I don’t want the bad guy hat!

Now, I get to chose, either be real and speak my honest emotions, or be fake and play like it’s all ok and wear the POOR COMMUNICATOR badge I now wear thanks to the 1 minute psychiatrist.

I HATE being the heavy. I am so laid back, and here we are, Christmas, and I’m the heavy, again. Slam, no, honey, it’s not about love and peace and joy. YOU have to be the hurt and angry bear, remember?

This morning, after I get out of the shower, H, who is still in bed, leans out and makes a flirty remark inviting me back to bed.

I walked up to him. “You mean you want to have sex?”
H- “well, yes”.
Me- “No.”
H- “Why.”
Me- “I am hurt. You completely forgot me at Christmas. The excuse you gave was “I’ve been too busy to buy you a present. I, on the other hand spent an entire month preparing the house, the visit schedule, the foods, the clothing, and presents. You know it’s not about the money, anything that said “I thought about you” would have been great.”
H- just looked down, and said nothing.
Me – “I have never felt so taken for granted. You are asking me for sex like it didn’t even happen at all. You not even going to acknowledge it.”
H- just shook his head.
Me- “All those times you called the other women, all the porn, as bad as it was, there was always the outside factor: you were tempted, you had previous connection to these women and felt it important to keep in touch, you have this addiction, whatever. In this case, there was nothing but you and I, and I simply didn’t matter. You just forgot me. It was disdainful and it hurt.”
H- I’m sorry I did that.
M- Just waited for any other comment for a minute. Nothing. I walk out. Go make coffee. H comes down dressed, says “I’m going to work in the yard, and leaves.”

Another great day in the neighborhood.

So, I communicated my true feelings. I suppose that I’ll be accused of not listening and communicating in anger, again. Now I’ll endure the silent treatment for a few days. He’ll act out because he’s “lonely and panicked that I’m not committed to the relationship”.

Ta Dah! I’m the bad guy again and hurting like hell. And I had to speak the truth, which gave H his Narc supply and he won. I don’t want this relationship. Have I said that, oh yeah. Sorry.