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My husband would not submit a spousal support figure in his proposal until I agreed to take a vocational evaluation exam.
This is because he and his lawyer are suggesting that I contribute $30,000/year to the figure that I need to live on. I am not sure how they came up with that figure, but they are claiming that I can make this amount so therefore whatever figure I need, they can subtract $30,000 off the top.
The fact that he is playing this kind of game on top of everything else that has happened has increased the level of PTSD and depression that I am experiencing. I feel very afraid of the legal system and what he is capable of in trying to get out of providing for me after I have supported him from home for the last 27 years.
I have found that it is difficult for me to function on a “normal” basis ever since the discovery. I have not coped well from the trauma that you all know comes from the shock of everything involved with SA. I have been seeing a therapist for some time and was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety and PTSD with some agoraphobic symptoms. The anxiety of taking this test and all of the implications of it paralyzed me with fear, and I could not force myself to go do it. After several attempts to get an appointment, and having to explain my mental status to everyone, I was told that I could be in contempt of court if I did not take this test. I was feeling so abused by the system and my husband that I did’nt care if I was in contempt, I thought they could put me in jail if they felt like I was such a criminal. My therapist wrote a letter to the lawyers and the vocational person recommending that the test be postponed until I am mentally in a better place to cope with all that I have been through. Evidently my mental health is not important to anyone but me and I was forced to make an appointment to go in and talk to the vocational person. After three hours of crying and telling her my whole story, she asked me if I could take the test that afternoon. I told her that I could not, so she asked me to make an appointment the following week. I guess they think that my PTSD will go away in a weeks time frame.
After several more attempts to save myself from this abuse by the system, I am forced to go and prove or disprove my competency by taking a test to determine if I could spell, do some math and show my comprehension level. I do not see how testing my competency should alter the end result of the case. Subjecting me to this type of continued manipulation is furthering my trauma. Suggesting that how I perform on a test will determine the amount of support he provides, is putting me in a compromising position. The implications are that my contributions to the marriage are not worthy of his support and that he does not have to be held accountable for decisions that he is making that is jeopardizing my future. I have never indicated that I am incompetent. I am offended as a 51 year old woman and feel discriminated against by having to somehow prove or disprove my value. I have been lied to, cheated on, manipulated and abused. He is taking advantage of me once again through this process.
Does it end there? OH no!!!! Now the lawyers and the vocational evaluator held a phone conference and decided that I need to have a psychological evaluation. It is not enough that I have outlined my emotional problems and my therapist documented the seriousness of my condition. They are saying that they need a neutral evaluation of my mental condition.
How is this possible? Once again I am being discounted and dismissed. Let me understand this……
I have been a “normal” married law abiding citizen. (Never even had a speeding ticket) Raised two high functioning children. Have never had problems with anyone in my life. Have wonderful friends and family. Until one day I find out that my husband is a SA. This turns my whole world upside down and surprise, surprise is impacting my emotional mental health. Next thing I know, I have to take a test to show if I am a capable person and now have to be evaluated from a mental standpoint. REALLY??????????WHY? HOW? WTF????
Who is the one with the mental problems here? Who is the SA? All because he does not want to have to support me? This is a man who has had a corporate level income for over 15 years , and now is suggesting he does not have any money? He can bring all of this to my life and I am the one who has to go through all kinds of humiliating tests to prove whether or not he should provide for me after 27 years of marriage?
How is this possible? I am crackin up over here. Maybe I should just be put away. I guess I AM the crazy one in this marriage.Help save me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t know what to do, Cindy. I’m so appalled for you–for women in general. You are indeed being screwed by a system that protects the interests of MEN, that still treats us as though we’re property rather than partners. I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW A PERSON CAN BE COMPELLED TO TAKE EVALUATIONS BASED ON THE WHIMS OF HER DIVORCING SPOUSE??? Where are your rights as an individual?
What a crock! These SAs just get off on all the mind games, it’s just their cup of tea.
Competancy test – Just take it and fail, big time. You will know the wrong answers, choose them at least 1/3 of the time. Beat them at their own game.
Psych eval – if he pays for this, it will be to your advantage to show the mental cruelty you have endured. Don’t even sweat it.
