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I everyone. I joined the group today and here is my story, This year I will have been married for 30 years. In 2009 I found our my husband was having an affair with a women. Things slowly unravelled and I found out he met this foul tart in a brothel where she worked at a filthy prostitute. Over a period of time I learnt that my husband had been frequenting brothels on a regular basis. I can only find evidence back to 2003 but that is only because I have found no phone or credit card statements beyond then. We went to several counsellors/psychologists that cost a fortune and proved fairly worthless. In February of last year I caught my husband in his brothel of choice. I was tracing his movements via his mobile phone. I sent him a text message ‘to get the fuck out of there’ and he did. I never told him how I knew I just said it was a hunch. He then found a counsellor specialising in sexual addiction and she was helpful. She was very optimistic about our marriage. My husband has had a fetish for older women which came about because when he was growing up (in a violent and disfunctional home) his mother would call him in while she was in the bath and ask him to wash her back. This hard wired his brain and from that point he masturbated thinking about older women who were the mothers of his friends and he has had a fantasy about an ex girlfriend’s mother that he masturbated to even while he was married to me. I also know that he has viewed mature porn.
All of this was never a part of my world. My father was a beautiful man and now I find myself confronted with such ugliness. I am not the person I used to be. I have distanced myself from friends and family. I have no confidence. I want to curl up in a foetal position and die. Seriously. If I could get terminal cancer that would be a good thing.
I am trying to make my marriage work but I can’t get over what has happened. I thought I had the perfect marriage but clearly it was far from that. My life is a sham.
I have read a few bits and pieces from forums and it seems that most of you have left your spouses. Can you please ell me why you don’t think you could have made it work. For those that have stayed and are happy in their marriages please tell me what you are doing to make it work.
Catherine,
First let me tell you how sorry I am for all that you are going through. It’s so devastating to find out your life is a sham and that it has been going on for so long. I hope you are seeing someone for the trauma that you have experienced and focusing on taking care of yourself.I am in the middle of divorcing my husband of 22 years. He was identified with sex addiction in 2005 and has faked recovery ever since. He admitted only to porn addiction and a “near miss” with a real woman that he didn’t go through with. We attended marriage counseling (which I know now was a very bad idea) and he went to 12 Step meetings usually twice a week. The counselors and I both thought he was in recovery from his porn addiction.
In Fall 2009, my teenaged son stumbled across evidence of his dad and another woman and I subsequently found evidence of orgies, prostitutes, swingers, contact with child molesters and other criminals, an email he sent to a prostitute while chaperoning a Boy Scout campout, etc. He was still in denial about what he had done, so I filed for divorce. He got a new sex addiction therapist, went to 12 step meetings every day (90 in 90), did intensives, etc. His therapist swore he was in recovery. And this summer I caught him again having orgies with people met on the internet.
So I thought I was making it work for many years, but I learned he just got better at lying and hiding it.
I’m not seeing anyone for the trauma. I live in Australia and I don’t think the resources are as good down here. The last counsellor I saw suggested I go and buy some new clothes and get my hair done. Nice. I am not unattractive and I dress stylishly. The one previous to that seemed more interested in hearing some of my husband’s acting out stories. If I could find a good counsellor I would certainly see them regularly but at this point I have wasted thousands of dollars and gained nothing.
I’ve heard Australia can be a problem…
Buy new clothes- that’s pretty bad. Although we have plenty of idiots in the US, too.I wonder if you could skype with a therapist in the US? I see my therapist that way- she’s in Illinois and I am in Texas. You’d have to figure out the time difference and all. What about POSARC? I don’t use them but a number of women here do.
Have you read Barbara Steffens’ book? There are also a number of workbooks for partners now. I haven’t used them, but maybe someone else here can recommend them?
So sorry, Catherine. Good help for this is hard to find almost wherever you are. The only CSATs in my area are at least an hour away which is not convenient when you homeschool like I do. It can be a 4 hour round trip if it is raining or traffic is heavy.
I’m glad you found us. I hope we can help.
Welcome allcat62 and thank you for sharing your story with us. As you get to know us better you will see that we are all in various stages of discovery, some of us are staying, some have left, some are in the process of leaving and some are trying to sort it all out so they can make a decision.
