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compartmentalized? a common coping mechanism? Just how crazy are these guys?
SA RAT used to speak of this. Sound like abuse and excuses to me.
Catherine, I wrote a letter to my H’s “girlfriend” in which I told her that I gave my H a choice – her or me and his kids and he chose me. I also told her if he ever changed his mind, she could have him and his small appendage for her very own but the house and the money were staying with me because I was the one with the money not him and after I got finished with the divorce he would be lucky to have a tiny apartment in the bad part of town. I didn’t send it. I’m very sorry now that I didn’t.
How could we not have known? Because they didn’t want us to know. As other sister’s have said, we trusted – I don’t like to use the word naive b/c I think that makes us sound like dumb country bumpkins. We weren’t naive – we were trusting women who married men we loved and thought loved us. In a lot of cases, we eventually had gut feelings that something was off and when we listened to our gut, we found out that it was off…way off. However, our h’s did everything in their power to get us to not trust our gut so that we wouldn’t “not trust” them. And I think that is the crux of this whole issue…if it were just about the sex, they would confess and say, “I’m a kinky sex fiend…I need help”. But no, they have to lie & manipulate & be deceitful & betray and I think that is what they are “addicted” to more than the sexual acts.
March – I’m with you – I am angry! I think that is why separation and minimal contact is so important. Not just for the opportunity to have breathing room but for the opportunity to reflect on all that they have done and said and really see how damaging it all is. They took the trusting love that we gave them and twisted it for their own gain. Sick!
This is a great thread, thanks Desiree.
I’m learning from all your views and experiences.
Carriellen’s post caught my attention especially because of the word “etrade”. My husband has an etrade account and says it is about stocks but won’t let me see into it (needs a password). He doesn’t refuse but is not forthcoming, never having time just now, until I forget, which I did. Long before D-Day I had this eerie feeling that all the money was not accounted for.I wish you had daisy. She deserved it. I think all these whores have dollar signs in their eyes. I know my husbands came to look at my house. Probably worked out the value of the businesses. She doesn’t have a clue about borrowings though. That might have sent her running with her tail between her legs
Zola – get that etrade password! Is it a joint account? If so, you are legally allowed to access it. You may just need the account number to create your own log-in.
We too have joint accounts on etrade – and while I had access to it and knew generally how much money was in there, I never really cared to learn the details. One of the discoveries I made before second D-Day (2 months after the first) was that he had been getting money from the atm from our investment account. Had I gone onto our account, this wouldn’t have been immediately transparent as I would probably only look at the checking part. When I looked at the investment part, I saw all the atm withdrawals from the previous year and those added up to the “normal” withdrawals from checking account, were quite a bit of money. I also discovered that he had some money transferred out into another investment account – one I knew we had but didn’t know we could or would write checks from. I set up a log-in to that account and voila – discovered a few checks written – one to an attorney and when I eventually confronted him with that info, he admitted he had been arrested for solicitation. Oh the web of lies they weave…
yes the web of lies and destruction trail of innocent victims, usually women and children
I AM PISSED!
Oh yes, the lies! I’ve recently realized the stupid sod has taken over 10k from his 401.. He’s had a few opportunities to mention it to me..nope, nothing! I’ve just written on another thread about not being sure what kind of lawyer to go with and potentially going with the tame lawyer for the divorce. But…just writing this here, has stopped me short in my tracks and I’ve realized nothing about divorcing this guy is going to be tame or easy if he’s not even bothered to mention the 10k he stole. What else am I not seeing I wonder!!?
Lies, lies and more lies…..
Maggie your divorce is not likely to be tame. THE EX SA RAT in y life left out what was our only liquid savings (actually in Mutual Funds) for our retirement, when giving an accounting of what we needed to split during the divorce. It was $ he inherited and always managed independently. I never, ever imagined it would be a slush fund for handing sleazy activities.
I was still respecting that that $ was his in some ways until the settlement conference for the divorce when the judge asked if anything was left out. A light bulb went on and I said yes and told her about the fund. After that he got most his pension but not much else.
I think that there was so much carnage and damage to sort out with all the problems he forced on my that I couldn’t put everything into proper perspective and the legal system said I had no recourse for the related abuses.
BASTARD knew he was protected and let it all roll out and blamed me. FUCKER.
Talk about trusting. Are we too trusting as a group or are these creeps just that good at their game?
Oh, good, Maggie. You are getting it. I just posted about not going for the tame attorney on the other thread. These guys steal from us all through our marriage. Why would you expect him to man up now? He doesn’t even have to pretend to be nice any more because there is no more keeping you in the dark. Look up narcissistic rage sometime because that is what you are likely to face.
