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Hi everyone!
I have been away for awhile with wedding/dad’s illness/cabin and hosting baby shower. It has been a super busy summer so far but I have been keeping my thoughts with you and trying to read from my phone!
So since the wedding my h has had a serious wake up call. He decided he really wants to be part of our family now. duh. He is once again trying really hard. In the old days, I would forgive and forget. I feel so empty and hurt and it’s almost like I am going through the whole thing again. I think I postponed some of this grief just waiting for the wedding to be over. So mr. nice guy cannot figure out why I am distant. We have been in separate rooms since Jan. And he thinks that now that he really wants to be with me I should just accept him and move on. (everything is about him). So we went to our cabin and were having a lot of fun. He started making sexual comments and touching me on the sneak. (one of my boundaries is he can’t touch me ~ after that middle of the night sneak sex thing a while ago)
So I held my ground and told him to knock off the talk and touching. He acted like a hurt child the rest of the week. so rejected.So we got together with a dear couple we have known along time, I asked him to not tell them anything about us. They were giving him a hassle about not drinking. So he decides to tell them that we were having troubles. He unloads on them without telling them he cheated on me. So it was a very well played, heartfelt confession of how much he has hurt me and how it is all his fault and he has no right to ever expect me to forgive him for what he has done. It was all so very eloquent, and full of regret and humility. It ended up sounding like he had an affair. I sat there listening waiting for him to reveal the real monster he is, but no, he’s not that dumb. He has such a way with words and people, it’s why everyone likes him so much.
So we left and they hugged us and offered any support and prayers and lots of encouragement.So the next day he gets an email from them “forgiving his actions and telling him no matter what they love him and that he is a good person who did a bad thing.
ummmm I didn’t get an email and they were my friends since childhood.
My husband is so attractive in every way that everyone loves him. I am a lot of fun too, I just am not over the top like he is. In other words I am not a bitchy person – most people like me too, but he ***shines*** everywhere he goes.
I am pissed. If we separate this is how it will be. I know he will come out looking like the good guy. I want to contact our friends and tell them what he really did!!!!! That he has been cheating on me for 28 years! I was not ready to reveal our troubles, asked him not to and once again he blew his wad before we even had a chance to get it straight ourselves.
My choices
~ tell my friends the truth, probably resulting in rumors spreading (because as you all know this is so unbelievable, its a hard one to hush.)
~lie down and take it againI am so sick of this shit.
Hadj608, I can’t remember, so I apologize, do you have kids (especially underage at home)? Having two myself, that would be the only reason I worry about rumors. If not, then I say talk to/email your friends and tell them the full story. Let the rumors fly if they must. This is HIS garbage to deal with that he MUST acknowledge and deal with, not minimize or cloak. Believe me, I understand the need and wish for privacy, especially when you are trying to work things out and figure out the future. I’m there myself. However, he just chose to put out a partial story, against your wishes to put out ANYthing! Well, he can’t have it that way…he can’t put out just his spin! That’s bullshit. And unfortunately, you don’t know how people will take it. Some may be in denial, especially if he is Mr. Wonderful in public. But I say better to deal with their reactions to the truth, than their reactions to the half truth. Again, having kids (esp. at home and/or if they don’t know yet) makes it a different ballgame, but other than that, there is nothing for you to hide!! Love ya! ZG
Hi Hadj608,
IF it was me, I’d be calling those people back and telling them the raw truth of the matter. he did not have your permission to “spill his guts” about this, and he did, at a least the folks deserve the REAL, TRUE story. When people ask me why Im getting divorced I tell them the truth. I dont go into alot to detail, however, I usually always hear a ‘gasp’ and a ‘I couldn’t stay married to him either’. It’s so liberating not to cover his as*. He is what he is and thats the sad cold truth. I’m sure his explanations are so sugar coated I’d want to puke. What your husband did was typical SA shit and my opinion would be to set the record straight. Then, you’ll get an email and he wont and should not ever.Love, napxxoo
PS. Also, the next time he touches you without your persmission, tell him if he ever does that again, you’ll report him and you mean it!