But we all share the bond of common experience and you will always find a lot of love, compassion, empathy, opinions, advice and caring among us.
It’s unfortunate that most of the counseling world does not understand this thing we call Sex Addiction and often their advice is more harmful to us than helpful. You will find many discussions about that here.
As for that elusive ‘those who stayed and are happy’ situation, we have yet to find any. We keep hoping, but none have shown up anywhere with their story. It’s just a sad, yet very revealing commentary on the problem.
We are all here for you, just let us know what you need.
Love and light for your journey ~ JoAnn
Hi and Welcome!
I cannot think how to make it work because after being deceived for 20 years, I have no idea why I should assume that he won’t do it again.
I am still with my H. He is doing well. I haven’t even thought of working on the relationship. He has a sponsor and some guys he knows thru meetings and my H says they are still married. I have not verified this independently and I have not spoken to the spouses so I don’t know if they are very happy or not.
Thanks for sharing your story. It’s hard and I am glad you found the sisterhood.
Oh yeah…Do not say that having terminal cancer would be a good thing. It would not. Your H may have totally ripped your life to shreds and I get that. You are alive and breathing. Don’t discount that. Please do not let a bunch of hookers and a sick man make you wish for a slow painful death. You said your father was a good man. Is that how he would want you to react? I bet he raised you better.
It hurts like hell and I have thought many times that death would be easier. Wrong line of thinking…..Don’t do it.
I think their (the SA’s) death would be easier…
I think it was NAP who said when she felt that way, she realized she didn’t really want to be dead, she just wanted the pain to end. There’s always more than one way to skin a cat. There’s cancer or there’s getting through this one day at a time, finding and building support for yourself and working at your healing (and not worrying about him). And there’s the flathead shovel way, too.
catherine,
if you go to the posarc site, lili does Skype counselling. she’s amazing. i’ll write more later, but i wanted to pass that on to you… love and light to you. we know how awful this stuff is, one small step at a time. xo
Thanks you all for replying to my post. Teri, I think I have read almost every book on the topic. In fact my Kindle library is largely made up of self help and information on the subject. I have not heard of Barbara Steffans workbook so I’ll look into that. Have been on the Posarc site and have been offered help. It is so good to be in contact with other women who have stories like mine. I have felt so alone. I know it sounds awful to want to die but I can’t see any happiness ahead. This is always going to be with me,
Hi Catherine,
We all wish the pain of this could go away, but there’s no magic pill that will make things all better. It’s really shitty what these men have brought into our lives. We feel your pain and are all moving forward one step at a time. Welcome to SOS.
AliDear Allcat62
I have been married to my SAH for 27 years. We were married after I had a four year old son from a previous relationship. He started physically abusing my son and unknown to me, grooming him to become like him. The first incident was when my cousin who was my bridesmaid came to our house with her boyfriend and it was to tell me that my husband tried to get hold of her in an inappropriate way. He then had an affair with my best friend. He and she were studying at the same Bible school to enter the full time pastoral ministry. They were then expelled and he was allowed after a year or two I think to complete his studies on a part time basis. Not a year went by that there was’nt some sort of surprise awaiting me. My pattern was talking to my husband, then suggesting we see a marriage counselor, which he always agreed to and particularly I think when he soon realised that he could bullshit them. I believed in Marriage. I really wanted things to work. I wanted the best for him and his career as a pastor. I didnt want our family to break up. I have many regrets. I wasted a lot of energy on trying to figure him out and trying to analyse his behaviour, knowing that something was not OK. However the more I tried the more deceptive he became and the more I doubted ME and the more my self esteem was stripped. He continued doing terrible horrible things to my son. I suspected too that he sexually abused my other children. I have no proof but a gut feeling. I went to senior pastors, to marriage counsellors, to sex addiction counsellors, to support groups, all in a quest to heal my marriage. The last straw for me was when he came home with lipstick on his shirt and underwear. Well obviously this has been happening a long time. I think I chose to deny a lot of stuff because of the pain. So yep I really believe I truly tried to stay in this marriage. I now believe that I am not helping him while staying in this sick marriage. I also believe that I have not thought of myself however having said that I have regrets, because he was always in denial, I am glad that I waited so I have the living proof now. So yep allcat, i think its different for everyone. Its a unique journey and I think this type of “disease” has no roadmap for the victims. So tough on the families hey. I can honestly understand where you are at, I’ve been there.I know that feeling too of wanting to die. Finding all of us here will give you renewed strength, I guarantee you that. When you read other stories you realise that you are not in this alone. That fact alone gives you strength, makes you realise that you are not insane, that HE truly has a problem. Then you can take the necessary steps to decide what it is you want to do for you to change things. You realise at some point on this road that there is NOTHING you can do to change him. He has to do the work. All the very best and so so sorry you also have to be on this site, but so glad we have all found each other !!Catherine,
I promise you there will be happiness ahead. This will always be with you but it won’t always be such a big part of your life.Have you shared your story with any friends or family?
