i just started sobbing uncontrollably and couldn’t go to church

MIL is not god either, although i bet she thinks all should bow down and listen to her.
You need to do what is best for you.

What do you want to do?? Not what MIL want or SA, but what do you want to do?

The disease thrives in darkness. And by darkness they mean, never talking about it and keeping it secret. I say talk to whoever you want. And a pastor is a confidant that you can trust or a therapist. Tell whomever you like. If she does not want her dirty secrets out, well she should have watched over her son, versus trying to make everyone not tell.

There are some serious gay issues here. One i bet is that she would be mortified if her son was gay and she does not anyone to get wind of this. She seems to be really holding all of this under wraps. It may truely be a fact that he is. and as long as she can make you take him on, and keep the relationship going, he won;t be gay. But he is who he is. She seems very controlling. Even if he is not, something is amuss here. Alot of controlling and pushing by her.

Love,
flora

P.S. of you cannot talk to anyone about this…you will implode. You will feel so much better if you do. You probably will beable to find your answer, just by being to sit down and actually speak the words to someone. It will be freeing for you.

WM – you have to break eggs to make omelettes… You have to break the silence. Does his mother know all that you do? Your instincts about kicking him out to deal with it are spot on. He has to understand that you are no longer prepared to hide his addiction. My husband when he spoke to our pastor about our “marriage difficulties” did not talk about sex addiction. I did. I also explained that it is no longer just about him and me. Our children were suffering because of his behaviours and my state of anxiety and reaction to his behaviours. I believe that many churches are afraid to address this and only you know how you will be received. Do not put yourself in a position that will make you vulnerable.
Trust your instincts – they seem to be the little voice of Gods guidance! You are loved!!

Hi WM,
I really feel your pain. I have kept quiet to family and friends. I feel like I’m in a pressure cooker. And when it blows, it’s not going to be good. I think part of me thought I was protecting my SAH’s recovery process–that’d he’d crack if I “outed” him. Well what about me? Because I’m seriously about to crack. Now I don’t want to go around shouting it out to be vengeful, but I think I’m at a point where I need more local suppport. I’m sick of this pretend world I live in.
Looking forward to reading more of your posts. There is definitely no such thing as “too many” around here!!
With hugs and understanding,
Julie (zumbagirl)

Zg I don’t know how you haven’t cracked. It is all about motivation. Telling others to get the support you need, and he needs is a good healthy motivation. Vengeance isn’t!!

wm we all feel your pain. And it is nasty and raw and confusing. So calm down, take a deep breath, and really listen to all the good advice these sisters have. The answers will come. Flora is spot on. You mil is not on you side. She is throwing you under the bus. She is selfish and pretends her son (and family) are perfect. My mil is the same way. I never really hated her, but now she infuriates me. I believe her cloak of phony perfectionism is why we are where we are today. She is controlling an nosey and always puts her family “out” there as the most wonderful christian people alive. My side of the family now knows and they absolutely floored by her actions. Someone just fell off her pedestal and guess what? He reaction was bizarre we could have been talking about a recipe. (my h and his brother were acting out together ~ I just unloaded everything on her 2 weeks ago.) She is almost right back to being perfect now!
(deny and minimize from the queen herself). Silly me, I thought she would be devastated!

I struggled with what God would want me to do. In sickness and in health right? If this were any other ailment I would pour myself into helping him. B-trayed and Diane set me straight. God expects us to take care of ourselves. God wants us to be the best we can be, to live life right, and that we matter more than their evil does ~ only they said it more eloquently! WM read what you said “You cant even talk to your own pastor whom you desperately need right now”. HE IS YOUR PASTOR TOO. HE DOESN’T BELONG TO YOUR H’S FAMILY. If you value his opinion he is the one person you should march right over to, sit down, and let it all out!!!! God wants you to go to him when you are in trouble. My mil too would want me to keep my mouth shut. Why? This deal is all about secrets. Secrets are the weapon. He is not only destroying you with his secrets, he continues to control you with them! Every time you come up for air, he pushes you back under…right? Stop letting him do that to you.
If you want yourself back……….start talking.
I promise that you will feel so much lighter, relieved, and supported when you decide to talk to your pastor. Best move you could make right now. This is what they mean by taking care of yourself. Funny that we are so afraid to “betray our betrayers”! Except what we are doing isn’t really the betrayal! We are not the ones who created this mess.
I was afraid to say anything for 6 months. I wish I would have been braver. Letting the secret out made my h look at this in a whole different light. Finally take it seriously. It wasn’t that big a deal when it was just me who was betrayed (I was the dump-ee).
Now some of our friends know. Liberating.
Hugs and be strong.
Heidi