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As I’ve posted previously, I learned in Nov 2012 that my h had sex w prostitutes six times over the past ten years as well as compulsive porn use and frequenting escort sites, making dates w hookers them apparently canceling them. That is what I know, there may be more. I left him about seven months ago and have been living out of state w our two kids.
I feel like I’ve asked for the same advice before and feel like I’m just repeating myself (hence the “feeling stuck” part) – I just can’t seem to get myself out of limbo. I don’t want to go back bc I can barely stand being w him for any prolonged period of time but I’m scared to end it and move on bc what if he really is sorry and really can change and really won’t do any of this again. And even if he can’t really be there for me emotionally and doesn’t really know how to put another persons needs above his own, this is the person I chose, he has always been some version of this person (I didn’t think he’d cheat but he’s never been a super empathic person, it’s just gotten worse over the years). Anyway, my therapist keeps saying that the only person who can make this decision (who can weigh what I’m willing to live with/accept to keep my family together) is me and I get that but I’m having a really hard time figuring it out. And maybe I am codependent and don’t know my own wants and needs anymore. I don’t know. I just feel so stuck. And as my oldest is supposed to start school in the fall and I need to know where that will be so I feel a lot of pressure to decide soon. Please help!
Thank you, AnneDear Anne,
Sweetheart, you know what we are going to say, but as your therapist rightly has said, only you can decide. Life is long. You deserve better. In order to get that, you will probably have to give yourself a push. SA is no kind of life, for you or your children. Please don’t let years tick by. Youre half way there. Keep going sister!!!
Sending you love and wishes for a brighter and clearer tomorrow!
~BonnieOh Anne, I can relate to the stuck feeling. It sucks! Believe me, if we could make the decision for you, a squad of Sisters would be at your door, paperwork in hand, flat head shovels at the ready, led by General Karen. 🙂 But ultimately, it IS your decision. My advice to you is what we say many times to many different Sisters, listen to your gut. It may be that you are simply not ready to end the marriage but that does not mean you should go back to him. You said that you can barely stand being with him. That’s your answer from your gut. Being with him is wrong for you but it may not be the right time to divorce. So let it ride for now. You stay where you are, he stays where he is. And honestly, you’ve read the collective wisdom here so you KNOW that the chances if him being really sorry, really changing and really never doing it again PLUS becoming more emotionally available are not good. Certainly not good enough to move back in with him and bet your peace of mind and your future on.
Love,
Daisyanne, i can relate too feeling stuck too. probably a lot of that is trauma. my advice is to focus as completely as you are able to (and you will be able to more and more with time) upon YOU. this way, no matter what you decide you will be in a better spot. look after yourself financially, spiritually, physically, mentally. the more you do this, the clearer things will become for you. it took me about a year to be completely sure of my decision. and then another month to prepare to tell him. we signed the separation agreement yesterday (essentially the divorce which will be final on march 26 2014, a year after i told him). our divorce will be final just 2 years after d day. please don’t take this as a measuring stick, we all move at our own pace. i generally make decisions super quick. so even with that temperment, it will take me 2 years to get out of this…
i decided to try to get clarity and strength in the early days. i knew it would take a long time, because as you know this breaks you open and apart.
give yourself time. don’t worry about knowing the answers. just start to get to know YOU. what you need day to day, minute by minute. hour by hour. the more you listen to what you need (and i’m talking about things that have NOTHING to do with him) the better you will know yourself. the more you know yourself, the easier it will be to see your situation with him more clearly. and to know what you will decide. that will come in time. if you focus on yourself, i promise that will happen.
and believe me, we all understand needing to ask the same questions over and over with this shit. ask as often as you need.
Anne, it hasn’t really been all that long since you got the shock of your life. My advice would be to take things day by day for now, to just take care of yourself and your kids, and not angst about what’s going to happen in the future. You need healing time and comfort and normalcy. Anything that helps you feel those things is good. Go easy on yourself, and don’t think of yourself as stuck.. Think of yourself as still recovering from a horrible shock and trauma that turned your life upside down. In time you’ll be able to decide what you want to do, but it’s probably just not time for that right now. Sending you big hugs. xoxo
Thank you so much for the support. It means so much to me. It’s actually heartening to hear that even as a quick decision maker it took you a year to figure this out lisak. I am a very slow decision maker so perhaps I’m right on track 😉
I just feel robbed. Of my hopes for my family, for my kids and somehow feel now that the pressure of the decision and the consequences of said decision are all on my shoulders.
