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I’m having a talk with my h tonight after the kids go to bed. This will be our first major one since I kicked him out in Jan and he has been back (aside from the other night but not a lot got settled). I had a female therapist who supposedly specialized in sa. I saw her alone for 9 mos until I kicked my h out in Jan 2011 then he and I began seeing her together for 2-3 months. I just never felt she was anymore insightful than what I had learned about sa on my own online but h seemed comfortable with her although I never expected him to want to talk to a female. I prefer a counselor who is more direct, and ‘in your face’ so to speak. Someone who will come right out and not just nod when h says ‘I really think I have a handle on this pa stuff’. Nodding is not the preferred rebuf I would like to see!! I’m telling him tonight he’s GOING to go back to the dr as I demanded in Jan 2011 but didn’t clarify back then to continue long term with it. So my question is how much do I have a say, as a wife who is trying to support her h’s pa treatment, in who his counselor is? Or do I only have a say when it’s couple counseling? I know it’s his addiction but if I don’t think our last counselor was as in depth as she could’ve been do I have a right to say we need a new one?
Hi For Now,
I think your question is a great one. Therapist have different styles, some are more interactive and verbally reflective and therapeutic, others just nod and their method is free association, with the intent as you hear yourself you’ll come to more awareness. IMO, the first method is better for SA. It’s my choice even for my own therapy. A really good therapist is a rare find but they are out there.Regarding your question. This is your life and if you think this therapist is ineffective, don’t use her. I think you have the right to approve who he goes to. After all you have been through you don’t want to waste any more of your life on stuff that is worthless. Days turn into months, months into years. I think you do what is best for you, always!
Love, Nap
PS he needs someone more assertive and challenging so he won’t be able to manipulate. Because they will try to.
A lot of therapists are person-centered, which means they adhere to a philosophy of “unconditional positive regard.” This works for many clients, this exceptionally safe environment and the non-confrontational approach of the counselor. But I don’t think it works for couples dealing with SA. The SA needs to be held accountable and called on his shit. He needs to meet expectations. He needs to repair damage. He needs a therapist who keeps the injured spouse in mind in all ways. Or the marriage cannot be repaired. I think we have a right to demand whatever we need to stay in the sham marriage if we’re to attempt to transform it into a real marriage. If your husband says, “You don’t get to choose my therapist,” just say, “Fine. Your therapist, your life, I’m outta here.”
I’ve been googling csat’s in my area and found one who has 21 yrs personal recovery behind him and his stance is being positive yet holding the addict accountable. That really jumped out at me. I emailed his office and found him through Psychology Today via my zip code. The first one we used in 2010 was too ‘mr rogers, mr smiling’ for my h taste plus he had a chip on his shoulder at that time too! The female I use frustrates me sometimes bc she listens too much and I need interaction, if that makes sense. I warned her h would bs her and she assured me that she could spot it. As I gave up on counseling in Apr and needed the mental break from it she told me that h was close to picking a sponsor from his mens sa group and he was really taking it seriously. Like I told her, saying he’s close and actually picking one are two different things. He never went back due to our daughters sports as he helps coach but the bottom line is there are other mens sa groups that meet at other places in this large city we live in. He stopped making it a priority. He reminds of our dog with the buzz collar…..he doesn’t respond unless I hit the button……..uugghhh!!!
for-now it is frustrating when they don’t follow through. My ha has only gone to the therapist once since July. We are thousands of dollars into this and he just shrugs it off now. He is too busy at work, too much money for gas….(it is 3 hrs. away) just no time. However he signed my daughter up for club volleyball, didn’t check with me, did it when he was out of town. She is thrilled and she made the premier team but…..we will spend a lot of time and money on gas, hotels, etc.
and he can justify that. Anything for sports, he obsesses.
FN – I think it should be someone you are both comfortable with. SA’s, of course, would prefer a therapist who coddles them. I’m not sure that’s the most effective approach though! My H’s therapist widens her eyes and drops her jaw a lot. lol And then she has her, “don’t you just think you’re the shit” look. I’m actually suprised my H agreed to keep going back.
I don’t think a “I want to pick your therapist” approach is a good one by any means. But I do think you reasonably expecting that you are both comfortable matters and is not asking too much.
Hi For Now,
I think any therapist who coddles a SA is a complete waste of time and money. These guys do NOT like to be called on their BS. The more assertive the counselor the sooner you find out if he is walking the walk or just talking the talk? With the things he says I suspect the latter but what you really need to understand is this can go on and on and on. It really isn’t that difficult to sit in a men’s group once a week and with a therapist for an hour. That still leaves many many hours for them to be who they are and many do just that. ANY person who really wants help, SA or otherwise….seeks that help out? They do not need to be pushed, nagged whatever….they do it themselves. However, when the person’s agenda is NOT help or change BUT maintaining the status quo….well then they can go round and round and round in circles without EVER reaching the finish line and by default so will you.I think as wives (myself included) we are simply too much talk and not enough walk ourselves? We threaten,cajole, leave, come back, throw them out, let them back in, are horrible to them, are nice to them, vacilate endlessly, accept the crumbs they throw, try to do ALL the work of a marriage single handedly ect ect ect. And we ask questions like do i have the “right” to ask for what I need? This is your husband and he betrays you and makes you unhappy. This is your life and he is using it up. You have EVERY RIGHT in my opinion? He also has the right to not follow through but at least then you know where you stand?
Karen xxI love so much of what Karen said.
“They do not need to be pushed, nagged whatever….they do it themselves.”
Amen.
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