You are not crazy, testing doesn’t make people crazy. SA is pulling out all the stops to stress you to the max so that you can’t think clearly and I’d bet it’s a smoke screen for something else that he’s doing behind the attny’s backs.
Don’t let ’em see you sweat. Grin and flunk everything. Serves him right. And you’re right, who could blame you for being in a completely dysfunctional state at this time? Exactly.
No worries.
In this game, comply, comply, comply. The courts get tired of these grandstanders and you will be the one who is making everything go as smooth as silk. It will be MUCH better for you in the long run, believe me.
And sadly, no matter HOW MUCH money these SAs make, they can mismanage and blow every cent and not have a clue what happened. Mine made 6 figures for 25 years, and he’s flat busted. We have less than $50 in the bank, no retirement now thanks to ex, and no savings. And she owns half the house that isn’t selling. They can be broke, believe me.
I am too angry to form a coherent response…
Sending you all the power, love and strength I have.
My first instinct is to say Fuck that… I am not taking anything. Throw me in jail all you want…
Probably NOT very sound advice..
March,
I have no rights as an individual. I am seen in our society as a person of no value. The circumstances surrounding the choice for me to support the family from home do not matter to the court. What matters is a black and white figure that can be manipulated by a person that knows numbers and can figure out how to fool the legal system. It is easy to fool the system when the system wants to coral the masses into pre defined categories that only represent the majority. It is a mess of red tape that favors the male gender.Lynng2,
I did the best that I could on the vocational test. I was not going to compromise myself by intentionally failing. I am finding that the system is corrupt and I will maintain my integrity by being true to myself. That does not mean that I will stand by and let this be OK. I am doing my best to stand up for myself. It has been a long hard journey, but I am finding me. That is the best that I could do for myself is to continue to be true to me. I am not sure if one can fail a Psychological evaluation. I think you are what ever you are. Perhaps March can shed some light on that. If I fail, will I go to the big house on the hill????????Love you guys.
CindyI do admire your principles. But I also say, “A life sacrificed on the altar of principle is a true blasphemy.” No amount of principle in the world will save you from an amoral system. And they don’t even publish the martyrs names, history is written by the victors.
That is bitter, I know. But my integrity has been used as a blunt object to batter me senseless so many times I shudder to think. I’m not giving them that privilege anymore.
And I really have no clue how to win this battle, so I apologize for all that. I am mad, really mad, for you. For us all. And want to believe there’s a way to win and NOT give the SAs their little control highs.
Lynng2,
I love your words and they scare the hell out of me.
…History is written by the victors….I am tired, and I don’t want to play this game anymore….. I am not sure how to function in this amoral system. I don’t think this is for me, this whole life thing…..
…….I am going back to sleep now…….
Cindy,
Hang in there. The system does suck, and you are being abused. I am suffering the same kind of humiliation and crap. STBX is asking for psychiatric evaluation because I am “mentally unstable” and have “uncontrollable rage”. Funny how I have (like you) managed to raise my family and do quite well homeschooling my child, coaching a robotics team, building a support network of friends, etc. while he has no one who can even serve as a witness when I inspect his apartment because he has no friends. He is the one who takes pictures of himself having group sex and hangs out with child molestors. Yet I am the one who has to prove myself for the system. I have to turn over every scrap of paper- bills, receipts, emails, medical records, lists of who I have seen- for my discovery. What did I do? I married an asshole.I totally get where you are coming from. It sucks and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it, as far as I can tell- except maybe ask for him to get the same treatment.
Honestly, I want to tell my daughter to never get married. It aint worth it for the more than half of marriages that end in divorce. The system sucks, sucks, sucks.
I want so badly to add something good to this but there is nothing but pain and tears….. I love you all. Not worth much up against the “system” and SA`s… It`s all I got.
oh cindy.. i’m at a loss for words. violation upon violation. this is such a difficult time for you, i feel for you so deeply.