How could you not know? Easy. They didn’t want you to know and were willing to engage in any number of underhanded and deceptive behaviours to make sure you didn’t find out. With my husband…he was funnelling money through his work expense account. There was no way I could track that. He used a company email…also locked up. And then there was the phone….he had the cheapest, most basic little phone. It only stored about 10 text messages. He is ADD. There is no way he could have managed the organization of 2000 stored texts…so he kept that little phone as his work phone for a LONG time, until he got a secret mobile. He used a credit card, I thought was inactive and so on and so on and so on. When you are not really looking…when you cannot conceive who you are living with, when you cannot believe the deception they are capable of, when you still think they hold you in some kind of regard…..all of those beliefs keep you in the dark and that is EXACTLY where they want you? Ignorant and controllable. The day you leave your beliefs behind, they lose their power over you. It is a lesson learned the hard way. With these men, always prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
I’m embarrassed to say my husband just went to the teller machine and took out the cash. He had an email address with his “I like to fuck name”. He even used his own cell phone. He kept all the banking and bills at work. All I can say is I trusted him and he never thought he would get caught. He was a guy that never spent in excess and put himself out there as an honorable person. In retrospect I can see so many of the signs. Two of the smaller signs are, one, that whenever he paid someone in a store he would put the money down on the counter. That always struck me as strange and impersonal. Now I guess it was because when he visited prostitutes he had to put the money on the table, you’re not allowed to hand it to them. Two, he had this gum habit. He had reflux issues but he still chewed gum. Now I realize that he needed to chew it before the LFK and after the **** that he described in all of his TER reviews. (I had to look up all of the abbreviations on Urban Dictionary). I have been obsessing on all things big and small trying to get a handle on this. Ugh.
narcissistic rage – I will look it up – think that is what crashed into my life and took it all down for good
they was us ignorant and controllable – OMG – so true
Narc rage I can sort of describe as when they know you know, that you see through them and you aren’t going to play their game any more. They get so angry that they want to destroy you. Something like that.
Don’t be too embarrassed Donna. My H used our debit card, credit card, and his regular phone. He KNEW I NEVER checked bankaccounts or paid bills or looked at his stupid phone. Crazy ass me….I trusted my husband.
It was certainly easy to track and find it all though 🙂
It wasn’t simply about trusting them – I had trusted me to be able to live in a relationship that didn’t require constant monitoring – and as Bev just said – once I found out one thing it was easy to find out most of the rest because of how stupidly obvious the trail of deception was. I was in no way naive, I certainly knew that he had significant family of origin issues – I did not in a million years think that he would wire money from my personal credit card to a thug from Kentucky who used the money to buy a greyhound bus ticket to meet him in a hotel. This is a man who thinks camping is bad room service – the profiles of the men he hooked up with were easily traced because he was stupid enough to write a review of their encounters on-line from work, using his real email account and booked airline tickets in other people’s names using our joint Am Ex. I had paid all of the bills for most of our marriage until the prior 6 years when we split bills and I took car of everything related to the mortgage and house expenses – I also work long hours and he had his ‘meetings’ while away at conferences and when I had late evenings at the office. I only know my story – that’s it! I am not a mind reader and I am willing to trust my own instincts again because that is all I have and I am not willing to live a life of projected dishonesty. Believing in H is not on my agenda at the moment – although I know it is high on his – it isn’t relevant – I did nothing wrong in walking a path of ‘relative’ truth and I don’t intend to get off that path – but I will ask direct questions – show my own cards at all times – and take into serious account when others withhold theirs – you can’t miss what isn’t visible – Meg
Shoot, dr. evil used to sext right under my nose. Said it was about a patient. And he used cash from the ATM. I asked him what he spent cash on once, and he told me lunch. Then in his discovery, I saw he used his business card for lunch.
He used his travel reimbursement from his practice. He told me he had it automatically deposited when the checks disappeared (his paychecks were getting automatically deposited for the first time, too, so why would I be suspicious?). Suddenly now he is back to getting travel reimbursement checks…
Used his computer to send emails to prostitutes while at home- some in the morning while the family was all getting ready for work and school.
He would tell me he was going to see a patient when he was going to orgies.
I had “all” his user names and passwords or so I thought.
He was in a 12 step program twice a week, calling his sponsor, etc. Reading in his sa books almost every morning.
I trusted my husband, too. And he accused me of being controlling and having trust issues? What a joke.
It supposed to be a legal dodge Teri. So they can say they weren’t paid for sex since the money wasn’t handed to them directly. You know…”oops I accidentally left $400 on the table after my dick accidentally fell into the hooker.” Details, details.
Well every profession has a code of conduct – the “patient needs me” was an excuse I heard a lot – I have to say that H’s behavior has either changed since I moved out or I am just not susceptible to the same things but I know that if I had minor children it would be different. I have not lost my faith in humanity and I have never had any faith in God – this is where we need Diane – I am not a disbeliever he is just not for me – I already miss the provocative discussions that Diane brought to
our pages – we are none of us to blame – we are charged with
discovering our own path and this is part of it – like or not….I don’t think so Teri. I mean, if the john is an undercover officer just giving their “menu” and taking cash, whether it is handed to them or not is enough for an arrest.
So funny Daisy! It’s all the pretense. Here’s another one, one of the services my husband used was GFE, Girl Friend Experience. That’s what they call it and its not supposed to really be cheating, just a sickness!
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