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It has been over a year since my dday. My h started seeing a csat 10 months ago, I am seeing a csat in the same office.
It is 3 hrs away so we do 2 hours each at a time (so 4 hours charge every time). Out of network, and double sessions. It’s a lot of money.
His therapist keeps saying he is getting ready for full disclosure. My h (who stopped going in Aug, but went back last Friday) insists I know it all, and that this is taking too long, thinking they are ripping us off. I like them, but they pressure us to pay every time we are there. we are easily over $5 grand already.for those of you who have had disclosure with a therapist, approx. how many visits did it take you?
JoAnn~ I know it is hard to comment given the circumstances. And maybe my h is so hard headed that it will take forever. But could he be right that we are being ripped off? At this rate disclosure will be after we get divorced.
I also like them because that is how I found you! I think they are legit….
thanks
HeidiWe were going for double sessions weekly to a CSAT for about 4 or 5 months. However I think it only even happened the. Because I was insistent that we have full disclosure within the next month or I was DONE. You may need to put your foot down.
Hi Heidi,
This sounds very strange. If your husband says he has told you everything then why is his therapist saying that he is ‘getting ready’ for disclosure?
I do feel that a lot of therapists waste a lot of our time and money with theoretical junk that just doesn’t help either us or the SA.
It does seem unethical that this is all being dragged out especially when these visits are not covered by insurance. But, it also sounds as if your husband is not being truthful either.
I would schedule ONE visit with your husband’s counselor, and both of you go and YOU need to ask a couple of hard questions.
1. According to the therapist’s sessions with your husvand, has your husband told you everything? Since your husband is right there with you, he can give his persission for the therapist to tell you whatever you ask. If you don’t get that permission then don’t waste your money on any more counseling–find a good divorce attorney.
2. Do they do polygraph testing? If so, what is the cost and how is it performed? If not, can they recommend someone?
Then you need to state very clearly that there is no more money for any more sessions until you get a full disclosure and that you want this disclosure done NOW.
You may find out that your husband is not telling you everything about his sessions or the disclosure. But, there is no reason to drag this out. Apparently you are ready, and, IF your husband is telling you the truth, then there is no reason to wait.
I’m just afraid that there is more to this story than what your husband is telling you. If not, then get the disclosure done and go forward from there.
I think a polygraph is always necessary to validate the disclosure. Without it the SA will always hold back something. I have heard several stories of ‘last minute confessions’ right before they walk in to take the polygraph. Most SA’s will hold back some of their secrets until they are absolutely forced to reveal them.
It sounds as if your husband is trying to weasel out of all of this by saying you are getting ripped off. It’s a nice smoke screen, but don’t fall for it.
Opinions given with love.
Hugs to you, Heidi. ~ JoAnn
I never got the full disclosure. He was supposed to have been working on it, but when it came down to actually presenting it he backed out. I am guessing it was somewhere around nine months after the discovery that we were arranging for the disclosure. He indicated that he had something like 20 pages written. This freaked me out because he kept telling me that he has already shared everything that he had done with me. He was arrogant about the need to disclose, but would do it because that is what both of our counselors suggested. I am thinking I sure don’t know 20 pages worth of acting out. When the time came for him to disclose he cried and told me that he was afraid that I would leave him if he went through with the disclosure. I told him that I did not know what I was going to do but that I havent left him yet so that was pretty good indication that I would not. All of these discussion were taking place over the telephone because he was working in a different state at the time. The disclosure was going to be during a conference call with his therapist and mine. The reason that it was going to be handled during a conference call instead of in person was because he had originally kept putting it off. I was at my bottom line and needed some transparency. He could not take the time to fly home because of work schedules. The next thing I know he is calling me and crying again telling me that he can’t do the disclosure. He tells me that he is really not a sex addict and that he has nothing to tell me. He is afraid that I will leave him because after everything he has put me through with the sex addiction excuse, he actually is not a sex addict. At this point I am at my wits end. I am totally freaking out. I am screaming and asking him what the FFFF is he talking about? Is he a Sex Addict or not? What has he done? What is he doing to me? I am totally freaked out at this point. I call my theraspist and tell her what he has shared with me. My therapist has met with him several times. She has supported him and has been encouraging with his recovery. She has been working on helping me to understand SA and be patient with his recovery. When I shared with her what was happening I think she was at her wits end as well. She told me that she was going to call his therapist and speak directly to him and that she would call me back as soon as she could. She knew that I was at a breaking point and asked me to hold tight and she promised to get back with me that evening. It was around 11:30 in the evening when she finally was able to get back with me. She had spoken to his counselor and confirmed that he was indeed a sex addict. She said that she did not know if there was going to be anything in the disclosure that I don’t already know, but that he was still not ready to share it with me.