I know when I feel sad or alone, I think of all the crap things my STBX did to me, and I get pissed and think I am not going to let him win. I won’t let him take me down, too. I don’t know if that will help you, but it got me through some rough times.
Oh yes i forgot to mention that a few years ago in 2006 to be exact he decided to move to New Zealand. I packed up early 2007 and followed him. One of the good things about that trip for both of us was that he acted out violently towards me and I was referred to a Womens Refuge for counselling for my kids and I. Something that would not have happened in my country where I live, South Africa. I then returned to south africa and told him I was going to divorce him. He parked in panic mode and sent me emails saying he was seeking help. He went to see a counsellor at Relationship Services in New Zealand. I mention this because I am wondering whether they have a branch in Australia? They were very good and those sessions, from what he told me at the time, was really a great source of support to him. Unfortunately he returned to South Africa and we really dont have such super counselling here.
Hello AllCat and Welcome to the ‘Hood. I truly wish I had some optimism to share with you regarding how to make a marriage with a SA ‘work’. I got nothin’. I’m just so very sorry for all of your pain. May your fucking excuse of a husband develop penile cancer and have to helplessly watch his diseased prick rot off. And don’t get me started on that bitch therapist… No wonder you’re super-extra demoralized… that bullshit she spews causes ‘Therapy Induced Trauma’. OK, that’s enough for now – it’s not nice to frighten the new sisters. I promise next time, I’ll tell you what I really think. 🙁 Hang with us and we’ll help you get your fight back. Love, Liza
Catherine, I am in Australia.
My SA and I have exhausted all pathetic options here too. Spent thousands on multiple psychologists/psychiatrists, and given similar bad advice as you. They do not understand this problem down here, neither for the addict or partner, and the effects can be very retraumatizing. I believe the invalidation and blame I have experienced from Australian professionals contributed to my PTSD.
I’m not sure if Barbara Steffen’s workbook is published yet?
MissE is also from Australia, she is in NSW.
Hi Catherine,
thank you for jumping in with your story. It’s precious to us, in all its pain and sorrow, so thank you for sharing it. I was also with my SA for three decades. We are divorced now. I”m sorry it’s a wasteland for help where you are. But I’m so glad you found us, and there are a few other Aussie’s here.
light for your journey,
Diane.Catherine – thanks for sharing your traumatic story. So sorry for all that you have been through. Glad you found us here – you’ll be amazed at how helpful this site can be. Welcome to the sisterhood!
Catherine,
Welcome and while it is very shitty that you have to go through all that you have gone through and are in the middle of, I’m glad to be your friend. This is a safe and supportive group!
Just yesterday, I left my H of 28 years and am living in a hotel. For a long while I didn’t want to leave, there is so much invested in a relationship of that length. I was and am mad, hurt, in pain and raw! Yet, it the midst of this, I get glimmers that things will get better.
Trust yourself, trust your path, trust your timing. You are courageous and wonderful for being here on SOS!
xoxoxo Zoey
Cat,
Welcome to the sisterhood! Thank you for sharing! You will never be alone again!Liza- girl you’re on a roll, lol…. Tell me, what DO you really think??? 🙂
Teri I can’t really talk with friends and family about my problem. One of my sisters knows about the affair but after I disclosed it I never discussed it with her again. I have 2 friends that I have told almost all the story to but I don’t talk about it with them. I don’t think I could really get any benefit from telling someone who does not understand sex addiction and what I am going through.
Victoria, it sounds like you are still with your husband. How do you make it work?
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