One of my close friends told me the other day that I needed to stop being “the victim” and take control of the situation. I know she meant well and I do agree that I need to be more proactive somehow but I’m not sure I’m ready to do more than I’ve already done.Dear Anne, you were indeed the victim of a robbery. You had years of your life stolen from you–your memories, the information you needed in order to make decisions for yourself and your children, your sexuality and sensuality, your ability to trust, your reality. You have every right to grieve and to recover. That takes time. Ultimately, yes, you will have to pull yourself up from the ashes; you’ll have to save yourself. And we’ll be here to help you and support you. Ask your friend if she’d dare say that to you if you’d been raped. I’ve been raped. This was worse.
“Ask your friend if she’d dare say that to you if you’d been raped. I’ve been raped. This was worse.”
This is really important, I think. I’m so sorry March, you’ve been through too much for a single person.I agree, Jenny. Thank you for sharing that, March. I hadn’t thought about it that way before. It makes sense to me though. Thank you again. xoxo
Anne,
Limbo is a really hard place and knowing what to do can make us frozen. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. You said you don’t feel comfortable around him. As woman we have really good intuition. On the the other side of the coin you say WHAT IF MAYBE he will be okay in the future.People show you who they are with their behavior. Is he a loving, repectful, husband who makes you feel loved, treasured, and secure. Or does his behavior leave you uneasy, insecure, hurt, disrespected, is he consistent in his behavior or is he unpredictable and moody.
Listen to what he does not what he says. Then make the most healthy choice for you and your children.
So sorry you are struggling and I wish you the best and know we have all been in limbo at some point.
Love, Nap
NAP, Thank you for that description of the man I wish he could be versus the man he is. Your support means so much.
xoxo, AnneAnne, find a school for your child where you are now. Its kindergarden right? Not law school. It’s no big deal. Don’t let things like that pressure you to make moves you are not comfortable making. Just stay where you are until you feel like being somewhere else? Until you feel ready for something else?
Hugs, KarenAnne, no decision ever has to be final. I found comfort knowing I could always change my mind. many isters put off the major decisions and just start etching out a life for themselves independent from their SAs. Then one day they ready to make the decision, and it’s from a healthy place.
Anne,
I have to say that you are NOT acting like a victim. Your hesitancy to make a decision is all about that. You are now DEMANDING that things feel right for YOU before you will commit. There is a world of health and strength in that particularly because you are doing that in such a traumatized state. It’s wisdom of the deepest sort, and I admire you for holding to it. You know, you feel, and you honor that the decision time is not here. That is the most courageous decision of all, because it defies chaos with quiet faith in YOUR knowing above all else.
You are not being forced to act, you are choosing the what and when of your actions. That is not a helpless victim stance.
This is going to sound so weird, but here goes:
Remember that childhood tale about the three little pigs?
One built with straw, it was available and cheap and so that’s what he used to build his house.
One built with sticks, a little more thought and effort, but not worthy of a lifetime.
The third built with bricks, hard won and carefully planned. He overcame all the adversity afterwards BECAUSE he didn’t grasp at straws.
You are now in the third category. No more grasping at straws to survive the storms, you’re insisting on the real deal now.
Love
🙂
Karen is right. It is kindergarten. I understand the pain of sending a child off to “real school”. I had to call my dad the night before and cry and the actual day when she went…. I was a wreck. I can tell you that my kids barely remember much about it. Enroll him/her where you are now. Don’t wait til they are in high school and have to move them.
You are not acting like a victim. You are trying to survive this awful shit the best you can.
Thanks Bev and Lynn. I just wish I was a better decision maker. This whole situations feels so unfair. And I know that sounds so whiny and I hate that bc I’m not typically a whiner, I’m the one who “sucks it up” yet in this case I can’t help but feel so pissed. About all of it.
If you did not feel pissed then I would suggest you check into the nearest loony bin 🙂
No one expects that you just all of a sudden know all the answers right after the tornado blows your house away and you barely escape with your life….
I understand that stuck feeling. Not wanting to make a decision because I don’t like either decision : staying or divorcing. I’m stuck too. I’m mad. I love this site because here I can see that I am normal. I wish I could make a decision … but I don’t like either decision. I think Bev’s advise is great, but I know it’s easier said then done.
Yep…that is one of the real stumbling blocks. Not wanting ANY of the poor options they leave you with. Very hard to accept choices you never wanted. Very hard indeed. That is behind so partners being completely unsure how to move ahead. In early days, we just want them to fix it and make it all go away. In later days, we realize they are people who break things, not people who put things back together and if we want things fixed,we shall have to do it ourselves.
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