Hi Hadj,
I know you made a comment about worry about rumors that would happen if you split…well rumos will happen any way, just as it did here.
I would spill the beans too, but just as with the h’s parents you do not know how it will be taken. My h is the very same and the comment the friends gave was the same as what my h’s family said. And ya know what…i never did get any support from them, never will and never did. Its a sad world when something like this happens and we get no support, bu thte person who committed the offense does. How is this right?? But it happens all the time. Unf. you may or may not get the support you need from them, but it may help you if you atlease know that you told them the real story. They will do what they please with it.But i really have to wonder about the mental state of many of the people in the world today…where its acceptable to have an affair. Its acceptable to look the other way, and somehow it is the wifes fault….because she was not sexy enough or did not have enough sex. that is where i think the general public goes with this…and it could not be further from the truth.
And then to go to therapy and even in some books i read say its better to not tell the spouse if you cheat…really what has this world come to. I say please tell the poor spouse, she may be looking for her get out of hail free card…and this would probably do it. I swear…really.
Love, Flora
hadj608,
I am so frustrated for you. I have friends, well I hate to even call them friends in a way. I looked to them for support and got the OPPOSITE!!! It was so unjust and amazing. As you witnessed, an email to HIM and not YOU. I have noticed that the victim often remains unsupported, while the victimizer is supported. One thing I wish I did right away with one friend, is make it clear how her lack of support felt RIGHT AWAY.
Tell them lovingly how it hurt that they chose to contact your husband while NOT contacting you. Then, only after stating that, would I share the rest of the truth. If you tell the rest of the story first, and then tell them it hurt or angered you that they did not email you for support, they will probably say, “Oh, well I would have emailed you too if I knew ALL this.” I got that from one friend. As if what was originally revealed wasn’t enough torture already. But, oh, now that there is more revealed, we are worthy of some support??? Crazy. Good luck with that one. You may be the pioneer who has to try to communicate to your friends how to respond appropriately in these situations. Sick, pathetic…
Also, find friends who are really there for you. Minimize contact with the others. I had to and am happier for it. I could not heal and take the wounding from my “friends” also.
My h too is the adored one, fun, easy to be with…you name it. Super-cool dad, sweet son-in-law…Anyway, I too have virtues, I am just not a con-artist. My mother always says, “Rick is a good man.” Yes, he also betrayed me for 20 years, but let’s not dwell on that. He, like your husband, will be in the inner family/friend circle, no matter what he has done or does to me. It is horrible. If I separate, as I have before, I, let me repeat, I, got rejected by my daughter, son (in ways), in-laws, because I was bad!!! It makes no sense, especially because I did it to HELP our marriage, which was stuck (and for additional personal healing)!
Anyway, these are hot topics for me, because I have endured such mistreatment! If our husband’s had any class, which I have told my h, they would tell our friends how wounded and broken we are because of their behaviors. Our h’s should NOW be our advocates-now that they want to be so different!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is called making proper amends-being responsible-cleaning up the mess you made!!!!! Nope, don’t hold your breath. Mine loved when people joined his side, leaving me crying in their midst, totally unsupported. It is amazing. In the end, though, I am confident everyone will be shown what they have done and who they erroneously supported!!!
Again, if possible, in love, tell your friends the truth. Many people don’t get what we feel, even if it would seem obvious. I would try to convey your feelings of grief, sadness, betrayal, and pain to help them understand. Sometimes comparing your pain to other things helps.
