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I haven’t been on the site recently, so I’m not sure you remember me…in a nutshell, I found out in Oct 2012 my H had been compulsively using porn, making dates with prostitutes and then usually “canceling them” and then he finally admitted to actually having sex w six prostitutes over the ten years we have been together. Was it more than six? Probably. Can I prove that? No. Anyway, I left in Nov and moved back to my parents house (about an hour and fifteen min away) w my two toddlers. Since then, from my perspective, he has gone to counseling w me (which hasnt been terribly helpful given he is not very insightful) and has “permitted” me to be at my parents with the kids, mostly his focus is on his own pain and loss, and repeatedly tells me that he can’t work on reconciling w me when he has been separated from his children. Lots of pressure to move back. Yes, he has apologized but it has never seemed sincere to me. And recently, he has made threats of self harm should our marriage end. And when I told him I was unable to clearly decide on whether to come back or not with such threats hanging over my head, I was told that I was just using his suicide threats as a “distraction.” Anyway, this was the straw that broke the camels back. I notified various people to insure his safety and of course he eventually recanted but not after repeating the threats several times over several days. I realized that I could not be with a man who would choose to leave his children fatherless instead of facing up to the shame and pain of what he’d done. To me, it was the epitome of his selfishness.
Anyway, this long diatribe leads me to my point – even though I’m pretty sure I’m doing the right thing in leaving him, I’m so scared of being alone forever. Of growing old alone. He is seriously flawed but not a total sociopathic monster. He does have good qualities. He would take care of me if I were sick and he makes me dinner and helps w the kids. I’m just so scared this is going to be so hard to do on my own with such little kids.
I’m just laying here in bed crying (sorry to sound so dramatic) and I need some support. I need to believe there is or at least could be a light at the end of this tunnel.
Thank you all in advance.Hi Anne, of course we remember you. He is a surgeon right? You are not going to be alone for the rest of your life and how have you managed with those toddlers since Nov? That is almost a year. You must be capable of looking after them and I am assuming your parents will try to help. I don’t think that living with someone who threatens suicide to get his own way is a better life than being alone. At least alone you know you are not going to do yourself in?
Somewhere down deep, besides your fear, you KNOW he is lying to you and you KNOW he isn’t going to change. That is why you haven’t moved back to him despite your terror of being alone. Your terror of being trapped with him is greater and you are absolutely right. He isn’t better, nothing has changed and you are not safe with him. You have toddlers Anne. You cannot be that old? He is crazy. You are doing the right thing and you will be ok.Dearest Anne,
We’ve all laid in bed crying so there’s nothing to apologize for. Most of us as recently as last night—or even this afternoon.Let’s affirm your sanity. You’ve taken your children out of a toxic atmosphere and limited their exposure to his effect on you. Well done. After all, who wants to move home? You did it because you are good mother and you knew couldn’t think straight being around his kind of crazy. You’ve handle his threats and selfishness without letting him drag you back into the swamp. My goodness, woman, some sisters here are in and out of that swamp for years before they say no. You totally rock the swamp by staying out!
Now, will you alone forever. No. Not likely. YOu are in a really intensive parenting time—little time for yourself or a life for yourself. But that doesn’t actually last forever. It just seems like it’s going to. Bit by bit, as your children grow you get pieces of your life back to do with as you want. YOu will have a life, I promise you. But yes, there will be some nights when you are sick and they get sick and it will be hard. Better to ask your family for help than stay with someone who is behaving like he is.
I wish I wasn’t trying to get over three decades of betrayal. I don’t want you to have be in my shoes. I just don’t believe he’s going to get his shit together for you, for the children, or for himself. You’re smart. You already know everything I just wrote. But we all need to hear someone else say it.sleep well, with pixie dust for you and your beautiful babies
Diane.xoAnne, I am a new sister too and I know, it is hard. Sorry you are struggling tonight, but I have learned that it is healthy to cry and go through the grieving. I cried straight for 3 months at the first of the year….Not that it is easier now, but my head is clearer (esp as I too have been able to be apart from him). I am praying that you can realize your truth in this confusion and that your clarity will lead you to just do the next right thing. I think it helps to vent here in this safe place. One minute at a time! Hope you sleep well tonight dear sister and that tomorrow will be brighter.
Someone said something helpful the other day….remember, you didn’t leave him, he left you (by his vile actions) a while ago. Just puts it in perspective a little when I start feeling guilty for setting protective boundaries.
