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So my arrogant selfish crown prince SA was supposed to be at my place this morning at 9 to finish our forms and then go down to the courthouse.
Now, what you don’t know is that I work two jobs—about 70 hours a week. I could use an extra hour’s sleep. But I got up and made myself presentable and got everything organized and ready. And then I waited. At 9:09 I get a text that he’s just getting away now.
At 9:15 I get a phone call from a woman who, after I say hello, doesn’t say hello, or my name is, —she just says uh–i’m looking for (my husband’s name). I’m so furious I just say well he doesn’t live here and hang up. She’s on a cell phone in her car.
At 9:30 I decide I’m going to send him home again once he gets here, because he’s just treating me like my time doesn’t matter as much as his.
At 9:40 he arrives. I open the door, and giving him benefit of the doubt before I let him have it, I ask him why he’s late. He says “I slept in”. I let him have it! Screaming. How dare you? I work two jobs and could use some sleep, but my life isn’t important. You’ve told me hundred ways and still today that my life is not as important as yours. YOu can waste my time and i”m supposed to just be grateful when you show up eventually. You don’t call to change the time. YOu don’t let text so I could get some sleep. YOu are just king of the world, crown prince and we are all just lucky to have an audience with you. I said I was done. You get one more chance and then I’m going to a lawyer. Get out of here. And tell your rude friends to stop calling here looking for you. They can’t even say hello or identify themselves. They are as rude as you are. He says in this stupid little whine “I was sick”. I screamed “I’m sick too” but I don’t treat other people as if their lives don’t matter, as if I have the right to waste their time, rob them of the one morning they can get some extra sleep. Get out! And I slammed the door behind him.I think a vigilante party is in order.
What an ass.
I’m so sorry. And, his actions have just left me speechless (or wordless). All I can think about is hurting him.
We love you Diane. It will be over soon. ~ JoAnn
Good on you Diane! You are such a source of strength and inspiration for me and I know for so many other women here. It makes me angry to hear what an inconsiderate ass your SA is, even at the end. And I feel sad, for all the hurt that you, and all of us have endured. Having a realization of the depth of that hurt….even when they arent actively hurting us, the shit legacy lives on. Cheers for putting him in his place!
Good for you! It’s so long overdue that we take a stand and protect what they find not worth protecting. Your sa needs to understand that your tolerance for bs is over, a few more of these stands and who knows, maybe he will get it. You showed him the new, in control you and so now you just have to keep showing it!! Strength looks good on you! You wear it well!!!
Okay, I’m still fuming! Who the hell does he think he is giving your phone number to some bitch? What the fuck is that all about? I’m not sure it was even a mistake. Sounds like he was doing his ‘let’s hurt Diane’ act again.
I’m sorry, I have to go punch something. Larry………………
Shit, he’s at the beach with Phantom.
Damn Diane. That is just some of the worst behavior I have ever heard of. And I’m sure he could look you straight in the eye and say, ‘What did I do?’
Fuck. I’m pissed. ~ JoAnn
Diane,
That was AWESOME. It was YUMMY. He deserved it. And I am proud of you for sticking up for yourself.
I be you won’t be shedding any tears at grocery store any time soon….:) Confirmation of the right decision, this was.
On such an important day. what a jerk.
Always finding a way to make it all about themselves.Next time make him wait.
So sorry Diane
Hugswhy do we ever try to do anything in a civilized way? These dumb ass husbands aren’t civilized!!!
Get a fucking bastard lawyer and take the dumb ass husband for everything you can.
Agreed Diane. It’s like trying to show manners to “Planet of the Apes.”
in some cases, being civil can work, worth a try. But most of the time? whomever hires the best attorney wins.
My latest advice to young women is: Forget two months’ salary; make sure the engagement ring is expensive enough to cover a great divorce attorney.
Epilogue:
I sent him six text messages that day. They were brilliant, some of my best work as far as calling a spade a spade but then wrapped in elegant killing prose. The sixth named his need to apologize and that he wouldn’t because his new mommy (therapist) hadn’t given him permission, and she wouldn’t give him permission because that would mean taking responsibility for his actions and their consequences to me and that would mean he would grow up a little. And his recovery model requires that he not grow up, otherwise his narcissism would be challenged and undermined.
Finally he text back an apology, acknowledging that his being late is a terrible trigger for me (he did this to me all the time), but then he excused himself because he’s had two months of depressive sleep marathons and slept through his alarms. I blasted him right back, and told him to quit presenting as a victim. I didn’t do anything to him. It was he who abused me, heart, soul, body and mind. I told him maybe he wouldn’t be so depressed if he punished the people who abused him instead of the ones who loved him faithfully.Honestly I believe that 12 step crap is dangerous to these guys. It’s certainly dangerous to us. But I think it generates more depression, because it just shifts their own codependent relationships, and prepares them to be manipulated with the “surrender” mantra. All he has done is move off his old emotionally incestuous mommy and attach to the new mommy therapist who preaches 12 steps and is a recovering addict of some kind herself.
It’s tragic. Truly. And very very unhealthy. This travesty of therapy has got to be exposed, for everyone’s sake. These fraud therapy people should be held accountable along with these SA’s. Everybody has to grow up, not just us! I’m just ready to explode all over again about this Carnes crap and his dolt-headed followers. That man and these idiots will have a lot to answer for in the day of reckoning.