I battled cancer and had 6 months of chemo, administered every other Friday for 3-4 hours at a time. I was a pin-cushion, being poked a lot, and even having to get shots at home. I worked as a teacher all the way through. Felt nausea frequently, even while walking down the halls of school and just LOOKING at the arm where my chemo IV went in. I tried different medications for nausea including pot in pill form (anyone got some munchies?). I got so ill from chemo, that they eventually tried to knock me out with medicine during most of those hours of administration. I would usually wake to them completing me treatment. It was in a HUGE syringe with a red color. They would place towels around my IV, so if any got out of the syringe, it would not BURN me. Yes, it was that toxic. Anyway, to say the least, chemo was not a great experience, but it was MUCH BETTER THAN THE EXPERIENCE I AM LIVING!!! I tell people that having cancer/chemo was easier than dealing with this stuff.
Do what you need to communicate your pain. Then leave it at that. If they have ears to hear, they will hear. Most people I notice are almost completely deaf to this type of information. After a while, I give up with these deaf ones; my h was deaf for years and years, and these deaf ones will never help us. You deserve to be heard and to receive support. I so hope you will have a circle of people who care and hear your pain. You deserve the comfort. Sometimes I think God and my own comfort are all I can expect in this world. And of course, our sisters!!! People are dense; they don’t try to understand what they have not experienced. (As Jesus said on the cross, forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.) I guess until you truly experience something like this, do you really “get it.” (But some people are still pretty pathetic in who they support.) Thinking of you…
Hugs, B. Trayed
B. Trayed,
Wow, you are on a roll today. What you wrote was so right on, in my opinion. And wow, what an inspiration and survivor you are. I had no idea what you’ve been through. You ladies amaze me every single day! Rock on, girl!! love, ZumbagirlDear B-trayed,
On the “he’s a good man” from his parents. My mother in law says that crap too. So bugs me. And you know what, county prison is full of “good men”‘ also. Filled with incarcerated fathers and, husbands’ and boyfriends’ that are doing time for their behavior but are still “good people”. wtf. how much wrong does a person have to do to another until they are judged as BAD, DANGEROUS, RECKLESS, etc. I just don’t get it. I am sure she’s a “good mom” too.
it’s just evil.Pam, you made me realize that as women, we are often justifying other people’s actions. “He’s a good man,” “He/she has a good heart.” Why do we do this? I really have to put some thought into this!
Hi Zumba
thanks for reply! I do feel more in control these days, but it’s hard won road. It’s not like an SAH or even XSAH will appreciate our new boundaries– they don’t like it and lash out at first. Aww well.
On the letting people off the hook with their behavior- their a good person/good heart etc. I have done it far too often! For instance my mother in law, sometimes I feel bad that I don’t call her back or want a closer relationship with her. I see a lonely old woman. But you know what Zumba? bitch is nutz. She is as cunning and manipulative as her son, and if she is nice — it’s never free. It always has an agenda. So I stay clear. I am civil, I keep the bare minimum but that is that. She raised a hornet’s nest of problems where she is in denial about the seriousness of her son’s behavior. Other siblings too, it’s a real mess. yet “she was a good mother”. Ok maybe you were not crack H, mom, but still you did more damage than I could think of.
If it were me, and my husband called my father or mother becasue I was sleeping around all over town, if I were the addict, my parents would have some strong corrections to say to me. And they would empathisize and somewhat support my spouse in his anger. They would tell me how wrong I was.
Not these parents of SA’s. “oh he’s a man”
“oh, he wasn’t happy in his sex life” “oh i ve heard worse’ “oh he works so hard”” blah blah blah. They are Toxic as venom, in my opinion. I mean the SA is just plain brain damaged from faulty upbringing, I can have some compassion on them. But the parent’s of the SA- what is their excuse? I almost hold my mother in law more accountable than him. They should know better. I She was a master enabler of bad behavior. look at the end result. ugh.Thanks Z!
