what then? The police and an attorney told me that he could legally break in. I think filing divorce proceedings is the only way. SHITSHITSHITSHIT. I AM going to Lowe’s to get locks. My other problem is that he knows all the attorneys in town AND all the DAs. I wonder if I could get one out of Albuquerque.
One thing somebody told me that has helped…. When you are in times of uncertainty, know your truth and stick to it. Honor your truth. Trust your truth. I don’t know if that helps you or not. It has gotten me through some really crappy times. If I trust myself things will turn out ok. Never give up your truth for anybody. Esp him. I know I am new here but I have been living this nightmare for 3 years. I have learned a lot and had a lot of therapy . You will get through this.
Holy hell, great that he knows them. Start talking. Get consultations with every frigging one of them, as long as they’re free. Not to hire them, but to spread the frigging story. He is too protected. Your story needs to be out there NOW before he puts something irrefutable on the table to smear you.
Liza, I was told by an attorney that this is still considered his legal domicile until I file for divorce or separation. I was told that he had legal right to access until I file something. He was here watching the kids when he searched. I had to go to my cardiologist appointment. I’m sure that is when he did it.
I am going to call them all again today to see if I can get someone to take this pro bono. I nee 5000$ for a retainer otherwise. I don’t have it and have no one to ask who would have it either. I may have to rely on the state to file for me. They won’t represent me very well. Ok, proactively he just got his last paycheck. I can legally remove some or all. Should I? I think I’d better.
Get an attorney, swear that you are afraid of him, change the locks.
Nap’s husband kicked her out and she could not get back in her home.
He left the home. And, all those people that he knows also know he was fired with cause and is not eligible for re hire. They know what he did. You are the one left in the dark.
Tell your kids in an age appropriate manner what he did. It’s not in their best interest to trust him.
If nothing else get chains on the doors inside so he would have to break them to enter. If/when you hear him breaking in then call 911. When officers arrive tell them you are separated and you are afraid of him.
He is a pedophile and he is dangerous. Stop letting him in for dinner. Stop the going to Mass stuff. Find another church for you and the kids. Do not get a job until a divorce is final. Make the judge tell you to get a job. Even a divorce judge will give you time to get a job and get the kids in school. Don’t do any of it until it is court ordered.
Thanks Bev! I need that kick in the ass. I am scared. Really scared, but I have to act. NOW. I have to somehow unparalyze myself. I am truly frozen. I will start by getting the money out. And calling an attorney. And getting the inside locks. I talked with Kimberly Sat night and that was her suggestion too. Inside locks. You are right about the job, but he has no job to support us even if the judge ordered support.
Go to the department of social services and file immediately for all the help you can get, Food Stamps, Work First, Medicaid, housing assistance, child care (you won’t want to use their facilities but when you have the full applications out the courts take your claim that you are afraid for yourself and your children more seriously) and I don’t know if you get it now, but disability because of the cardiac issues. It takes time for all that stuff to process and you don’t want to have to do it last minute. You can cancel it all if things work out differently (please God). When you lean on the system, they are a LOT harder on the dad to pay his share. They will go after him for garnishments if you are on Medicaid or Food Stamps. Not so much, otherwise. I found that out the hard way.
I am sorry this is a disaster, but once you are moving towards making things safer for you all, momentum really does help overcome the fear paralysis. We all have fear paralysis, taking these steps is a big leap into the unknown, and with children it’s scary. But what you are going through now, that’s scarier.
Here the Women’s Shelter has not only a place for women to escape abusive situations and stay temporarily, but they are also able to connect you to people who have houses they rent to people without deposits, or with reduced rent for a certain time period, who do that as a community service. They are NOT advertised otherwise. The Women’s Shelters are incredible resources. A lot of people give things and services there that are not advertised or talked about. That’s for a reason. They avoid heat from the men looking for their escaped partners. Sad, but true.
‘He wants to force me to get a job so he can move back in to “TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS” while I work.’
Monique, I think you’re so overwhelmed you’re just not being logical. He can’t force you to let him take care of the kids. You need a plan. Yes, get unparalyzed–and quickly. This is war.
It usually doesn’t help to give advice, but I’m going to offer some anyway:
Get your kids in public school. The fears you have about what might happen in school are nothing compared to what might happen with their father.
File for divorce so you can legally keep him out of the home.
Make any kind of noise/trouble you can: restraining order, tapes of conversations, loud questions to his superiors in the precinct….tell him that you’ll depose everyone he worked with…
I’ve been sober for 9 years. Like you, I haven’t had to struggle with my sobriety. Who knows–maybe I could even drink socially after all these years, having dealt with my childhood traumas and now that I’m on antidepressants. Or maybe I’d fall right back into my nightly disappearing act and land in black-out drunk land. I’m not gonna risk it. But even before I was sober, my attorney told me during my first divorce not to drink at all while we were separated etc. “Act like a nun,” he said, and I did.
Don’t give that monster any ammunition.
What march said. Unfortunately we have to be totally, inhumanly pristine during this shit because they’ll seize on ANYTHING we say or do and they’ll blow it up to try to equalize/minimize their own behavior. It’s frankly AMAZING that all you’ve done is drink a freaking glass of wine through all this…it’s so ludicrous to frame that as some kind of liability on your part…he’s only doing this because he’s using against you what you confided in him like a normal trusting person would do. He’s counting on you being isolated with no connections and him using all his wider social/professional net to protect himself, so now’s the time to change that. Putting the kids in school right away will take that big club out of his hands, so that should come first. Big hugs and strength to you, monique.
Yes I need strength. Thanks everyone. I needed a big kick in the ass to start moving. I am getting locks today and have a call in to my therapist and NM legal aid. I have to file. I see no other way. He could do anything. He knows all the judges and all the DAs and all the attorneys. I know because he has been asking all of them about the criminal investigation. Therapist just called and said that no one would consider the wine a problem. Even with my previous wild days of my 20s, and not to worry about it. But the only way to keep him out is to file for divorce and to ask legal aid to help me. That is next on the list. Strength sisters I need strength!!! Liza, Teri, Lynn, March, TMP, Bev, Daisy, KMF, Arleigh, NAP,JoAnn, Claire, any and all of the strong, strong ladies here, send me the strength to see this through. Thanks.
You can do this Monique. Your kids are depending on you to keep them safe. You can absolutely do this. It is scary but it is what you have to do. Dig deep and know we are all lifting you up!
Sending you constant strength, monique. And…no one gives a flying f*** what you did in your 20s or how much you drank. That’s totally and completely irrelevant and has NO impact or significance regarding what he is and has been doing NOW, which is not only current and affecting your kids but is much, much worse than anything you could have done. This is what they do, pluck things out of the past to hurt and shame you with, to get the onus off them. Wormtongue did the same thing to me, and it won’t do jack to get them off the hook once they’re caught. I suspect he made you feel ashamed of your past in order to lock you into the truly abnormal isolation he had you in. You have nothing to be ashamed of and it’s time for you to step out into the light and walk in the sun, which you will do. Keep going, Monique, we’re with you.
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