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What is healthy?
What is abusive on our parts?
What is polite?
What politeness is not good for us?
What politeness is needed?
When, where, how?Mine was spontaneously spilling out here for awhile. Have moved through a lot of it and feel so much better. SOS is definitely the WHERE for me. Thanks and my apologies if it is upsetting for others.
🙂 I think we need to let go of polite and be kind/gentle with ourselves. If we do that, then we can offer it to others too. Anger is a natural reaction, but in my humble opinion it doesnt buy us anything. There isnt a payoff, it just isnt gratifying–we arent the kind of people who get off on anger. But I beleive that if we stay in our abusive situations, anger is inevitable and sadly unproductive except as a signal that we need to do something different.
I think alot of what we label anger is actually grief that we havent dealt with. At least for me…I couldnt grieve what I didnt want to acknowledge was truly dead and over.Sometimes some emotions like anger are labeled as bad feelings. For me anger can be a gift. Anger can give me the energy to stop other people from abusing me. Anger lets you know when something unjust is being done to you
I say we can do whatever we want with it. It’s our anger! Not that we get to hurt others or turn into angry people in general, but anger is natural and healthy. Let it out girls 🙂
Thats something I battle with. I try and understand why the person behaves the way they do and suppress my anger
anger helped me to kick him out, call him all kind of names, yell and scream for endless hours at him,
but fear is now what is moving me into divorce,, and with that I have to choose polite.
Boy Harmony, I hear you. Think I had some similaiar patterns. There were just so many episodes over 20 years. Fear led me to divorce after fear kept me from divorcing. Fear of different things……..being uninvolved in every possible way both legally and emotionally of future acting out let me to divorce. God was it hard to be polite – ca’t say I did a great job because SA didn’t think the truth was polite. Bet we all have had that experience.
The endless arrogance and lying has made me so mad. The insisting that he is still a good guy. Cra Cra.
Think I need to get all this worked out in me because I will have adult children and their partners to try to explain what happened. I hope that all this processing gets me to a clearer story of just what did happen. My kids deserve the short, simple version.
I think Bonnie is right about the grief expressing itself as anger sometimes. Made me realize that sometimes when I’m letting it all out at him, it’s the images in my head that he’s left me with that I’m blasting out at him in vivid detail. And underneath it, it does feel more like grief than rage that is bubbling out.
Desiree, the truth does seem like anger or insults to these guys. His favorite thing to say is that I’m insulting him by ‘rubbing his face in it.’ Yeah, well ya know, the truth hurts. He coulda made it a lot easier on himself by not having done the kind of thing that his face is getting rubbed in now. xoxoYes Annie, I hear you. So frustrating.
Soooooo, I for one am movin on to a life of peace and consistent boundary setting. Me thinks I will be busy with all the learning of new skills. Keeping myself financially able to stand alone remains my goal. I do not want a man to have that kind of power over me again.
I learned a huge lesson during my first divorce. I had so much anger to deal with it was eating me alive. I always thought the opposite of anger was love – and it’s nearly impossible to turn anger into love -but it’s not. It’s pity. I found that with just a twist I could redirect all of my burning anger toward my ex and turn it into a much healthier feeling of pity. Didn’t help me hate the bastard any less – but took a whole load off of out of control emotion off of my shoulders… and it’s easy to feel sorry for less than human beings when they’re screwing up their own lives.
Ann, the pity seems to be my main feeling towards him these days too. It does feel better than anger, but it also messes with my head, because I’ve come to view him as a scared little boy. And I’m way too old to have another kid. 🙂 xoxo
Scared little boy? I get that portrayal from my h, too. I have can be swept up with pity for him if I’m not careful. Frankly, anger is a better emotion for me as I move through this divorce. I absolutely hate that I am put in the mother role by him. He can sound so helpless at times on the phone. I have to remind myself he is one kick-ass actor. I have to stay vigilant and not take on that maternal role. I have 2 children who are now grown and I don’t want a third one in his 50’s, with some whacked out addiction.
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