- This topic has 37 replies, 14 voices, and was last updated 14 years, 2 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
My SA claims that he cannot remember things that I find hard to believe. Granted many of these incidents were years ago, but can you really forget why you were with someone making out in their car (an aquaintance, not a friend that he would be out and about with) – where were you going? I need to understand the circumstances that led to sex. Can you forget whether you had sex with someone or just made out? Can you forget whether you had an ongoing flirtation with some of these partners or just an incident? Has anyone’s therapist addressed this issue? Has anyone used hypnosis or lie detector tests?
There are a couple of kinds of “forgetting” with an SA, in my experience. One kind is really lying, because they don’t want you to know the truth. The other kind, which my SA does at least as often, maybe more, is the kind of “forgetting” where you have lied so often that you simply cannot remember what you said….lies upon lies are too much to keep track of.
intothelight, (LOVE your avatar),
Ironically, he only lied to me once. I never had reason to ask him questions because I suspected nothing. My daughters and I often teased him when he tried to lie about silly things like who ate the last cookie, etc, because he was so bad at it. I waited up for him and asked why he got home so late one night 23 years ago and didn’t completely buy his answer, but I was 9 months pregnant with a two year old and a 1 year old and a full time job and thought “nah…not possible – not him!” That was the only time there was something to question because he was extremely careful from then on to avoid being asked anything because he is not a good liar. When life calmed down a bit I did revisit that night twice over the years. The last time, a year ago, I demanded an answer that made sense to me and said I was sure he must have kissed her and that is when the walls started to crumble and my life changed forever that night. It turned out to be his first extra-marital encounter and he was out of control from then on. Oh how I wish I could have a do-over of that night 23 years ago.So, now he tells me that there is nothing that he can remember that I don’t know and I can’t believe him. Over the first several months after the initial disclosure he would insist that there was nothing else to tell, I wouldn’t believe him, and sure enough there was more. Nothing new has surfaced in months, but I can’t believe that you can forget about cheating. I’m considering a lie detector test, but we don’t have $500 to throw around and if it isn’t acurate it could make things worse.
My ex was (is) also bad at lying, though he did it all the time. My avatar actually kinda looks like what HE looks like when he’s telling a doozer……he was always much better at sneaking and omitting than outright to-my-face lying.
I also don’t see how you could truly forget about cheating.
Funny! Thats what mine looks like when he’s telling a stupid lie about something insignificant. I always ask him why he bothers.
I think its called “forgetting out of convenience”, its sorta kinda like “lying out of convenience”. They are masters at it along with the fake charm they use to seduce their victims including us.
Yeah…sneaking and omitting works better for my husband as well, along with minimizing, sanitizing, and half truths.
Hi there
Not sure if anyone can relate, but I think when SA’s are trying to be sober–or are supposed to be in recovery, they suddenly get selective memory. Suddenly – they don’t know if they slept with them or made out with them–. They don’t want to know. The want to block it out and pretend all is fine- they are better now. Like it never happened. What are we complaining about? See, they weren’t really that bad after all. It’s just minimizing at best.
I totally relate. That’s what he tells me – he can’t go back there. He says if it was reversed he would only want to know that all is well NOW. He will not live long enough to have the opportunity to find out how he would feel if he discovered that 23 plus years of his life were a lie and how obsessed with the truths he would be.
Dear Lylo
To a certian degree, I get the “we can’t change the past” thing and all we have is now and the future, that actually is true. But what they don’t understand, is the time we have put in. It is like being let out of prison for a crime we did not commit after many years served- they can never give us back the years. It’s like the evidence finally piled up enough for our spouses to get caught- so to speak. Then we realized we were doing time for a crime we did not commit. We cooked, we cleaned, we reared kids, we stayed faithful, if that isn’t four walls of some kind I don’t know what is. Thing is – we did the time willingly thinking they were “good husbands.” Truth be told, they were the worst in many ways. It’s horrible. While I think forgiveness and healing can be ideal for us to move on, consequences for their actions will not be acquiesed so easily. They are accountable. Until they own it, live it, and hang with it, justice is just not served. Tension and trouble will continue. I live with injustice. But one day, I believe it will come.