Pam, Yes, my in-laws nauseate me. Blood is thicker than water!!! My son just got engaged to a lovely gal named Rachel. She came from a broken home…lots of divorce on both sides and some neglect. She is wonderful though. My mother-in-law was not overjoyed because she worries that Rachel had a bad upbringing and it may infect my son and his future family. WOW, your son (my husband) had such a wonderful upbringing that he deceived, outright lied, and was sexually immoral for 20 plus years. But at least his parents never divorced!!! I would have taken a FAITHFUL husband whose parents DID divorce over an unfaithful, woman-objectifying, lying, deceptive, emotionally/spiritually abusive man from a NON-divorced home ANY DAY!!!!! No brainer! B. Trayed
You know betrayed– what is a “broken” home anyway? These SA ‘s of non divorced parents surely come from homes far more broken than divorced parents, on many levels, I am sure. Rachel will be a blessing and is likely far more healthy than mother in law’s sicko offspring on a good day. I too would take a man from divorced parents that was not a deceitful ,addicted, ness. I am glad for your son and you–I am sure she will be a lovely addition.
Wow b-trayed you hit it right on the head. My blood just started to boil when I was reading the reactions you got from some people. This is so incredibly unfair to us it makes me want to scream. I am going to give this couple a call this week. Thank all of you for helping me sort through this, sometimes I doubt myself so on all this uncharted bullshit.
Bottom line is it doesn’t matter how sincere he tried to “sound”, he was being selfish. It was the Peter show all over again. And as long as he is the center of attention he will always be ready to entertain. Funny thing is I told him before we went that they were going to hassle him about not drinking ~ And that he should just say he is having gall bladder problems and was not drinking to see if that was the problem. You are right, he opened the can of worms.
zg – I have 5 kids, 16 – 25. We have lived here their whole lives. this is going to be very gossipy when it comes out. I haven’t worked all these years. One of the people my h acted out with was my bf who also is his bosses wife. It was my goal to hang in for 2 years, go back to school this fall and then just drift away from him without drama, as I need him to support me and his kids with college/weddings etc. I was hoping this wouldn’t blow up.
Another reason is how much more is out there that will be revealed if the truth comes out?? He always coached girls sports. I pray he never did anything creepy to all those girls he coached. He is taking a lie detector test soon. I am dreading it. He told me last month that there is more I don’t know, but his therapist said to wait until the wedding was over. NICE hey!! Nothing like instilling horrible fear in me with a comment like that!! The whole celebration I just kept thinking what else could there be??? SO he found a way to make the wedding about him didn’t he!!! it makes me want to throw up.
Hi Hadj and everyone else,
Alright, I am going to say something that may surprise you.
There is no question that you are right. Your husband is a selfish pig and he rubbed your nose in his heinous shit in front of your mutual friends and its just beyond gross. I wanna bitch slap him across the room. grrrrrr…
However, I’m afraid if you go to your friends with the truth, as disgusting as this notion is, it may actually backfire on you and here is why.
Please notice the friends that have come out to support him. They have drunk the kool-aid (I wrote “kook-aid the first time LOL) I’m afraid and if you go out and tell them the truth, they are going to have difficulty processing all of this and will be extremely uncomfortable and embarrassed. Friends cannot handle this kind of thing. As you have been traumatized, so will they, and guess what? I can almost guarantee that instead of support and understanding, most of them will simply avoid any contact with you, whatsoever.
To make matters worse, the prevailing belief amongst most people is that “it takes two.” Whatever he did… he must’ve had a good reason. BECAUSE, he’s such a nice heckuvaguy.
The mind has to come up with a reason. None of this makes any sense to them… and you, now, become the problem, in their minds
You are spreading ugly lies??? because they believe you to be a vindictive, hurtful bitch and not the understanding, forgiving, loving woman that they believed you to be. So, they will fear that they could be next, on the chopping block.
Its not on a very conscious level, they just know that you are to be avoided.
My advice, would be to take the highest road possible and say absolutely NOTHING. If someone comes to you and asks to hear your side or suspects that your h is not completely on the up and up, that is different, but the best way to totally alienate your friends is to embarrass them, by making them doubt their own belief system and reality.