you will make it through this. this process has an end. know that you have integrity and that no one can take that away from you. it’s priceless. luv and hugs
Cindy, dear, I don’t pretend to know what those legal fuckers can or can’t make you do in their quest to try and destroy you…. But, one thing I DO know is that they will NOT succeed. You are stronger than you know, Cindy. They fear you, what other explanation for the all-out nuclear attack? Even so, when it gets to be just too much to bear, remember the Army of Sisters…. Girl, we’re lined up right behind you. Love, Liza
“So comes snow after fire, and even dragons have their endings.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit
Cindy,
I love you!!! Please remember how neat you are in sooo many ways. Your friend, NapPS plus you’re kinda smart too : )
Cindy….tell him you’ll be happy to comply with any testing; after the type of betrayl he’s put you through you now understand why Lorraina Bobbit, Betty Broderick and Clara Harris snapped. Make sure you are alone and not being recorded when you tell him….leave no evidence and be as calm and sincere as possible. Start your double life of traumatizimg him on his way out the door. You have always been stronger, smarter and healthier than him…don’t let him bully you now. Push back. Leave no trail. Say everything you know might scare the shit out of him
Thank you all for replying. I would not know what to do with out all of you. I am trying to take Bevs advice and float. Someone else, I think it was Flora, said that she found herself getting really upset over legal situations and in the end, those things were not a big deal. She said she should have just trusted her lawyer. I am finding it hard to trust anyone right now. If there is something that I should be doing, I want to do it. I am so afraid that I am not present enough to know what I need to be taking care of. In my emotional state, I find that I am too overwhelmed to think clearly. I want to protect myself, and I will continue to try. I also need to let go and let the pieces fall where they will. I have researched trying to find some kind of list or guideline, and there just is not any. It really is so scary.
He is living with his girlfriend and we do not talk. He does not care what I do. He can bully me from a far. Perhaps I should show up at their door and just say, “Excuse me, may I speak to my SA husband?” That might scare the crap out of them. I wonder what would happen? Should I?
You all are my comfort!!! Thank you
((Cindy)) Do you have a medical doctor that you trust? I’m wondering if that would be a good place to start, in order to fight this. Because you have been made severely ill by all this, hon. I don’t mean mentally ill, but you’ve been ravaged by too many awful things happening in a short space of time. The situation you’ve been put into makes me want to punch a hole in the wall. And I think a medical doctor.. not just a psych doc.. needs to evaluate this. I so relate to you saying, “I don’t think this is for me, this whole life thing.” I think it’s emotional and physical exhaustion, where the smallest thing requires an immense effort. What you need right now is rest and healing and safety, not being evaluated to see what kind of job fits for you. Is there a way you could schedule a physical exam? I’ve got no medical expertise, but it seems like you need a medical doctor in your court right now. I can’t tell you how sorry I am for what you’re being put through, and how blisteringly angry it makes me. You’ve been put through all kinds of hell, and your h apparently thinks it hasn’t been enough. There has to be a way out of this surreal situation. Sending you much love and hugs and prayers. xoxo
Great advice Annie. Cindy, there must be a compassionate doctor out there who ‘gets’ it and who could be an ally for you. Annie, I hope you’re doing OK. I think of you so often, and wonder how you are. Love, Liza
Just this morning, my ob-gyn offered to help in any way he could, even offering to help out showing that I am not mentally unstable. Sometimes people surprise with ways they can help.
If you all ready have a doctor you know and can trust, I think that would be ideal. Someone that knows the before and after you and wouldn’t accuse you of malingering.
I think the not being able to trust anyone and wanting to do something to protect yourself and feeling maybe you aren’t doing everything you can is part of the hypervigilance and PTSD.
Here’s a question for the psych eval….if PTSD isn’t recognized for our situation but we admit to the symptoms (difficulty concentrating/sleeping, nightmares, intrusive thoughts and images, etc.) what are we likely to get diagnosed as?
Liza, you’re so sweet. I’m doing ok. Just really tired. And realizing that I’m a bit of a hypocrite suggesting Cindy see a medical doctor when I’m too chicken to go to one myself. Nice to run everyone else’s lives from my phobia chair. 🙂 xoxo
Teri, we are diagnosed just like the SA`s… They get to claim “addict” which is not recognized and we get to yell “Trauma” which isn`t recognized…
It`s a freakin revolving door of money ( IMO).
I honestly do not believe any therapist ( CSAT, psych doc, …etc) has a clue what they are really doing..
Trick is to find one for YOU and roll with it best fit possible…
We have all lost our way somewhere and we all need help finding the elusive path but we are on this site which puts us Aces high over the SA`s…
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