I never did get the full disclosure. Only that he swears that he has told me everything. The reality is that at this point it really does not matter if I know everything. I know enough. What I do know is this: He did not appear to me to be in a sincere recovery. Everything that I read and learned about what recovery looks like, is not what I was seeing. I still to this day wish that he could provide what I need so that I can believe in him. It is so hard not to wonder if I am just expecting to much. My gut tells me that I am not expecting to much. My gut tells me that something is not right. I have to believe in that!!!!!
You are quite literally waiting around sick to your stomach to see if a maker or breaker bomb is going to drop. What if something the SA has to say is a deal breaker? You’ve been wasting your money, your time and most importantly your emotions.
Why why why can’t they understand that it us the secrets that make our relationships so hopeless. I had several disclosures with no rhyme or reason to the order they were given. They weren’t in chronological order or degree of heinousness. He says we have been over it enough and He has nothing else to share with me. Our therapist told him that this is his doing and if I need him to tell me soMething a thousand times, then he owes me a thousand answers. I even wrote him a detailed letter asking that he simply sit down with me and talk about it one last time and let me ask whatever I need to and let me put it to bed. He swears hE can’t remember anything but you would think that a man so desperate to work it out would just take my hand and gently ask me what I want to know even if it means repeating himself when I have made it so clear that there aren’t any deal breaking facts – he can’t change what happened, just deal breaking silence. I just want intimacy and I’ll never have it with someone who won’t talk to me. He screwed around with my friends and it feels like he’s protecting them when he won’t fully expose them. The facts are painful but the silence makes me go ballistic. What do you do when they swear that they don’t remember??
I guess it depends on what they claim not to remember. SA’s with a long history are bound to forget things or fine details of thse things. However major things and more recent things don’t fall in this catagory. Someone, even a SA can legitimatly forget. However “I don’t know” and “I don’t remember” seems to also be the number 1 lie they tell when they are trying to avoid answering the question.
Kim, I hate that he gets rewarded with a pass because he let this go on for so many years. Seems like if u can remember basketball scores, tennis matches, etc then your dangerous liasons would certainly rate as significant enough be etched into memory. I have suggested hypnosis but I don’t know if that would be beneficial.
I know, this is jaded but, I don’t believe we ever get full disclosure. they lie. to themselves, to us, to their therapists. take the basics of what you know, x it by 100, and figure you are in the ballpark.
I never got one. My h stood by his inital claim of about 5 minutes a day once or twice a week…LOL. However the atctivities i monitored were two hours for two days in a row in the care of our daughter. Soooooo do i beleive his statement at all…NO. He’s a complete liar. However if he told me the truth, i am sure i would have kicked him out forever the day i found out. However that is never there mo is it??? Its lie and see what you can get away with. Because in reality we don;t know. And i did not know. Because if i did, i would have hauled it out in court.
I get angry and upset again just thinking about it. Geez.
Oh wrote on the topic. My Sa, before the split, had been going to therapy for about 9 months. I did not get an official disclosure. I asked questions and he answered. since his therapist never asked or said a word, according to him, i asked him to write me a disclosure. which was almost word for word what i told him to write, and what the examples were in the book. His second therapist did not tell him to write a disclosure either. I asked him to write his history, never got it. Never heard of any 1st step either. Never heard nothing excelpt a few minutes of porn a week.
but this is what i think. I think i only grazed the surface. and i think that every one including me, know the same thing. In that way, his acting out, was not more as far as me and all the professionals are concerned.
Ya know what really cracks me up? Is everyone assumes that if they have not told the therapist, then it did not happen. No affairs, because he did not tell his therapist. Really??? Sorry buddy, but he won;t tell you. He thinks he is fine.
Flora —
Oh how true, Flora, on just grazing the surface. YOu are fortunate I believe, to have read the signs, stop digging for more bones, and have got out. well done.