You can do this! It’s hard and will get even harder, it will suck and you will be lonely at times but it WILL get easier. I promise. I divorced my ex (not a sa) with three small kids (6, 3 and 1) but I never regretted it as I knew it was for the best. It was awful at times but I kept smiling around the kids and forged on.
You are smart to recognize his manipulation in the suicide threats. Even if he did it, it would NOT be your fault. Suicide is a choice. Period. He can choose life or death. Either way, yours and the kids goes on.
I’m sorry for your anguish. Choosing divorce is never easy. Keep it in perspective. His actions put you in this position. Not your actions but his.
We love you
you will not be alone, dear lovely sister. i would be lying if i said that you would not be lonely and sad, there will be times when you are.
but isn’t building a new life, better than being lonely and sad WITH your SA? NOTHING is lonelier than being with someone who isn’t present. i would rather be alone than live a lie with a man who doesn’t truly love me, you and i both deserve more than that, dear sister.
there will be room in your life for wonderful honest loving people. the people who deserve to have you in yours.
and living an honest life. isn’t that just priceless? and integrity? that is so valuable.
there is a lovely great pop son by laura mvula, in it she says,
‘i don’t need love to rescue me’ i’ll put it in a new thread.
you are strong, smart and are showing great courage. you don’t need rescuing my brave sister.
Dear anne, hang in there. I too worry about being alone, but then I wake up in the morning and realize I am fine being alone today. It’s when I think about the rest of my life that I get overwhelmed and anxious. But I don’t think you or I or any other sister will end up alone. Why do you think your h is begging you not to leave? Because you are a caring, generous loving and beautiful woman. My h pulls the suicide card all the time also – he doesn’t want to live without me, blah, blah, blah. My response is if I had been that important to him he would not have been so reckless. He knew cheating most likely equalled divorce. He just thought he would not get caught, which is even more heinous in my opinion. As long as I was not going to find out he felt no remorse in exposing me to STDs or risking getting other women pregnant (he does not “like” condoms – shock). Teri pointed me to the Chump Lady web site. Last night I was feeling really low and logged on that site and laughed out loud. It is really validating to look at when you know you are choosing to end the marriage. It is really pro-divorce after cheating. Hang in there!
Anne, I’m so glad you updated us on how things are going. Honestly sounds like the typical story of the SA being oh-so remorseful (as in sorry he got caught), going to counseling together (which goes basically nowhere), more and more desperate tactics if he can’t manipulate you back into where he wants you (some use intimidation rather than suicide threats but same idea). I am positively sure that going back to him will ensure that you are dealing with this for years to come. He isn’t in recovery. This will go on and on until you say enough. No matter what you do, it will be difficult and painful.
I can also say that I very seriously doubt that you will be alone. So many sisters have left and most of them have found someone, have started dating, spend time with friends, are building new lives, new confidence, new relationships. I know I feel less lonely now, even when I am alone, because I know I have people who care about me that I can reach out to and depend on.
It takes awhile to grieve the end of a marriage and family. And to come to terms with the new normal. All the feelings and fears you are having are typical for your situation. I find comfort in the fact that other people have gone through this and they survived, so I can, too. FWIW to you.
Hang in there, Anne. Hope you are feeling better this morning.
Hi Anne. Welcome back! Thanks for the update. I second what all the Sisters have said. You are doing fantastic. Just give yourself the time and space you need to grieve your old life and embrace your new one. I hope you will keep posting here.
Hugs,
DaisyThank you so much for all the love, support, and helpful words. I’m sick that after repeatedly cheating on me, he’s likely going to get to spend more time w our little ones and I will get less. How is that fair? And it goes without saying that he doesn’t see or appreciate or feel bad about this injustice. Why would he?
Anyway, I hope I’m not giving up too soon or not giving him enough of a chance. This whole argument about how he can’t show me how much he’s changed or how sorry he is bc he’s separated from the kids just doesn’t make sense to me. Does it make sense to anyone else?
Thanks again.he’s delusional Anne. It’s the toughest thing to remember that we are trying to work with someone who is not a normal person. I’m sorry.
IMO, when you are making decisions to minimize the negative imprinting on young children of emotional patterns and behaviours, you must trust yourself. He cannot be allowed to “test drive” his fake recovery all over your children’s lives. If he cared about them, he would be doing everything to avoid that.OMG, Anne! My h. says the same thing “I’ve made so much progress!” Yet, it rang hollow to me so I finally asked him a few weeks ago, “can you be more specific? You say you’ve made progress but I can’t see that unless you tell me in what ways you’ve progressed.” Guess what? Radio silence. I actually didn’t really care to know the answer but it just proved my point that he’s not willing to be honest & be accountable for what he’s done (b/c I know I don’t know the entire story), then that isn’t recovery. Has he made some change for the good? Sure but not enough to save & rebuild our broken marriage. If someone really had made changes, they would be jumping up & down showing & proving to you what they have done to change. Instead, it’s a classic manipulation tactic to throw the blame back to you – “you aren’t giving me enough credit”.
