- This topic has 62 replies, 14 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 3 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Kat,
My heart aches for you now and for the future that is possibly ahead. I suspect this will become more of a big deal to you as you discover how deep the roots are for this type of addiction and how great the collateral damage can become. Sadly, the roots will likely grow deeper regardless; however, having no boundaries and an openness on your part for him engage in these activities can be fertilizer for its growth.
I highly recommend you read the book, Your sexually Addicted Spouse-How Partners Can Cope, as well as other material (more listed on this site) to research how this addiction tends to intensify, both in severity of choices and the addicts ability to shamelessly lie.
I so wish I could turn the clock back 14 years to the first time I discovered my h had secretly used a credit card to access porn while I was out of state. He assured me it was a one time deal…”not a big deal” and it would never happen again. There now exists a 14 year (plus an additional 4 prior to the first discovery) trail of lies, deceits, and betrayals which concluded yesterday by his revelation that no addiction exists and he is now filing for divorce because it IS A VERY BIG DEAL to me now.
Please, please take time to honestly evaluate your current reality. You positively deserve to be “loved, honored, and cherished”. I pray that you experience a very different future from my past (and many others on this site).
I am so sorry for your pain.
bev, I am not mad at you!! To me your words are spoken because you care. All of you care and that takes the sting away. I admit that it hurts to hear some things but candy coating it would be a lie and a disservice to any of us who joined this site. The truth hurts sometimes. I do know that I deserve better than this.
Kat,
I know what it feels like to not have a voice in your own home. It wasn’t overt because I’m a pretty spunky person, however, my xh was very very covert in his ‘non caring’, pats on the back ‘he loves me’, pretended to truly care about me, VERY, VERY passive aggressive and sooooo the ultimate smooth and subtle manipulator. I guess what I’m trying to say is your not the lone ranger. There are unfortunately others including myself, that get into these toxic situations and it happens slowly and the next thing you know “I’m married to this Frankenstein????” Many woman on SOS have tolerated this covert abuse for years before they knew their h had a secret life. This road is bumpy, it’s not straight, there are a lot of pot holes, and its a hard road. I look back and cant even believe now all the crap I tolerated from my xh for years BEFORE I even knew he had a secret life. All very
covert. All abuse. Thinking of you Kat and wishing you all the best in a very difficult situation. Keep in mind, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior and that not only applies to their behavior but OURS too.
Love, NapKat – I can understand why you stay with his assurances that “it’s just porn”. The porn industry is the most watched category on the Internet. This normalizes it in the eyes of men.
However, your SAH has escalated to the bizarre type. It’s drinking (IMO). Some people can have a drink or two – while others get hooked on the buzz – to self-soothe – whatever – and the pleasure center in the brain lights up and they need more and more. He has moved from beer to vodka.
Keep monitoring his activities (although he may find a way to hide it from you now that you tipped your hand)….but be warned. He is escalating. It may remain dormant or somewhat under control, but realize that the monster has been awakened inside of him.
I can’t believe that Bev let you have it so early in your journey – she must like you!
Deb
I think Bev could ask a lot of us the same questions- do we hear ourselves sometimes, what we put up with?
It honestly is heartbreaking. I know all the reasons, all the fears, all that we lose. But what we are do is way beyond settling- sometimes even before we know what they are up to. What nightmares we live.
For some bizarre reason I have been thinking about my past the things I have done. I think it is not an accident that I ended up marrying a man with these issues. Feeling the need to bare my soul. Yuck!! But what bev said about me feeling like I’m nothing thinking so poorly of myself may have touched a nerve. I sit here at this moment and know that there are so many things I like about myself but Im also thinking that my ability to “live” with some of his stuff comes from my own guilt over crap I’ve done. I am not excusing him…I am just saying it may be part of my issues. The other night in one of our discussions I asked him if he remembers the time he cheated with my exfriend? I wanted to know how it all happened as I couldn’t remember then I said and I can’t believe I stayed with you.
Oh, soooo many truths there for all of us…
I think the bar was set pretty low for some of us, in terms of what we were taught to expect from life, and from others.
I’m in the long term life project now of raising that bar, and it’s actually working. In my love life, in my work life, in my respect for myself life. Even though I still have moments of grief for what I lost, I could never accept that life again. NEVER. I’ve literally seen the light. And it turns out it’s shining on me too, and I can walk in it.
