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Hi Sisters,
How someone treats us tells us a lot. It tells us if they value us or not. How people treat themselves tells us how much they value themselves. If a person is self destructive, not only do they not value themselves but they are likely incapable of valuing others.How we are being treated is so important. Are their behaviors towards us positive or negative? We don’t want to be around people who do not value and respect us.
So true….
The problem that many of grapple with is the Dr. Jekyll treats us with love and kindness (at least mine does), and Mr. Hyde is an self-centered, lying asshole. It’s hard to live with SAHs because you never know who you are going to get on any given day. Today I have Dr. Jekyll – who keeps telling me how much he loves me, how wonderful I am, and what can he do to help me…. I kept telling him, nothing – I just need to “work my program” (which translates to: value myself, stop being fearful of being alone and kick my SAH out the door). I hope that Monday I love myself enough and have the courage to do that.
Deb
I have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and understand what you mean Deb. I think one mistake I have made is treating him like or thinking that the REAL one is Dr. Jekyll. Mr. Hyde is just as real, and the damage he does doesnt really seem worth what I get from Dr. Jeykll. For example, Im not the type to marry for money, but if I was I would say that there is NO amount of $$ that would be worth the treatment I have gotten. Not even if my husband was Warren Buffet! In the same way, Im not sure the nice side of the coin is wonderful enough. In fact, I KNOW it isnt. So what I NEED is the complete and total annihilation of Mr. Hyde!! Nothing less….Wow, thanks for getting me clear. That is exactly what I need. There is no acceptable percentage of Mr. Hyde.
So either my husband wipes Mr. Hyde from the planet or I need to wipe him (my husband) from my life!What do you do when inside you feel like you are dealing with Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, but you second-guess yourself? You know, like you think to yourself, ‘I’m just being hyper-sensitive, I’m expecting too much, I’m overly-attuned to every nuance and inflection of his voice…’ I struggle with this so much, and feel so torn in half a lot of the time. It’s like I feel that my impressions don’t have value simply because they’re mine. I don’t have an abusive childhood or anything like that to blame this on. Though Catholic school in the 60s and 70s farked with my head like nobody’s business. But I can’t seem to trust myself and I get myself tied up in knots going back and forth in my head. xoxo
Dear Annie, I am just beginning to realize how all of this has effected my self confidence and how much I trust my judgement. I think that is one of the results from the blame and gaslighting being done to normal people who are introspective and accountable. Its a mind fuck–excuse the expression.
Thank you, Bonnie. My second-guessing habit pre-dates being with my h, but I think you must be right, that the whole surrealness of finding out about his SA must have exacerbated it. On the one hand, he’s in recovery, going to therapy, and seems to be trying. And he *says* a lot of the right things, and can frequently be very introspective, so sometimes I think I must be expecting too much. But at the same time, I was never what you’d call a ‘high-maintenance’ woman in the past, yet here I am now, wanting him to be a certain way all the time, getting angry when he isn’t, then in kinder moods realizing that he’s only human too, and back and forth and back again. I think it was Karen who said a while ago to think about what it feels like when dealing with our SAs, that it feels like getting punched in the gut over and over. And even with that good advice, I still second-guess myself, asking myself, ‘Am I just way too prone to feel like I’m getting punched in the gut? Is there no pleasing me?’ Arrghh.. I get myself caught in an endless loop of glop. xoxo
Annie and Bonnie – I’m right there with ya sisters….if we only know when Mr. Hyde was around – we could leave town. I think the key thing is when we see Mr. Hyde, we seriously should not engage with him – no talking, no reasonsing, no crying, no flailing. Walk away like you are in a playground with a bully. With an addict is in recovery – there should be more Dr. Jekyll’s than Mr. Hyde’s – and much more over time. That’s how you know that they are in recovery. One will NEVER be or feel completely safe with an addict, IMO, even 20 years into recovery – so if you can’t live with that, then time to bail.
Now – the PDs are another story. I don’t have much experience with them but from what I read they are more problematic.
I hear you about the back and forths – we just don’t want to be living this nightmare and want it to go away tomorrow. Sadly, that isn’t going to happen no matter how much we flail, wish, pray, coherse, cry, focus, manipulate, give “safety lists”, etc.
Deb xxx
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