Well, you know you will get no arguement from me BUT perhaps for a different reason. As I keep saying ( and as I kept thinking the first time the concept was introduced to me) I fail to see how 12 steps can treat mental illness?? As I keep saying…why don’t we send bi-polar people to a 12 step group? Why don’t we send the clinically depressed to 12 steps? Is it just me??? Why are personality disorders being treated in 12 step groups?? When someone can answer that question for me then I may get on board with all this SA treatment. I keep repeating myself BUT until we can get these men properly diagnosed this charade is going to continue for them and for partners. I mean is there anyone here who thinks there is ANYTHING going on with their husbands besides sex addiction?! Geez…maybe I am the crazy one.
Karen xxDiane – your story scares the hell out of me (since our SAHs are both covert incest survivors). Geezzz…..but at least I’m getting a “preview of possible things to come”, thanks to your pain. What a jerk!! Was the phone call from a current “acquaintance” or an old one? (not that it matters).
My SAH/cover incest guy is also now “joined at the hip” with his current mommy therapist. It’s kind of scary – I swear, I can say something one week – and he ignores it….and then *Lynn* (said with admiration/lust) says it and he thinks it is the most prophetic thing in the world. I honestly feel like she is his new mistress.
But I guess the good news is that he is so enamored that he believes every word she says – so she is starting to burst his denial bubble, which is good (I think) – she even got him to admit that he had 4 affairs (he didn’t want to count two of them). He is so afraid of the pain once the denial bubble is burst, though, that he has to go at a snails pace (probably since he so enjoys his time with *Lynn*). This affair with “mommy” Lynn is scary. I wonder if he can charm the pants off her? If he does, do you think that she will stop charging us for his sessions?
Hang in there – you are nearly free.
Quick question – how/when did you make the decision to bail from your SAH/Covert incest guy?
Deb
Karen – you are not crazy and I think that your point is a GREAT one (if not brilliant) – and even CSATs don’t readily embrace it. Although having said that, the last CSAT that my H went to said that he either is a SA or has a personality disorder. My H never went back so I’m not sure which he is. I wonder if there is a way to accurately diagnose the two?
I do know that NPD and SA typically co-exist – and that usually the NPD melts if the SA is addressed. That’s what I’ve heard, anyway. The CSAT that saw my husband was going to administer a lot of tests before my SAH bailed…so it was never fully looked at.
Does anyone know if their SAH was tested for personality disorders?
I know that Dr. Minwalla administers the MMPI and some other tests to every man who walks through his door. That would be a good question for him – next time I talk to him, I’ll do that (or maybe Heidi can do that since she’ll be there soon?).
I guess the important question is: is their recovery, or how we navigate dealing with them (from near or afar) any different if they are an SA with NPD, or just BPD, an SA with BPD or even bi-polar? Shouldn’t we just cut their penises off no matter what? (NAPs recent post was so yummy).
Deb
Is their recovery any different?? I think so because I sure as hell have no interest in trying to make a marriage with someone who’s primary objective in life is to use up another person’s life to meet their own sick dysfunction? Plus PD’s are pretty much hopeless and quite ingrained..thats my take on why more SA centers take your money first and then tell you the guy is certifiable.
Deb, you may not know it, as you are new, but I have been hammering the point of Personality Disorders forever. I think Sex Addiction is merely a symptom and the counselors don’t identify it because they are not qualified to diagnose it or treat it and would lose their patients to a psychologist or psychiatrist.
Larry has been diagnosed with Avoidant PD, Alexythemia, Depression and Adult ADHD.
I think that most, if not all Sex Addicts have an underlying, untreated disorder(s) that causes them to act the way they do. Simply calling it Sex Addiction and trying to treat it with 12 steps or silly talk therapy that does not address the underlying issues is futile.
I have been working on an eBook describing the disorders and the symptoms along with some historic research that ties the compulsive behaviors to PDs, but the eBook, I’m afraid, will become a full sized book as the information is overwhelmingly extensive.
I did a short video on Personality Disorders that you can watch by clicking on the ‘Resources’ link from the ‘Members Pages’ menu on the right side of this page. Sorry, I need to fix the link to that video. I’ll work on that today.
JoAnn,
AMEN to that. I believe this is where the focus needs to be. I also think this is the route to eventually getting much better support for the women who are duped by them? Just think how different a wife’s approach would be if she were told your H is deeply disturbed and predatory VS your H is an addict but with lots of hard work and support from you he can be restored to a healthier version of himself. GAWD, if she decided to try to tackle it she would be so much better prepared for the manipulation she is going to endure in the restoration process and perhaps know better how to combat it.YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The entire process is so complicated when you are dealing with a Personality Disordered Person (let’s use PDP instead of SA?).
This correlates directly with the partners inability to disconnect and leave. When a divorce happens under ordinary circumstances there is closure. One (or both) wants to leave. They are done. Maybe they have found someone else, or maybe they both agree that the marriage is over. It’s hard, it hurts, each must grieve, but there is closure because the relationship is dead.
With PDP’s they fear abandonment, so after they have fucked you over royally (and you didn’t even enjoy one second of it) and you decide you have had enough, they cry, beg, change their spots and drag you back in.
There is never any closure for the partner who leaves the PDP. That’s what we should be working on with our counselors.
Anyway, that’s my opinion and that’s what I am writing about.
~ JoAnn
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