Deb is right. I do like you. I would never have wasted a good tirade on someone I didn`t like 🙂
I think you have some spunk in you and I think you are basically a fun girl with a lot of good qualities. I just think you need to see that !! He doesn`t get to say “sorry” and continue hurting you. How many times would you let me step on your toe and say sorry? If he is sorry then he will make steps toward stopping. It`s just that simple. If he is unwilling ( for whatever reason) then he doesn`t really care about you. The ball`s in your court Kat.
you know, i think ending up with these m’fo’s may be our own issues… i see the healthy part of thinking that way.
but some of it might just be we were unluckily. i look on past boyfriends, none of them are addicts. my first love is a really really decent guy.
part of it is simply that i got unlucky. and he was a master manipular and actor. he had me completely fooled. and the behaviour i did see was what everyone minimizes. occasional anger. and then the abusive behaviour escalated so so slowly, i can’t beat myself up for not recognizing it for what it was.
these guys are master gas lighters! i would have had to interrogate him like a criminal to get the truth sooner. and who in their right mind thinks they need to do that to their spouse?
we should go easier on ourselves.
it’s their shit, not ours.
now, what we do with the knowledge we have now… that’s another story…
i was in the dark before. but no. longer. not. any. more.
Certainly everyone has their own work to do. But we often had no idea what we were in for going in. These guys are seducers, manipulators and liars. Everyone thinks my STBX is a great guy (and I’ve heard that from many others here).
It gets crazy, though, when these “great guys” start doing crap and then blaming us for it. That really messes with our sense of reality. My STBX was a great guy- he was working so hard and he just too tired when he got home to really engage and I just had abandonment issues and needed to work on that so I could really appreciate WHAT A GREAT GUY he really is…who was out fucking whores all night instead of seeing patients.
I take no responsibility for that.
yes, teri, absolutely. nothing to do with you. at. all.
(i’m really into the extra periods today for some. reason.)
and we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves when they had everyone else fooled too.
bev, you are right he should not be allowed to continue hurting me, say sorry then act like all is okay. In no way do I take responsibility for the crap he has done. Nope! I have been a good wife and friend to him. YES If he is sorry he will take the steps to stop hurting me.
But you do have to ask yourself why you stay when you are aware of what he is doing and monitoring it.
It’s one thing if he has promised to go into recovery and you use that as accountability.
Or if you are collecting evidence for court.
But if those aren’t the case, then monitoring it is just punishment for you and takes the focus off of taking care of you.
Teri, He will not go into recovery this I know. I am not collecting evidence for court. He put everything into my name a long time ago. I wouldn’t ask for alimony if we split. We do not have young children they are ages 22 and 26. I am right where you said I am. Monitoring him, making myself crazy and not focusing on myself. Sometimes I just wont get out of my own way. Some people say monitor him some people say don’t monitor him. My counselor says I should stop monitioring him. We had a conversation about me letting go of trying to control him and his behavior. I ended up crying bringing up how I let go of that with my Mom (going with her to bars to keep her safe) and her drinking and not very long after she crashed into a tree. She asked me to go with her that night and I said No. The smart part of me tells me that it’s not my fault but there is this part of my heart that aches. I can not use this as an excuse.
katmandew,
I am so sorry about your mother. Was she injured badly? Please don’t beat yourself up over that. She made her choices, she is an adult. She knew she shouldn’t drink and drive. She knew she could call a friend or a cab. It wasn’t your job to protect her from herself.
I know you want to keep the people you love safe- that is good and normal. Unfortunately, that normal instinct gets turned into something destructive when dealing with addicts.
Monitoring is a form of hypervigilance- part of the trauma reaction. Is your therapist addressing your trauma? Does he/she do EMDR? It’s very hard to stop unless you are working on healing any post-traumatic stress you are experiencing. So don’t beat yourself up too much about that.
She died. I was 22 years old. We were very close. At the time I was split from my long term boyfriend..we ended up back together. 9 months later we broke up. He broke up with me in Cancun Mexico. We should have split long before that. After that I was on a mission. I was drinking more and going to bars and picking up guys. I would tell them I had no interest in love…I was using them for sex only. I do recall that the sex wasn’t very good anyways. I actually told one guy not to call me, not to come up to me and say hello if he saw me somewhere, to just be gone in the morning. This was after sleeping with him. I would stay up all night then go to the cemetary and cry. Then I met my H and he turned my whole life around. Funny thing was he was a womanizer but he was a gentleman with me. Kissed me on the cheek after our first date. We didn’t have sex right away we waited. He helped me to see that I couldnt throw my life away because of my Mom.
Kat, it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.
It’s time to let go and live. Really live.
If it helps, you have permission to put all that baggage down, set fire to it and walk on to life.
X hugs for now x
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.