Yes, it sucks. Yes, its completely unfair. Yes, he should be strung up by his toe nails.
Get a voo doo doll.
much, much, much, more effective and you’ll get to keep your friends too! Eventually, I do believe that they’ll catch on… the ones who truly ARE your friends, but let them come to you. Let them discover the truth for themselves should THEY choose to. Those are your TRUE friends. The others don’t matter, anyway.
I know it feels so good to let out the truth, but for most its not a truth that they will be ready to hear. That is one of the saddest realities of this disease.
love and best wishes,
Lexie
wtf??? we both said voo doo dolls??? I swear i did not see that as i was writing my own post.
high five sistah!!!
High five Lex!!!!!!!!! I guess we are on the same wave length today. What would you do to your SA voo doo doll?
Lex has a great point. I have been burned by soooo many people that I thought would help support me and even try to hold my h accountable. You need to really think it through. It was not a good sign when your friends did not contact you…may be a warning NOT to tell them-as they may not really be safe or able to handle it. I see both sides. Some people will share your grief and some will bring you more grief. You have to figure out what you think will happen. B. Trayed
Well, Nap, I don’t know if a voodoo doll would work on him…If it did, I would certainly like to poke his cute little eyes out, so that he could never look adoringly at another woman again and make her feel like he actually cares for her.
I’ve already tried decimating him, but just like roadrunner, all flattened out… He just picked himself up, fairly unscathed, brushed himself off and kept up his predatory activities… All the while, making his partner believe that he’s all fixed. Oh what fun it is… now he can fuck her over even better! I know all of his secrets, however… He thinks he’s getting away with it, but he’s not. not really.
The truth is a powerful healer.
He’s not a very happy man.
AM said it so perfectly on MTASA and I am going to copy and paste it here.
“We become part of the fantasy, the need. We try to fill their black hole of self hate. But we are never enough. Nothing is ever enough to an addict out to numb away the real world. They fear to be alone. They fear to be truly with. They simply want, and want, and want, and will say anything, do anything, sell out anything or anyone, to get whatever they want. They are little greedy children with defective internal parents who enable themselves and never hold themselves accountable for their commitments and always make excuses for their failures until they are drowning in a sea of their own self hatred even while they scream at themselves for being so worthless. And when men self destruct, how many go quietly? How many times do we hear of a man going out and taking his family, his coworkers, his friends, his enemies, with him? Whereas an alocholic, or a heroin addict, or others may quietly dive into their addiction more or less alone, a sex addict almost requires a loving woman as part of the addiction, someone to keep his dirty secret from, someone who would actually give a damn if they found out, someone who would hurt if they knew, someone who can never measure up that they can blame and then hate themselves even more for the hurt and the blame and the lies. We are merely a piece of their escalating, degrading, cruel fantasy.”
hadj608,
My heart goes out to you. I remember I desperately wanted to reach out to someone in my real life right after DDay but I had read story after story on another website about friends not understanding and not knowing how to handle what they were being told by the SA’s partners so when friends would ask what was wrong, I just couldn’t bring myself to share it with them.
Finally, after a really rough night of crying and triggering and all that fun stuff, I picked up the phone and called my brother. I figured, he of all people would understand. After all, he was working on his 12 steps in AA, his son had had online affairs while deployed and he and his wife had worked it out. So, I cried to my brother for two hours. He was so supportive. Until he called me two weeks later for Christmas. My dogs were barking in the background and he said “Oh, I hear your husband is home”. Nice, huh? He hasn’t called to see how I’m doing since.
I know how difficult it must be to want to let your friends know the real truth of it all…I think I’d be to afraid it’d get back to the kids.
