“How could you not know?”

This is an area where we need Diane. She is great for explaining stuff like this. Can you tell I want us all back together and happy again? 🙂

Trust is the key Desiree. We trusted. We didn’t have any reason not to. Until we did. It is hard for other people to get. I give your BF a lot of credit for trying. I can’t really explain it to myself so I wouldn’t know where to start to try to explain it to someone else. 🙁

Desiree, we’ve discussed before how we–people who are trustworthy and real–do not expect such incredible deception in others. It’s just not in our natures. I was molested as a child. My father was a violent, abusive, alcoholic philanderer. My first husband might well be a sociopath. And YET…and yet…because I am honest at my core and have always managed to maintain the ability to see beauty in the world and people, I STILL can’t wrap my head around the fact that human beings can be so treacherous.

I told you guys before that I am shocked by how much anger I’m feeling lately, and that I’m recalling some of the terrible things he did that I have somehow managed to block out–things that tell me what a monster he truly is, beyond the sexual betrayals.

Several years before he confessed to being an SA, I found texts between him and his secretary. They were inappropriate but not overtly sexual. Or, rather, they were only sexual to a degree that I could be convinced that they were flirting but hadn’t crossed the line. I was crushed–devastated–nonetheless. About a year later, she moved to Michigan and I thought she was so much history. We’d had a few words, she and I, and I felt a great deal of resentment towards her. She knew my children. She had held Lola on her lap while she colored. How could this woman participate in the destruction of my family??? So, after a couple of years of marriage counseling, Greg and I were happy. I thought we’d achieved something together. I thought I had a strong marriage. But on my birthday, I sent that girl an e-card, with a picture of me and Greg in Costa Rica, kissing. In that moment of craziness, I wanted to show her that she hadn’t taken anything from me. Ridiculous crazy, I know.

So Greg comes home from work and asks me why I would do such a thing–why I would contact her, “bring her back into our lives when she was gone for good,” why I’d stir up trouble like that, since he hadn’t had any contact with her or even thought about her since…whenever. He makes an appointment with our marriage counselor, who we hadn’t seen for over year, and drags me in to discuss how insane I am.

I find out, months later, when he comes clean, they’d never stopped. Not only had he been fucking her for seven years, they’d continued the sexting, phone chats, computer sex even after she left. She’s the one who flew to Boca Raton with him.

SO WHY WOULD HE DRAG ME TO THE COUNSELOR??? Why humiliate me that way, make everything my fault, make me the bad guy? Because it further assured me that there was nothing going on between them. It helped cement his plan.

I couldn’t have known that. Not in a million years.

Wow March, just wow…that’s just messed up right there!

Desiree, I often ask myself how I didn’t know (it took me over ten years before I found out the first time) and then when I did find out…why did I continue to believe him. His apologies appeared to be so sincere. In my mind I thought he would never hurt me again because he saw the devastation and destruction that it caused. I guess naive springs to mind. We, as decent human beings would never treat someone you’re supposed to love that way. But then again we’re not sick and twisted are we! I guess it’s all about trust. I never thought in a million years that the man I would marry would treat me so poorly. I trusted when I married him that he wouldn’t hurt me…ever, let alone many times. I can’t get my head around it either.

Why is there a double standard? That’s an easy one Desiree. Because men rule the world. If women did, you can bet domestic/marital contracts would have much more weight than they do now. This is what happens when the inmates are running the asylum.

I’m with March, we don’t know because we project our values and our view of the world and relationships onto them. We would have to think it was even remotely possible that someone we chose, married, loved, had children with could do the inconceivable things they did/do.

Everyone is honest to an honest man…..

That is a quote from somewhere ( I am sure Liza would know) but it’s the truth.

My Grandmother warned me all the time to NEVER be financially dependent upon a man. I guess she was right.

I have to disagree about projecting our values onto them. At least in my case, I can say that I made it a point of asking him about his values and making mine very, very clear. I told him that I had a zero tolerance for porn. I was very clear about monogamy and the importance of family. He agreed with me. He pretended that those were his values, too. Maybe he even lied to himself. My father was an alcoholic and a sex addict, and I wanted to make sure that I married someone who has a hard worker and dedicated to family. I didn’t project- he lied. He looked right into my face and told me every thing I suppose he thought I wanted to hear. And I believed him because he is a good liar and has no conscience about it.

I suppose you could argue that I projected that because I am honest, he would be honest, too…

But as bad as my father was, he didn’t hide who he was. The porn was everywhere, he made no secret about his many girlfriends and wives.

I had no idea that anyone was capable of that kind of deception. I couldn’t even imagine it. Even now I can hardly believe it. And so many other people still believe him because he is just that good at lying.

That is what I meant Teri about the “projection” thing. Of course we made our values clear and they lied.

Polygraph next time, Bev… 🙂