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Nap – you “dislike” him…you should fucking hate him! I thought my h was bad for buying his whore a used car but a house? and a motorcycle?
Bev – you don’t need to explain your choices – I was just trying to say that being in limbo about whether to stay or go can be so difficult.
Thanks, Penny! I have my moments of extreme sadness & anger but I would say the good moments outweigh the bad ones so for now, that is enough.
bev, it will all become clear to you in time. help yourself though, honey. don’t worry about helping him, no one but he can do that. you know i say this with love, and it’s just something to ponder. is it possible that leaving him would help him the most? i suspect with DW, that will be the event that TRULY makes him face himself. and i am helping him by helping myself. he will need to face his life on his own, without me as a cover. i believe nothing will help him more than that.
it may not be that way for your husband.
and staying with him may or may not help your kids. in my situation, leaving will initially hurt my son. but in the end, i think my living honestly will help my son more than staying.
again, bev, it may not be this way in your children’s cases.
i’m just suggesting, as gently as i can, that you should only stay for YOU. not for your husband. not for your kids. one could argue that staying is good for them. one can argue that leaving is good for them.
but it should be about you, dearest bev. about what is best for you. if you are fine, your kids will be fine. your H, well, who knows…
xoxo
I know Lisa. And do not worry about saying what you think to me. I would not post if I was going to get upset at the feedback 🙂
I am doing what is best for me at this moment. My H is doing all the good stuff. He gives me my space. He listens if I want to talk. He answers questions when I have them. He is doing almost all the “work” in the house. He is playing taxi for the kids. He is working very hard on building a good relationship with them. I have said before that my son will now go with dad and be happy without me there running interference. My son is a sharp cookie and if he goes willingly with Dad then I know Dad is being good. He is also a blabber mouth tattle tail 🙂
He is truly “working the program”. I just don’t think it is going to be good enough for me ever……
Maybe we will be able to go our separate ways someday in a peaceful manner. I just don’t know. In the meantime, I am legally protected and he can’t do much more to hurt me….
Word to the wise ( sisters that are considering staying):
While he is begging you to stay with his sorry ass, get everything you can legally signed over to you!! Money where mouth is and all.
great advice Bev
I understand your situation Bev. We do so much for our kids. This situation may not last forever but it is your situation now.
I had many “seasons” in the 20 years of involvement. 2 of those years were similar to what you are doing now. Why? Because I had 2 teenagers at home.
Oh, BTW. Now that they have grown…..the youngest said he was happy as a kid and teen. He said not involving him was the right thing to do. He thanked me for putting him and his brothers (one was away at college) first. He also is very sorry for what I went through. I also explained the type of therapy I got that kept me from processing the trauma and that is why I am struggling so much now.
We all have to make choices with the best information we had at the time.
Thanks Desiree. I try to be honest and make sense but sometimes my feelings are so scrambled that I don’t even know what I am trying to say 🙂
I do know that my kids need to hurdle on to a little more maturity and if I can give them that while H is “being good” then I will.
Bev, That’s great advice. In my experience I got aboutn2 weeks of sorrow before he went into jerk mode. I also want to say I totally relate to what you’re saying because I wanted it to work out so badly with my SA. I loved him, and I Was so hopeful that he would get better. In my case he became an asshole and never committed in any way to a recovery program. He shut me out completely. Even then, it was hard to leave, but I knew I had to. If I were in your shoes, with a husband seemingly doing everything right, I know I would have stayed. I would have struggled daily about the decision, but I would have stayed until I felt more clarity. Unfortunately for the majority of us, our SAs never really commit to recovery. They only commit to pretending to recover because they are used to living life as a facade.
It makes me cry Eliza. Such a pathetic waste….
I think my H knows that if he loses me then he will never be with anyone ( he never had a normal affair). He could fuck anything that walked for money or a bar one night stand but never committed to anyone. He also knows he has lost me. I think he is as sad as I am. He isn’t traumatized. He accepts that his behavior has gotten him where he is. He knows though because he knows me…..
I don’t trust that any of that lasts. I believe the monster still lurks. I think Karen had the best point that when things settle down and he isn’t afraid that you won’t go bat shit crazy and kill him or divorce him then they revert to the “fun stuff”. Everybody thinks that is the worst part…the fake recovery or reverting back to hookers ( aka slips). The worst has already been done. He cannot do anything worse at this point in my case anyway….
IDK, Bev, I do think they can do worse things – and I hope that is not the case with your h. There is so much of your story that is similiar to mine so I relate to a lot of what you say & the feelings you have. I believe my h. is sad and knows that he has betrayed me and he never had a “normal” affair – he only ever paid for it (as far as I know). In my case, though, I don’t think I’ve been as strong & clear-cut on my boundaries so he took full advantage of that and has continued to erode my trust in him that I’ll never believe what he says again.
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