I was just getting ready to reply with them having selective memory, (how convenient for them) and Pam beat me to it.
Steve cannot tell a lie unrelated to his addiction without being obvious he is lieing – he is an open book. If he is confronted about anything related to the addiction, he can lie like a trooper, and noone would never know he is lieing – except me. He can still fool me occasionally, but I have spent a lot of time watching his body language, eye contact, changes in personality, etc., and have learned to pick up on it pretty well. I also think the selective memory involves them picking and choosing just how much, if anything they want to disclose to us when caught in a lie.
After reading “21 ways to tell if someone is lieing”, the best indicator with Steve is his right pupil dilates when he is lieing. I would say it is 98% accrurate. This blows his mind, because he has not been able to beat it – better than a lie detector test, and a lot cheaper. For those of you who have not read any of my posts – Steve lied on a lie detector test and beat it. The only factor that might distort the results is to make sure the the eye is not reacting to light when you are asking the question.Ya, Pam-c, My SA is still not owning it, living it, or hanging with it!!
Men, not just SAs, can compartmentalize…put things in a mind box….out of the way. I wish I could do that.
Men, not just SAs, can compartmentalize…put things in a mind box….out of the way. I wish I could do that.
I get the past versus the future in intellectual terms. But past predicts future behavior. What you are doing now is different, but what you did over the past 20 years was something else. They have to do the work and make the effort. They can’t just point to the meeting schedule and say “see I went the therapy this week and my meeting”. I say so what if nothing has changed. It does not matter.
One post commented on the lies. I think that is a good point. I do think that they have told so many lies, and one leads to other, etc etc. who knows what is real anymore.
And you know what he does need to drag it up and he does need to tell. Who cares if it hurts him. If it is waht you ask, then he needs to do it. Because you would not ask if you did not want to hear it.
I asked my husband when his sobriety date is and he replied December 10th. I was shocked. He had just moved back home and forgot to tell me he lost his sobriety! That was a promise he had made to me that he would tell me when his sobriety was broken. I can’t believe he just moved home and did this again. I’m so sick of the lies. And of course he said he thought he had told me. I know I would have remembered this. Especially since this was a week before our daughters college graduation. This really stinks.
sometimes I think if we did a MRI of their brain, it would look like scrambled eggs. all lumpy and not connected in the right places…
I grew up with 3 brothers so I knew they were different. Then add SA to the male brain and then, you know, it ain’t pretty…
into a zillion little pieces and then they say stuff like: ” I dont remember”, “I wasnt staring at her boobs”, ” I had sex with her but I didnt kiss her”, “I had my eyes closed so I didnt see anything”, and blah, blah, blah, and more B.S. Sorry getting a bit slap happy and venting at the same time…
Nap – Vent! That’s what we do here, right?
To all,
Yeah, I am grateful that my SA has completely owned it and tries to articulate the many ways that he has hurt me all of the time. He is in alot of pain – consumed with remorse really. That does help me to heal and I wish that for all of you. You all absolutely deserve it and I don’t know how I could abide being here (in another bedroom) if not for that. If he acted out again, I would be SO done. He has said that he would rather shoot himself in the head than engage in those behaviors again. I do believe that he believes that. Jeanne, I’m so sorry that he didn’t follow through on such a crucial promise. That has to knock you off your axis.The missing piece for me is absolute and complete disclosure and not sure if that exists with these guys. Sharron’s post about her experience with a lie detector test is demoralizing. I don’t know what other tool we have.
I am convinced that especially the acting out, with prostitutes, escorts, friends, work colleagues and strangers are etched into their brains. They must have been filled with excitement beforehand, getting the high which gives them the buzz they need and seek. Even if the sexual encounter was nothing like what they expected it to be, it would be remembered, indeed, maybe even more so because of the shame and disappointment.
If they say that they can’t remember, it’s simply because they fear the consequences. That’s my take on it.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.