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I have often wondered about the domestic arrangements of those that are still living with SA’s. Do you sleep in separate bedrooms? Are you 2 strangers living in a house? Do you talk? Are you working on trying to make it real?
It came to mind again when I read Karen’s post suggesting to March if she has to stay then she should look for intimacy outside of the relationship. BTW I have no problem with this.
So…if one has to stay for whatever reason how does it all work?I am trying to work all that out Catherine. If I figure it out I will tell you. I take it day by day and see what I feel like and then, that’s what I do and how I handle it. Of course, I have 2 kids in the house and that forces time together and family time and such. I sleep by myself.
I will go with him on short trips for shopping and I walk the dogs with him. I mainly pay attention to myself at this point. I talk if feel like it and I don’t if I can’t.
He’s lucky to be here and I keep that forefront in my mind.
But even if you are living in the same house and sleeping in separate rooms but still have some feelings for them isn’t it almost impossible not to want to sneak into their room?
Mine was short lived about 5 months and I found it very confusing, mixed emotions constantly, periods of pure fear, frustrating, you name it….for me it was hard. Then he threw me out and changed the locks. The best gift he ever gave me. I’m still working on my book ‘Hotel Living’.
He threw you out NAP???? What an f’wit. But as you say he did you a favour. Will look forward to the book. Just make sure the E book is available in Australia.
You can work out living arrangements however is most comfortable for you Catherine. Just decide what you need and how you are comfortable. If you try something and it doesn’t work then change it.
I was in the same house with my ex for nearly 5 months after Dday, sleeping in another room. I was so overwhelmed with PTSD that all I thought about at night was that he was going to kill me while I slept (he had destroyed everything else, I was all that was still standing). Only with a self-hypnosis audio file that my therapist made for me was I able to get any sleep. I don’t know how long I went without sleep. It was terrible. And I had to get up and preach every Sunday. So I can’t even imagine wanting to sneak into his room at night, unless I was carrying the trusty flat head.
LOL Nap..
Catherine, we’ve been separated for about 18 months, but the last eight months he’s been away at vet school. Which I gotta say is the biggest blessing ever (thank you, God, for the timing!) because I have no idea what I’d be doing right now otherwise. I can’t imagine being in the same house with him right now. Maybe not ever. Even if they’re on perfect behavior, I don’t see how we can get clarity if they’re in the same house. Or how we can try to remember who *we* are, because years of living with narcissists..which most of them seem to be.. really erodes away at our own sense of self. But that’s just my take on it, because I didn’t realize all those years that I was sort of disappearing into him. xoxo
Just had this mental picture of dressing up and going on a date while my husband looks out the window. How about asking the SA what he thinks of your E-Harmony matches? Would this be appropriate?
We had several versions of this over a 20 year period. After discovery of 8 years of lying, he moved into the little cottage in the back we had been working on for years. He had a bathroom. Came into main house for kitchen use. We just shared raising kids type chores.
He was acting out the whole time and I knew it. I was a wreck. He was paying for things as Saul – think he felt guilty as hell, didn’t stop him. He started drinking again. Got DUII.
He paid for my therapy for about 2 years. I was a basket case. Just focused on keeping things stable for kids. Told them we were separated/ Did not utter a peep as to why. Just told work friends. That resulted in them having less confidence in me and rightly so. Did I say I was a mess?
Decided stable income was a good thing while I figured out next step. Never slept with him. Never dated. Just worked on property business in Calif, home life and some RN work as fill in staff.
Did not have good therapy for specific problem but had therapists trying to help me focus on me and what else he might do that could bring the whole family down, including financial. Went to two rounds of group therapy and two therapists. Was dissociative a lot.
Right when I decided to pursue divorce, I had a weak moment, slept with him and decided to give him another chance. How I could do that knowing he acted out for two years – I don’t know. It must be a refection of betrayal bond or financial fear or pity for addict or all of the above. Stockholm Syndrome? I gave my energy to supporting him and our marriage. Many feared for me. All who did were right. As you may know, for all the love I gave, I suffered beyond my wildest imagination at his hands.
No good deep goes unpunished?
Think twice. Think thrice. Know I understand why people stay.
Catherine,
I just thought you comment about looking for intimacy outside the marriage was- not sure the right word- cute? It caught me off guard, is all, but in a good way.I lived with my STBX for 6.5 years after he was identified as a sex addict. We slept in the same bed because I didn’t want the kids to know anything was wrong. On the surface, everything was “normal” but underneath, it was anything but. It was one big mindfuck- him pretending to be in recovery, me feeling like something was off and second-guessing myself, our marriage counselors participating in the gaslighting. I was trying to repair a marriage and my trust in him while he was sneaking out, saying he was going to see a patient and going to orgies. He gaslighted the hell out of me- he swore he was in recovery, hardly even had urges, went to his meetings, held my hand when I was triggered and said he was so sorry- all the while he hadn’t missed a beat in acting out.
I learned to find emotional support, contentment and validation with my friends and my kids. I found ways to fulfill myself that had nothing to do with him. I think I was naturally doing what we encourage people to do here- detach. I stopped talking to him about anything emotional. I learned not to let him bait me into an argument or not to be reactive to his “stuff”. I occasionally checked his email but very rarely (didn’t matter anyway because he had secret accounts). But it was not happy. I kept telling myself that as long as we were making progress, I would hang in there. I couldn’t ask him to progress any faster than he was able- that wouldn’t be fair. He was trying, he loved me, he wanted the family together- that should be enough. Until I found out it was all a lie.
That’s my deciding to stay story.
Mine has been sleeping in the guest bedroom downstairs since early November. Kids only asked once early on why and we said it was b/c of Daddy’s knees (he has arthritis in his knees and complains all the time about having to walk up a flight of stairs). We still do some things together like have dinner as a family a few nights, we sometimes watch tv or a movie together. Most nights, I go up to bed and play word games (right, Bev & Penny?!) or watch You Tube videos on my Kindle. On the surface, it works fine b/c we get along pretty well. Sometimes feel lonely in my own home when I say goodnight and walk upstairs and think…”this is what my marriage has become” – we really are just like roommates. Perhaps it’s pretty telling that I don’t really miss “him”, I miss “us”. I know this solution is not good for me or the kids long-term but for now, I’m giving myself permission to take the “wait & see” approach.
Don’t you ever want to lay down a word like “asshole” or “douchebag”? Or, maybe more discretely, “addict” or “cheat”?
I guess we all do what we have to at the time. Bev do your children ask why you don’t sleep with your husband?
Teri I am not a prude!They don’t Catherine because even before I knew anything about SA …He snored and our marriage was being chipped away ETC…Anyway I used to get up and go sleep downstairs or I would make him move some nights. They understood the snoring because he really does and we have recorded him and laughed. They are at an age where they do not pay much attention to things that are not about them. We go to bed later and get up earlier so they don’t even always know. My son also had a bad knee injury last year and someone had to sleep with him for months ( he was on meds and could not get up by himself for a long time). He is 12 and still asks to sleep with one of us from time to time. We let him at times so no one thinks too much about it at this time. I realize it is not natural but it’s all I’ve got right now.
Catherine, apparently not! 🙂
I think it was just the proper way you put it? I don’t why, Catherine, but it tickled my funny bone. I hope you don’t mind. It’s really is wonderful to get to know new people and see their personalities unfold over time. And I love when people catch me off guard with some new facet of themselves.
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