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I find myself wondering about this every time I hear about an affair or these deeply hidden secrets. My best friend told me, and I’m grateful for that now, but i play that moment over and over again in my head, and i find myself wondering about what moments other women are playing over and over again in their heads.
Hi, Courtney..
It was sort of a month-long process for me, where I happened to see a Skype conversation he was having with a young female co-worker. ( I wasn’t even snooping; it was just on his screen when I was borrowing his laptop. )It wasn’t sexual or inappropriate at all, but he was doing this odd veiled complaining about me. Nothing that blatant, but enough that I thought, ‘Wait a minute..this doesn’t sound like him at all. Something started niggling at my gut. And a month later I somehow got into his ‘saved passwords’ on his computer, and discovered that this guy I’d loved for 22 years was not who I thought he was at all. The rest of the story came out in agonizing disclosures for the next few months. The day I’d learned he’d been with prostitutes still replays itself in my head as the day everything changed, and everything I thought I was real turned upside down. (Not as often as in the beginning, thankfully.) xoxo
Courtney,
I got the information on the one year “installment plan”.
D-Day in Feb: He told me he wanted a divorce and had a “friend” that was helping him through it. He stayed at his church friends house a few nights a week.
March: He told me he had been to prostitutes for 5 years….but it was my fault.
April – May: I had breast cancer treatments and he swore he dropped his old lady “friend” (he didn’t)
May – Sept.: We worked on our marriage with a marriage counselor and had what we called “our summer of love”, went to Bermuda, etc. Things seemed great.
Sept.: He disclosed he had slept with his old lady friend in March/April. I then found a text on his phone from another “friend” that said she was lonely. Then I found their old emails where he asked to meet up and have sex.
Oct: – I figured out he had a serious problem and was a SA. He was in denial and did all the typical stuff: gas lighting, minimization (5 years of hookers became 1 year), rationalization.
Dec.: When I tried to kick him out, he went to SA meetings and a CSAT (but he lied on the SDI).
Feb.: – He stopped going to SA meetings because he said he “didn’t have a problem”.
April: He finally admitted he had a problem and went into treatment with a therapist and SA meetings.
So – it took more than a year for the onion to be peeled. I think it’s typical for things to be dribbled if it’s up to the SA. It’s very traumatic to partners and should be avoided at all cost. It’ll really set you back. Don’t let him do his disclosures or your discoveries on the installment plan – you will suffer.
If I had to do it over again, I would have kicked him out once I figured out what I was dealing with (Sept/Oct). That would have saved me sooo much grief.
Deb
I stupidly and selfishly got involved with a married man 10 yrs ago after I divorced, which I openly admitted to here on this site last spring. We were involved for 10 mos and his wife found out when dumb shit filed for divorce himself but didn’t tell her (he told me he gave her the papers). A card came in the mail with docket info the day he left town for a weekend trip with his son. She called to find out what it was about and then all hell broke loose. We ended at that point, she came to talk/confront me (I sang like a bird) and they reconciled and are still together. Hurting HER was the worst part for me and sadly I didn’t appreciate that until she and I talked. I answered every question with truth which she thanked me for doing so. He lied and told her we hooked up one time.
Then Karma bitch slapped me HARD when I married the most amazing man two years later who turned out to be a porn addict.
Oddly and gratefully, she and I managed to become friends and has offered me unexplainable wisdom and support as I dealt with my h having a pa and the feelings of betrayal over it.
I’m sorry another woman disrespected your marriage. Karma WILL get her tho-sooner rather than later I promise and him too.
I found out when my 13 year old son was using his dad’s computer (in a room with a couple friends) and a chatroll came up with naked avatars of his dad and another woman with messages that were clearly sexual. Within a short time, I found his secret emails to prostitutes and swingers, photos he had emailed and posted online (many of orgies with him in them), his ads on sex sites (including BDSM), receipts for hotels, etc.
The first time I found out was about 20 years ago. He had been away on business. I found a phone number in his pocket. It said “Leslie” I called the number I was shaking so bad. I talked to her. She told me how they met in a bar. He told her he was divorced. She then proceeded to tell me how the rubber broke and she was worried about getting pregnant. I stayed in touch with her until I found out she wasn’t pregnant. There have been other times and for me each time I found something out it was like the first time. The same shock, the shaking, sick to my stomach gut wrenching heartache.
Katmandew, So sad the repetitive “findings”. My husband was extremely careful. Never a physical sign of anything like a note, phone and computer ultra protected. My only sign was the no vacancy sign on his body when the prostitutes started getting out of control. I manage all the finances in our household except the joint check book. I looked at a statement and saw all this cash coming out, then looked back five months, the same thing. I knew something was up and I suspected the sex industry.
I was looking for an email from his mother in the Trash icon. That is when I found the email to the “Topless Massage”. At first I thought it was just some kind of spam, but something made me open it. I found that it was a reply to setting up a massage. I than found several more emails for other kinds of activities. After that I check his cell phone. This all took about a week of investigating before I confronted him about it. I very calmly told him that I had to talk to him about something. I said that we had been married for 25 years and that deserves the respect of truth. I asked him not to answer me if he was going to lie and told him that I would be willing to wait for him to collect himself enough to tell me the truth. I than proceded to ask him how many years during our marriage has he been using prostitutes? After he starred at me with the deer in the headlights kind of look, he told me that he had a topless massage. I asked him if that was all? He said “yes!”. I walked out of the room and telling him that I had asked for the truth and will not be talking to him until he has the strength to talk the truth. The story of course goes from there……… the drip method of disclosure, the blaming, the “your not so great either”…… lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala …….
Oh and this is a good one/……..
He tried to claim that he left that in the trash so that I would find it. He was reaching out for help.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
that is a good one
Thanks for sharing your moments. Does it get better? I’m only three months out. or do we play that “moment” over and over again in our heads, for how long?
Courtney, for me it was similar to the death of a loved one. The grief and the flashbacks got better after 3 years.
How long you re-play that moment in your head is really so individual. It has taken me a long long time. You must not get concerned with how long it will take you. You need to do what is right for you. Just know that it is normal and can take a very long time. Do what you need to do to heal you. Take the time you need. We are all here for you and understand.
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