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Ann…..here is another thing to consider, besides his cheating. Do you even LIKE him? It doesn’t sound like you do and it doesn’t sound like you should. Who cares if he cheats if his other qualities just grate on your nerves anyway? Do you really think u should have to CONVINCE yourself to stay married to your own husband? Hugs Karen
Thank you all for your insighful comments. Some days I feel so clear about my decision to move forward w the divorce and other times I feel terrified and wonder if he can change. I do think I spend too much time looking at the minutiae – the big stuff like Karen pointed out (do I even like him? Do I love him? Do I trust him?) is where the answers lie, I think. If the answer to those questions is a pretty clear “no” then giving him another chance “for the kids” seems pretty silly. The words not matching up w behavior concept has been a consistent theme in my individual therapy.And my therapist has said to me time and again, over the past ten months there has been NO consistent data to suggest that he has changed in any substantive way (aside from the fact that there has not been any additional cheating, that I know of – I actually do believe he hasn’t tho). So, I can give him another shot, if I want but I need to be crystal clear that this decision would be based on nothing but words.
I’m sorry it isnt’ better news, Anne, but it sounds like you already know what we know.
sometimes I think these guys don’t want a divorce because of the effort and expense involved in finding their next “mark”.
When I was still in the midst of trying to decide what to do and “feeling conflicted” (hence the user name), a friend asked me to think about what life looked like 6 months, a year, 5 years down the road if we stayed together. She said, I had thought a lot about what divorce would look like but I hadn’t ever thought what things would look like if we reconcilled and stayed together. That was eye-opening b/c while I could envision some happy times, I could not envision EVER trusting him again and I would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I knew I did not want to live my life that way. I sometimes think of it in very specific terms – let’s say you do reconcile and get back together. You even start on the path of trusting him again. What happens the first time he does something that gives you pause – he is late coming home and has a flimsy excuse. Do you kick him out? Or do you let it slide? Probably you let it slide – you worked hard on putting the relationship back together, you don’t want to hurt the children any more by kicking him out so you continue on. Then some time goes by and you catch him in a lie. What do you do now? Call him out on it? Make him sleep on the couch for a few days? And on & on…b/c this is what life will be like (and this is probably the most optimistic rose-colored glasses view of life with someone who is an addict), you have to either be the Marriage Police or you’ll have to let that all go and at what cost to you emotionally? What does that do to your kids? Before my h. moved out, both my daughters had started asking him very pointed questions about his whereabouts such as “what hotel did you stay at in Charlotte?” when he came back from a business trip. This is from a 10 year old who has never been to Charlotte! It was scary to me b/c they were just repeating what I had been doing for months. I realized then that I was deluding myself in thinking the kids weren’t being affected by this.
Oh FC, how true is that. To think of what it would look like to reconcile. I guess at first I thought if he realized what he did wrong truly then he wouldn’t do it again. (This was before I knew the extent of what had happened). That in my gut I’d know he meant it when he was sorry. But I guess if they know it’s wrong they wouldn’t do it to begin with and how could I stay with someone who had violated my trust? Having to watch someone who’s prone to infidelity to make sure they behave in marriage is like having to watch someone who’s molested a child to make sure they behave around children. (Not to belittle child molestation..) But it just isn’t a healthy situation. To me infidelity is THE Thing that negates a relationship contract.
FC – that reply really hits home for me. I want to tape it to my wall. That is for sure the life I would have and I don’t want that life. Period. Divorce and being a single mom is terrifying but at least there is some hope for something better.
Katf – infidelity is def the thing that negates the contract. As the haze of my relationship clear, I’m starting to get more in touch w my own core values and that is one of them.
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