I also agree how if they don’t fess up to their therapist, well, then it must not have happened, bologne. Do you know, that we saw one marriage counseler for 18 months, and 2 others prior to that for long intervals of time, and he never confessed he was an SA or cheated at all, until year 9? All that time he sat in therapy never telling what he was doing. Talk about a little omission.
I am just not that impressed with therapists. just not.
Hi Pam-C,
Well i think the therapist all assume that if you are attending therapy, then you must want to get better. but therapy is dependent on the words that come out or not come out of their mouths.
We went to couples therapy too, for about a year, prior to marriage. And you guessed it never spoke a word. Not about his pot smoking at the time or his sex addiction.I don’t necesarily think its the therapist, however they do need to broaden their horizons and realize that not everyone is telling the truth, and my h is a VERY VERY good liar.
Don’t worry. No wounds tramatically opened. My heart just raced a bit. But you know what, it reminds me why i am divorcing. I never would have made it, if i was not. It reminds me what my life with an SA would be like. The sorrow, the doubt, the lies. Its a good reminder 🙂
Unless one has a sobriety and recovery that they ate devoted to and want badly for themselves, I think full disclosure is highly unlikely.
If they are in full addiction anything goes, they don’t care as long as the get the next high. Full disclosure if it exists, wont be sincere until they really want to.
I never got one because he wasn’t even able to get sober let alone recover. Plus I never wanted one. How tall does the shit pile have to be before we realize it’s all shit and it stinks.
Love, Nap
Ah NAP, It’s true. If it’s an ever-increasing pile o’crap… what’s the point? Cut and run like the wind. If the SA is in sincere recovery, then there is hope for relationship. Only though, if intimacy can be restored. That requires an end to secrets and mutuaL trust in each others ability to accept whatever reality is and love each other through it. So rare, unfortunately.
Okay, I’ve said this before and I agree with Pam–WHOLEHEARTEDLY. There is no such thing as “full disclosure.” I was WITH a sex addict. (unfortunately) I learned all of his tricks. Its the small but disgusting details, that he will NEVER divulge because first of all, he doesn’t even remember them, or doesn’t deem them to be of any great consequence and doesn’t understand why its so bad, or knows it was really bad, but will never tell you the real deal breakers. And besides, if he’s been acting out for 30 years, how is it even remotely possible that he can tell you ALL, much less stop?
He can’t.
You will never hear the things he said to the women to seduce them, and his excuses, and how he told them he loved them, and that his wife was a cold, frigid bitch who had “abandoned” him and was making his life a living hell…
but you, “Laurel… ahhh… your words, your listening are like an eyes shut cup of fresh, cool water in a hot eternal desert.”
(and no… that was not predator but the snaky narc composer who preceded him.)
And WHY do that to yourselves? please don’t. Its bad. its really, really, really bad. If you are divorcing. Just keep working on yourselves. Forget his shit.
He’s sick.
He will never make sense.
He will always hurt, because that’s his MO in life, but he does not know that he hurts, anymore than a mosquito does. There is no cure. You can’t help him and God can’t help him either, because he has no fucking SOUL! He gave his away and now is seeking to rob yours to use for himself!
The only possibility to free oneself from the bondage of this crazy life is to LEAVE, no matter what lame promises come foaming out of his fucked up mouth for the millionth time…
he can’t.I HATE the term move on…
I say… move forward… move into a safe place where he can’t hurt you. (as much, anyway).
all said with love.
L
Lylo,
I agree, in recovery there can be no more secrets otherwise it’s all for not. About your h “inability to remember”, how convenient. They remember and likely still fantasize to it. It’s really all just a bottomless pit.
Love, NapI KNOW, NAP. How convenient. The therapist said they actually don’t remember alot but, come on.
Karen, there has been a lot of discussion about polygraph here and it would be awful to get a false positive/negative. That said, I have to say that my h is actually a bad liar. He never had to lie to me about direct questions because I completely trusted him and I only asked about one incident
our while marriage. It turns out it was the first thing that ever happened and the answer I never quite bought and questioned him about 23 years later which brought down the whole house of cards. He learned never again to put himself in the position of being questioned. Therefore, polygraph might work. He’s agreed to it but I’m so damned cheap and want to find the right person the first time. XO. How are you??
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