I totally get the feeling of are you giving him enough time but think about it, Anne, he has been doing this for 10 years…almost your entire relationship! He doesn’t deserve more time. You deserve a beautiful new life for you & your girls. I worry about being alone too and I get angry that I there will be times when I do get to see my children on holidays but I remind myself to take it one day at a time. Fill your life with your children and other people who love you & who you can trust and you won’t be alone.
Also want to add…nothing is permanent. If you get divorced and miraculously he changes & you feel you can trust him, then you can always get back together. I doubt that will happen but if that helps you to see your decision as less final, then think of it that way.
The sad truth is once the fight is over, once the children are no longer a weapon they can use to control you, many men lose interest in them almost completely. Sometimes that can be a good thing, I guess. All of us deserve a beautiful new life, as do our children both the young and the older ones. I am quite sure I will live the rest of my life alone and I am reconciled to that (at least most days I am). I’m 51, I’ve been with my H for over 30 years and I have no interest in starting over in a new relationship. I hope though, that you youngsters 🙂 will find a relationship with a man who is worthy of you and your children.
Hugs,
DaisyDaisy – c’mon! 50 is the new 40!! The bottom line, though, is I agree w the sisters about how important it is to surround ourselves w friends and family who love and value us. If there’s a spouse on that list, great, but having a shitty spouse versus being single but with a few loving friends/ family? I think I would choose the latter (in my stronger moments, that is).
Feelingconflicted – thank you for your thoughts. I think it does help me to think about the 0.000001% chance that over the years he may truly change and if we really should be together then we will.Update – he is suddenly agreeing with everything I ask in terms of the kids. WTF?!? I think he has talked to a lawyer who told him that he has to do whatever I say so that I will take the suicidality off the table legally. It is so hard bc it really does seem like he has this “good and reasonable” side and it feels so good to interact w that person – makes me feel like maybe we have a chance at a collaborative divorce, but then there’s the “nasty and manipulative” side that is a total wild card. I want to believe he’s being reasonable bc that’s how he really feels but I also believe he wants something and that’s the only reason he’s being nice.
Anne,
This is probably going to sound crass. I am sorry for that. I hope he sent those suicide threats in some form that you can print and save. They are gold in a custody battle. If he threatens again, call the police. They will take him in and treat him to a 24 hr surveillance at minimum.
SJ uses ‘family’ arguments almost exclusively in his attempt to get me to reconcile. Guess he figured out my heart is hard to him now, but I still badly desire a whole family for my children. It’s ridiculous of him to try to pull this on me, really. The children are mine from a previous marriage and SJ only had a little over a year with them. We lived without their father for 6 years before I met SJ. We were fine. BUT, I now know what he did while they were in the house during our marriage, and he’s too stupid to know I’d rather they sleep in the streets than next to that. At least in the street there’s a 50/50 chance there’s NOT a pervert doing … those things… only feet away, that they either might accidentally see, or God forbid, eventually become victim to.
Weirder than that, he doesn’t even do stuff for his children from his first marriage, who lived with him for 23, 22, and 16 years. I had to send them cards and gifts. He says “I miss my family, and I know they need me, too” and he means MY CHILDREN?!?!? How freaking dismissive of his children. Oh, and with the IRS commentary yesterday, he may have a THIRD family to choose from, somewhere out there. Busy man.
SAs just seem to desire this “family man” label, as part of their good guy trappings. Maybe children have some promise of providing the adoration they crave. The prestige of being the “good father” appeals to them, too. In almost all cases I’ve seen on here the children are actually just pawns in SAs getting what they want: either to manipulate mom, or to build up SAs image and self esteem.
He’s acting like he wants the children because it keeps you engaged with him, worried, stressed, and he can get responses out of it. If he got them, they’d be back with you pretty quickly, is my bet.
Being alone, it’s tough, but having lived as a single mom it’s not as hard as living with a man you can’t trust. It’s just not. It’s hard as hell, but you don’t have to wonder when you lay your head down exhausted at night what stupid thing he’s going to do that unravels everything you achieved for your family that day. It works better than you think. And alone is temporary, too. You get to decide how long. Not like with them, you NEVER know when the gig is up, when their ‘addiction’ will bring the whole house of cards crashing down.
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