Hugs
Hi hadj,
I would share the story with anyone you need to for YOUR sake, to help you in healing. It didn’t sound as though these people were on your list. I would not share my story with anyone to “tell my side” , or to punish my husband for having started the conversation with them when you asked him not to. I would draw a boundary directly with him on that….I asked you not to, you agreed, and then did it anyway….I no longer wish to socialize with you because your behavior isn’t consistent with your words and I don’t trust you. If he doesn’t have consequences, it will keep happening, and it sounds like you don’t want your life to look like that. If you tell them, and whatever drama happens and cascades…he wins….sex addicts love drama and cascades and they just make us crazier and don’t help solve the problem. It all just deflects from the problem…which is the SA and his behavior. Focus on that in a way that makes you feel better and healthier and in control of your own life.
MarieThank you all for your support. I have been thinking about this every which way. Btrayed and Lexie ~ I should quit seeing my therapist and just pay you!! I’ve been at this 8 months now and I still get roped into self doubt. It helps so much to have this group make me bonk my head and say duh! Lexie, the post you pasted is fascinating, and so true. And you are right, if I unload this nightmare on them they will be traumatized. This whole scenario is too unbelievable.
I think its best to keep my dignity and leave it as he said it.
My goal when all this hit was for the 7 of us in my family to move forward peacefully. I want him to keep his job, and I know he is lucky that he didn’t f that up yet. (and my fear of what else is going to come out ~ 2 new things since wedding, and he tried to lie, and I got stories confirmed, and he apologized. so sincere than same ol bullshit)He agreed last week to paying me 50% of his salary for the rest of my life should we split. My stubbornness in making him follow through with the therapist is finally paying off. He has admitted out loud things he has denied for years. He treated me poorly and now is full of regret.
I wish I could have him sign that agreement right now!His therapist said last week that he feels my h has a pretty strong case of ocd. He concluded that after hearing all about my mother in laws behavior. Another thing to research!
Hi Hadj608,
I am in the process of divorce and I have to warn you that what they say they will do means nothing in court. These men become even more manipulative during the divorce process. If he defaults to the law (which is in his financial best interest) what you will get is sorely based on your need and his ability to pay. The assets get split 50-50 and if you live in a no fault state (which most are) it doesn’t matter he is a SA. Your h may be the exception to the rule, however, per my lawyer (been divorce attny for 25 yrs) men turn into a whole new animal during divorce and I can attest that’s true. (mine was already a beast) If you haven’t seen a lawyer yet, just for consultation, I would, that way you can get the best lawyer before he does. Only in case you need to go down that road which I hope you don’t. I just wouldn’t count on what he says because when he gets with an attny they will go with the law.PS. Also, they can use what you say against you because they have a heads up on what you want. Its best to say nothing. The less said the best said. This is my opinion.
I try not to speak of the possibility of separation much at all! Empty threats…I don’t want them. It will potentially cause him to store money away, get more fit, detach emotionally or whatever. I need to be doing those things!
Hadj, you are too kind, but I’ve had a lot of life thrown at me these 55 years, etc. and I am really speaking from my own experience and discoveries.
Make no mistake. I am the “open and honest” type. (wow, Lexie, I would never have guessed that!). And being so forthright, open and honest, and wanting so badly to make things all nice and “even”… I would do exactly the same as your instincts tell you. How dare he get away with that! Its not right. Its not fair! He’s a liar. He’s a pig. He hurt me… and yet he’s the one who some how comes out smelling like a rose, and I’m the fertilizer. What a crap deal that is!!!
But people are funny beings and my experience has been to learn to keep my big mouth shut sometimes. Even if I AM right. 😉 (The exception is my children. Fuck with them, and you are dead.)
The problem is that there IS no right with this disease. What’s up is down and down is sideways, and if you try to tell people who think that down goes back up, they will think that you are crazy!
Your h has OCD? That’s Obsessive Cock Disorder, right? 😉
AM has been writing a lot on the married site and I recommend everyone to read EVERYTHING that she’s written because it rings so true! At least for me!
best,
L
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