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When I first typed in the topic for this forum, it read: “I just asked for a separation”. Then I remembered that this was not a debate or request, but an announcement. F that. It went surprisingly well. I did not want to debate any of the shit that has taken place. I just wanted to tell him what I plan to do and invite him to participate in the conversations with the kids and others.
He handled it remarkably well. In fact, by the end of our dinner (we were at a restaurant to minimize the chance of acting out), we were laughing about how adult our conversation was. He was definitely sad, but understanding. And I feel so much better. Only time will tell if this will truly be amicable (you more seasoned sisters may be laughing and eye-rolling by now!), but I am hopeful.
Haven’t told the kids. Any words of wisdom as I embark on this journey?
Wow, wow, wow! You did it! I hope I have the courage to do it when the time comes. Wow! That’s great. You’re gonna get a whole new perspective on things while you’re separated.
Did you set a time period? Separated for how long?
Congrats!
Claire
Well, congratulations on taking control of the situation. I’m glad that went well. Just remember, while you are talking this through as reasonable adults, the reason this was necessary. Which means, Mr. Reasonable Adult doesn’t keep his word. Be ready for Plan B.
Oh, and what I tell every sister leaving, make SURE you have all legal documents OFF the premises, where he can’t get them. That includes passports, immunization and school records, legal business and professional licenses, titles to cars, deeds, birth certificates, etc. You are going to need them in starting over and he knows that, or someone on one of those awful men’s websites will tell him that.
Agony,
I’m happy to hear you’re taking care of you and making choices based on your needs. No more tail on a kite. You’re you own kite now!
Love, NapThanks all. Good advice, as usual. It’s been two years since d-day. I gave it my all, but can’t anymore. Feels good.
Claire, I was going to set 6 months as the timeframe, but my therapist said why limit yourself…so I said I am going to take as much time as I need.
I used to cry every time I thought about the kids and — so petty — how we would be sacrificing our lifestyle. BS. Can’t believe I would be so shallow. Kids will be fine, and I will be much better.
‘Nuff said. Amen.
Freedom from SA. The stuff that dreams are made of. Congratulations on making this dream come true. Onward and upward Agony. Better days ahead!
It’s good that that particular meet went well but don’t trust him as far as you can throw him. Cover your butt well, assume the worst as far as he goes, gather all your documentation and hide it from him, smile for him all the way, but be ruthless as far as your interests and your childrens, these guys show an all different side of themselves once a separation or divorce is on the table. Don’t be taken by surprise.
Congratulations- you have followed your intuition and done a very brave thing – I can tell you that things went up and down and I don’t have minor children but it was the best decision that I could have made – the separation where he moved out was no where near as successful because the house reminded me too much of him and half of his stuff was still in the house – now that I have my own place I have truly been able to get healthy a good sense of my life with and without him. He sounds as though eh was relieved too somehow? love Meg
Agony – I only know a little about your story but let me congratulate you for making the courageous decision to have him move out. I will warn you though, it sounds like he agreed to it a little too easily. That could mean that he is being covertly aggressive – he gets the “points” for agreeing to move out (he’s maintaining his “good guy” image) but he will do the bare minimum to prepare to actually move out (actions speak louder than words). He’ll have all sorts of excuses and rationalizations as to why he can’t move out on such & such date, etc. Set a move-out date with him now and think about what your Plan B is if he doesn’t follow-through.
I agree with FC – my H moved 5 minutes around the corner and was always telling me he needed something – he might as well have still been in the house – now I live 35 miles away and that really helps – he did make the decision rather rapidly – that is their MO – making decisions reactively – so don’t be surprised if the excuses begin…sorry to be a downer – you have the courage all of that too:-) Meg xo
That all rings true. I know that he won’t move out — or won’t on the timeframe I want — so I am going to leave. For the reasons some of you have mentioned, I feel that I need my own space without the reminders my current home has.
I also knew that I didn’t want to ASK him or get his agreement, but to just announce what is going to happen. I have control over this. I can find my own place and just leave whenever I want. He would definitely stall …
Thankfully, we both earn about the same amount and have careers that allow us to be flexible in our schedules. (We are also both attorneys, but do not practice family law.) I am bracing myself, though, for the feet-dragging and the possibility of a fight. So long as my kids are kept out of the fray, I will be o.k.
Thanks all!
Agony,
Good for you. It sounds like you have thought it through. And your being financially secure is a HUGE plus.How old are your kids? It sounds like they are the only point of control/conflict that he will have left?
12 yo girl and 13 yo boy. I’m told this is the worst possible time for them to be involved in a separation (or divorce). Breaks my heart.
But, they also, I’m told, “vote with their feet.” In other words, they will choose to be with whichever parent they need to be at that moment.
Never speak unkind of dad. Less is best regarding details of why you are splitting. “Dad and I are taking some time apart. He’s got some issues he’s going to be working on while not living here with us but you can call him when you want and you can see him whenever as long it works for both him and me. I can’t explain a lot because marriage is a grown up thing but what I can tell you is that we love you whether we are together or apart and dad having issues has nothing to do with y’all or even me.”
I believe in putting the blame where it belongs without throwing dad under the bus. I did that with my kids, I made him own it because at the end of the day, we separated because of his shit, not mine.
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