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As most of you know I have been monitoring my husbands internet usage for awhile now. I have kept quiet. Held it in. I don’t want him to know I’m doing it. The other night I told him. I was very calm and just said I know you watch porn 3-4 times a week. He was caught off guard and gave me this look like nothings wrong….No big deal he says. I say it is a big deal and you know it. You are out of control. I also know you look at stuff that freaks me out like Gay Porn. I said to him you are still lying to me..and not being honest about this situation. This hurts me a lot. He hugs me holds me tight tells me not to worry. That was it. No fighting no yelling He did say “I’m sorry I hurt you”. I felt better to get it out.
Sorry Kat but the question isn’t whether he’s sorry he hurt you, the question is whether he’s sorry enough to do something about it. If he says he’s sorry he hurt you and continues to engage in the same behavior then they are just empty words.
Hugs,
DaisyYeah, Kat, no need to worry. I’m sure he stopped watching the porn immediately because even if it’s ‘no big deal’ to him, it is to you. 🙁 So now you get to find out exactly how little it matters to him that it bothers you. Cause I can guarantee you he was back at it faster than you can say ‘I like to look at men’s cocks but I’m not gay’. Sorry girl.
March, that kills me, what is the name of that group and why would a man need a strap on when he has a natural one. I don’t get it?
kat,
how do you feel about this? what are your boundaries?
you have the right to insist on them.for example, you can state – no porn in the house. no porn on any of your devices. the consequence can be that he has to leave. or that you don’t spend time with him. or no dinner together for a week. you decide. he doesn’t decide. you can make non-negotiable boundaries. as in. non. negotiable. no. discussion.
if he knows you mean it, he may respect that. i know my DA needs consequences in order to take my boundaries seriously. he doesn’t care about my feelings (in the long run), he only cares if he will lose something.
so my DA knows if there is ANY sexual compulsive behaviour that i find out about, he has to leave the house.
he knows this, because i made him leave in july.it was only after i made him leave that he started taking my boundaries seriously. at least its enough that i can live in the same house with him. for now.
YOU decide what you want in your life, girlfriend.
Good question, Nap. You know, my SA joined that group during his relapse, so he’s the real expert. I just reckoned it was for a) women who like to “do” each other, b) men who like to watch women do each other, and c) men who like to have women use a strappy on them so that they can pretend they’re NOT gay….
I’ll ask, though, just for kicks.
Everytime I read the “strap on” thing, it makes me laugh. And now I have the vision of Larry on his knees panting….well, the laughs just keep coming.
And yes, KatManDew – he’s minimizing. It’s in their game book. He’s just in the first chapter.
Deb
Okay so I can’t help it the whole strap on yahoo thing has me laughing hysterically. The gay thing he says was an accident searching by word and that page popping up. I said boy you must be pretty stupid because it seemed to keep popping up on a few different days. He says he is not gay. He did not promise to stop looking at porn. He definitely tries to down play the watching porn behavior “as no big deal”. I asked him what is wrong? We had an awesome weekend together but on Monday you are back on the computer looking at porn? In retrospect I didn’t demand that he stop either. I did not set any boundaries. I did tell him that gay porn makes me sick to my stomach and that lying about it makes me sick too. I also know that he will most likely continue to watch porn. It’s been a couple of days but we all know that means nothing. He will not go to counseling or meetings. I doubt that he ever will as he does not see this as a problem. Does he love me enough to stop? Hmm I think he would make an effort to stop but truthfully he might be strong for a week, month, year, whatever but I know that eventually he will screw up. He goes on this site bad jojo and I swear he’s gotta check out every messed up category they have. I also think in his mind he thinks that he’s “being good” instead of running around cheating on me he’s trying to control his urges with this. The problem is this will probaly get boring and escalate to something worse. I know. I’m thinking a lot about boundaries. I did tell him awhile ago that if he sleeps with anyone he’s out of my life …that it will be done. Let’s hope he doesn’t and let’s hope if he does I stand strong and enforce my words.
Why are you hoping the person that hurts you and refuses to stop or get help doesn`t hurt you more? That literally makes no sense. I`ll bet if you find out tomorrow that he has sex with everybody on planet earth that he will hug you and apologize for hurting you and you will be “ok” with it just as long as he doesn`t buy them dinner. Are you seriously talking to a therapist. You have issues big time. When did you learn to think so little of yourself? It boggles my mind…
This guy is viewing GAY PORN under your screen name and you accept a hug and hope he does not screw a real person? Do you hear yourself?
I don`t care if you don`t but it seems like you do. You have somehow gotten the message that you are worth nothing. You are wrong. You are worth a million of him. You are also enabling a sick person. That is not love that is sick.
I apologize in advance and I promise no more rants. I am sorry Northern but you are breaking my heart.
kat,
please know that we all love you, we loved you the minute you joined this site.
take a long long hard look at what you want.
don’t be afraid.
then take a long hard look at the nature of this behaviour.
1. it escalates
2. they want ‘different’ something new to keep that high going. that’s why he was looking at gay porn. it’s taboo, it’s exciting. the next escalation could very well be sex with other people, if it isn’t already. IMO it is only a matter of time.it may take years. but it will get there. with my partner, we were together for 14 years (he was into porn, unbeknownst to me) before he started with sex workers.
then his behaviour got riskier and riskier. to the point where he risked his own, and my life.
that’s how it works girlfriend. this is SERIOUS stuff
so….. don’t minimize along with him. decide what you believe in and stand up for yourself.
That is one thing I love about southern women they speak their mind!! Bev you are awesome. You are all awesome. I will admit that I am sitting here with myself saying OUCH. I like the nickname Northern. I am sitting here listening to the H from the other room yelling “who are you talking too”. He can hear me typing. He knows I joined a support group He is asking me if it’s a men bashing site? Im getting pissed at him. Too fucking bad if you don’t like it and it scares you. you scare me all the time! I have not divulged the name of the site and I erase my history. I am talking to a therapist. I have off and on for many years. It comes down to the same thing over and over. I have to decide whether I accept this and live with it or I can’t accept it and choose not to live with it. His little tantrum made me loose my train of thought. I appreciate all of your words.
Physical abuse Never… but manipulation definitely. He’s trying scare me by getting mad. I see it and know it too.
I just love you for not being pissed at me….
I have a mouth on me and sometimes it gets away from me. I wish I had Diane`s finesse but I don`t. Oh well, the important thing is that you get it. You can decide what to put up with or not. I support you as long as it is your decision ( not his).
🙂
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